Life without Fear?

"We're taking a survey on this week's attendance cards: what's your greatest fear?" the pastor asked.

I listed some on a blank piece of paper so that DH could review them and check off his, and I'd write that down.

• lose a child
• lose a spouse
• lose health
• lose job
• bankruptcy
• business failure
• natural disaster
• war
• unknown

He ultimately picked job loss/bankruptcy as his biggest fear. Mine would probably be lose a child.

Interesting.

We are currently experiencing what it is like to go through extended job loss. Bankruptcy is out of the picture for now, but still could be a possibility.

We recently got a scare of what it could be like to lose a child. (Still praising God for his merciful protection and healing).

And, through it all, God has been faithful. God's people have been His hands and feet of love, support, and generosity. I am still his beloved daughter.

My pen got itching to write and the following spilled out:

In light of those profound fears, why should I cower before such petty concerns as

• whether the work I put into my writing will turn out to be a waste of time
• whether my writing is "good enough"
• what people will think of me

If some of our worst fears have come true, and we are still safe in God's hands, how much more can I trust him to take bold steps? Whom then shall I fear?

Why let melancholy dim my outlook?

Why stay isolated and inward fearing loss of approval/reputation/image when nothing can separate my from God's love?

Any pain and sadness that comes from failure or tragedy will be all too real, but it will fade compared to the weight of eternity and God's power and his enduring grace and love.

I'm free to love with ABANDON!

The adventure waits ...

We're about to embark ...

We're already on our way ...

I will not shirk from hard work.

There are no guarantees of results or success, but I'm done wasting my
potential because of Fear, Timidity and Hopelessness. I choose Purpose,
Discipline, Commitment, Courage and HOPE!

Bold words. Inspiring words!

They filled me with warmth, light and joy as I wrote them, and I sang with abandon as the message on Joshua and courage drew to a close.

And then, I had another more sobering thought:

Fear isn't just an emotion.

It's a habit.

It's a collection of automatic responses and defense mechanisms.

It will truly take becoming a living sacrifice by daily renewing my mind to start to live as though I have no fear.

I think I'll start by meditating on/memorizing Joshua 1:9 (click the link for other translations, Amplified version below):

Have not I commanded you? Be strong, vigorous, and very courageous. Be not afraid, neither be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

Responding to Infant's Needs

This article about infant-led sleep is worth checking out.

Grace in our Trauma

Pookaloo was hit by a van on Saturday, May 1st. There were scary moments when we didn't know how bad it was. She turned blue and couldn't keep her eyes open on the way to the hospital, and once we got there she was very still. X-rays and a CT scan showed pulmonary contusions and pelvic fractures.

PRAISE GOD that by some miracle she is ok. Her lungs are already healed, and she has begun to crawl and even walk again.



Trauma comes with so many emotions.

Fear. Guilt. Relief. Joy.


It happened so fast and now she's well on the road to recovery but our emotions are still raw, throbbing, bleeding and demanding care and attention. How odd that the ordinary rhythms of the world and daily march forward when I want to hit pause and rewind until I've processed it all.


Fear. We almost lost her. The line between alive and dead is so thin. We are so vulnerable and what we think is ours could be snatched away in a moment. A moment of inattention led to this result and I want to swear eternal vigilance, but I know that there will be more moments of inattention because I am only human. I'm not ultimately in control, I don't have the power over life or death.

Guilt. I was there and had just put her down and turned my back to do something I thought was important. What could be more important than keeping my precious daughter safe? Now in the aftermath, she needs so much from me and I am starting to feel drained and resentful and then I feel guilty about that.

Relief, Joy and Gratitude. She's alive! She's healing rapidly! She's thriving! I still get to be her mama! God saved her! God healed/is healing her! Every smile, every giggle, every cuddle overwhelms me with joy that leaks out of my eyes.


Pookaloo has to process the trauma too. How scared and confused she must have been. How frustrated she is now to be able to walk only slowly with a limp, when before this she was running, jumping, climbing.


God has continually extended grace to me in this situation. A warm chaplain who immediately offered absolution for the guilt I expressed. A handmade blanket made by an anonymous donor through Project Linus that comforted Pookaloo in the ER. A message of hope and forgiveness at Bible study. An encouraging word from a dear aunt who was in a similar situation many years ago.

Grace is abounding. I need only to continually receive God's grace for myself and extend it to Pookaloo as we both are extra fragile and healing.