"Trust Me"

In early August, I had a dream.  In the dream, a friend told me not to be scared, that I would have "a September baby."  When I had that dream I realized that even though I'd been hoping and praying each month to be pregnant again, part of me also drew a sigh of relief when it didn't happen.  No pregnancy meant no risk of miscarriage.  I began to work through that fear in the month that followed.

On September 4 a few days before I was expecting my period, I had a little spotting that seemed to taper off.  Implantation bleeding?  I wondered.  After three negative home pregnancy tests, my period started full force on September 7.   

I shared this story with my therapist.  She encouraged me that in order to get pregnant I would have to work on letting go of my anxiety around getting pregnant.  By hoping too much, anxiously worrying and fretting over every twinge and sign my body gave me, I actually created stress that made the environment of my body less hospitable to life.  

My hyper-focus on getting pregnant ironically made getting pregnant less likely.  

She advised me to shift my focus to simply enjoying spending time with my husband and let things happen more naturally.  I took what she said to heart.  

Toward the end of September, I noticed some changes in my body.  I was getting up to pee in the middle of the night.  My breasts were getting bigger and my nipples were a darker pink.  Based on the 9/7 date for the start of my last cycle, I wasn't expecting my period until October 2, but based on how I felt I decided to test on September 29.  (9/29 was the day my period would have been due based on the 9/4 start date, and looking back, I think I should have counted 9/4 as the first day of my last menstrual period all along).  

While I was performing the test, C walked in to the bathroom.

"Is God sending our baby back?" she asked.

I said that I didn't know yet.

C sat down on the bathroom floor and started mumbling to herself.  I didn't realize she was praying until she stood up and said "Amen." 

"God said yes!" she announced.

I looked down at the test.

I could barely see a second pink line.  Was I imagining it?  Was it wishful thinking?

A test later that day showed a darker second line and I dared to believe that yes, I am pregnant.

In the weeks since then, I've swung between confidence that I will certainly meet this baby in June and a sense of doom that another miscarriage is inevitable.

I held my breath as I passed the 5 week mark where I lost Audrey Hope last year.  When that day came and went, I went to a clinic to have the pregnancy confirmed and the doctor said she wanted to schedule a pap smear and an ultrasound "to confirm viability and dates."  She told me to come back in two weeks.

The days leading up to the appointment were the most stressful yet.  I imagined worst case scenarios.  Maybe the ultrasound would show an ectopic pregnancy.  Maybe the baby had stopped growing but my body didn't know it yet.  

I'd shared the news of my pregnancy with friends and family early on to get prayer support.  I'd asked everyone I could think of for prayer for this ultrasound and my own peace.

By the Thursday morning of the appointment, the prayers for peace had done their work.  My anxieties and fears had (mostly) melted away and I felt excited to see the little heartbeat.

When we were called back, a nurse took my blood pressure and weight and had me pee in a cup.  Then she led us to an office.  She said she had some questions before we saw the doctor.  One of her first questions was, "Do you have an appointment for a pap and dating ultrasound?" 

I was confused. Wasn't that what I was there for?  No; that day's appointment was an intake interview and blood tests.  Apparently there had been some miscommunication with the original doctor.  The pap is now scheduled for November 11, and there may or may not be an ultrasound at that point.

After the initial disappointment of not getting to see the baby as I had hoped dissipated, I began to wonder why God had answered the prayers this way.  

The clear answer was a simple: "Trust Me."

So as of today, October 31, I'm exhausted all the time.  I pee all the time.  I'm frequently hungry but get full after just a few bites.  I'm experiencing food aversions and nausea and heartburn more intense than I remember from my pregnancy with C.  

I'm eight weeks and one day pregnant and grateful for every day.

52 Tool Cards: Motivation

Jane Nelsen writes:

1) Where did we ever get the crazy idea that children DO better when they FEEL worse (punishment)

2) Children DO better when they FEEL better (encouragement)

3) Find solutions to problems WITH your children to increase motivation 

This week, I happened to glance through my copy of The Love Dare.  DH and I won it at a young marrieds event a few years ago, and honestly, I've never taken the time to read it before.

The opening sentences for Day 1: Love is patient grabbed me:

Love works.  It is life's most powerful motivator and has far greater depth and meaning than most people realize.  

Love is the best and most powerful motivator.  Love helps people feel better so they do better.  This is true of children, and this is true of adults.  It is true relationally, and it is also true spiritually.

After all, it's God's kindness that leads us to repentance.  God could say "do this or else," stand back and watch us fail, then dole out the punishment.  He could zap us whenever we made a mistake.  Instead, He died for us.  Instead, He rose again to bring us new life. Instead, He gave us the Holy Spirit to comfort us, teach us, guide us, bear fruit in us and continue to work in us to empower us to overcome old habits and heal past hurts.  How unimaginably great and wide and deep and high is his love for us!        

Later in the same lesson in The Love Dare, I found this nugget of wisdom:

Patience helps you give your spouse permission to be human.  It understands that everyone fails.  When a mistake is made, it chooses to give them more time than they deserve to correct it.  

This is certainly a wise way to conduct a marital relationship.  It is equally wise to apply to parenting.  

Because God first loved me, I want to pass along His kind love, His patient love, to my child.  Patience gives my daughter permission to be human, not a robot that must obey my every whim instantly.  Patience understands that everyone fails, especially a three-year-old whose brain is still developing and who is still learning the rules of our society.  When my three year old daughter makes mistakes, patience chooses to give her more time than she deserves to correct it.  Patience gets down on her level and kindly and firmly helps her make the right choice.

Where punishment motivates through fear, encouragement and positive guidance motivate through love.

Motivating through fear is appealing because it gets a quick result.  However, outwardly "good" behavior motivated by fear lasts only as long as the threat of punishment exists.  Those motivated to comply solely through fear are also motivated to learn ways to sneak and cover-up so they can keep doing what they want.

Motivating through love seems like more work.  It may not have as quick of a result in the short-term.  But unlike behavior motivated by fear, it has staying power.  Those motivated this way have no need to sneak or cover-up bad behavior.  The close, honest, authentic relationships that result are worth the extra work and extra time.

I will walk in my Savior's footsteps and train and motivate with patient love.

52 Tool Cards: Hugs

Children do better when they feel better, and so do you.  Hugs help us feel better.

This week I came across a sweet social story about a giraffe baby and mama over at Mama Psalmist.  She introduces it this way:

This is a story I've been telling Adelaide at bedtime.  I'm hoping that if I tell myself stories about a patient, calm mother who handles an unruly young one with grace, I might start to be just like that mama.

I read this story to C and it was an instant hit!

"Read it again!" C asked over and over.  Soon I had the basics of the story memorized and was able to tell it to her a few different times throughout the day without reading the blog.

And, it had the effect Mama Psalmist intended in encouraging me to be a more patient, calm mother.

At bedtime last night, C had a hard time.  She wanted Daddy to brush her teeth, she wanted Daddy to put on her pajamas, and circumstances did not allow Daddy to do it.  I calmly empathized with her while I continued moving her through the routine:

"You wanted Daddy to do it, and Mama is doing it.  I can see you are upset about that."

Her teeth were brushed, and her pajama top was on, but now she was so upset that her limbs were flailing and it would be difficult to get her diaper or pajama bottoms on without using excessive physical force.

I saw that I would need to help her calm down.  Then I remembered the story about Gertie the giraffe.

"Would you like mama to hold you until you feel better?" I offered.

She snuggled up on my lap, still crying.

Soon she had calmed down quite a bit.  She asked if she could wait until later to put her diaper on.  I decided this was reasonable.  We lay down and snuggled and she quickly fell asleep.  Before I left the room, I put her diaper and pajama bottoms on.

I think the bedtime routine could have been even more peaceful if I had remembered to offer to sit with her and help her calm down even earlier, when I first saw that she was getting upset and losing control of her emotions.

52 Tool Cards: Teach Children What to Do

The root word of discipline is "disciple" which means "to teach."  Effective teaching focuses on what TO do versus what not to do (see my previous posts on Distract and Redirect, Take Time For Training, Practice and Small Steps for more discussion of this concept and related ideas).

Instead of telling young children what NOT to do, teach them what they CAN do.  

Demonstrating the action along with the words is most effective.  For example, instead of "Don't hit," say "Gentle touches," while you take their hand and demonstrate.  Then reinforce the lesson by asking them to show you their gentle touches.

If you have a rule about not throwing balls in the house, then you can teach them what to do with the ball in the house instead of throwing it.  Perhaps rolling it on the floor is acceptable to you.  Show them how to roll it on the floor and play a few rounds of pass it back and forth to reinforce the lesson.

If the child later forgets and throws instead of rolls, do another round of reminding and practicing.  Or, you can say, "Looks like you're having trouble remembering to roll the ball instead of throw it.  How about we go outside together and throw for a while?"  Or put the ball away for the time being and redirect to a totally different activity.

Throwing is often a seemingly irresistible action to your child.  After all, toddlers have a strong drive to achieve developmental milestones and experiment with the world around them, and throwing is part of that.  So it might be a good idea to provide them something that they CAN throw indoors without the worry of breaking something.  Something not very aerodynamic may fit the bill, like a small bean bag or a lightweight foam ball.

Thoughts on Proverbs 31

Today's lesson at the women's Bible study I attend focused on the Proverbs 31 woman.  After doing my homework for the lesson I felt convicted, and maybe even a little condemned.  How can I live up to that high standard?

The small group discussion time encouraged me a little and helped me focus on the small ways that I am a Proverbs 31 woman in some aspects of my life.

Then for our large group time the leaders gave us a special treat.  They invited us into a room filled with tables each decorated with a specific theme representing different time periods of a woman's life.

One table had a centerpiece made up of a breast pump, diapers and baby food.  Another table had juice boxes and alphabet stickers.  There was a high school and college themed table, a wedding table, a traveling in retirement table, a 50th anniversary table and a "silver-haired sage" table.

As we noshed on our veggies, crackers, cheese and cupcakes, one of the leaders interviewed four women at four different stages of life about how they lived out Proverbs 31.

I came away encouraged and inspired instead of discouraged and condemned.

With the decorations and interviews, the leaders beautifully illustrated that Proverbs 31 is not necessarily a description of a single day in an ideal woman's life.  It is the sum of her activities through the various seasons of a long and productive life.

I especially loved that the verse on the baby stage table was "She gets up while it is still dark to prepare food for her family."  The baby and toddler years are a time for getting up in the night to tend to the needs of our little ones, whether that involves physically nourishing them with our breasts or a bottle, or the spiritual and emotional nourishment we give them each time we sacrifice sleep to be awake and present with them to soothe their hurts, fears, and sicknesses.

52 Tool Cards: Break the Code

Positive discipline includes assigning positive intent to our children.  In other words, when they do something crazymaking, it is not because they actually want to drive us crazy, but because they are seeking to meet some need in an ineffective way.

Jane Nelsen created the Mistaken Goal Chart to help parents decipher some common kid behaviors.

Here's how to use it:

1. Choose a behavior challenge.
2. Identify the feelings you have and how you react.
3. Identify the child's reaction when you tell him or her to stop.
4. Use the chart o identify what belief may be behind your child's behavior.
5. Try suggestions in the last column of the chart to encourage behavior change.

To be honest, this chart doesn't sit completely right with me.  I wonder if that's because of the age/stage we are at or because of my other parenting beliefs.    

For example, C is three years old.  Our bedtime and naptime routines still includes lots of cuddles and kisses and ups and downs.  Sometimes I get annoyed by that, which could be a signal that I'm giving her undue attention at those times and should be pushing her toward more independent sleep, where I just tuck her in, give a quick kiss and walk out the door.

On the other hand, in my opinion there is a lot about a three year old that is still a baby.  On the whole I enjoy the quiet and silly times together at bedtime and naptimes, and I think it is valuable time for keeping our relationship connected.  

So I'm not convinced that our bedtime routines actually represent undue attention. 

What do you think about the Mistaken Goal Chart?  

The Importance of Extended Rear-Facing

This weekend I took a road trip with C to go visit my family.  DH was already in the area as he had attended a week of training that ended at noon on Friday.

About 25 miles from our final destination, we hit some of the stop and go traffic that is so common on Southern California freeways.

I came to a stop and heard a loud crash and the shattering of glass.  Just as I registered that the sound meant we had been rear-ended, I heard another crash and felt myself being thrown against the seat belt.  The rear-end collision had pushed us into the car in front of us.

I sat frozen for a minute and then C's cries sprung me into action.  I started to voice reassurance as I climbed into the back seat.  Glass was everywhere.  How much had hit C? I instantly wondered.

I couldn't see the answer immediately.  The seat had been thrown toward the back seat, forming a clam shell around her.   I tilted it back quickly and began assessing C for injuries.  There was a tiny amount of blood on her wrist from a slight scratch.

No other cuts or abrasions.  No broken bones.

Granted, this was a fairly low-speed collision.  The airbag did not deploy.  But I am so thankful that we had C rear-facing. (By the way, I'm fine as well.)

The NHTSA recommends that car seats be replaced after moderate and severe collisions, but not necessarily after a minor collision.

They define a minor collision as one which meets all the following criteria:

• The vehicle was able to be driven away from the crash site; 
• The vehicle door nearest the safety seat was undamaged; 
• There were no injuries to any of the vehicle occupants; 
• The air bags (if present) did not deploy; AND 
• There is no visible damage to the safety seat

My car was not able to be driven away from the scene, and the door closest to C was bent slightly.

So we bought a new car seat, one that is rated for rear-facing up to 40 pounds (our previous seat was rated for rear-facing up to 35 pounds).  

Even though she is three years old, C weighs just 28.5 pounds.  She'll be rear-facing for quite some time!