Guest post: 12 - 30 months, or "What happened to my sweet baby?"

I'm honored to have the following guest post from Ashley Van Otterloo, mother of three lively and charming daughters. 

Take it away Ashley!


So. Let's talk toddlers.

It's really common, as the parent of a budding toddler, to feel a little "duped" by any easy-parenting fantasies you held previously, or completely steamrolled by the realization that gentle parenting (and ANY parenting) is really long, really hard, often thankless work.

While creating a loving bond with our tiny babies, it's easy to imagine that our little one and ourselves will enjoy the euphoria of "togetherness" forever, and that baby will seamlessly become an equally agreeable child, in sync with our every idea. Even if a baby has been high needs or cried a lot, we might look forward to easier time of it once they get older and less colicky/clingy.

For many mothers, including myself, 12mo-2.5 years is a HUGE reality check about what it means to be a parent. I discovered very fast that my daughter is and forever will be her own person, with her own ideas, her own hopes, her own God-given bent and personality...that is often in contrast/conflict with mine! What a RUDE awakening!

It was a time that I spent much time in prayer, realizing the weight of the task I was about to undertake: leading an individual gently and thoughtfully through childhood, and realizing that *I* was now the adult in her life that she looked to for protection, instruction and nurture. Despite any cranky moods, unfairness, and challenge that the commitment brought me, I was committed to being her mom! What a HUGE paradigm shift this was for me!

In light of what I've gleaned from my limited experience (this is our 3rd time around), and from observations of emotional trends that tend to happen at this age, I thought I'd compile a little list that might be helpful for a mama navigating this for the first (or second, third, fourth...) time!

Things that make this time unique:

Differentiation (Mama and me are different!):
From 12 months, babies begin a fantastic journey of finding their own place in the world, as they no longer view themselves an extension of mommy! This means exploration; fuzzy, emotional opinions of their own; unique ideas; lots of experimenting with behaviors and words. This age can be charming, funny, busy and exhausting for parents!

New experimental expressions like the infamous "NO!!!" are healthy, but can take some adjusting to emotionally, especially if your background (like mine) was a punitive/permissive paradigm. It can take a while to find a balance between allowing for individual expression and enforcing healthy boundaries.


Need for reassurance:
The flip side of differentiation is need for nurture! Babies this age often get overwhelmed by their own ability to stray from mama, and from the sheer new volume of stimulation and information at their fingertips! While they're struggling to get down and explore their world, they also need plenty of cuddling, loving, direction and reassurance!


Increased Mobility:
If you have a child this age, this point is obvious. Childproofing, wise choices in playdate location, lots of redirecting and on-feet time for parents is a hallmark of this busy phase!


Changing lifestyle:
Up until this point, it's easy enough to tote along little Rex or Regina in a stroller or sling, and friends are generally happy to see your little bundle of cuteness. Once toddling is reached, however, things like eating and the bowling alley become more challenging. (Sometimes challenging is a laughable understatement! ) You're now responsible for making sure the boundaries of others are honored, AND setting your little one up for successful behavior by providing appropriate place to explore. If your social life is mostly composed of single or childless friends, this experience will likely be even more obvious.

For extroverted or social couples, this can be especially challenging, and it may take time and patience to reinvent your social support system in a way that nurtures you and provides a safe, successful environment for your child. The work put into it is always satisfying! Don't give up, and be patient with yourself and your spouse as you navigate these new waters.


Changing sibling relationships:
For toddlers with older siblings, this is often an age of discovering rivalry (and relationship!). Different children with different needs and opinions about things require lots of involvement and navigation of physical boundaries from parents (especially in the very early years! ) The baby is all of a sudden more interesting and, sometimes, more scary. The inner Mama Bear that is awoken when one child hurts another can leave you feeling wild and breathless sometimes.

If your toddler is the older child, this is often a very rattling emotional time for mama! Feelings of betraying your toddler with another pregnancy, worry that you won't have enough resources to go around, feelings of annoyance that they won't mature more quickly, feelings of being overwhelmed by the needs of TWO small people can be daunting. It's a great time to take a deep breath and ask yourself what your child is actually capable of (and not what you WISH he/she were capable of), and trouble-shoot from there.


Body changes for mama:
Most women notice changes in their bodies or, at very least, the amount of time/energy that can be devoted to self-image or self care after the infant year! This can contribute to deconstruction of the way we view ourselves, and tends to lend an emotional intensity to our reactions to increasing demands on our energy and patience.

Remembering that people who feel good behave better will help. Pick a hobby or pursuit you love. Call a girlfriend. Hand your toddler off to your spouse or a trusted loved on for a couple of hours. Taking care of ourselves (even if it's just half an hour in the tub every week to unwind and soak out the stress) isn't selfish. It's prudent.


Need for increased body boundaries, but continued need for nurture:
While being an attached parent, it's often healthy and useful to recognize that there are age-appropriate times to gradually set limits on our children's access to our bodies (nursing boundaries, need for personal space sometimes). This can look different for every parent/child, according to individual needs. It's also important to recognize that while setting boundaries and limits, we can honor the fact that our toddlers are still very small and very much babies who continue to need some level of physical reassurance. As in all things, a healthy balance for everyone can be struck.


Discipline choices take a central role:
This is a sorting out time for most parents in the area of discipline philosophy. Toddlerhood is where the proverbial rubber meets the road. The realization that parenting and reinforcing the same boundary over and over can be HARD sets in, and many mothers previously delighted with Gentle Discipline can feel disillusioned. (It is, after all, a lot easier to imagine being gentle with a cooing baby than with a mobile baby who has their own set of needs and opinions! )

Parenting isn't easy. It takes committment, time, patience, repetition, and a commitment to strive for teaching and instilling of love for the long haul. It takes *time* and energy, and there are no easy solutions when cultivating compassion, kindness and character.

It's also an age where the decision has to be reached to become educated and confident in your OWN parenting choices, and to grow rather thick skin from the flurry of advice that's bound to come your way. Others often have strong opinions about how we should parent our own children. I've found that with family, it's good to take a no-nonsense approach, and simply "out" myself as a proactive, gentle mother, and make it clear that my parenting choices aren't up for discussion. I do the same with close friends. This isn't forceful or rude; it's taking on the appropriate role of authority and protector in your precious child's life, and making the boundary of your place as Parent clear.

Much of parenting is donning a flame-proof attitude about the decisions you prayerfully and thoughtfully make, and then standing your ground, and surrounding yourself with those who will at least be respectful of your choices. It's a time when you step out of a follower role yourself, and become a leader for your children.

One last point: It helps to remember that a lot of the annoying behaviors that come with certain ages and phases are just that: phases. Children generally mature out of them, just with passing of time and consistent, gentle reinforcement of boundaries. :rock (Really, they do. It's like magic. ) To be sure, each new phase brings with it it's own set of unique and what often appear to be bizarre behaviors. Read up on ages and stages...Ames and Ilg's "Your Two Year Old" is a great place to start.


I challenge each mom to pray and ask God to help her to fall in love with THIS child that you've been given. Not the child you imagined you had, not the child you expected, not the child you wish you had. Ask the Holy Spirit to wind your heart around what it is that makes this specific child's personality fantastic and capable, and then commit to pouring your effort into nurturing that. It's a beautiful journey, if hectic and crazy sometimes, and one that's worth the walking!

Grace is for Mamas

I had a really bad day on Monday.  It was the first day of my period (first one since my recent miscarriage), so I was already very on edge.

C and I had a good morning, baking pumpkin bread and starting laundry, and a good lunchtime and early afternoon, playing outside with leaves.

Then we came inside. C needed to nap. I nursed her at the keyboard and she never quite fell asleep enough for me to put her down. She wiggled and wanted to pat me.  I was feeling very touched out. I needed a physical and mental break from her, and I didn't get it.

The late afternoon was pretty rough on both of us. I feeling tired by then, but couldn't sit down without C wanting to climb on me or nurse.  The clutter in my house was another irritant, and since I had to be up anyway, I felt compelled to start cleaning. 

But C didn't want me to clean.  C wanted to play.  She wanted a snack.  Fine.  But, being a two year old who didn't get her nap, she started losing it over every. little. thing.  And when she wasn't screeching, she was getting into something, hindering and undoing my cleaning progress.  I quickly lost patience with her.

I have lots of gentle, positive discipline tools in my toolbox.  I could have involved her in my cleaning efforts and made it a game.  I could have redirected her away from the offlimits things to something truly appealing.  I could have suggested we sit and read a book together to fill her cup with the attention she was clearly asking for.  I could have turned to playful parenting and make us both laugh and smile and reset the rapidly souring mood.  I could have declared that we both needed a break and vegged out with her in front of a movie.  I could have taken us back outside, or on a ride to visit a store or a relative. 

I forgot and/or chose not to use any of those tools.  Instead, I got more and more locked in to what I was doing.  I was seeing red and yelling a lot.  I did some redirection, but with an angry voice and forceful hands.  I also had punitive vindictive thoughts, such as "Why should I turn this into a fun moment when she is giving me such a hard time?!?"


Anger kept building. 

I started dinner.  Thoughtlessly, I chose one of the more involved recipes on my week's meal plan, one that involved peeling potates and dicing onions.

C persisted in trying to get my attention.  When she wouldn't stop turning off the dishwasher I'd just started and then switched to pulling things out of the drawers, I got fed up.  I told her since she couldn't control herself, I would help her by putting her some place where she couldn't get to the dishwasher.  I hauled her to her room and shut the door on her, leaving her screaming to be let out. I finished peeling the potatoes before returning to open the door.

When I let her out I gave her a little speech about why she had been in there and then gave her a perfunctory hug. 

That sort of reset things for a while but all too soon we were right back where we started.

Not too much later I was putting away the laundry in my bedroom.  When I had my back turned, she started pulling the clothes I had just put away out of the drawers.  I was so angry I felt like I was going to lose control and physically hurt her. I carried her quickly to her bedroom, yelling all the while.  I slammed the door behind her again (with her screaming again, of course).  I needed to get away from her to keep her safe and calm myself down.

Her continued wailing behind the door broke my heart and infuriated me all at the same time.  I flung the door open and grabbed her into a tight hug, fearing that if I let her go I would really hurt her.  She clung to me.  In my arms she felt so small, so scared.  In so many ways still just a baby.  My intense anger melted away, but the irritation remained.

I called DH and asked him to hurry home because things weren't going well.  Somehow C and I managed to survive until Daddy came to the rescue with a fresh batch of patience and energy.

So, does this bad day mean that positive discipline/grace-based discipline (GBD for short) is an idealistic theory that doesn't work in real life?

Not at all. 

I can think of so many extenuating factors that contributed to this situation. C is teething 2 year molars and they hurt her quite a bit.  On top of that, with Halloween and family birthdays, I've been letting C have dairy recently, "as a treat."  She's intolerant to it and it makes her feel bad: itchy skin, upset tummy, poor sleep which all gives her a resultant shorter fuse.  Finally, there had been too much time between lunch and dinner and C didn't have much of a snack, so she (and probably I as well) had low blood sugar on top of everything. C is an extrovert, and a cold had kept us home alone for the past week or so. She was asking for my attention and to connect with me, and I didn't give it, partly out of spite.  Did I mention I'm hormonal/PMSing/grieving? 

So much of GBD is about being proactive, setting up our children (and ourselves) for success. 

This is a day when I was reactive.  I became the scary, shaming parent I am trying so hard not to be.  I really blew it. 

I'm so grateful grace is for mamas too.



I told this whole sad story to DH when he got home, wondering aloud if I am cut out for this, and he said, "You're a wonderful mother, everyone has bad days." He shows me grace.

As I told the story to him, I realized I owed C an apology.  I got down on her level and said I was sorry for losing control and scaring her.  She gave me a hug. She shows me grace. 

Out of the ashes of that bad day, there are a few positive things: I was able to model humility and how to apologize to C. I've renewed my efforts to keep C and me on a dairy-free diet. I'm also working on building more structure into our days for both our sakes.


Not the first time and not the last time we will need to live out the verse our family chose as a parenting theme verse at C's baby dedication:

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32

Assigning positive intent

The 13th chapter of First Corinthians famously defines some attributes of love.

The New Living Translation reads:

1Cr 13:4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud

1Cr 13:5 or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged.

1Cr 13:6 It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.

1Cr 13:7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

A love that is not irritable, that keeps no record of wrongs, is a love that assigns positive intent to others' actions.

For example, imagine you are driving down the freeway, and someone cuts you off. Two possible reactions would be:

1. "How dare he!  Some people are so selfish and rude.  It's a dog eat dog world and I have to stand up for myself."  Maybe you chase the offender down in a case of road rage.  Or you don't but spend the rest of the drive feeling irritated.  Maybe your driving becomes a little more aggressive without you noticing.
2. "He must be in a hurry.  Maybe he didn't see me.  I hope he gets where he's going safely." And you easily forget the incident and return to driving. 

As you can see from the different outcomes in the two examples, assigning positive intent to others is a healthy mental habit as well as a fulfillment of God's command to love others.

Jesus told us through the parable of the sheep and the goats that how we treat even the least of these is important to him. Therefore, I would argue that babies and children should be assigned positive intent as much as anyone else.

When a baby cries, positive intent says that the baby is trying to communicate a need, whether that be to be held, fed, changed, or just paid attention. But there are some that would claim that baby is trying to manipulate its parents.

When a toddler doesn't comply, positive intent says the toddler lacks impulse control and needs more help and closer supervision. But there are some who label the toddler as defiant and prescribe a spanking or time out to teach them a lesson.

When a very young child doesn't tell the truth, positive intent says that "words as magic" is a stage of cognitive development and the child honestly believes that by saying something he makes it true. Asking "Is that the truth, or just the truth like you wish it was?" and not asking questions we already know the answer to is a simple way to teach the value of truth. But there are some who would call that child a liar who must be punished.

Assigning positive intent doesn't mean justifying antisocial or unwanted behavior or letting the child "get away with it." It simply means we don't rile up our own emotions with unnecessary labels and negative assumptions. We can then deal calmly, firmly and kindly with the child and situations that arise.