Pearl in Oyster

52 Tool Cards Double Feature: Focus on Solutions and Problem Solving

2012-02-17T08:23:00.001-08:00

These two tool cards are very similar, so I thought they would work well together as a double feature. Every family has arguments and conflicts. How we respond to them teaches our children skills they will use for the rest of their lives.

When conflict arises, it is so tempting to try to figure out who is to blame. "Who started it?" is a question that pops out of our mouths automatically. However, blaming leads to defensiveness and counter-blaming. It also risks casting children into roles. Most importantly, it doesn't necessarily prevent the problem from happening again.

This picture illustrates the stand-off created by blame. Focus instead on solutions.

Instead of blaming, another tactic to try is simply identifying the problem with as non-judgmental language as possible. While identifying the problem, it is usually helpful to identify the child or children's feelings as well as your own feelings or expectations.

"I see two children who both want the pink dolly."

"You want to stay and play. I need to get home so we can make dinner for Daddy."

Then invite the child or children to brainstorm solutions with you or with each other.

"How can we solve this problem?"

"Let's put our heads together and think of ideas that might work."

"This is a tricky situation. I'm confident that the two of you can think of a solution that will work."

For very young children, you may be supplying many of the ideas at first, but be patient and give them a chance to make suggestions as well. You might be surprised by their creativity! Curiosity questions are a great way to draw out suggestions from a child that seems to be stumped.

When possible, putting the ideas down on paper makes the process concrete for the child and helps them feel that all ideas are being considered equally. Once you've come up with a sizable list of possible solutions, begin evaluating the ideas and pick one.

Here is a sample dialogue I wrote to reflect the scenario where the child doesn't want to stop playing at the park near dinner time:

Parent: "You want to stay and play. I need to get home so we can make dinner for Daddy. How can we solve this problem?"

Child: "We could ask Daddy to bring food from a restaurant to the park and have a picnic!"

Parent: "What else could we do?"

Child: "We could stay longer and get food from a restaurant on the way home."

Parent: "Let's save going to a restaurant for another day. Here's my idea: We could stay for five more minutes to give you time to say goodbye to the park."

Child: "I could stay at the park by myself! You go home to make dinner and I'll walk home when I'm finished playing."

Parent: "I don't feel comfortable with you walking home alone. I can see you really don't want to stop playing. How about we turn leaving the park into a game? We could have a race to see who can make it to our front door fastest."

Child: "We could play cops and robbers and pretend we're chasing the bad guys!"

Parent: "Let's go!"

When responding to and evaluating ideas, it's important to use non-judgmental language. If an idea isn't practical or just doesn't please you, say why it won't work for you using I-statements and avoid name-calling or unnecessary put downs.

The goal is to pick the solution that works best for everyone.

This picture illustrates the family cooperating together on problem solving.

52 Tool Cards: Natural Consequences

2012-02-03T08:36:00.000-08:00

C doesn't like to wear shoes and tends to kick them off as soon as she arrives anywhere indoors. My mother-in-law, who C calls Beppe (Frisian for grandmother), is very big on shoes, concerned that C will step on something and injure herself, or that in this Central California winter weather, that her feet will be too cold. As one who can remember loving to go barefoot as a child myself, I'm a little more laid-back about it in general.

The other evening we were preparing to leave from a visit to Pake (Frisian for grandfather) and Beppe's house. C did not want to put her shoes back on. She was tired and on the edge of a meltdown. When Beppe started insisting that C get her shoes on, I said, "You know, they're her feet. She'll find out pretty quickly that it's cold and that there are leaves and things that might not be comfortable to walk on."

I picked up C's shoes and we headed out the door into the crisp 50 degree evening. C walked slowly down the first section of the metal wheelchair ramp that covers the porch, making grunts and groans consistent with mild discomfort. She stopped altogether at the concrete landing before the next section of ramp.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"My feet hurt. It's cold."

I replied, "I bet this ramp does feel cold on your feet. That must be uncomfortable. Would you like to stop and put your shoes on?" I held them out to her.

C agreed, sat down and put her shoes on.

This illustrates one way to use natural consequences.

Jane Nelsen writes:

Children develop resiliency and capability by experiencing the natural consequences of their choices.

For maximum effectiveness, natural consequences should be accompanied by plenty of empathy, comfort and validation of feelings, but no lectures or "I told you so"s. Ironically, parental lectures take the child's focus off the lesson intrinsic in their experience.

Jane Nelsen suggests also to avoid rescuing. I don't believe it was rescuing to have the shoes available for C to change her mind and make a different choice. She still had to be the one to sit down and put them on. It was not necessary to force her to walk all the way home barefoot when she already realized that no shoes equals cold feet.

But what if C had not thought it was too cold? What if she had been perfectly content to walk home barefoot? As I said to Beppe, they are her feet, attached to her body. There was no real harm in it or threat to her health and safety, so I would have let her walk home barefoot, and avoided a needless meltdown over something inconsequential.

On the other hand, while there are natural consequences to every action C takes, some are too dangerous for her to experience. If it had been the peak of the day during one of Central California's blazing hot summers, the metal ramp or concrete step may actually get hot enough to burn the soles of her feet, so I may be more insistent on shoes, and would have chosen a different positive parenting tool for that situation.

52 Tool Cards: Mirror

2012-01-27T07:58:00.000-08:00

I think C may be a little young for this tool to work consistently, but I usually do start out this way before giving her further instructions or using playful parenting to help her complete whatever task I'd like her to complete. As she gets older, she's gradually requiring less involvement from me.

Here is a short and long example of how I combine the mirror tool with playful parenting or other tools:

Baby Vacuum

C likes to kick off her shoes whenever she gets inside. I've been trying to correct her right when she does this to establish the habit of putting things where they belong. "C, I see your shoes on the floor in the living room. They belong in the shoe bucket in your bedroom." Sometimes this is followed immediately by her picking them up and running to her room to put them away. Sometimes it isn't. Often I'll respond to her dawdling by asking if she wants to play "baby vacuum," a game where I pick her up and lean her down and so she can pick up object in question. She generally thinks this is hilarious. And then there are the times when I have to "make it happen," and use hand over hand to get the shoes picked up and practically carry her and the shoes to the bedroom.

Utensil Hero

One of C's household tasks is to put away the clean forks and spoons from the dishwasher. I leave the basket in front of the correct set of drawers, and when I'm ready to help her/supervise her, I'll say, "C, I notice there is basket of forks and spoons that need to be put away."

She is a big fan of playful parenting and pretending, so she'll usually respond: "What do they say?"

I'll respond with something like, "The forks are so tired and they need your help to go to bed." or "The spoons are cold and they need your help to find their house."

Most of the time, I need to stay close by and encourage her to complete the task by handing her silverware or letting her hand it to me.

Yesterday, I thought I'd try letting go. I walked away after telling her the spoons were cold and needed to find their home. Five minutes later, she brought me the almost empty basket!

"Mommy, I don't know where this one goes," she said, pointing to the measuring spoon.

I told her where it went and thanked her for asking.

She walked back to the kitchen, put the measuring spoon away and put the basket back in the dishwasher!

Needless to say, I was very impressed with her independence yesterday!

52 Tool Cards Double Feature: Connection Before Correction and Closet Listening

2012-01-20T18:30:00.000-08:00

A sermon I heard recently referenced Proverbs 29:1 in a way that got me thinking once again about godly parenting principles. Traditionally, the verse is translated:

A man who remains stiff-necked after many rebukes will suddenly be destroyed--without remedy.

This is a dire warning. I immediately began to think something like this: "I don't want C or any of my future children to grow up to be the kind of person who will remain stiff necked after many rebukes and be suddenly destroyed. How can I stop that from happening?"

But the sermon went on to point out that because Hebrew doesn't use punctuation and has different grammar than English, another valid translation for the verse could be to parse it as two sentences:

A man who is often rebuked stiffens his neck. He will be suddenly broken, beyond remedy.

When translated this way, the verse starts off with an observation before making its prediction. Proverbs is full of this kind of observational wisdom, noting typical patterns of cause and effect in the course of human lives and relationships.

Have you ever had a boss who was critical and demanding of you, who tried to micromanaging your every move? One natural reaction is to get defensive, to dig in your heels and say, "Get off my back and let me do it my way!" If you role-play this scenario with a friend, you'll notice how tense you get as you gear up for your defense, particularly through the neck and shoulders! A stiff neck!

The observation therefore reveals the solution. Frequent rebukes are the problem that lead to stiff necks which bring sudden destruction.

Just as in the workplace world, critical demanding bosses who micromanage cause resentment among their employees, parenting that is low on connection and high on correction causes resentment in kids. Eventually their neck is permanently stiffened to our input, they become "parent deaf," and are certain to make many foolish choices that may lead to their ultimate destruction.

This week's two tool cards are both about keeping the connection in the relationship. A neck that is leaned against your chest in a hug or snuggle typically isn't stiff! Connection with children allows correction to be heard and responded to. As Dr. Sears says:

How compliant your child is depends upon your child's temperament, which you can't control, and the depth of your parent-child connection, which you can influence. (from 10 Ways Attachment Parenting Makes Discipline Easier at AskDrSears.com)

So what are some ways to influence that parent-child connection? Attachment Parenting International notes:

Discipline that is empathetic, loving and respectful strengthens that the connection between parent and child, while harsh or overly-punitive discipline weakens the connection. (from API's Effective Discipline page)

Gentle or positive discipline strengthens the connection. I personally believe that practicing attachment parenting principles in babyhood is the best way to build that initial connection, creating a foundation for children who are receptive to correction.

Connection in the baby and toddler years can be built and nurtured through every feeding, snuggle, and sleep transition. But as kids grow up and become increasingly independent from us, we aren't so directly involved in putting food in their bodies. They are more often inclined to run and play than ask you to hold them, and they generally need less assistance falling asleep. These two tools provide additional ideas for strengthening connection in different contexts.

For kids of all ages, the connection before correction tool is another way to build connection into discpline situations. By saying, "I love you AND the answer is no," (note the choice of the word "and" instead of "but,") or "You are more important to me than your grades, what do your grades mean to you?" we communicate love and value in a way that softens kids hearts and will hopefully open up opportunities for discussion and guidance.

Similarly, the closet listening tool card is about filling kids' connection cups by being purposeful in regularly spending time physically near them without much of an agenda other than to simply enjoy their company and listen non-judgmentally to them. This allows us to be "experts on [our] own child" as Dr. Sears' says:

Connected parents become their own experts on their own child, so they know what behavior is appropriate to expect and how to convey these expectations. Connected children know what behavior parents expect and make an effort to behave this way because they want to please their parents. (from Top Ten Discipline Principles at AskDrSears.com)

It strikes me that these two tools are an excellent way to model the grace God has shown me to my children. Jesus operated by this principle in his ministry as well in His use of parables, the way he engaged with people and even healed them before mentioning their sins. Regardless of what I have done or have left undone, God's love for me remains and his kindness leads me to repentance time and time again.

The Beatitudes and the "Good Mom" or "Bad Mom" Question

2012-01-16T12:47:00.001-08:00

The lesson I completed today in "Mocha on the Mount" study asked me to think about how we typically measure wealth and success compared to the standards laid out in the Beatitudes and Sermon on the Mount.

Sometimes I might think a "blessed" or "happy" mom is one who is financially comfortable, beautiful and fit with flawless skin, artful makeup and a cute figure, clothed in the latest fashion and surrounded by plenty of the latest possessions of the "right" brand. She keeps her house spotlessly, serves on high-visibility positions at her church, perhaps even homeschools her children. This super woman, with just the "right" number of children (neither too many or too few) who are always well behaved and sleep well, also finds time to maintain plenty of deep and meaningful friendships with the "right" kind of people.

Don't know about you, but I measure myself against that standard and come up short in myriad ways!

But is that God's standard for moms?

God's kingdom values are the same for people in all walks of life, from moms to single women to dads and bachelors, elderly widows and teenagers.

Looking at Jesus' words in the Beatitudes and Sermon on the Mount, in God's economy or kingdom, the first quality of "blessed" or "happy" mom is poverty of spirit. In other words, the one who realizes she doesn't measure up, doesn't have it all together according to the world's standards OR God's standards. She knows God's grace is her only hope. The kingdom of heaven belongs to those kind of moms.

Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend in their book "How People Grow," discuss the Beatitudes as a path or blueprint for growth toward our true selves and a better relationship with God. Celebrate Recovery uses the Beatitudes similarly as the underpinnings of their 8 Principles of Recovery.

The first principle of Celebrate Recovery (CR) is based on this poor in spirit Beatitude:

Realize I’m not God; I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable.

When I went up and accepted my Surrender Chip at CR on September 8, 2012, it was because of my recognition I fall short and am in desperate need of of help no matter what standard I use to measure success. My anxiety and depression were out of control and hurting me and my family.

At that moment of surrender, I was truly blessed. Nothing about my circumstances had changed, but my humility and step out of denial invited God's power in. That to me is the meaning of the verse in the Bible about God's strength in our weakness. I live it out again and again in my daily life. Whenever I recognize that I'm having a hard time or failing to measure up and turn again to God, I am blessed. Whenever I lose my cool as a mom or wife and then apologize to C or DH, I am living out this first principle of recovery, and I am blessed and bless my family at the same time. Living out this principle turns poverty and failure in to wealth and success in the ways that really matter: spiritual growth and harmony in relationships.

In short, I am a "good mom" when I have the humility to recognize and admit all the ways I don't measure up!

"Death in the Pot"

2012-01-15T15:42:00.000-08:00

The church we've been attending has been going through the Bible together, book by book, verse by verse. A few months ago we read a story from 2 Kings 4:38-41 that I wasn't familiar with, and it was mentioned today again as an example in a discussion of Nehemiah 8:1-12.

The 2 Kings story involves Elisha and a group of prophets making dinner during a time of famine. One of the prophets accidentally puts a poisonous vegetable into the stew. One taste and the prophets know they can't safely eat it, they may even already be fatally poisoned? Elisha adds flour to the stew and it is miraculously not only safe to eat but curative of the poison already ingested.

The pastor explained how the story could be seen as an analogy for the human condition. Although we may not live in a land of literal famine, there is a famine in our souls. We are starving for meaning, significance, love, healing.

So we make ourselves a metaphorical stew in an attempt to solve our problems. Some people's ingredients may be drugs, alcohol, or sex. Others choose people-pleasing, working too much or zoning out with the TV or internet.

Some of these solutions are obviously toxic, and others look a little more socially acceptable or have wholesome aspects to them. But without God, all of attempts to fill in the empty spaces are like putting poison in the pot.

This poison stew may seem to satisfy or numb us for a short time, but that effect never lasts long. In fact, this type of stew increases our appetite, constantly demanding more and more of our chosen ingredients to keep us feeling numb. Instead of solving our problems and easing our pain, the stew we make leads to death. Our lives become unmanageable.

We are still starving, and we've poisoned ourselves. Death is in us. How will we get new life and the nourishment we need?

Just as the poisoned prophets did, we must cry out to God for help and admit that our efforts are not working. It will take a miracle to fix the situation we are in.

In the 2 Kings story, the miracle comes when Elisha responds to the prophets plea not by removing the poison vegetables, but by putting flour in the pot. Flour, ground grain, commonly used to make bread. This paints a picture that points to the solution for our human condition.

First, it is not enough to abstain from our addictions. Something that is represented in this story by flour must be added to our lives to effect a true and lasting healing.

What is it? Jesus said in Matthew 4:4 that man does not live by bread alone but instead is fed by every word that comes from the mouth of God. So in one sense, the flour that Elisha adds can be seen as the spiritual nourishment that comes from hearing or reading God's Word.

But we can take it further than that. In John 6:35, Christ calls Himself the Bread of Life. Christ is also known as the Living Word. Christ is the missing ingredient, the One that when added to our lives, changes everything.

By giving us His Son and a way to salvation, God doesn't just give us different food to eat, but by His presence in our lives also redeems the poisonous stew we made for ourselves and transforms it into something wholesome and good.

Addictions are broken. Passions and obsessions are channeled to serve others. Relationships are restored, reconciled, strengthened. God's grace and Spirit permeate and improve every aspect of life.

The story in Nehemiah 8 parallels the 2 Kings story as a literal example of the impact of God's Word in a community of believers. They listen to the Word of God being read verse by verse, and have it explained to them so they understand it's meaning. At first this causes weeping when they see how they have fallen short of God's plan, but they are quickly urged to stop weeping and instead rejoice at the opportunity to repent and return to relationship with God.

The Nehemiah account provides us with an example of how to rightly receive God's word and the Bread of Life, Christ, as THE ingredient in our stew. Like they did, we must hear God's Word in community, learn to understand what it means, and encourage each other to repent and rejoice as we apply what we've heard.

I have found attending Celebrate Recovery to be one way to consistently put myself in a position to do this.

The 8 Principles of Celebrate Recovery are based on the Beatitudes found in Matthew 5, part of Jesus' famous Sermon on the Mount. I'm currently in a Bible study that is delving into the Sermon on the Mount. It seems fitting at this time to do a blog series that ties together what I learn there with what I've learned through Celebrate Recovery. Stay tuned...

52 Tool Cards: Winning Cooperation

2012-01-13T08:15:00.000-08:00

Jane Nelsen writes:

Children feel encouraged when you understand and respect their point of view.

This tool card encourages parents to listen to the child's thoughts and feelings, then express understanding and empathy for them without condoning. Perhaps share a time when you have felt or behaved similarly before sharing your thoughts and feelings about the situation at hand. Finally, focus on solutions together.

Ever since reading How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, I've tried to respond with empathy and understanding to C's emotional reactions.

Lately though, she hasn't been taking it well, and it almost seems to ramp up her emotional reactions instead of calming her down.

Winning Cooperation?
For example, the other day we were at a children's museum with another family that has two boys, one her age, one around a year older. The older boy, J, started to play with a kid-sized guitar. There were three other small guitars in the music area, but C really wanted the guitar J had. I told her she had to wait until J was finished, and she could pick one of the other guitars or a different musical instrument while she waited.

She screamed "NO!" and tried to grab the guitar out of J's hand. I took her hands in mine to stop her and moved her away from J. "You really want that guitar," I said. "It is hard to wait."

"STOP TALKING!" C said, and tearing herself from my grasp, threw herself on the floor (prudently on a nearby tumbling mat vs. the concrete floor we were standing on). She kicked and yelled about how mad she was. I said, "You are so mad you want to be alone right now. When you are ready, I'd like to give you a hug."

(J's mom reassured me by commenting how familiar this scene was to her as mother of a boy who just turned three and another who was three not so long ago).

In a few moments, C got up off the ground, came over and accepted a hug. She said a few more times how much she really wanted that guitar, which J was still playing. We talked some more about other things she could do while waiting, but she said no to each one, a little more calmly this time.

Meanwhile, J's mom had asked him to choose if he was going to play with the guitar for two more minutes or three more minutes. He said he wanted to play it for ninety minutes! She told him that was too long and he could pick three minutes or she would pick two minutes for him. He abruptly decided he was done with the guitar after all.

C picked it up, but then noticed that J had moved on to the dress-up area of the museum. She put the guitar back down before she had even played it once, and followed J into the dress-up area. I just had to laugh!

Did It "Work?"
I realize that whether or not I think the tool "worked" depends on my definition of "work." I would have preferred if C had heard and received my empathy, accepted the hug right away, and quickly chosen a different instrument to play alongside J. But, empathy is not a magic wand or switch that instantly stops the flow of emotion and turns my daughter into a cheerful robot.

And, although it didn't have the instant effect I was hoping for, it did prevent further grabbing. After letting out her anger in a mostly healthy and age-appropriate way, she was ready to cooperate. She waited her turn and no longer tried to grab the guitar from J. Even at that point, I would have preferred her to just pick another guitar or different instrument and play along with J instead of continuing to tell me how much she wanted the guitar, but the maturity to make that choice will come in time, perhaps with further guidance from me.

Still, This "stop talking" reaction has been a typical response the last few weeks to any efforts on my part to express empathy or soften the blow when she can't have her way. It makes me wonder if I'm doing it wrong, or if the tool isn't a good fit for her at this point in her development.

I wonder if I'm allowing her enough time to be heard before I offer my understanding words. I wonder if my empathy comes across as a pat response, an insincere response? Would a different tone of voice be more effective? I wonder if I've only used empathy when saying no and she's caught on to that and associates it with not having her way? Maybe she needs more space to work through her disappointment without commentary?

I'm probably over-thinking it.

The most likely answer is this new "stop talking" reaction is somehow related to the fact that she is very much a three year old girl who is showing all the developmental signs of being three! Foremost among those is a desire to do things without help and to pick her own course in life. It's all part of the perfectly normal and healthy impulse to continue to differentiate herself from me, her mother. Sometimes this means that she seems to do things and choose things simply to be contrary. If I choose or seem to show preference for one thing, she's sure to choose the opposite!

So I will continue to use empathy and understanding to win cooperation. I may have to fine tune some thing, but on the whole, I believe the tool "works." Not only that, it is a way to practice the Golden Rule to treat my children the way I want to be treated.

My favorite posts of 2011

2012-01-08T09:38:00.000-08:00

Looking back over all the posts I wrote in 2011, I came across a few favorites that I'm most proud of:

Thoughts on Authority and Servant Leadership
How we can reflect God's character by being servant leaders rather than managers in our homes.

End of an Era
The story of how I weaned C at 2.5 with kind and firm limits and lots of empathy.

God's Discipline
My testimony of God's astonishing grace and gentle discipline to me. It's why I'm so determined to be graceful and gentle toward my children.

Parenting to Sleep: A Spiritual Discipline
Reflections on the patience and dying to self it can take to parent to sleep effectively and stick with it when sleep is elusive!

A Day in the Life
This series of four posts documented the ups and downs of using positive parenting and gentle discipline with C one day in August, a month before she turned three.

52 Tool Cards Double Feature: Wheel of Choice and Anger Wheel of Choice

2012-01-05T10:43:00.000-08:00

Since I missed last week due to the holidays, here is another double feature of two related tool cards: The Wheel of Choice and the Anger Wheel of Choice.

The basic concept behind both tools is the same. During a calm and peaceful time, brainstorm with your child or children solutions to conflicts or ways to express anger and put them in a pie chart format. Let children illustrate each solution, or perhaps take and print photos them acting it out. Keep the Wheels posted in a prominent place for the children to refer to the next time there is a conflict or they are angry.

A sample Wheel of Choice: what to do when conflict arises.

A sample Anger Wheel of Choice: how to express anger in healthy ways.

These tools are new to me and represent a very different way of dealing with conflict and anger than I experienced growing up. I've tended to be a conflict avoider and one who either supresses or denies anger or erupts in a rage.

This week I was re-reading Jeff VanVonderen's excellent book Families Where Grace is in Place. In his chapter "Parenting Means Controlling Ourselves," VanVonderen talks about the three words for anger in the Bible:

perigismos or "seething hostility"
thumas or "outbursts of anger," "anger that is explosive"
orgay or "wrath ... a signal that something important to us has been threatened or damaged"

He explains that orgay anger that is ignored grows into perigismos or thumas anger. The instruction in Ephesians 6:4 not to exasperate our children can also be translated to not provoke them to perigismos or seething hostility. This doesn't mean to never do anything that angers children, but to allow them the freedom to express their true feelings, and equip them with the tools to deal with and express orgay anger in constructive, healthy ways. It looks to me like these two Wheels of Choice may be excellent tools for doing just that.

52 Tool Cards: Silent Signals

2011-12-23T08:32:00.000-08:00

Jane Nelsen writes:

Parents often talk too much. A silent signal could speak louder than words.

She suggests smiling and pointing to things that need to be picked up, and putting your hand on your heart to signal, "I love you."

I wonder, would C understand what I was saying if I did these things? Perhaps not without explanation. A family meeting could be a good time to explain it (although confession: we have not had one since that first trial).

I can remember one or two occasions in the past month or so where I tried to use silent signals with C. I've used a silent beckoning finger to get her to come to me once or twice. Another time I wanted her to turn around and go back and do something I had asked, so I made a little spinning motion with my finger and pointed back down the hallway. She did respond those times but I don't know if she would consistently respond now or if she would have understood or responded at all at a younger age.

C woke up with a fever last night and it still hasn't broken, so today may not be the best day to practice or try out this skill. She's sleeping in right now, a rare occurrence. Perhaps when she wakes up I'll tell her about the hand on the heart being a secret signal for "I love you." She's really in to telling us she loves us lately, so I think she'll be excited about it.

Do you use silent signals in your home? If so, I'd love if you'd share your experience with it in the comments!

52 Tool Cards: Jobs

2011-12-19T07:40:00.001-08:00

Last week I wrote about allowances and how the money should ideally not be tied in to chores or responsibilities.

So that raises the question, what chores and responsibilities should a three year old have?

C enjoys helping me with many of my every day tasks:

When I wash the dishes, she wants to be there on a stool with her own scrub brush to scrub and splash.
When I put away clean dishes, she is in charge of putting away the silverware. We moved the drawer down to her height to facilitate her ability to do this job on her own. Sometimes I have her put plastic containers away in their low cupboard as well.
Ever since she could walk and talk, I've encourage her to pick up after herself and wipe up her own spills.
When laundry has finished the wash cycle, I hand it piece by piece to C to load into the dryer, and sometimes she helps unload the dryer when it's finished.
Sometimes when I cook or bake, I find things that C can help dump and stir.
Once I scrubbed the floor by hand with a scrub brush. I made sure C had a brush or cloth of her own so she could work alongside me.

I've involved C in "tidying up" ever since she could follow instructions. I generally enforce a rule that before we move on to the next fun thing, the last fun thing must be cleaned up. Early on, her attention span may have limited her to picking up or dropping in only a few items while I did the rest. Often we make a game of it: can you find a yellow block? Or if it's toy food that's been dumped out, we'll pretend we are grocery shopping and see who is buying what at the store that day.

That paid off yesterday in a small way. I was tidying up in the living room, just general straightening that didn't necessarily involve C's possessions. She had been asking me to start a movie for her and I told her I would do it after I finished tidying up. Earlier, she had dumped out a box of blocks in her room, and I planned to go in and help her with that after finishing the living room, but hadn't mentioned that specifically to her.

Being pregnant, I had to take a bathroom break during the middle of my tidying efforts. While I was in there, I heard C go in her room, and heard blocks being dropped one by one back into their bin. After about 10 blocks, she stopped and wandered out of her room.

When I finished in the bathroom I found C and encouraged her. "I noticed you started picking up the blocks in your room without me even asking! That was very helpful!" Then we went back into her room and finished picking up the rest of the blocks together, me picking up and handing them to her so she could drop them in.

Later when DH got home, I encouraged C again by telling him in front of her how responsible she had been to start tidying up her blocks without me even asking.

Jane Nelsen emphasizes the need to take time for training. Until six years old, you should expect to work alongside and supervise your children as they do their tasks, slowly moving from doing most of the work when they are quite small to encouraging them and keeping them on task as they do most of the work as they approach the age of six.

What jobs do your children have? If you need some ideas, here are some links to age-appropriate chore lists:
http://housekeeping.about.com/od/chorechart1/a/ageapprchores.htm
http://www.lotsofkids.com/LOK-Household/Articles/age-appropriate.php
http://workingmom.com/age-guidelines.htm

52 Tool Cards: Allowances

2011-12-09T14:23:00.001-08:00

It may be her age or the season or a combination, but recently C wants everything she sees.

To deal with this, I've been using a tool I did not make up but can't remember where I learned right now (could some kind reader possibly be able to help?). When C sees something she wants me to buy for her, I say, "We can't buy it right now, but we can put that on your list of things you want."

C has responded very well to this. Now instead of asking me to buy her things, she says, "Mama, can we put this on my list?"

Today's tool card, Allowances, could be another way to deal with the "gimme-gimme buy-me buy-mes" that so often kick in when a young child is taken to the store.

Jane Nelsen says:

Allowances can be a great way to teach children about money.

But I wondered what age and amount would be appropriate to start an allowance.

The Positive Discipline blog post on the topic of Allowances clarifies:

Allowances can be started when children first become aware of the need for money—when they start wanting toys at the supermarket or treats from the ice cream truck. Some families start with a quarter, a dime, a nickel, five pennies and a piggy bank. A small child loves the variety and enjoys putting the money in the piggy bank.

So it would seem that C is developmentally ready for an allowance.

Perhaps one of her Christmas presents will be a re-usable piggy bank, or a big jar I decorate?

Celebrating Advent

2011-12-06T17:33:00.001-08:00

At three years old, C has a much greater understanding and excitement about Christmas this year than ever before. DH and I both love Christmas, and are excited about making memories and traditions with C. This year, our family has three advent calendars to help mark the time until Christmas Day.

The paper rings hanging from the angel tree topper have printing inside with instructions to read Scripture, pray or talk about an aspect of the Christmas story. We've made it a ritual to open one up each night as a family at bedtime. To keep C's interest for the Scripture reading activities, we've used her toddler Bible.

The chalkboard and felt calendar are additional fun visual aids.

On Monday, C and I went to a play date at a new friends' home. We acted out the Christmas story together using a Little People nativity set, and my friend had nativity themed story books for each of the kids to take home.

C is very curious about Santa. My parents always told me Santa wasn't real. I'm taking a slightly different approach with C, teaching her that there really was a man named St. Nicolas who loved Jesus very much, and wanted to secretly give gifts to children to show them Jesus' love. People liked that idea so much that he became a legend and we have lots of fun stories about him now like him living at the North Pole and having elves and reindeer helpers.

We have another story book that talks about why we celebrate Christmas. The book explains it as Jesus' birthday. Since the date of Christ's birth is not certain, I've tried to stay away from saying it is his actual birthday, but talk about it as a day that we celebrate his birthday. Maybe too fine a distinction for a three year old, but when she grows up and finds out it may not have been born on December 25, I don't want her to feel lied to either!

Those are some ways we are celebrating the Advent season in the Pio household. How about you?

52 Tool Cards Double Feature: Empower your Kids and Encouragement vs. Praise

2011-12-02T17:57:00.001-08:00

I've missed a few of my weekly 52 Tool Card posts, so todayis a double feature to help catch up. I'll share what the tools entail, and then share two examples from ourlife this week that I think illustrate the tool in action.

Empower Your Kids

Jane Nelsen writes:

Share control with children so they can develop skill tohave power over their own lives.
1) Teach life skills
2) Focus on solutions together.
3) Have faith in your children.
4) Let go (in small steps).
5) Increase self awareness by asking, "How do you feel?What do you think? How does this affect what you want in your life?"

Empower Your Kids Example

We went to a play date on Monday. During a short period outside, C had a broomthat a little boy wanted to play with. She was upset because he was trying to grab it away from her, and shecalled for help.

"The boy wants a turn with the broom," Isaid. Empathy for others, sharing andtaking turns are life skills I want to teach her.

Next, I focused on solutions. "Do you think you could play with it fora few more minutes and then let him have a turn? Or, look, he has a hammer. Maybe you can trade him."

I then showed faith and let go by stepping back a little togive her space to make her choice.

C thought for a moment, then held out the broom to the boyand asked if she could trade him for the hammer.

"You chose to trade the broom and the hammer. Thankyou!" I said. Simply commenting onactions without judgment can increase self awareness.

Encouragement Vs. Praise

Jane Nelsen writes:

Teach self-reliance instead of dependence on others. Encouragement invites self-evaluation. Praise invites children to become"approval junkies."

The difference between praise and encouragement can best beillustrated with examples. Praise says,"I am proud of you." Praisecalls a child a "good girl."

By contrast, encouragement comments, "You worked hard.You must be proud of yourself." Encouragement says, "Thank you for helping."

In Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline, Becky Bailey alsotalks about encouragement. Rather thanlabeling THE CHILD as "good," "helpful," etc., we can tellthem we noticed what they did and tell them what character quality THEIR ACTIONillustrated.

Encouragement Vs. Praise Example

At the same play date a short time later, it was time to goinside. C--without anyprompting--started to tidy up the outdoor toys and put them back in the playhouse and sandbox where they were when we started playing. I joined her in her efforts.

When we were done, I encouraged her by saying, "Thanksfor tidying up the toys. That was very responsible and helpful ofyou!" Perhaps to make it more clearI was commenting on the action, I should have said, "That was a very responsibleand helpful thing to do."

Gluten Free for the Holidays?

2011-11-10T16:08:00.001-08:00

I'm getting nervous about the upcoming holidays. I was diagnosed with gluten sensitivity early in 2011. Easter was shortly after my diagnosis, and I felt loved and cared for when most of the menu at our family gathering was naturally gluten free.

But somehow an Easter menu seems more flexible than the traditional Thanksgiving and Christmas foods. What will be safe for me to eat at family gatherings this season? Normally meat, fruits and vegetables are my go-to parts of the meal ... but as the article 10 Ways to Accidentally Gluten Yourself at Thanksgiving reminded me, the "richer" and more "decadent" preparations of meat, fruits and vegetables at these fall and winter holiday meals often include wheat flour as a thickening agent or barley malt as a flavoring agent.

In a way, this blog is me grieving in advance that I won't be able to eat traditional foods prepared in traditional ways. I have to recognize the reality of the loss before I can process it and move on to solutions.

I found another blog that puts some of those feelings of loss into words very well, if a little melodramatically:

What is it about going gluten-free that is so hard?

Answer: it’s everywhere.

And not just at restaurants and potlucks and school cafeterias. It’s not just in innocent invitations to lunch or grabbing a beer after work. It’s not just in the business traveler’s trip to a conference at a hotel that might not be accommodating. No…gluten is not just in your present physical environment. Gluten is firmly embedded in your soul, your memories, and your connections to the past that you had hoped to connect to your future.

Gluten is the smell of Grandma’s bread, Mom’s pie, and those rolls in a tube that you have every Thanksgiving. Gluten is the tradition of hot dogs at a ball game, funnel cakes at the state fair, pizza and a beer for the Super Bowl. Gluten is not just a highly addictive grain that civilization has cultivated and consumed for thousands of years; it is not “just one” of many foods. It’s not about the food, never has been, and never will be. There are plenty of other foods to eat, that’s not the point.

Gluten is part of your soul, and every time you smell fried chicken or baked bread, every time you find yourself at an event with gluten as an ingredient in a traditional meal, every time you have to decline an invitation or move heaven and earth to participate, you are giving up part of your soul. You are reminded that not only is the current world not designed for you, but that so much of your fondly remembered past was not designed for you either. And then you become overwhelmed considering a future as an alien, a stranger in the world without anchor or reprieve…

Some may wonder, "What's the big deal? Why not cheat for just this one (or two) day(s)?"

The problem is, that at this point I'm not just putting my own health at risk. I'll be 10 weeks pregnant on Sunday. The second trimester starts at the end of November. There have been studies that connect gluten consumption in the sensitive/celiac to neural tube defects and other birth defects, low birth weight and increased rates of miscarriage and stillbirth. I don't know exactly how sensitive I am, but it is not a gamble I am willing to make.

So I need to find another solution.

One I've thought of is to volunteer to do more of the cooking so I can make sure there are enough "safe" dishes on the table that I can relax and enjoy the family gatherings without feeling deprived or left out. Another solution could be to just prepare special food for myself, but I think the fellowship and shared experience that comes from sharing the same (or most of the same) food is important.

52 Tool Cards: Follow Through

2011-11-05T10:54:00.000-07:00

If you say it, mean it, and if you mean it, follow through.

We teach kids our words have meaning by how we follow through to make our words happen. On this tool card, Jane Nelsen says that kids know when you mean it and when you don't.

The National Center for Biblical Parenting has a series of blogs on the Action Point. The Action Point is the moment when follow through to make our words happen, the moment when we expect our kids to comply. Kids know when we mean it and when we don't because we give them cues, either intentionally or unintentionally. Unintentional cues could be repeating our instructions over and over again until we get angry or yell. When we do this, our kids learn that they don't have to cooperate until we are angry or yell. Intentional cues could include using the child's name, using the word "now," or announcing that we are about to give them an instruction they need to obey. Then we follow through by making sure the instruction is followed or the end result is achieved.

Of course, not every interaction calls for obedience so not every interaction calls for this kind of immediate follow through.

For example, C spent almost an hour in the bathtub this morning. She was having fun and it wasn't critical to us that she get out at any particular time. So, after she had been in for a while, we suggested she let the water out. She said she was still playing. After more time had passed, we asked if she was ready to get out. She wasn't, so she stayed in. It wasn't important, so we didn't push the issue. No command was given and there was no expectation for obedience.

But eventually DH wanted to use the bathroom for his own shower. So, he told her it was time to get out.

He followed through by reaching into the tub and pulling up the drain cover. As the water drained, he got down the towel and wrapped her up in it. He then guided her to the bedroom and helped her get dressed. When it mattered, he followed through to make his words have meaning.

The concept of follow through is also important for enforcing boundaries. As parents, we can decide what we will do and inform our children of our decisions. Jane Nelsen gives the example, "I will read a story at 8:00 if pajamas are on and teeth are brushed." If kids aren't in pajamas and teeth aren't brushed, then the parent follows through by not reading a story that night, but offers the encouragement that the child can try again the next day.

Consistency is important, of course, but so is judicious use of flexibility. Wise parents will know when to make exceptions or be humble enough to recognize when they need to change their mind. When exceptions must be made or you do change your mind, telling your child you have chosen to make an exception and explaining the reasons behind that choice reinforces your authority as the parent.

"Trust Me"

2011-10-31T11:14:00.000-07:00

In early August, I had a dream. In the dream, a friend told me not to be scared, that I would have "a September baby." When I had that dream I realized that even though I'd been hoping and praying each month to be pregnant again, part of me also drew a sigh of relief when it didn't happen. No pregnancy meant no risk of miscarriage. I began to work through that fear in the month that followed.

On September 4 a few days before I was expecting my period, I had a little spotting that seemed to taper off. Implantation bleeding? I wondered. After three negative home pregnancy tests, my period started full force on September 7.

I shared this story with my therapist. She encouraged me that in order to get pregnant I would have to work on letting go of my anxiety around getting pregnant. By hoping too much, anxiously worrying and fretting over every twinge and sign my body gave me, I actually created stress that made the environment of my body less hospitable to life.

My hyper-focus on getting pregnant ironically made getting pregnant less likely.

She advised me to shift my focus to simply enjoying spending time with my husband and let things happen more naturally. I took what she said to heart.

Toward the end of September, I noticed some changes in my body. I was getting up to pee in the middle of the night. My breasts were getting bigger and my nipples were a darker pink. Based on the 9/7 date for the start of my last cycle, I wasn't expecting my period until October 2, but based on how I felt I decided to test on September 29. (9/29 was the day my period would have been due based on the 9/4 start date, and looking back, I think I should have counted 9/4 as the first day of my last menstrual period all along).

While I was performing the test, C walked in to the bathroom.

"Is God sending our baby back?" she asked.

I said that I didn't know yet.

C sat down on the bathroom floor and started mumbling to herself. I didn't realize she was praying until she stood up and said "Amen."

"God said yes!" she announced.

I looked down at the test.

I could barely see a second pink line. Was I imagining it? Was it wishful thinking?

A test later that day showed a darker second line and I dared to believe that yes, I am pregnant.

In the weeks since then, I've swung between confidence that I will certainly meet this baby in June and a sense of doom that another miscarriage is inevitable.

I held my breath as I passed the 5 week mark where I lost Audrey Hope last year. When that day came and went, I went to a clinic to have the pregnancy confirmed and the doctor said she wanted to schedule a pap smear and an ultrasound "to confirm viability and dates." She told me to come back in two weeks.

The days leading up to the appointment were the most stressful yet. I imagined worst case scenarios. Maybe the ultrasound would show an ectopic pregnancy. Maybe the baby had stopped growing but my body didn't know it yet.

I'd shared the news of my pregnancy with friends and family early on to get prayer support. I'd asked everyone I could think of for prayer for this ultrasound and my own peace.

By the Thursday morning of the appointment, the prayers for peace had done their work. My anxieties and fears had (mostly) melted away and I felt excited to see the little heartbeat.

When we were called back, a nurse took my blood pressure and weight and had me pee in a cup. Then she led us to an office. She said she had some questions before we saw the doctor. One of her first questions was, "Do you have an appointment for a pap and dating ultrasound?"

I was confused. Wasn't that what I was there for? No; that day's appointment was an intake interview and blood tests. Apparently there had been some miscommunication with the original doctor. The pap is now scheduled for November 11, and there may or may not be an ultrasound at that point.

After the initial disappointment of not getting to see the baby as I had hoped dissipated, I began to wonder why God had answered the prayers this way.

The clear answer was a simple: "Trust Me."

So as of today, October 31, I'm exhausted all the time. I pee all the time. I'm frequently hungry but get full after just a few bites. I'm experiencing food aversions and nausea and heartburn more intense than I remember from my pregnancy with C.

I'm eight weeks and one day pregnant and grateful for every day.

52 Tool Cards: Motivation

2011-10-28T17:51:00.000-07:00

Jane Nelsen writes:

1) Where did we ever get the crazy idea that children DO better when they FEEL worse (punishment)

2) Children DO better when they FEEL better (encouragement)

3) Find solutions to problems WITH your children to increase motivation

This week, I happened to glance through my copy of The Love Dare. DH and I won it at a young marrieds event a few years ago, and honestly, I've never taken the time to read it before.

The opening sentences for Day 1: Love is patient grabbed me:

Love works. It is life's most powerful motivator and has far greater depth and meaning than most people realize.

Love is the best and most powerful motivator. Love helps people feel better so they do better. This is true of children, and this is true of adults. It is true relationally, and it is also true spiritually.

After all, it's God's kindness that leads us to repentance. God could say "do this or else," stand back and watch us fail, then dole out the punishment. He could zap us whenever we made a mistake. Instead, He died for us. Instead, He rose again to bring us new life. Instead, He gave us the Holy Spirit to comfort us, teach us, guide us, bear fruit in us and continue to work in us to empower us to overcome old habits and heal past hurts. How unimaginably great and wide and deep and high is his love for us!

Later in the same lesson in The Love Dare, I found this nugget of wisdom:

Patience helps you give your spouse permission to be human. It understands that everyone fails. When a mistake is made, it chooses to give them more time than they deserve to correct it.

This is certainly a wise way to conduct a marital relationship. It is equally wise to apply to parenting.

Because God first loved me, I want to pass along His kind love, His patient love, to my child. Patience gives my daughter permission to be human, not a robot that must obey my every whim instantly. Patience understands that everyone fails, especially a three-year-old whose brain is still developing and who is still learning the rules of our society. When my three year old daughter makes mistakes, patience chooses to give her more time than she deserves to correct it. Patience gets down on her level and kindly and firmly helps her make the right choice.

Where punishment motivates through fear, encouragement and positive guidance motivate through love.

Motivating through fear is appealing because it gets a quick result. However, outwardly "good" behavior motivated by fear lasts only as long as the threat of punishment exists. Those motivated to comply solely through fear are also motivated to learn ways to sneak and cover-up so they can keep doing what they want.

Motivating through love seems like more work. It may not have as quick of a result in the short-term. But unlike behavior motivated by fear, it has staying power. Those motivated this way have no need to sneak or cover-up bad behavior. The close, honest, authentic relationships that result are worth the extra work and extra time.

I will walk in my Savior's footsteps and train and motivate with patient love.

52 Tool Cards: Hugs

2011-10-22T10:36:00.000-07:00

Children do better when they feel better, and so do you. Hugs help us feel better.

This week I came across a sweet social story about a giraffe baby and mama over at Mama Psalmist. She introduces it this way:

This is a story I've been telling Adelaide at bedtime. I'm hoping that if I tell myself stories about a patient, calm mother who handles an unruly young one with grace, I might start to be just like that mama.

I read this story to C and it was an instant hit!

"Read it again!" C asked over and over. Soon I had the basics of the story memorized and was able to tell it to her a few different times throughout the day without reading the blog.

And, it had the effect Mama Psalmist intended in encouraging me to be a more patient, calm mother.

At bedtime last night, C had a hard time. She wanted Daddy to brush her teeth, she wanted Daddy to put on her pajamas, and circumstances did not allow Daddy to do it. I calmly empathized with her while I continued moving her through the routine:

"You wanted Daddy to do it, and Mama is doing it. I can see you are upset about that."

Her teeth were brushed, and her pajama top was on, but now she was so upset that her limbs were flailing and it would be difficult to get her diaper or pajama bottoms on without using excessive physical force.

I saw that I would need to help her calm down. Then I remembered the story about Gertie the giraffe.

"Would you like mama to hold you until you feel better?" I offered.

She snuggled up on my lap, still crying.

Soon she had calmed down quite a bit. She asked if she could wait until later to put her diaper on. I decided this was reasonable. We lay down and snuggled and she quickly fell asleep. Before I left the room, I put her diaper and pajama bottoms on.

I think the bedtime routine could have been even more peaceful if I had remembered to offer to sit with her and help her calm down even earlier, when I first saw that she was getting upset and losing control of her emotions.

52 Tool Cards: Teach Children What to Do

2011-10-14T11:40:00.000-07:00

The root word of discipline is "disciple" which means "to teach." Effective teaching focuses on what TO do versus what not to do (see my previous posts on Distract and Redirect, Take Time For Training, Practice and Small Steps for more discussion of this concept and related ideas).

Instead of telling young children what NOT to do, teach them what they CAN do.

Demonstrating the action along with the words is most effective. For example, instead of "Don't hit," say "Gentle touches," while you take their hand and demonstrate. Then reinforce the lesson by asking them to show you their gentle touches.

If you have a rule about not throwing balls in the house, then you can teach them what to do with the ball in the house instead of throwing it. Perhaps rolling it on the floor is acceptable to you. Show them how to roll it on the floor and play a few rounds of pass it back and forth to reinforce the lesson.

If the child later forgets and throws instead of rolls, do another round of reminding and practicing. Or, you can say, "Looks like you're having trouble remembering to roll the ball instead of throw it. How about we go outside together and throw for a while?" Or put the ball away for the time being and redirect to a totally different activity.

Throwing is often a seemingly irresistible action to your child. After all, toddlers have a strong drive to achieve developmental milestones and experiment with the world around them, and throwing is part of that. So it might be a good idea to provide them something that they CAN throw indoors without the worry of breaking something. Something not very aerodynamic may fit the bill, like a small bean bag or a lightweight foam ball.

Thoughts on Proverbs 31

2011-10-11T16:25:00.000-07:00

Today's lesson at the women's Bible study I attend focused on the Proverbs 31 woman. After doing my homework for the lesson I felt convicted, and maybe even a little condemned. How can I live up to that high standard?

The small group discussion time encouraged me a little and helped me focus on the small ways that I am a Proverbs 31 woman in some aspects of my life.

Then for our large group time the leaders gave us a special treat. They invited us into a room filled with tables each decorated with a specific theme representing different time periods of a woman's life.

One table had a centerpiece made up of a breast pump, diapers and baby food. Another table had juice boxes and alphabet stickers. There was a high school and college themed table, a wedding table, a traveling in retirement table, a 50th anniversary table and a "silver-haired sage" table.

As we noshed on our veggies, crackers, cheese and cupcakes, one of the leaders interviewed four women at four different stages of life about how they lived out Proverbs 31.

I came away encouraged and inspired instead of discouraged and condemned.

With the decorations and interviews, the leaders beautifully illustrated that Proverbs 31 is not necessarily a description of a single day in an ideal woman's life. It is the sum of her activities through the various seasons of a long and productive life.

I especially loved that the verse on the baby stage table was "She gets up while it is still dark to prepare food for her family." The baby and toddler years are a time for getting up in the night to tend to the needs of our little ones, whether that involves physically nourishing them with our breasts or a bottle, or the spiritual and emotional nourishment we give them each time we sacrifice sleep to be awake and present with them to soothe their hurts, fears, and sicknesses.

52 Tool Cards: Break the Code

2011-10-07T21:09:00.000-07:00

Positive discipline includes assigning positive intent to our children. In other words, when they do something crazymaking, it is not because they actually want to drive us crazy, but because they are seeking to meet some need in an ineffective way.

Jane Nelsen created the Mistaken Goal Chart to help parents decipher some common kid behaviors.

Here's how to use it:

Choose a behavior challenge.
Identify the feelings you have and how you react.
Identify the child's reaction when you tell him or her to stop.
Use the chart o identify what belief may be behind your child's behavior.
Try suggestions in the last column of the chart to encourage behavior change.

To be honest, this chart doesn't sit completely right with me. I wonder if that's because of the age/stage we are at or because of my other parenting beliefs.

For example, C is three years old. Our bedtime and naptime routines still includes lots of cuddles and kisses and ups and downs. Sometimes I get annoyed by that, which could be a signal that I'm giving her undue attention at those times and should be pushing her toward more independent sleep, where I just tuck her in, give a quick kiss and walk out the door.

On the other hand, in my opinion there is a lot about a three year old that is still a baby. On the whole I enjoy the quiet and silly times together at bedtime and naptimes, and I think it is valuable time for keeping our relationship connected.

So I'm not convinced that our bedtime routines actually represent undue attention.

What do you think about the Mistaken Goal Chart?

The Importance of Extended Rear-Facing

2011-10-04T16:15:00.000-07:00

This weekend I took a road trip with C to go visit my family. DH was already in the area as he had attended a week of training that ended at noon on Friday.

About 25 miles from our final destination, we hit some of the stop and go traffic that is so common on Southern California freeways.

I came to a stop and heard a loud crash and the shattering of glass. Just as I registered that the sound meant we had been rear-ended, I heard another crash and felt myself being thrown against the seat belt. The rear-end collision had pushed us into the car in front of us.

I sat frozen for a minute and then C's cries sprung me into action. I started to voice reassurance as I climbed into the back seat. Glass was everywhere. How much had hit C? I instantly wondered.

I couldn't see the answer immediately. The seat had been thrown toward the back seat, forming a clam shell around her. I tilted it back quickly and began assessing C for injuries. There was a tiny amount of blood on her wrist from a slight scratch.

No other cuts or abrasions. No broken bones.

Granted, this was a fairly low-speed collision. The airbag did not deploy. But I am so thankful that we had C rear-facing. (By the way, I'm fine as well.)

The NHTSA recommends that car seats be replaced after moderate and severe collisions, but not necessarily after a minor collision.

They define a minor collision as one which meets all the following criteria:

The vehicle was able to be driven away from the crash site;
The vehicle door nearest the safety seat was undamaged;
There were no injuries to any of the vehicle occupants;
The air bags (if present) did not deploy; AND
There is no visible damage to the safety seat

My car was not able to be driven away from the scene, and the door closest to C was bent slightly.

So we bought a new car seat, one that is rated for rear-facing up to 40 pounds (our previous seat was rated for rear-facing up to 35 pounds).

Even though she is three years old, C weighs just 28.5 pounds. She'll be rear-facing for quite some time!

Dealing with Tears & Fears at Bedtime

2011-09-28T21:46:00.000-07:00

In the past two weeks, C has hit the imagination explosion that characterizes many three-year-olds full force. It has been a delight to hear and watch her extended fantasy play.

And yet, as this article on Common Childhood Fears points out:

Children’s imagination becomes extremely active at ages three and four. Three and four year olds tend to be a very fearful group. Typical fears involve the dark, scary, noises, masks, TV monsters, animals, being alone, and burglars. They worry about being harmed by superhuman creatures. Young children are egocentric and have difficulty discriminating between fantasy and reality.

This has proven true as well. Right around her third birthday about a month ago, we started helping C to fall asleep without us. We'd do a bedtime routine, and stay by her bed for a little while to help her get settled, and then we'd have to "check on something." She didn't fall asleep right away, and there were usually at least three ups and downs or requests for us to come back and help her with something before she drifted off, but it was peaceful and pleasant.

But since the imagination explosion, she is suddenly bursting into tears when we leave the room and has been saying she's scared or afraid. After a few nights like this, I realized I needed to reevaluate if our routine was still meeting our family's needs.

Though it had been nice to be able to leave the room and check on things while C fell asleep mostly on her own, it was clear that being rigid about enforcing her being alone in the room at the moment sleep arrived wasn't meeting her emotional needs at this new stage in her development.

Her fears are absolutely real to her, and my presence with her to help her through them teaches her deeper lessons about unconditional love, my trustworthiness and availability to comfort her during hard times, and ultimately, provides a living lesson in God's constant comforting presence.

This morning C told me that she had a scary dream about a bear. Tonight at bedtime she told me she was afraid the bear was going to come and stand outside her window.

Rather than discount her fear and be dismissive, for example by saying that it was silly to be afraid because the bear was only in her imagination, I took her seriously and walked her through brainstorming a solution that took advantage of the strength of her imagination.

"It would be scary for a bear to be outside your window," I said. "What can we do to help the bear stay away? I know! What are bears scared of? Let's think."

C and I tapped our chins as we thought of ideas.

"Pigs!" C exclaimed after a short time.

"Bears are scared of pigs, that's right," I replied as if she had just reminded me of this truth. "So if that bear is coming, you can scare him away by making a noise like a pig. Let's practice."

Then I pretended to be a silly-scary bear, complete with roars and hand-claws and exclamations of "I'm coming to get you!" in a funny voice.

"Oink! Oink!" C said with a grin.

I shrank back in exaggerated fear. "Oh no! I didn't know there were any pigs here. I'm scared of pigs! I better run away!"

C giggled.

We repeated the game several times as we continued through the bedtime routine.

There's a show C likes to watch called Miffy. Miffy is a bunny who is friends with pigs and bears. The last time we played the bear-pig game, I said, "Wait! I'm Boris Bear! Poppy Pig, I'm your friend, remember me?"

We talked about how some bears were nice, and maybe the bear outside her window was really Boris, and he wanted to be her friend too.

She still asked me to stay until she fell asleep. I went and got my knitting, and watched her arm fall limp before I even finished a row of 28 stitches.

52 Tool Cards: Mistakes

2011-09-23T18:52:00.000-07:00

Going through cognitive therapy has taught me that at the base of my depression and anxiety are some self-defeating beliefs. On page 147 of his very helpful workbook, Ten Days to Self Esteem, Dr. David Burns lists 10 common self-defeating beliefs:

1. Emotional Perfectionism: "I should always feel happy, confident and in control of my emotions."
2. Performance Perfectionism: "I must never fail or make a mistake."
3. Perceived Perfectionism: "People will not love and accept me as a flawed and vulnerable human being."
4. Fear of disapproval or criticism: "I need everybody's approval to be worthwhile."
5. Fear of rejection: "If I'm not loved, then life is not worth living."s
6. Fear of being alone: "If I'm alone, I'm bound to feel miserable and unfulfilled."
7. Fear of failure: "My worthwhileness depends on my achievements, intelligence, status, attractiveness."
8. Conflict phobia: "People who love each other shouldn't fight."
9. Emotophobia: "I should not feel angry, anxious, inadequate, jealous, or vulnerable."
10. Entitlement: "People should always be the way I expect them to be."

To me it makes sense that these types of beliefs are formed in early childhood as a result of experiences with our parents. Therefore, it stands to reason we can teach our children different core beliefs with conscious, positive parenting.

For example, how we react to mistakes (our own and our children's) will give them messages. We can reinforce the beliefs, "I must never fail or make a mistake," and "People will not love and accept me as a flawed and vulnerable human being," by treating mistakes as bad, something to be punished, something to be ashamed of and something to hide, cover up and deny.

Or, we can choose a different path and instead see mistakes, those we make and those our children make, as an opportunity for learning and react accordingly.

Jane Nelsen suggests that families use dinner time to each share one mistake they made that day and what they learned from it. This reinforces that mistakes are normal and expected, that everyone makes them, and that they are opportunities to learn something new.

I make mistakes all the time! I spill things, I make wrong turns, I am forgetful, I lose my temper, I misspeak, I make typos, I misunderstand.

As I go through therapy, I'm learning slowly but surely to treat myself gently when I catch myself in one of these mistakes or when someone else points them out. Instead of overreacting, calling myself names, and going into an emotional tailspin, I can now take a breath and say, "Oops! I made a mistake! It's OK, we can just clean it up!" Or we can just try again, or just remember what to do instead next time...

When I treat myself gently, it comes more naturally to treat DH and C with the same kindness and compassion when they make mistakes too.

52 Tool Cards: Validate Emotions

2011-09-17T08:08:00.000-07:00

1) Allow children to have their feelings so they can learn they are capable of dealing with them.

I'd also add that allowing children to have their feelings gives them stronger experience of unconditional love. At young ages it is difficult to impossible for a child to separate their self-concept from their experiences and what you tell them about themselves through direct and indirect messages. Therefore, they receive your acceptance of their emotions deep in their soul as acceptance of them as a person. They learn they are still loveable when they are angry, sad, or having other big feelings. Sending them away to calm down gives the message that happy is the only acceptable emotion.

2) Don't rescue or try to talk children out of their feelings.

Rescuing or trying to talk children out of their feelings sends the message that big feelings are too big and scary for you to handle and therefore too big and scary for them to handle.

3) Validate their feelings: "I can see you are really (angry, upset, sad)."

This statement is actually reflective instead of validating. According to this article to be truly validating, a response to emotions needs to communicate this message:

"Your feelings make sense. Not only do I hear you, but I understand why you feel the way you do. You are not bad or wrong or crazy for feeling the way you do."

"It makes sense that you feel that way," or "I'd be (angry, upset, sad) too," can be helpful additions to fully validate emotions. And, to make it trickier, unless it comes from a place of true empathy, such statements may make your child feel condescended to and manipulated. You can make sure your response does come across with empathy by allowing yourself to imagine yourself in the same or similar situation before speaking.

4) Then keep your mouth shut and have faith in you children to work it through.

I'd add, remain present and available if they want to talk it out, need a hug, etc. Unless they specifically ask for or demonstrate a need for space, your presence and availability communicates your fundamental acceptance and unconditional love for them, no matter what they are feeling.

Untangling the Snarls

2011-09-14T21:10:00.000-07:00

I've always loved untangling snarled necklace chains. I love the puzzle aspect and teasing out and loosening the knots and then watching it all unravel back to individual chains.

Two weeks ago (when I started dressing my truth), I found three delicate chains stashed in the back of my jewelry box, so badly tangled that I'm still working on it even though I spend time every day loosening the knots. I've made progress: one chain was set free, and the central knot that holds the remaining two together grows smaller at each session.

Untangling those necklaces is a good metaphor for what is going on with me internally lately too. The two one-on-one counseling sessions I've had, regular attendance at Celebrate Recovery, and four completed steps from David Burns' workbook "Ten Days to Self-Esteem," all have been working together as God's instruments to untangle snarls in my soul.

What parts of my inner life represent the real me, the authentic being God created me to be? What are mere cognitive distortions and negative thinking and coping mechanisms that I've lived with for so long that I began to believe they were the real me?

It's been fascinating and rewarding journey, if a little painful in parts.

Dressing my truth as a bright and animated woman (in colors that pop, gold accessories among other things, started the first knot loosening.

When I started dressing my truth, it brought back a flood of positive memories from my childhood. I remembered the me that was full of enthusiasm and never short of ideas.

I wrote silly short stories (like Mystery Martian and the Lost Glove, or How the Catfish Got Its Whiskers).

I was an instigator and organizer of fun. Once I wrote a script and rounded up my cousins to put on a Christmas pageant for our family (my youngest sister played baby Jesus!).

I had business ideas. My sister and I made bookmarks with crayons and scrap paper from my dad's office. Then I came up with the idea to go around the neighborhood selling them! We even had a few customers in the little old neighbor ladies who thought we were adorable.

Yet somehow in my adult years, I started to see myself as boring and low energy and no fun. I can't explain exactly why dressing in a bright, animated way validated and unleashed that part of me again, but somehow it did.

That unraveled one set of knots.

Extreme self-consciousness and social phobias led me to believe that I'm an introvert. But over the past few weeks, as my social anxiety has lessened and I find myself increasingly comfortable in social situations again, I'm finding that rather than being drained by them as an introvert would be, I'm actually energized by them!

Last night I took a ginormous personality test over at SimpleMinds. And I although I've tested as INFJ or INFP in the past, last night I tested as Myers-Briggs ENFP, and it really resonated with me.

The ginormous test gave an Enneagram result too and came out with Type 4 (with a strong 3 wing). The Enneagram profile for a 4 says my driving motivation is needing to be unique and different, and the 3 in me needs to be admired and noticed.

I can see that in myself, and also see how when I'm unhealthy/depressed it gets turned upside down to "I'm so different that no one understands me or I'm so different that I'm missing out on something everyone else has," from the 4 and "I stand out like a sore thumb, everyone's watching me/judging me," from the 3.

Last night I was doing some reading about cognitive dissonance and rationalizations and confirmation bias that helped me to see how once I get started on those type of thoughts it's hard to stop.

For example, part of my social anxiety has been that when I see a group of women chatting, my default reaction would be to feel left out, and assume they have a closeness with each other that I can never have. I'm finally seeing the lie in that, and how my belief in that lie becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy (i.e. I hold back from joining the group, withdraw into myself and so of course never do get close to them).

Yet despite the behavior I've had based on those irrational beliefs, God has blessed me with many caring people in my life. What mercy and grace!

I'm so full of hope in the possibilities for the future now that I'm beginning to see the old rationalizations and fears for what they are and know how to defeat them. Even though it is a battle, I will choose to live in truth .... the truth that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, am capable of loving and being loved.

At the same time, I recognize that I'm at a danger point just now. In 2006 I went through and recovered from an episode of depression/anxiety. I even used the same workbook I'm using now. I looked through it and noticed that back then I started but never completed Step 5 in the workbook, and the rest of it remains blank.

I can remember putting aside part way through Step 5 because:

a) I was feeling much better by then (much like now),

b) my brain had already rapidly made some of the connections the author was leading up to with the exercises (much like now) and it felt redundant to go through them when I already "got it"

c) the exercises started getting harder/less fun!

I completed Step 4 just last night. As I looked ahead to see what Step 5 entailed, the same feelings about continuing that I had last time reemerged. But this time I don't want to let those feelings trick me into stopping recovery.

I need accountability to make it through this workbook, continue going to therapy and continue attending Celebrate Recovery. Telling this blog audience is one way to keep myself accountable.

I want to fully untwist and untangle my thinking and not let the snarls stay and get me all tangled up again in a few days, weeks, months or years!

Gratitude: Focus on the Positive

2011-09-12T18:57:00.000-07:00

I had my second therapy appointment today. My therapist suggested that I shift my focus to the positive and good things when I'm feeling down. Sounds like a no-brainer suggestion but I definitely needed the reminder.

So, here's a list of positive things that I'm grateful for.

My husband. He is kind and gentle and sarcastic and hard-working. He loves to serve and help out people in need. He gives awesome massages. He's always on my team and I love working on projects with him. He listens and communicates pretty well and humbly accepts constructive criticism if I give it. He loves musicals and going to the theater and traveling. I love to spend time with him.
My daughter. She is a delight, from the top of her golden halo of curls to the bottom of her grubby little feet that sometimes kick us in our sleep. She is sensitive, charming, imaginative, funny, determined, energetic, and bright. She's friendly and says hi to everyone. She catches on quickly and loves to be helpful. We have fun together and it's a joy to be her mama.
My husband's fabulous family. They are warm and loving and kind and have embraced me fully as one of their own. I treasure the close relationships I'm developing with my mother-in-law and sisters-in-law and aunts-in-law. I'm blessed to live so close to them and see them all the time.
A place to live and food on the table. God has richly provided for all our needs since my husband lost his job last year.
My new life in the country. I look out my window and see bunnies or birds in our field. I have the opportunity to raise chickens and just started getting my first eggs in the past week! I had my first vegetable garden and enjoyed squash and lettuce and tomatoes and onions and corn and strawberries I grew myself. My neighbors have horses and goats and cows that I can enjoy visiting and not have to take care of!
New friends. I've been welcomed into this new community and have met some really wonderful people that I like and like me back, and I meet more all the time. Connecting to women through online communities is a different but also valuable part of my social life.
Old Friends. Social networking has helped me keep in touch with and build even deeper relationships with dear women I knew in college as we share the ups and downs of marriage and joys and trials of motherhood.
Breastfeeding. My body's ability to feed and grow a beautiful baby into a toddler was empowering and healed some body image issues for me and increased my confidence as a mother. It has been a source of connection to other women as well and may be a source of a new purpose for advocacy and involvement in this season of my life.
Creativity. Whether it's making up a song to help with parenting or telling C silly stories or improvising a meal from ingredients I have on hand or writing this blog or drawing or painting or crafting or knitting or crocheting or sewing or playing the piano or putting together a fun outfit, my creativity is part of who God made me to be, and to paraphrase Eric Liddell, when I'm creative, I feel his pleasure.

52 Tool Cards: Understand the Brain

2011-09-09T08:35:00.000-07:00

When people are upset, they access the fight/flight part of their brains.

1) Do not try to solve a problem when you or your child are upset.
2) Wait until after a cooling off period (positive time-out) when you can both access your rational brains.
3) Putting the problem on the family meeting agenda (or asking your child to) is another way to allow for a cooling off period.

This video illustrates this concept in a very memorable way.

The video talks more about how to use positive time-out as well.

If you want to learn more about the brain science underlying child development, you may want to check out this article by Melissa Healy published in the Los Angeles Times in 2009 that explains how the same lack of frontal cortex development that gives kids limited self-control is the key to their ability to learn rapidly in these early years, or this one from Parenting.com that explains the brain science behind toddler temper tantrums (take the punitive discipline advice with a grain of salt though). Another article from PBS's FRONTLINE talks about adolescent brain development and how it may influence learning and behavior.

More on DYT and a Mental Health Progress Report

2011-09-03T13:21:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine blogged today about her own journey with Dressing Your Truth, how she found out about it and how it has impacted her at a level so much deeper than just dressing and feeling beautiful.

Check out Part 1 and Part 2!

Part One has a great overview of what Dressing Your Truth is, and Part Two goes into how understanding her nature and dressing accordingly has created some aha! moments for her.

This is one of my favorite sections:

I am not a "textbook" Type 1 - what I call bouncy balls and fireworks. Rather, I describe my energy as "a dreamer, head in the clouds" energy. It is still a very light, airy, full of ideas energy - but it also has a soft, gentle, graceful element to it. Think Belle in Disney's Beauty & the Beast. Thinking of it in that way allowed me to start to truly accept and embrace this part of my nature in a way I hadn't been able to before.

I love that! The way she expresses her bright animated energy is influenced by a secondary soft subtle energy which makes it not quite as in your face as the Type One description sounds at first. I didn't believe I could be a Type 1 because I didn't feel extroverted and loud and flashy enough. But I'm my own kind of Type 1! Although I loved the comparison to Belle, but my mind instantly went to another of my favorite fictional heroines, Anne of Green Gables!

I have to say since purging my closet of the black clothes and dark shaded/rich golden colors and bringing out and wearing my clothes with colors that pop, I've felt more me than I have in years. The excitable bouncy clapping singing dancing joyful sublime silly whimsical me! It may sound strange, but just changing the way I dress and accepting my bright animated nature has been deeply healing for me. I don't have to censor myself and be more "grown up" or serious or somber than I am. I don't have to beat myself up for not being someone else.

This is only one facet of my recovery from depression and anxiety. Going public with my problem was one important step. Deleting doomsday-type websites from my favorites and blogroll is another. Meditating on Scripture and going through Celebrate Recovery to keep my focus on Christ as my source of hope and truth is the foundation of my recovery.

All those intersected on Thursday. One of my favorite verses is Zephaniah 3:17, and at a friend's suggestion I meditated on it Thursday night while singing "Revelation Song" at Celebrate Recovery. God gave me a vision of me worshiping in the Throne Room and Him delighting in me living as who I was meant to be, and tears flowed and a burden of fear and anger lifted off my heart.

And, in the midst of it all, God is showing me a new path for me to embrace my passion for breastfeeding advocacy. But that's another story for another blog post.

52 Tool Cards: Sense of Humor

2011-09-02T16:22:00.000-07:00

Humor can help parents and children lighten up.

First, an aside:
Over the past year, I've been learning about Carol Tuttle's Dressing Your Truth concept and recently had the epiphany that although I've been trying to live as a rich, dynamic woman (T3) or a bold, striking woman (T4), I'm actually a bright and animated woman (T1)!

Here are some before and after pictures:

Before (trying to be T3/Autumn)

After: At home in my skin as a bright animated T1!

It has been freeing and healing to accept this about myself and dress accordingly! I'm even bringing the light fun candy colors appropriate to my true nature to the blog. Hope you enjoy the new look!

On with the show!

This week's tool card is Sense of Humor. This is similar to the Playful Parenting concept. Kids are simply wired to play and have fun, and humor is an awesome tool to build connections with them.

As a T1, playfulness comes naturally to me in my parenting. C and I have lots of fun together!

A few examples:

One night to make the bedtime routine more fun, I pretended to be a robot who didn't know anything about human life and asked lots of silly questions, like "Does not compute, what is a washcloth?" in my best robot voice. I even asked her, "What is a mama?" and her answer (basically, someone tall who runs fast to catch me when I run away) was hilarious and insightful.

Another fun thing we've been doing lately is race against the clock or a timer to see how fast we can tidy up or get dressed.

What ways have you used a sense of humor in your parenting?

A song about therapy

2011-08-29T18:58:00.000-07:00

I love "What Do You Hear In These Sounds" by Dar Williams.

Watch the video:

Here are the lyrics:

What Do You Hear In These Sounds
Words and music by Dar Williams

I don't go to therapy to find out if I'm a freak
I go and I find the one and only answer every week
And it's just me and all the memories to follow
Down any course that fits within a fifty minute hour
And we fathom all the mysteries, explicit and inherent
When I hit a rut, she says to try the other parent
And she's so kind, I think she wants to tell me something,
But she knows that its much better if I get it for myself...

And she says
Oooooooh,aaaaaaah, What do you hear in these sounds?
And... Oooooooh,aaaaaaah
What do you hear in these sounds?????

I say I hear a doubt, with the voice of true believing
And the promises to stay, and the footsteps that are leaving
And she says "Oh", I say "What?"...she says "Exactly",
I say"What, you think I'm angry
Does that mean you think I'm angry?"

She says "Look, you come here every week
With jigsaw pieces of your past
Its all on little soundbytes and voices out of photographs
And that's all yours, that's the guide, that's the map
So tell me, where does the arrow point to?
WHO INVENTED ROSES?"
and.......
{ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/d/dar-williams-lyrics/what-do-you-hear-in-these-sounds-lyrics.html }

Oooooooh,aaaaaaah
What do you hear in these sounds?
And...Oooooooh,aaaaaaah
What do you hear in these sounds?????

And when I talk about therapy, I know what people think
That it only makes you selfish and in love with your shrink
But Oh how I loved everybody else
When I finally got to talk so much about myself............

And I wake up and I ask myself what state I'm in
And I say well I'm lucky, cause I am like East Berlin
I had this wall and what I knew of the free world
Was that I could see their fireworks
And I could hear their radio

And I thought that if we met, I would only start confessing
And they'd know that I was scared
They'd would know that I was guessing
But the wall came down and there they stood before me
With their stumbling and their mumbling
And their calling out just like me...and...

Oooooooh,aaaaaaah, The stories that nobody hears...and...
Oooooooh,aaaaaaah, and I collect these sounds in my ears...and
Oooooooh,aaaaaaah, that's what I hear in these sounds...and...
Oooooooh,aaaaaaah, that's what I hear in these.....
that's what I hear in these sounds!

52 Tool Cards: Small Steps

2011-08-26T15:28:00.000-07:00

Break tasks down to allow children to experience success.

A few weeks ago I was reading a list of developmental tasks a three-year-old should be able to complete before turning four. Several of the items involved proficiency with scissors: cutting in a straight line, cutting in a circle, etc.

And I realized that C has never even picked up a pair of scissors. I went to the store looking for safety scissors and for some reason could only find scissors intended for ages 5 and up. I lamented the situation to a friend and the next day at church she kindly gave C a pair of safety scissors that her kids had outgrown.

This week C and I were talking about what to do next and I remembered the scissors. I asked her if she'd like to cut some paper. We gathered some old junk mail and I handed her the scissors. She tried to hand them back to me.

"You cut," she said. "I can't do it."

"You don't know how to use the scissors. Let me show you."

First, I showed her how I put my two fingers in one of the holes and thumb in the other and opened and closed the scissors.

Then, I guided her two fingers in one of the holes and thumb in the other and helped her position her hand so she could open and close the scissors.

Once she had an effective open and closing motion, I said, "Now, let's put a piece of paper between the two sides of the scissors when it is open, and when it closes again, it will make a cut."

She opened the scissors, I guided the paper in, and told her to close the scissors. It made a cut. I continued holding the paper and moving it in between the blades of the scissors for her while she practiced a few more cuts. Then I encouraged her to position the scissors around the paper herself while I still held it. Finally, when she had the hang of that, I showed her how she could hold the paper in her free hand and make the cut all by herself.

She moved the scissors to a new spot on the edge of the paper each time, and made quite a fringe around the edge before she tired of the activity.

I tried to show her how she could make a line if she moved the scissors up in the same cut, but she didn't seem to get it.

Oh well, she's still a week away from turning three! Plenty of time to gain more confidence and skill using scissors, in small steps.

As Jane Nelsen says:

Children give up the belief that they can't when they achieve small steps.

Discipline of Asking for Help

2011-08-24T17:04:00.000-07:00

I've had quite a year. Actually, the run of stressful life events begins back in February 2010 when DH lost his job. In May 2010, C was run over by a van and survived. In July 2010, my father-in-law collapsed and broke his leg and we found out he had colon cancer (since completely eradicated, praise God). The leg required surgery and the surgical wound became infected with MRSA, which is still lingering a year later. In August 2010, we completed a short sale on our condominium in Southern California and relocated 200 miles north to the San Joaquin Valley. In October 2010, we lost our precious baby. Last month, I found out my dear grandmother has Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS) or Lou Gehrig's disease and may only have a year to live. Meanwhile, DH has been working crazy long hours to try to build an insurance agency from the ground up.

The stress and grief has brought some old patterns of negative thinking back to the surface, and depression and anxiety have been rearing their ugly heads in my life. I've been coping by zoning out online and getting angry and resentful with DH, which along with the long hours, has been hard on the connection of our marriage.

DH and I had a big discussion a few weeks ago that cleared the air between us and we are feeling more in love and connected again.

But I recognize that I need more help to learn to cope with all that life has thrown at me in healthy ways.

Last week I attended a Celebrate Recovery meeting, and plan to go back this week. There I was confronted with something I haven't wanted to acknowledge or think about: I've been angry with God and have been pushing Him away.

Reconciling with DH and opening back up to God as my first source of comfort and strength has made an enormous difference.

But I know it is not enough. There is still work to be done. I want to finish the work I began and get healing for the old hurts and broken places that have been neglected and worked around over the years.

So I'm going to seek one-on-one counseling as well. It's been a discouraging process. The first therapist who called me back set an appointment and then cancelled it when she realized her case load was too heavy. I made more calls and didn't hear back for almost a week. Finally, yesterday, one called me back and I have an appointment for Monday at 3:30. I liked her over the phone, and I'm hopeful that we can work well together.

As always, I'm still a pearl in the oyster, still one of God's works in progress.

52 Tool Cards: Show Faith

2011-08-19T19:50:00.000-07:00

When we show faith in our children they develop courage and faith in themselves.

I've been using this tool quite a bit in my parenting lately.

For example, last week I mentioned that C is a little bit bothered by Pake and Beppe's dog, Rosie. Whenever we go outside, she says, "Carry me. Rosie is going to lick me."

Sometimes I do carry her. After all, she will be small and light enough to carry for only so long.

But other times, whether it's because I have my hands full or am feeling tired of picking up an almost 30 pound 3 year old that day or just want to help her build her courage and confidence, I'm encouraging her to walk.

We've talked through what will happen if Rosie licks her. She will get wet. She won't like it. It will feel yucky. And she will be okay.

We've talked through what she can do to stay away from Rosie. She can walk quickly to the car before Rosie realizes we are outside. She can tell Rosie "No" in a firm voice.

C is learning to dress and undress herself. She has velcro shoes down pat. She is better at putting on and taking off pants, shorts and skirts than she is at putting on and taking off tops and dresses. Sometimes she gets in a mood where she doesn't want to try at all. And increasingly, I'm stepping back and saying I have faith in her. I tell her I know she can do it. I may position the clothes in a way that makes it easier to figure out, and may talk her through it, but don't do it for her. (Of course that is out the window if we're in a hurry!)

C has a little insert for the big toilet that she calls her "booster seat." She likes me to get it down from the hook by the side of the toilet and put it on the seat for her. But this week I decided that it is a job she can do herself. I showed her how to do it, and talked her through how to lift it up off the hook before she pulls it toward herself. Then I left it on the hook for her to get down. She protested, but I said I had faith in her and left the bathroom. And she did it (and knocked the lid off the toilet tank in the process). Since then when she asks me to do it for her, I'm reminding her that she knows how and ask her to show me. And she does it for herself.

52 Tool Cards: Curiosity Questions

2011-08-12T17:44:00.000-07:00

The curiosity question tool card begins:

Asking instead of telling invites children to think and choose.

Examples given include:

"What do you need to do to be ready for school on time?"
"Oops! What do you need to do about the spilled milk?"
"How can you and your brother solve this problem?"

Since pulling this card this morning, I've noticed that this does not come naturally to me. I thought I'd consciously choose a situation to give it a try.

We wanted to go over to visit with Pake and watch the finale of So You Think You Can Dance that he saved on the DVR for us. C had bare feet, and the sidewalk in the Central Valley of California gets hot on an August day. I wanted C to wear shoes so I wouldn't have to carry her between the houses.

"What do we put on our feet to go outside?" I asked her. She stared blankly at me.

I repeated the question and pointed her at the shoes laying in the middle of the floor. She still didn't respond.

"We put shoes on our feet before we go outside." I answered for her, and moved her toward the shoes. She sat down as if to put them on. I turned around to add this very story you are now reading to the blog. When I turned back to her, she not only did not have her shoes on, she had taken her shorts and panties off!

"Why did you take your pants off?" I asked, curiously.

"The tag was poking me," she answered.

I said, "It looks like you need help to get your pants and shoes back on," and began helping her.

We headed out the door. Though she had shoes on, C begged me to pick her up, saying she was afraid that her grandparent's dog, Rosie, would lick her.

I picked her up and carried her. I tried another curiosity question.

"What do you think we can do to help you not be afraid of Rosie?" I asked.

"Stop her from licking me," she said.

"Hmm, let's put our thinking caps on and see if we can think of a way to stop Rosie from licking," I said.

Neither one of us could think of anything. Suggestions welcome!

I wonder if C is a little bit young for curiosity questions, but I think it is a good habit to start. Even if I have to answer my own questions and support it with other tactics for the time being.

A Day in the Life, Part 4

2011-08-11T15:05:00.000-07:00

The "Rest" of our Day

We go to visit Pake and help him get his lunch. C and I read the Sunday comics and play with a baby doll while Pake ate. Then Pake says he is tired and C says she is tired too and wants to go home. We cross the yard to our place. It is nap time.

I planned to help C settle in for her nap. But, IBS attacks and I urgently need to go. I put C in her room, closed the door and say I will be right back. I talk to her from the bathroom across the hall, but she is quite upset and cried hard for me to come back. As soon as I can I do come back and rock her and help her calm down. Finally she climbs on her bed and falls asleep.

*I probably should not have locked C in her room. I was afraid she would get involved in something and we'd miss her naptime window. Keeping her with me in the bathroom could have been another way to handle it.

From 3 to 4:45 she slept and I did my work at home textbook recording job.

When she wakes up C comes wandering out to find me and I hold her on my lap for a while. She always has trouble transitioning from nap to awake.

After about 20 minutes, I get up to started dinner. C fusses because she still wants me to hold her. I empathize with her and do hold her again as I can between tasks. Around 5:30, we have to go help Pake get a bag of IV antibiotics out of the refrigerator and then we come right back home since there is a pot of water heating to boil in the stove. I finish making dinner for both of us and we eat.

Part way through dinner I feel silly and start talking like a robot. I pretend that the robot doesn't know anything about human life and ask C lots of questions, like “what is a mama?” “What is an apple?” “What do you do for bedtime?” It was interesting to hear her answers.

C's definition of a mama:

A mama is really really really tall (reaches as high as she can), and I run (gets up from the table and runs a circle around the kitchen and comes back) and she catch me, and she cleans and I watch."

She tells the robot that at bedtime we brush and floss our teeth, put on pajamas, pants and a diaper and read a story.

She requests I talk like a robot more as we finish eating and clean up after dinner together. I ask her to show the robot where to go to brush teeth and we go together to the bathroom. I ask her to show the robot how to brush teeth and floss teeth, and she does a better and more thorough job by herself than usual. She then says it's time for a story. In my robot voice I remind her she said pajamas and a diaper came before a story.

She asks for a snack first, so we go back to the kitchen and she eats half an apple, a spoonful of peanut butter, and a bite of cantaloupe.

When she finishes the snack, she asks for me to read the books from the library. I realize then that we left them at her grandparents’ house. And, C still doesn't have pajamas or a diaper on. I tell her to hurry up and get them on so we can go together to visit Pake and Beppe. I tell her Beppe would be home from work. She cheerfully cooperates with me to get them on because she is excited to see her Beppe.

I ask her to decide if we will stay 10 minutes or 15 minutes, and showed her I was setting a timer so we would know when to come back home. She chose 15 minutes.*

*This is a new technique I came up with spur of the moment yesterday. Going to Pake and Beppe's house can be an ordeal because it is hard to get C to leave. She loves reading books with Beppe and playing with the special toys they have over there. I'm happy with how well it worked and will use it again in the future.

Beppe wants to read C the books, and we have time for her to read three stories. We say our goodnights and goodbyes just as the timer beeps to say the 15 minutes are up.

Back at our house, we climb in bed and read the stories again until it's too dark to read (around 8).

Then it is time to lay down and go to sleep. But C can't or won't sleep. Whether because of her later nap or because she's waiting for her Daddy to come home or a little of both, she just keeps flopping around the bed and never relaxing into sleep though I rub her back and sing songs and lay still and play dead. Eventually, she starts saying, “I want my Daddy back.”

At 8:55 I hear DH sneeze. C hasn't moved for a while so I think she may be asleep. I shift my arm out from under her head. A few moments later, C says, “What was that noise? Daddy sneezed?”

I tell C I need to check on something and will be right back. I go to find DH and tell him to go say goodnight to C and help her fall asleep. He says he got home around 8 but didn’t want to rile her up by interrupting our routine.

I think in the future, as long as she is awake, it will be better for him to come in. I could almost feel her strain to keep awake so she could see him before falling asleep. She was out within 15 minutes once he came in.

Go back and read Parts 1, 2, and 3

A Day in the Life, Part 3

2011-08-11T08:16:00.000-07:00

The Library
We arrive at the library. As I get C out of the car, I talk to her about the rules for the library, which are, “inside voices,” and “walk not run.” I let her put the book we are returning into the slot and then we go to the children’s section. She goes to look out the window and talk to a little girl while I use the digital card catalog to request a book on inter-library loan.

She says, “Hey, Mom!” in a voice to be heard from across the room. I put my fingers to my lips to remind her to use an inside voice, and she repeated, “hey mom” in a quiet voice. I moved to her side so she could talk to me without feeling like she needed to yell. We go together to look at picture books and found two Eric Carle books she hadn’t seen before. I'm getting hungry and want to go to lunch.

“Do you want these?” I urge her.

“Yes!”

“Ok, let’s go check them out and go to Aero Dogs," I say, gathering our things to go.

“No, I don’t want those,” she quickly says and grabs the books out of my hand.

I know she likes those books. What's going on? It dawns on me that we hadn't been at the library that long and she may not be as ready to go as I am. “Do you really not want them, or is it just that you want to stay longer at the library?” I asked.

“I want to stay longer,” she agrees.

“Ok, we can stay for ten more minutes and then still get these books.”

She starts playing with the wooden puzzles the library leaves out for kids, and I go back to the digital card catalog to look for a book that I could check out today. She takes her puzzle across the room to a high table with a bar stool and starts talking to another older girl, and then she toddles across the room to get a puzzle for the older girl too. When I'm ready to go look for my book, I go to the table.

She isn't ready to come with me. I suggest we put the puzzle together one more time and then go find Mama’s book. She agrees.

I carry her on my hip, Eric Carle books in my other hand. She is very interested in the library’s study rooms. When we reach the Non-Fiction section, she gets down and goes back to the end of the aisle to look in the window of one of the study rooms.

“Come here, mama, I want to show you something,” she says.

I find my book and join her at the end of the aisle. She tells me to look in the window at the study room. I comply, then guide her with a hand on her back toward the checkout, but then she veers away to look at the desks and chairs we pass by. She climbs in the chair and asked me to read her one of the Eric Carle books. We read it twice through, and then I tell her it is time to go. I ask her if she can help me push in the desk chairs.

Instead, she climbs under the desk and comes out the other side. I walk around the other side and ask her to help me push in that chair instead.

We start to head toward the checkout again, my hand on her back to guide her, but this time a copy machine draws her attention. We look at it for a minute or so and then I pick her up and carry her on my hip as I head toward the checkout again.

She starts to fuss and try to wiggle down. I set her down and get down at her level. I tell her that it is time to go. There is a sign that says to take crying children and cell phone calls outside. I tell her about the sign, and say if she couldn’t calm herself down and cooperate with me while we checked out the books, we’ll have to leave the books there.

“But I want to stay longer!” she said.

I say, "It would be fun to stay longer, but that isn’t a choice right now. It is time to leave. You have a choice: You can choose to cooperate with me and then we can leave with our books, or you can choose to fight and then we have to leave without the books."

She calms down walks with me toward the checkout desk. I direct her to a bench across from the desk where she can sit to wait.

Lunch

After we check out, we go to lunch at Aero Dogs. She wants me to hold her hot dog and feed it to her. I do the first two bites and then show her how to hold it herself. She acts as the unofficial welcoming committee as she says hi to all the customers and even asks some of them for their names.

I finish, and C is only halfway through her meal when DH shows up. The owners of Aero Dogs are his insurance customers and he happened to have a meeting with them at this time, unbeknownst to me.

Our family spends some time chatting with the owner outside the restaurant. C delights in going up and down the ramp to the platform in front of the plane’s ordering window.

When it's time to go, I tell C we are going to go check on Pake (pronounced pah-kuh), which is what she calls DH’s dad. She asks her Daddy for a hug and kiss goodbye. He buckles her in and we drive off.

After a few blocks, she starts to fuss. “I wanted to wave goodbye to Daddy! Let’s go back!”

I empathize with her that she forgot to wave goodbye and then asked if she could blow Daddy a wave like she blows kisses. From the back seat I hear her making blowing noises, and she is content the rest of the ride home.

Coming up: The Rest of our Day

Go back and read Part 1 or Part 2

A Day in the Life, Part 2

2011-08-11T07:58:00.000-07:00

10:00 I put away laundry from yesterday in the bedroom while C continues playing in her room and DH sits at the dining table paying bills. C comes in periodically to involve me or ask for help with her pretend play.

10:15 I look for my brown flip flops that I misplaced yesterday and C helps me look. "I know where they are!" she says, and runs for the shoe shelves in my closet. Didn't find them, but while we’re at it I straighten my shoe shelves a little. I tell C a different pair of shoes will work just as well and put them on.

10:20 I go to the kitchen and get a glass of water and take my vitamins and sit at the table with DH. C brings over a puppet and asks me to make it talk to her. It’s a dog puppet so I have it sing all the songs I can think of involving dogs: BINGO, How Much is that Doggy in the Window, Where or Where Has My Little Dog Gone?, A Great Big Dog Lives On My Street.

10:30 I fix a snack of orange and apple slices; DH is still paying bills. While I’m fixing the snack, DH says “Here,” and tosses me a crumpled piece of paper from the bills for me to throw away.

When I have my back turned, C says “Here” and throws my empty cup of water into the kitchen! “Did Daddy set a bad example for you?” I say.

When we start eating our snack, I tell C in 15 minutes it will be time to go potty and find shoes so we are ready to leave for the library.

10:45 spend time on GCM and Facebook instead of getting C ready. C goes back to playing in her room. I hear some loud noises from her room that sound suspiciously like dumping out all her toys.

11:00 Decide to get off the computer to move C through the steps we need to get out the door.

I go into C’s room to find that she has indeed dumped out four bins of toys. I tell her we need to tidy up before we go to the library and sit down to help her. I do some of the work and hand her things to put away to keep her involved.

11:15 We go potty before heading out the door. Instead of just pulling her pants down, C takes them all the way off and requests the skirt instead. I help her put on the skirt.

11:20 DH is about to go too so C and I wait a little so we can all go out together and wave goodbye. DH is getting a Band-Aid for a sore on his elbow and C requests one too. He puts one on an old scab on her foot. DH asks me if I will go to the post office for him while we are out, and I decide to take a stained and torn dress of C’s to the dry cleaners for cleaning and repair.

11:25 We make it out to the car. As I’m buckling her in, C says she is hungry and asks for more apple slices. I go inside to get them while DH finishes buckling her in and then sits in the car to talk to C until I get back.

11:30 C and I depart for our errands. I listen to the radio for a while then C says, “Talk to me mama.” So I turn it off and talk about what we’ll be doing on our errands. I tell her that first we’ll go to the post office, then the dry cleaners and then the library. We go over it several times with many questions why about each step followed with questions why to each answers. Whenever I get tired of answering “why?” I say, “What do you think?” or “What did mama say?”

We drive by the mailboxes outside the post office and drop the bills in the slot. On the way to the dry cleaners, we pass by Aero Dogs, a hotdog stand in an old silver airplane that some friends of ours just took over. I ask C if she’d like to stop there for lunch. "First we’ll go to the library, then Aero Dogs for lunch!” I say.

“No, first the dry cleaners,” she corrects me.

At the dry cleaners, I carry C in and rest her butt on the counter and keep my arms around her while I talk to the clerk. While we’re waiting for the clerk to check with the seamstress if she can handle our requested repair, C pushes her foot against my stomach, trying to get more space.

“I don’t like you kicking me,” I say, “that hurts.” I attempt to give her space and move out of range of her foot while still keeping a hold of her on the counter.

“I’m not kicking. I’m pushing you with my foot,” she replies, and pushes with her foot one more time to demonstrate or get more space.

“When you push with your foot it is called kicking, and it hurts,” I say. I take her off the counter and put her on my hip to change the situation.

I decide I will let her get down. I say, “You may walk around on this side of the counter,” and guide her back away from the entrance to the work area that she was curiously gaping at and walking toward. “That is really interesting, isn’t it?” I say. "Here, I'll hold you up so you can see better." I pick her up again and talk with her for a little while about all the different types of clothes we see.

The clerk comes back and takes my information and tells me the dress will be ready in a week. I ask her if she can give me an estimate of the cost. The clerk says it will be just a moment more while she looks it up.

So I set C down again and she goes over to the two candy vending machines. “What’s this?” she asks.

“Looks like candy,” I say. She hasn't yet learned that money will get the candy out of the machine and doesn't know she can ask for it. She does want to know the names of the types of candy, so I tell her.

Then the clerk tells me the price, which I think is fair, so we head out the door and get back in the car.

The whole drive to the library (all one block :p) C repeatedly asks me why we went to the dry cleaners and why the dress was dirty and needed to be fixed. As soon as I finish answering she starts the series of questions again*.

*I answered the questions straightforwardly but now looking back on it, it was our first trip to the dry cleaners. Maybe she wanted to talk more about what she had seen there and "why" was the only way she knew to express her curiosity about questions like, "What happens at a dry cleaners? How does it work?"

Next up ... Library and Lunch

or go back and read Part 1

A Day in the Life, Part 1

2011-08-10T23:11:00.000-07:00

Ashley of TwentySixCats suggested the idea for this blog post. Thanks Ashley!

The idea is just a no-holds-barred play-by-play of my day attempting to parent gently and non-violently using positive discipline tools. Like most days, on August 10, 2011 there were shining moments where I was the parent I want to be and struggling moments where I fumbled for the best way to respond.

Here we go!

Waking and Breakfast

7:15 C wakes up in bed between DH and me. Says she is hungry. DH and I hold still and hope she goes back to sleep. She does.

7:45 C wakes up again. Says she is hungry and asks for breakfast. She and DH get out of bed. I stay in bed for another 10 minutes. I overhear DH ask C if she wants the yellow bowl or the blue bowl this morning* C takes off her pajamas to go potty and eats breakfast naked.

*C wasn't responding well to being presented with a choice at that point in her morning. I think if I had been there I would have just picked a bowl for her and if she protested, then let her pick a different bowl.

8:00 I put away dishes from the dishwasher while C eats her cereal and DH checks email. When I’m done with the dishwasher, I pour myself a bowl and join C at the table. As I’m finishing up, she asks for a second bowl. When we’re done, DH scrambles some eggs for himself. I clean off the top of the refrigerator and find a mini-kite we had bought for C a few weeks ago. She wants to put it together but the instructions have been lost. She and DH try to figure it out while his eggs cook. When she unravels the string and runs away, DH asks her to bring it back and I come from the kitchen to help her comply. She wants to fly the kite now. It’s not windy today. We promise her we’ll take it to the beach with us on Saturday and put the kite away.

9:00 C and I discuss what we will do today. C wants to go roller skating (even though she’s never been) because she remembers we got passes for a local rink as part of a Groupon deal. I look up their hours online. They are open 1 to 4 today but open at 10 tomorrow, so we decide to go roller skating tomorrow and go to the library today. We look for the library book that needs to be returned. When we find it, C wants me to read it. I say I will read once and then we will go get dressed so we can go to the library.

*Reading this, I wonder if maybe C and I would both benefit from more structure/routine to our days and weeks. But then again, I resist that time and time again and prefer flexibility, spontaneity and go with the flow.

9:15 When I finish reading the story she asks me to read it again. I remind her that it’s time to go get dressed. We go to her room and I pick out panties and a dress for her. When I start to put the dress over her head she pushes it away and protests that she doesn’t want to wear a dress today. I pick out pants and a shirt instead.

*With hindsight, I should have offered her a choice up front. She is getting more particular about what she wears and having a say in it.

A Setback

9:20 I prepare to take a shower and ask DH if he’d rather go first. He tells me to go ahead. While I’m in the shower, C gets a cup from the kitchen, climbs up on the bathroom counter and starts to play with water, getting her pants soaking wet in the process.

*Aaargh! I felt frustrated that DH let this happen while he was right there.

9:25 I get out of the shower and put on a towel. I say calmly that I am frustrated at having to get C dressed twice (both C and DH can hear me), then, still in my towel, take her to her room to get new panties and pants. When I put her down, she runs away to the living room. I go find her and put a pair of panties on her, then tell her that after I get dressed I will be back to help her put on the pants.

*At this point I was starting to feel angry at her for "making a production out of" (a phrase from my family of origin, yikes) getting dressed, and told I'd be back to give myself some time to calm down and approach the situation with a fresh attitude.

9:30 I get dressed and sit down to start writing this day in the life report while DH is in the shower. I still need to put pants on C, and at this point I'm procrastinating. I look up the hours of the library while I’m at the computer. They don’t open until 11.

9:40 I still need to put pants on C. DH is in his towel, playing puppets and dressups with C and going on an imaginary trip to Disneyland. I suggest to C that if she gets dressed quickly she can go outside with me to tend the chickens, but she seems more interested in playing. I let her stay with DH and go outside and tend the chickens.

I Finally Get C Some Pants

9:50 When I get back inside, DH goes to get dressed and C continues playing pretend in her room alone. I tidy up the kitchen and wipe down the outside of the refrigerator, then go find C and tell her it is time to put on some pants. “Do you want to wear this blue skirt or these Dora pants?” I ask.

“Not yet,” she says.

“Now is a good time so you will be ready to go outside and wave to Daddy after he gets dressed.”

“Hold on*,” she says. She is in the middle of playing with a set of makeup brushes.

*She says this in exactly the tone of voice DH and I use on her when we want her to give us a minute to respond to her requests. Hmmm...

“OK, you can finish with the brushes and then it will be time to pick out pants.”

She finishes with the brushes and starts to move to pick out a new toy. I gently touch her arm and guide her back to where I’m sitting with the two choices. “You can choose this blue skirt or the Dora pants,” I say again.

“The pants fall down,” she says.

“That’s right, they were loose last time we wore them. You can use the pants with a belt, or the skirt. Which do you choose?”

“I want a belt,” she says.

“OK, let’s put the pants on first and then I’ll find the belt for you.”

She cooperates with getting the pants on. I find the belt and then ask her to help hold her shirt and the long sparkly bead necklaces and fabric lei she is wearing out of the way while I thread the belt through the loops on her pants. When we finish, I pull the belt tight and ask her if the pants feel like they will stay up now. She says yes.

“We got dressed. Give me five. Thanks for working together!” I say.

Whew! We got through our morning routine. Coming up in Part Two ... getting out the door and running a few errands.

With Hope

2011-08-06T12:38:00.000-07:00

This morning after dreaming of my Grandma, I woke up with the chorus Steven Curtis Chapman song, "With Hope" stuck in my head.

It first came to mind a few weeks ago when I learned she was diagnosed with ALS.

Again it echoed in my brain, so I looked up the song to listen to in its entirety.

The song begins with the sweet little voice of a young girl singing "Jesus Loves Me." Then I remembered Steven Curtis Chapman's daughter died in 2008 after being run over in the driveway by a family member. He recorded the song in 1999, 9 years earlier.

As I listened to the lyrics, tears filled my eyes. Gratitude that my little girl survived her own driveway accident, grief for my second little baby who I will always miss, and the poignancy of the joyful hope of heaven Mr. Chapman and I share.

You can listen to the song here, or read the lyrics below:

This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but ...

CHORUS:
We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and ...
(CHORUS)

We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so ...
(CHORUS)

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope

52 Tool Cards: Eye to Eye

2011-08-05T08:53:00.000-07:00

Ever experienced this common scenario?

You’re on the couch, reading a magazine. Or you’re in the middle of making dinner. Either way, you’re busy and don’t want to stop what you’re doing.

Meanwhile, across the room, your child is doing something you’d rather he not be doing.

You don’t want to stop what you’re doing, so you yell instructions to your child from across the room.

Your child doesn’t respond. He continues with what he was doing.

You feel frustrated. Now you have to stop what you are doing and go help your child to stop the behavior. You might feel angry and disrespected because your child didn’t listen.

Meanwhile, your child was so involved in what he was doing, that he didn’t really register what you yelled from across the room. Yes, he knows you yelled something at him. He may even be feeling disrespected and irritated at being yelled at, activating his instinctive counterwill.

Then again, because children’s brains work differently and more slowly than ours, he may not even have finished processing the content of your message yet, as he must before he can begin to respond.

A third possibility is that, after living in a household where this scenario is repeated many times a day, he knows your action point won’t arrive until you actually come across the room. To him, your yell is a warning shot and he can keep doing what he is doing until you actively intervene.

As you can see and have likely experienced for yourself, yelling from across the room at a child is an exercise in frustration for both of you.

The Eye to Eye tool card reminds us that respectful communication involves approaching a person closely enough to see their eyes before you begin to speak.

With very young children, it is even more helpful to get down onto their level and touch them on the shoulder before speaking.

Parenting involves many sacrifices. It can be difficult to make the choice to stop what we are doing in order to approach our children this way, but it is worth it. We are the ones with maturity and the greater ability to stop ourselves. It is our responsibility to do that so that we can effectively help our children stop themselves from unwanted, unkind or dangerous behavior and teach them what TO do instead.

So say tonight, you’re making dinner and your child is once again across the room, doing something you’d rather he not do.

Take a deep breath. Acknowledge to yourself that you’d rather not have to stop making dinner, and then make the choice to stop. Turn off the fire if necessary.

Go to your child. Get down to his level and touch him on the shoulder before you speak. Make eye contact.

When you do speak, notice how you naturally speak more softly, more respectfully when you can see his eyes.

Then, state the boundary, provide the correction and redirect him to a different activity.

Perhaps the best redirection of all is to involve him in helping you make dinner!

Tell Me A Story

2011-08-04T16:29:00.000-07:00

C is getting to an age where she loves to hear a story. This has come in quite handy recently.

The other afternoon, she was beyond tired and overstimulated and just could not stop herself or quiet her body long enough to let sleep come. I wrapped her in a bear hug. She screamed in protest and fought to escape the hug. Then I started whispering a story in her ear in a soothing sing-song voice. She instantly stopped screaming and struggling. She relaxed into my arms, enjoying the story. I continued telling stories, choosing the familiar fairy tales like Goldilocks and Red Riding Hood for minimum thought on my part since I was also exhausted and on the verge of falling asleep.

On Tuesday night, I needed her to go to the bathroom before we got in the car for a long ride. She didn’t want to. I started telling a story, interestingly enough about a little girl who didn’t want to go to the bathroom and the mean mean mommy who wanted to help her go. She said, “You’re not a mean mommy, you’re nice!” and cooperated with our bathroom trip as I continued weaving a silly tale starring this little girl.

Social stories can be a useful tool for teaching lessons. I’ve used them to prepare C for new situations, like going to the nursery for the first time, or anytime she’ll be staying with a babysitter. I’ve used it just before going on a play date to rehearse how to deal with taking turns and sharing toys. I used it for addressing her propensity to throw things when angry.

Last but not least, reading aloud from a chapter book has been a new addition to our bedtime routine. We all snuggle together on the bed and DH reads from Little House on the Prairie. C listens, wiggling and flopping around at first, then laying in the crook of DH’s arm to look at the pictures as she gets more and more drowsy. Eventually she slips off into dreamland. It’s a wonderful way to end the day.

52 Tool Cards: Back Talk

2011-07-29T07:58:00.000-07:00

The headline of this tool card is:

Don't back talk back

What is back talk? Every parent probably has a slightly different definition. For some very strict parents, it may be anything other than a "Yes, ma'am," delivered with a sincere smile. For others, it's questioning a command, responding with a rude attitude. Rolling eyes, a contemptuous tone of voice, sassiness or bossiness all can trigger a reflex reaction in parents of "How dare you speak to me that way!"

In reading Nurture Shock, I learned that kids learn this type of relational aggression from watching adults interact, and from television programming where characters talk to each other unkindly.

Jane Nelsen notes that speaking rudely back only creates a "power struggle or revenge cycle." We as parents have the power to break the cycle.
When a child speaks rudely, it's important to keep our cool and model an alternative way of handling things.

Some suggestions from Ms. Nelsen:

1) Validate feelings. "Sounds like you are really angry."
2) Take responsibility for your part. "I realize I talked disrespectfully to you by sounding bossy or critical."
3) Let's take some time to calm down until we can be respectful.

I asked for other suggestions from my wise mama friends and here's a summary of their feedback:

Provide an alternative script for how to kindly communicate their disagreement or question and say, "try again."
Ashley Van Otterloo of Simple Gifts suggests to ask them if they meant to sound angry ... kids who are immature in their communication and testing out the power of words need our guidance and feedback.
In the case when the negative language persists, Ashley follows up by saying "You're out of control of your mouth. I'm going to leave now, to help you keep from being hurtful/unkind."

Sunday Surf

2011-07-24T16:36:00.000-07:00

I've seen a few bloggers do a "Sunday Surf" post with links to things they've read and enjoyed during the week. This week I thought I'd try it too.

Birth in Ukraine writes about the Scriptural view of children.

One element of several popular Christian parenting books that I have found distressing is the confusion (or non-deliniation) between the sin nature vs. the ages-n-stages children go through.

Positive Parenting Toddlers and Beyond describes her Road to Non Punitive Parenting. I'm considering where I fall on the spectrum illustration she provides. I think I'm currently between the two middle options.

Dulce De Leche writes humbly about a realization that her parenting had gotten off track from her ideals. I can relate, as I shared in my Control Your Behavior post a few weeks ago.

Carrie of the Parenting Passageway wrote a beautiful description of how to develop patience by replacing impatience with Love.

After a few weeks of working to improve my housekeeping habits, I really needed to read the reminder of the Curse of Perfectionism at No White Chargers. When I'm tempted to despair that there's always more to do, that I'll never have a "perfectly" clean house, I need to remember that "good enough" still blesses my family!

52 Tool Cards: Practice

2011-07-22T12:14:00.000-07:00

This card goes along with another we've already reviewed: Take Time For Training

I use this tool to help C succeed in social situations by practicing through play. For example, we use puppets to practice meeting someone new and starting a conversation and asking them their name.

We also practice taking turns with toys and how to respond when another child tries to grab her toy, and how to redirect herself when she feels like grabbing a toy another child has. How to ask, "May I have a turn?" and how she can respond if the child says yes or the child says no.

The tool card focuses on practicing things like daily routines. That's one I haven't tried yet. But I can see how it would be fun to do with C -- she loves to play pretend with putting her babies to bed and getting them back up, and it wouldn't be that hard to join her and direct the play a bit so it more closely resembles our daily routines.

God's Discipline

2011-07-20T01:00:00.000-07:00

I've heard it said that children form their first impressions of what God is like from their parents. Like most things we teach our kids, it's more about how we live and treat them than about what we say.

For example, I can say with my mouth that God is love and has grace for sinners, but if I also use that mouth to yell at and shame C for every perceived infraction and inconvenience I might feel she causes me, it might hinder her experiential understanding of that love and grace that I gave lip service to.

I want to do my best to faithfully represent God's character to my daughter and any other children I may have in the fuure with both my words and my actions.

So the question then is, what aspects of God's character can I imitate as a parent? What kind of parent is He? How does God respond to disobedience from His children?

Is God full of wrath and vengeance, looking for the slightest excuse to zap us with punishment?

Hundreds of years of history recorded in the Old Testament show us just the opposite. God is slow to anger, abounding in love. God warns and pleads and woos and relents at the least sign of repentance.

Christ's sacrifice on the cross is the ultimate unfolding of divine lovingkindness, mercy and grace.

God has every right to condemn and judge us or even to just leave us wallowing in the pain and agony we inflict upon ourselves, but instead, Christ came to take that judgment and set us free of the consequences of our sin.

God corrects, reproves and issues invitations to "Come let us reason together."

I've experienced this personally. During my my junior and senior year of college, I turned my back on the legalistic harsh taskmaster version of God I'd been exhausing myself striving to follow. God slowly wooed me to a deep understanding of his grace and lovingkindness.

That summer I lived in Youngstown, OH working as an intern at the copy desk of the local paper. God placed a longing in my heart for spiritual things that led me to stop the radio on a Christian station with grace-filled messages, a longing that led me to try to find a church to attend one Sunday. There a wonderful family welcomed me warmly and adopted me as an honorary family member for the summer. At the same time, a dear friend from college kept up a correspondence by mail with me. Her letters shone with gentle gratitude for God's goodness and grace that was contagious.

Yet I didn't immediately repent. I was entangled in a sexual relationship, and I wasn't ready to give it up. In fact, I went further off track, moving in with my partner the summer after college and reading up on zen Buddhism and other new age philosophies.

Fast forward a few months, when the relationship inevitably fell apart. God reached out to me through His people again. Instead of the expected judgment and I told you sos from my parents, they reminded me of the parable of the Prodigal Son, reminded me of the depth of God's grace and encouraged me that to come back to the faith.

By this point, I was once again living far from home, alone in a strange city. This time, I was in Miami, FL for graduate school. Again I felt the almost irresistable urge to find a church, and again I was adopted into the community. Though I still had some bad habits of partying, drunkenness and casual sex, God was patient with me. He led me to a small group Bible study and in the context of those deeper relationships, He started to heal my hurts and teach me more about His love. The more I understood his love, the more my bad habits became distasteful to me and fell away as naturally as a scab falling off when a wound is healed.

During that time, I did feel conviction from the Holy Spirit that was at times uncomfortable (though agonizing guilt and shame and lies of the enemy that I was damned for all eternity with no hope of redemption even if I repented were more often felt). Changing my lifestyle and breaking old habits and healing the wounds, some of which I had inflicted on myself, was painful at times.

In all this, God did not punish me. He even spared me some of the natural consequences of my actions. It was his kindness that ultimately led me to repentance.

That experience and others that followed so profoundly altered and deepened my understanding of grace that it touches every part of my life. It is a grace I must share and extend to others. I want everyone, but in particular my child, to understand and experience the depth and heighth and breadth of God's unfathomable grace.

52 Tool Cards: Pay Attention

2011-07-15T13:24:00.000-07:00

This week's card says:

Are your children getting the impression that they are not important?

1) Put down whatever you are doing and focus on your child as though he or she is more important than anything else you can do.

2) Don't forget to schedule special time

3) Remember what Toni Morrison said, "Do your eyes light up when they walk into the room?"

This is similar to the principle from How to Talk So Kids will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk to "Listen with Full Attention."

This is a much needed reminder for me.

Too often I am half listening and keeping one eye on the computer or television screen or chore I was doing when C comes to interact with me. Instead, I can choose to fully stop what I am doing, make eye contact, get down to her level or take her into my lap to show her how important she is to me.

The Discipline of a Clean and Tidy Home

2011-07-14T15:58:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago my parents came up for a visit, and I scrambled to clean and declutter the house the day before their visit. At one point I called DH in despair that I hadn't left myself time to get it into the shape I wanted it to be in. I wanted the house to be clean and tidy, not to impress my guests so much as to make them as comfortable as possible. Okay, so maybe to impress them a little too.

In this, I reenacted exactly what was modeled for me growing up, when every time we were going to have people over my mom went into a cleaning frenzy and said, "This house is a disaster area!"

DH reassured me that of course there was enough time, there really wasn't as much to do as it seemed and if I just took it a step of a time it would all work out. And, he would help when he got home.

Of course he was right. I did manage to get the house clean and tidy well before my family's arrival. I even managed to make a delicious rib dinner for us to enjoy together on the night of their arrival. The weekend visit went well.

After they left (and after I recovered from the 24-hour stomach flu I caught from C), I surveyed my clean and tidy house and had an epiphany.

I liked my house better this way! My clean and tidy house was beautiful, calm and peaceful.

If my parents or any guests deserved a clean and tidy place to visit for a few days, how much more did I and my family deserve a clean and tidy place to live every day? I didn't have to repeat the patterns of last-minute cleaning handed down to me. I could choose to learn new habits to maintain a clean and tidy home.

I wanted outside support and mentoring to help me really cement the skills, rhythm and routines of keeping home clean and tidy. I'd joined FlyLady in the past, but found it a little bit too rigid and overwhelming for me. Yet, I valued the way she divides the house into zones and creates small tasks or missions for each day.

So, I signed up for FlyLady's overlays on Cozi to get the daily missions.

An online friend told me that she found Habit Hacker helpful, so I signed up for her Nest email reminders. Day One's task is to Polish Your Place -- chose one small place to always keep clean and free of clutter. For my Polished Place, I chose the bar between the kitchen and living room. It's our family's favorite spot to dump mail and other random things we bring in with us from errands and outings. DH also puts his keys, wallet and watch on that bar every day when he comes home. Solution: I put out a beautiful ceramic bowl and told him to corrall his stuff there each day, and found a new place to store mail and other paperwork.

I'm helping C learn good habits too, by letting her join in on the cleaning (toddlers love to imitate and do real work!). I also have started answering some of her requests (say, for help getting out a new toy, or for a snack, or to watch a movie) with, "Yes, after we tidy up together." Then we work together on cleaning up whatever small mess we've made since the last time we tidied up. Today after we had put away some foam letter puzzles, C danced around the room shouting, "I love this wonderful day! I love our beautiful room! I love tidying up!"

Me too!

52 Tool Cards: Kind AND Firm

2011-07-08T13:41:00.000-07:00

I've written about the concept of being Kind AND Firm on this blog before.

As described by Dr. Laura Markham at Aha! Parenting, Positive discipline avoids extremes of marshmallow soft permissive parenting and harsh strict authoritarian parenting by striving to combine kindness and firmness.

To be kind means to validate feelings and show understanding. It can be kind to offer a choice and allow your child freedom in "how" something gets accomplished.

To be firm means to follow through on enforcing the boundary or making the request happen.

Using the word "and" in communicating with children instead of "but" can be helpful.

Here are some examples from the card:

1) I know you don't want to brush your teeth, AND we can do it together.

2) You want to keep playing, AND it is time for bed. Do you want one story or two?

3) I love you, AND the answer is, "No."

The correct balance between kindness and firmness will vary for each child, and even for the same child at different phases of development and circumstances. It is a dance that requires practice and like most of parenting, is best undertaken with a lot of prayer and requests for supernatural wisdom and discernment.

Scared Sleepless

2011-07-08T03:45:00.000-07:00

Today C went swimming for the first time in almost a year. She wore floaties for the first time and greatly enjoyed brief stints of independence kicking and floating within arms' reach of one or both parents.

Then we had dinner poolside. C wanted to go back in the water, but we redirected her away from the edge. After everyone finished their dinner, we were getting ready to go and stood with C a few feet from the edge of the pool. She had her floaties off. She got past us and ran into the pool and straight off the edge of the step. She began to sink.

It was just like they say in all the "Signs of Drowning: Not What You Think" articles and videos that have been shared on Facebook and elsewhere lately. She didn't splash or cry out. She was just sinking.

Thankfully DH reacted quickly and got her out seconds after she fell in. Terrified, she clung to me for reassurance. She kept saying, "I didn't like falling in."

At bedtime she was restless, still clinging to me. She would fall asleep but then awake with a startle response or a moan. Once she repeated, "I didn't like falling in," and then it struck me that she might be having flashbacks and bad dreams about the moment she went under.

C has never really been what most would call a "good sleeper", but waking that frequently was out of character for her. Tonight God blessed me with an extra measure of patience and understanding and I didn't lose my temper even though she disturbed my sleep. It probably helped that I knew exactly what was going on.

But there have been times when she sleeps just as poorly that I haven't been so patient, mostly because I couldn't identify a cause at that time. If I tell myself that because I can't see a cause, she must just be "fighting sleep," I get more and more frustrated that she just won't cooperate and go to sleep already!

On those days, I might assume she is "doing it on purpose," because the times she has fallen asleep easily shows that "she knows better." That line of thinking leads me to respond with anger, impatience or even punishment.

But eventually an underlying cause always comes out. She gets sick the next day, or I notice swollen gums indicative of teething, etc.

I was reminded in some reading at Gentle Christian Mothers today to treat misbehavior (especially misbehavior that is a bit "out of character") as a symptom that prompts me to investigate potential underlying cause and then remedy it. The acronymn HALT is a good place to start:

Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired

For C, I've found that "Needs to Go Potty" and "Scared" are two others I could add to that list.

So, back to tonight. When I realized how scared she still was, I asked her if she had been having bad dreams. She said yes, and repeated that she didn't like falling in the pool. I got her up and took her potty (just in case that was contributing to the restlessness), and then when we got back in bed, I prayed with her, thanking Jesus for sending Daddy to her rescue and keeping her safe at the pool and asking him to protect her mind from any more bad dreams.

She snuggled up to me and I felt her relax and begin to breathe deeply in a way she hadn't since the incident at the pool. She quickly fell into a deep sleep.

Me, not so much. I'm writing this post at 3 in the morning because I was having trouble sleeping too (some digestive problems, and also I was wound up with adrenaline from the close call and caffeine from all the ice tea I drank poolside).

I'm bound to be tired tomorrow. I can use HALT on myself if I start getting impatient or cranky, and use some self-talk to coach myself through the rough parts of the day and make sure I grab a nap with C to stave off the late afternoon grumpy grouchies.

52 Tool Cards: Control Your Behavior

2011-07-02T16:55:00.000-07:00

Jane Nelsen writes on this tool card:

Example is the best teacher.

Do you expect your children to control their behavior when you don't control your behavior?

This card hit home this week.

Between grieving the due date that just past and dealing with my period and a touch of the stomach flu, I started the week with a short fuse. My self-control for limiting my consumption of media and keeping up with household chores was at an all-time low and the internet sucked up far too much attention that C needed and wanted.

When she whined and acted up to get my attention, I snapped at her. Truth be told, I snapped at her about almost everything on Monday and Tuesday. Even when I wasn't yelling, I had a nasty impatient tone to my voice whenever I spoke to her. C dished it right back to me, and I started to feel like I didn't like being around her much, which just perpetuated the cycle.

The Holy Spirit began gently nudging me. Would I like it if someone spoke that way to me? How could I get my anger under control? I felt convicted but didn't change much.

On Wednesday, the Holy Spirit used the Carnival of Gentle Discipline to nudge me a little harder. Specifically, a post from Positive Parenting: Toddlers and Beyond, Mirror Mirror in My Bed. I saw myself in that post, and it was humbling.

Then later that morning I randomly selected a tool card to see what I would be blogging about this week ... and Control Your Behavior came up.

Okay, Holy Spirit, I got the message. I repented of my attitude and behavior right then.

The card continues:

Create your own special time-out area and let your children know when you need to use it. If you can't leave the scene, count to 10 or take deep breaths. When you make mistakes, apologize to your children.

I apologized to C the next time I caught myself using that nasty impatient tone. (It was easy to tell, because she was using it right back at me!)

I apologized to her for yelling and using a mean voice. "I don't like speaking like that to each other. Let's start over with kind, pleasant voices and words."

There is so much I know about parenting from reading, but putting it into practice is a different story. For example, I know that children are wired to learn by imitating models.

As Becky Bailey writes in Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline,

Yet we often demand that children acquire skills that we ourselves lack ... Parents yell, "Go to your room until you are in control of yourself." A mother grabs a toy that two preschoolers are tussling over and says "You know better than to grab toys from your friends. It's mine now!"

It's so easy to default to not controlling myself, to yell, to grab, to react blindly instead of thoughtfully and creatively responding to the situation at hand. On a related note, check out this humorous post from Demand EUPHORIA.

To succeed at gentle discipline demands personal growth on my part. My friend Dulce de Leche , in another post from this week's Carnival of Gentle Discipline put it so well:

At first when we decided to commit to gentle discipline, I only thought in terms of my children and their behavior. I had no idea how deeply it would change me. I have been forced to deal with a lot of things that I would have preferred to cover up. Things like pride. Anger. Unhealthy boundaries. Self-centeredness. I have had to do some major weeding in my own heart. And that is a very good thing. If spanking had been part of my parenting tool box, it would have been so easy for me to justify revenge on my children for not catering to my pride, for exposing my anger or impatience or even for not being convenient at times.

Being gentle can be very hard work! But I know from posts like Dulce's that the work is well worth it. I've already seen some fruit from our efforts, and can't wait to what more is in store!

52 Tool Cards: Limited Choices

2011-06-24T08:33:00.000-07:00

This week's tool card is another one that gets a lot of use in our family. Giving my words meaning with C means that I have to be willing to make it happen. Limited choices is one way of making it happen that still gives her some control and gives her a chance to cooperate freely.

Say it is time to leave the park, and she doesn't want to go. Not leaving isn't a choice. So I say, "We had fun at the park. It is hard to leave. Do you want to walk to the car or fly?" Or I might say, "Do you want to help me carry the ball or mommy's purse to the car?"

Say it is time to brush teeth, and she isn't interested. I say, "It's time to brush your teeth. Do you want to use your Dora toothbrush or your Winnie the Pooh toothbrush?" Or I might say, "Do you want your turn first or should I take my turn first?"

Of course, she may not take the bait. She may still say she does not want to leave or does not want to brush her teeth.

In that case I say, "Staying is not a choice," or "Not brushing teeth is not one of your choices," and then I repeat what the choices are.

Jane Nelsen recommends adding "You decide," and giving the child a little space to make up their mind.

Sometimes C offers her own choice. At the park she may say, "I want to catch you," which means that I pretend to be running away from her toward the car complete with mock expressions of horror about how fast she is and how I hope I can get away. Halfway there she might run ahead and say, "Now catch me!"

I love that we are on the same team and she is free and empowered to come up with creative solutions to living within our family's boundaries.

Abiding in Christ

2011-06-19T17:27:00.000-07:00

Today my heart needed some encouragement. I've been dealing with some depression and anxiety and in part it has taken a form of obsessing over end times theories and various versions of Christian theology. Mixed with grief over my miscarriage and continued infertility and frustration with the limitations of my diet (gluten and dairy intolerant), I'm primed for a pity party, vulnerable to attack.

This morning I heard a sermon that used the life of one of the kings of Judah to illustrate how a good start doesn't rule out a bad end. That a good start could just be riding on the coattails of another's faith. The speaker said that there are those who preach "once saved always saved" and those who preach that salvation is something that can be lost. He said that both groups have in common the way to know if you are saved are not is whether or not you are abiding in Christ, as evidenced by the fruit of your life. What fruit? The fruit of living rightly and obeying God's commands. What commands?

Jesus gave many commands during his ministry, as recorded in the four gospels (here's one attempt at a list), and the apostles amplified that in the Epistles.

It's rather overwhelming, but things get simpler again when I remember Christ said that the Law and Prophets hang on two commands: to Love God with all our heart soul mind and strength and to love our neighbor as our self.

But what does that look like? How do we love God? Again and again in the New Testament, love of God is equated with keeping commandments. Here are just a few verses:

John 14:15 If you love Me, you will keep My commandments.

John 14:21 He who has My commandments and keeps them is the one who loves Me; and he who loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I will love him and will disclose Myself to him.

John 15:10 If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love; just as I have kept My Father’s commandments and abide in His love.

1 John 5:3 For this is the love of God, that we keep His commandments; and His commandments are not burdensome.

2 John 1:6 And this is love, that we walk according to His commandments. This is the commandment, just as you have heard from the beginning, that you should walk in it.

His commandments are not burdensome, it says. But reading each command in this list, I saw only how short I fall of truly keeping them.

My walk with Christ is hindered by distractions, worries, love of the world and its pleasures and entertainments. I say I have no time for Bible study or prayer but spend HOURS and HOURS wasting time online or watching TV. Rather than loving others, I navel gaze and often can't see beyond my own nose. I hold grudges, I seek revenge (albeit in petty passive aggressive ways), I am angry, jealous, and selfish. Rather than making disciples, I shrink from sharing my faith.

The more I read, the more burdened I felt. Not only do I not keep these commands, but I saw that it was impossible to do any better than I have been doing. That was just the New Testament commands. There are those who say I should be attempting to keep the Old Testament feasts and dietary laws as well, and there I'm really sunk.

No matter what standard is used, the bottom line is that I am not perfect as my Heavenly Father is perfect.

No one is, you may rush to say. Don't be so hard on yourself, Pio. Don't forget about grace.

Yes, there is grace. But I wonder if it is cheap grace to dismiss these failings as something everyone does? So it's OK, and I don't need to change because there's grace?

Then I began to wonder, when I become a fruit inspector and scramble to think of ways I could possibly measure up to the standard, am I abiding in Christ or relying on my works for salvation?

In the midst of the list of commands, this jumped out at me:

Matthew 9:13 But go ye and learn what that meaneth, I will have mercy, and not sacrifice: for I am not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.

I'm not righteous, we've established that. Repentance means to agree with God about my law breaking and mistakes and admit I can't save myself and turn to Christ as my only hope not only of heaven but of having the fruit of obedience and right living in my life.

But I still felt uneasy and burdened until I read 1 John 3:18-24:

¹⁸ Little children, let us not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth. ¹⁹ We will know by this that we are of the truth, and will assure our heart before Him ²⁰ in whatever our heart condemns us; for God is greater than our heart and knows all things. ²¹ Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence before God; ²² and whatever we ask we receive from Him, because we keep His commandments and do the things that are pleasing in His sight.

²³ This is His commandment, that we believe in the name of His Son Jesus Christ, and love one another, just as He commanded us. ²⁴ The one who keeps His commandments abides in Him, and He in him. We know by this that He abides in us, by the Spirit whom He has given us.

That was New American Standard, but I also read it over again in each of the translations available on Bible Gateway. The Message translation of verses 18-20 particularly comforted me (emphasis mine):

^18-20My dear children, let's not just talk about love; let's practice real love. This is the only way we'll know we're living truly, living in God's reality. It's also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves.

The truth is, my heart does condemn me. I know I am broken and my only hope is in continually throwing myself at God's mercy. But what a blessed hope that is! It is only then that the Spirit works IN me to produce the fruit. The branch on the vine doesn't strain really hard to pop out a puny cluster of fruit. The sap flows through and naturally grows out into fruit.

I do see the Spirit at work in me, which is all the assurance I need that I do abide in Christ and He in me.

He's still working because I'm not finished yet. I'm still that work in progress, that pearl in an oyster.

52 Tool Cards: Positive Time-Out

2011-06-17T14:16:00.000-07:00

This week's tool card is Positive Time-Out.

Jane Nelsen explains (emphasis in original):

People do better when they feel better. Positive time-out helps us cool off and feel better.
1) Create a time-out space with your children. Let them decide what it would look like and what is in it.
2) Let them give it a special name.
3) When they are upset ask, "Would it help to go to your _____ place?"
4) Model using positive time-out by going to your own special place when you are upset.

In our house, we have set up a Comfort Corner for this purpose, and C has sometimes also used her room.

C takes a break with her friends in her Comfort Corner

Also, given her age, I still consider myself her mobile comfort corner. Many times when she's acting up, just a short period of "mommy time" will set things aright again. Before she weaned, nursing may have been involved. Now, we snuggle and sometimes play silly games.

Here's a glimpse of how Positive Time-Out worked in our family a few months ago, from my Rubber Meets the Road post:

Later tonight while I was making dinner, she was angry that her time for water play at the sink was over, and she started throwing things again. I took her to her room and suggested that she could stay there and calm down and talk to her puppets again for ideas about what else to do when she is angry, and she was free to come out whenever she felt ready. I overheard murmurs of her talking to them, didn't catch what she said. Not too much later she came out and found a cup of herbal tea I hadn't quite finished and started to drink that, then played quietly with some other toys while I finished dinner.

Wait a minute, was sending her to her room a punishment? Is this all just semantics? Not in my opinion. Putting her in her room differed from a traditional time out in several ways. No arbitrary time limit, for one. The words I used to describe it were matter of fact and not shaming in any way. Instead of "making her think about what she had done," the stated purpose was just to give her (and me, let's be honest) a break and space to calm herself. C was free to come out whenever she felt better.

I feel confident about the use of Positive Time-Out, although my version differs a bit from how it is described on the card. One thing I'd like to work on for myself is step 4, the modeling part.

The Discipline of Grief

2011-06-15T12:17:00.000-07:00

If I hadn't lost my baby in October, perhaps I would be giving birth soon. My due date was June 25.

We've been trying to conceive again since then but to no avail.

After a few weeks and months, the intense grief of the initial loss subsided into a background hum, sometimes easy to ignore.

The discipline of grief is balancing the need to go on with the life with the need to acknowledge the loss.

This week, the background hum has become distracting, a rising tide of sound demanding attention.

I should be having a baby soon.

Instead, we're still watching and wondering when we will be blessed again.

And yet I know that when (or if?) we are, that won't change how much I miss Audrey Hope and wish I could hold her.

52 Tool Cards: Family Meetings

2011-06-11T08:33:00.000-07:00

My apologies for being a day late with this post. I completely forgot about this yesterday.

I went to draw a card randomly from the box and came up with "Family Meetings." Sounds like a great idea but not sure how well it would work with a not-quite-three-year-old.

But maybe it would be a good habit to form now. It couldn't hurt for DH and I to have a regular time to discuss family stuff.

Jane Nelsen suggests the following agenda for the weekly family meeting:

1) Compliments and appreciations
2) Evaluation of past solutions
3) Agenda items--person can choose
a) Share feelings
b) Invite a discussion
c) Brainstorm for solutions
4) Calendar: events, meal planning
5) Fun activity and dessert

Here's how it might look in my family:

Compliments and Appreciations
Since our big discussion a few weeks ago, I can see that DH has really been making an effort to balance kindness and firmness in his parenting. He's also been giving his all to building his insurance business, persevering through some challenging circumstances.

C gets more independent every day. She shows a lot of initiative in doing things herself. She can get into the refrigerator and is generally good about putting things back in when she gets them out. She played well with friends last week, saying "Excuse me," and asking them to move if they were in her way instead of pushing. I love her imagination and hearing her sing and talk with her toys.

Evaluation of Past Solutions
Our routine chart has helped our mornings go more smoothly. Switching C's bath time to the morning has improved the bedtime routine as well. We discussed getting a bigger bed for C or for us, but that solution hasn't been implemented yet.

Agenda Items
I would want to discuss our evening routine. Lately it's been dinner, brush teeth/quick wipe down with a washcloth, wind down together in the master bedroom until C asks to go to her bed, then lay down with her or rub her back on her bed until she falls asleep. I like that rhythm, but I still think C should be getting to bed earlier. The only way I see that happening is eating dinner earlier. I don't want to eat dinner without DH on a regular basis, but he gets home at 8 on a regular basis. We need to brainstorm some solutions.

Calendar
Upcoming events include a family picture and Father's Day next weekend, and C's dance recital (and my parents' corresponding visit) the weekend after that. I'm hoping to get some play dates on the calendar with family and friends.

Fun Activity and Dessert
C likes to play tea party and pretend to make strawberry shortcake. She also likes catch, and having us hide an object for her to seek. She likes playing a version of Simon Says where she does things and we copy her.

Sounds like it would be a fun and productive meeting!

Morning Routine Chart!

2011-06-09T19:43:00.000-07:00

A quick update on the Routine tool card. As I shared, a few weeks ago, I came up with a preliminary routine . We tried it out for a few weeks, and what I discovered is that while it was helpful to see the major tasks that had to be done, we rarely followed the exact order as written.

Today I made a finalized plan.

The beauty of this version is that it takes the major elements from the preliminary plan but isn't as rigid. The pictorial nature should be easy for C to understand, and the fact that it isn't a list gives us flexibility to follow whatever order makes sense for a given day.

I still need to work on the evening routine chart, and will share that too when it is completed.

Asking "Is this Punitive?" is missing the point

2011-06-09T01:31:00.001-07:00

Need to read and re-read this post on Gentle Christian Mothers.

End of an Era

2011-06-08T15:42:00.000-07:00

I weaned my little C this week, after 2.75 years.

When I got pregnant, I knew I wanted to breastfeed. Information I learned in breastfeeding classes through Kaiser Permanente strengthened my commitment to give C breast milk exclusively during the first 6 months of her life, and continue to nurse at least for one year as recommended by the American Academy of Pediatrics.

When I made those milestones, I realized that one year was an arbitrary number. C still needed to nurse and it was a pleasant and beneficial part of our relationship. I set my sights on the two years of nursing as recommended by the World Health Organization.

During that second year of breastfeeding, the relationship changed a little. It was a little less pleasant at times, a little less enjoyable. Whenever I had a discomfort, I would set a new limit and harmony would be restored to our relationship. And I kept in mind that two year goal.

Well, two years turned out to be a rather arbitrary number as well. C didn't suddenly lose interest in nursing just because she had celebrated a birthday. I briefly cut her way back in anticipation of complete weaning, but her intense clinginess and other signs of anxiety let me know that she just wasn't ready for that.

I read Mothering Your Nursing Toddler and drew encouragement to keep going. I enjoyed reading the sweet stories of children who self-weaned when they were ready, and thought I'd like to know what C's story would be.

So, I gave her greater access to nursing again for a few months. Then I again got frustrated with our relationship, and wondered if it were affecting my fertility negatively (we have been trying to conceive our second child for a year now). So, I cut her back to three times a day (wake up, nap time and bedtime). This time she readily accepted the limit without repercussions.

Over the past few weeks, though, I realized that even that had become too much for me. I felt ready to have my body back to myself. For a variety of reasons, nursing was increasingly uncomfortable for me. I thought about how in nature, mother animals push away their young who are ready to be weaned. Maybe my body was telling me something worth listening to.  At the same time, I noticed that C was showing more signs of readiness for weaning. Sometimes I would offer and she would refuse because something more interesting was going on, and sometimes on very rare occasions she would just forget about it all together.

Somehow when I thought about mother-led weaning, I assumed to be done right, it had to be gradual, or at least have a lot of preparation and talk before hand.

And yet, when I came to the realization that I was ready to wean while nursing C at bedtime the other night, I just wanted it to be done. I told her right then that we were going to say goodbye to nursing. I explained that we wouldn't nurse in the morning, or at nap time or at bedtime, but that she could ask me for cuddles and snuggles whenever she needed them.

The next morning I reminded her no nursing and she protested and tried to pull up my shirt a few times. I held firm and offered to snuggle and hold her hand. She settled for that and went back to sleep.

Later that morning after breakfast, we were talking about babies. She said, "I not baby anymore." (not words I've used with her at all)

I said, "Yes, you're growing up in lots of ways. You don't use diapers anymore and you don't nurse anymore."

She said, "Yeah, I'm getting bigger!" and went off happily to play.

Could it be that easy?

Not exactly.

She has continued to ask to nurse periodically, and has had varied responses to my refusal.

Mid-morning that first day, she just climbed in my lap and started lifting my shirt. I said, "Remember, we don't nurse anymore."

She said without missing a beat, "Can I have a snack instead?"

At lunch time that first day, she tried lifting my shirt again and this time when I said no she wasn't so easy going about it. She actually pounded my chest to show her frustration.

I put her down and said, "I can't let you hit me, but it is OK to be sad and mad about no more nursing because you really liked it." She came back to my lap for snuggles. I wondered how nap time would go, but we just lay down together and not nursing wasn't even an issue.

Bedtime would be the real test, I thought.  She did ask and I said no. She threw herself on the floor in tears, and I thought that perhaps we'd both benefit from a bit more formal end, so I told her she could hug and kiss my boobs and say goodbye. She laid her head across both sides of my chest and gave the sweetest little pecks through my shirt.

Instead of trying to get her to sleep in her own bed in her own room, though, I just had her start out with us that night. I kind of figured she would need the extra reassurance, and it was already 10 by the time we were getting her down.

The second day, she asked every few hours or so. She cried in my arms about it once when I said no, but not hard or long. I kept reminding her that we can snuggle and play together instead of nursing whenever she wants to be close to me. I told her now she can ask for "lovie bug time" or "mommy time" instead of nursing, and by the end of the day she had caught on to that. Bedtime the second night, we let her start off in our bed again, but transferred her to her own room after she fell asleep.

Yesterday was the third day. She continued to ask to nurse, but quickly rephrased her question to request mommy time instead each time. Bedtime, we were going to start off in our room, but she said she'd rather be in her own bed.

My emotions throughout this have been mixed. At first, when she was seemingly taking it so well, I was relieved and yet felt like saying, "Wait! Come back!" at the same time. It was definitely bittersweet. When we did our more formal goodbye to nursing I felt more closure about it. She's doing well with it, but not completely forgotten about it either.

I have no regrets about nursing her as long as I did. I love breastfeeding, and hope to nurse my next child whenever he or she comes along as well.

Weaning her this way has been a great opportunity to practice limits with empathy, to exercize my ability to be both kind and firm. I feel good about how I handled it in a way that respects both of us. I'd like to believe that this is a good example of gentle discipline and positive parenting in action. :)

52 Tool Cards: Avoid Pampering

2011-06-03T13:20:00.000-07:00

This week's tool card is Avoid Pampering.

Here's my favorite quote from the card:

One of the greatest gifts you can give your children is to allow them to develop the belief, "I am capable."

So, the trick is, what is pampering and what is legitimate help? It comes down to knowing my child. When I decide whether help would be pampering, I have to keep in mind what are C's capabilities, both overall and under specific conditions. What things can she do by herself all the time, and what things does she need a little scaffolding (ala Vygotsky's theory of the Zone of Proximal Development) to accomplish?

Just now, C is providing me the perfect real life example.

She brought me a baby doll and asked me to help her take off its pajamas. I know that she has taken off the pajamas by herself before without a problem. But I also know that today she has a little bit of a cold and a lower tolerance for frustration.

So I encouraged her.

"You want to undress your baby. You're frustrated because it's not coming off easily this time. Keep trying. I know you can do it."

"Help me! Help me! I can't do it." she whined and started to cry.

I reminded her that I can't understand a whiny voice and to use her strong voice.

"Mama, will you please help me?" she said very pleasantly.

"How about I hold the baby steady so you can use two hands to get off the pajamas?"

She makes a half-hearted attempt at tugging on the pajamas. "I can't do it! Help me!"

"Here, use this hand to pull the baby's arm up and this hand to pull the sleeve down, like this. See? You did it. I bet you can figure out how to get the other sleeve off."

She fiddled with it for a minute and brought it back to me with another whiny, "I can't do it! Help me!"

Another reminder to use a strong voice.

"Mama, can you please hold the baby again for me?"

I held it. She tried again, but got mixed up and pushed the sleeve up and pulled the arm down. I showed her again, without actually doing it, how to pull the sleeve down and the arm up and out. She tried again and got the second sleeve off this time.

"You did it! I bet you can figure out how to get the legs off yourself."

She ran off happily to play, and I got to enjoy listening to her sweet voice talking to her doll in imaginiative play while I finished writing this post.

Fine Line Between Making it Happen and Impatience

2011-06-02T17:04:00.000-07:00

I believe a big part of discipline in these early years is "getting off your butt" and "making it happen." These two tools together teach C that my words have meaning.
But lately I've been wondering if I'm giving C enough time to process my instruction before swooping in to make it happen.

For example, occassionally she takes off her shirt and drops it on the floor. I want her to learn to put things in their proper place when she is done with them, and I want my house to be clean. Bottom line: I want her to pick up the shirt.

I have a lot of options of how to accomplish that. I can move to her and say, "Shirts go in the hamper. Pick it up."

I could use a curiosity question and ask, "Where does your shirt belong?"

I can use playful parenting and say, "Oh no! Your shirt is lonely on the floor away from all its friends in the hamper! Let's help it find the right place!"

Each of those techniques work sometimes. By "work," I mean that she quickly and cheerfully puts the shirt in the hamper. Maybe I need to refine that definition a little?

But more often, she doesn't react at all. She stands there, not moving to pick up the shirt right away. Other times she may respond by asking "Why?" or saying "I want the shirt to be lonely."

On days when I'm in a hurry or feeling irritable for any number of reasons, I then skip to "The shirt needs to be picked up. You can choose to pick up the shirt yourself or I will help you do it."

Helping her do it sometimes involves holding her upside down and calling her my "baby vacuum." She laughs and picks up the shirt. I take her to the hamper and we giggle together as she drops it in.

Helping her do it can mean I pick up the item and put it in her hand and guide her toward the hamper.

Helping her do it can mean that I help her pick it up, hand over hand and carry her to the hamper and then open her hand so she drops it in.

Other times, I'm in such a hurry or feeling so impatient that I don't even give her a chance to participate. Two seconds after I ask, if she hasn't started to move, I pick up the shirt and throw it in the hamper myself.

"Wait! Wait!" she'll protest. "That was my job!"

If time allows and I'm feeling patient, I might put the shirt down and give her another chance to pick it up. Other times I will say, "You wanted a chance to pick up the shirt. You can try again next time." On really bad days, I might ignore her altogether, which means her protests will escalate into a tantrum.

So much of my response depends on how I'm talking to myself about my parenting and her behavior. Do I interpret her delay in responding to me as a refusal to obey? Or could it be that she is just taking longer than I expect to process what I said?

When she changes her mind, do I view her as "contrary" or as exploring the meaning of opposites?

All that to say, when it comes down to it, I don't believe that happy is the only acceptable emotion and know that of course there will be times when making it happen elicits some big feelings from C no matter how patient and understanding I am. But a still small voice is telling me that at least some of the time, the big feelings happen because I, out of impatience and selfishness, am exasperating her by not giving her enough time to respond.

Thoughts and critiques welcome.

Vote me on Circle of Moms Top 25 Faith Blogs!

2011-05-31T16:27:00.000-07:00

I'd be honored if you'd add your vote for my blog. You can vote once every 24 hours through June 8!

http://www.circleofmoms.com/blogger/pearl-oyster

52 Tool Cards: Compliments

2011-05-27T14:03:00.000-07:00

This weeks tool card is a warm and fuzzy one: compliments.

Compliments and appreciations bring us closer together.

The key to an effective compliment or praise is that it be specific and focused on actions.

1. Instead of a general "Good job getting ready for school!" try

"I appreciate you quickly you got dressed and ready for school."

2. Instead of "You're a good friend," try

"I noticed how kindly you cared for Anna when she felt sad, I bet it helped her feel better."

Becky Bailey has a lot to say about noticing rather than praising in her book Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline.

Telling a child you noticed something they did can be more powerful than saying you liked it or appreciated it, especially when you follow it up with a virtue tag, as in the following examples:

I noticed you how you kept trying even though you were frustrated. That showed persistence.
I noticed that you picked all your toys without me asking. That showed responsibility.
I noticed you shared your toy with sister. That was very generous.

Noticing this way reinforces the virtue behind the action, whereas saying you like something they did can inadvertently reinforce people-pleasing.

Words have power. What we say and how we say it matters.

Verses to consider this week:
Ephesians 4:29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

Ecclesiastes 10:12 Words from a wise man's mouth are gracious, but a fool is consumed by his own lips.

Colossians 4:6 Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.

1 Thessalonians 5:11 Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

Grace and Discipline in Marriage

2011-05-26T20:02:00.000-07:00

The other day I came across this article about the six patterns of arguing which signal a couple's marriage may end in divorce identified by Dr. John Gottman.

DH and I had a pretty intense argument this weekend about our parenting choices. I didn't come across this article until after the argument was mostly resolved, and it's interesting to look at it as a score sheet to see how we did and what room there is for improvement.

1. Harsh Startup
The inciting incident was fairly dramatic, but we both retreated to our corners quickly before too many hurtful words were said, and we didn't attempt to resolve things until later that night when we had both calmed down.

2. Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling
We each had complaints, but refrained from making personal attacks. Probably the worst thing that happened is DH's tendency to get sarcastic and exaggerate to make his points. I gave in and snarked back a few times before we calmed down again.

The argument resolved, or at least got us back to the point where we feel like we are on the same team, so we didn't really deal wih before we dealt with the other stages:

3. Flooding -- Where one partner's negativity overwhelms the other person, making them less able to engage in a meangingful discussion.
4. Body Language -- physical stress responses that go along with flooding, above
5. Failed Repair Attempts -- Earlier in the day, I apologized to DH for my part of the morning's drama. He said obviously we needed to talk, but he wasn't ready at that moment.
6. Bad Memories -- This is where the current negativity retroactively dirties all memories of the couple's history together. I've experienced this with other relationships, but thankfully not with DH!

Part of our argument was about our parenting choices. There are some areas where I have done more research and practice than DH has. While he thinks gentle discipline is noble, he's not completely made the paradigm shift I have. He follows my lead for the most part in disciplining C, but there are times when he gets frustrated because he hasn't learned or practiced enough tools. He said he probably needs to do more reading and learn more.

So, my first response to that was to want to flood him with materials. Read this! Watch this! Discuss this with me! We both got frustrated and he got a little defensive.

Grace-based living and healthy boundaries mean that I will choose to give DH space to learn at his own pace. I can point him toward the materials but I'm not his teacher.

Thoughts on Authority and Servant Leadership

2011-05-24T07:56:00.000-07:00

Dr. James Dobson and Gary Ezzo are two current proponents of authoritarian parenting, a way of thinking which implies that parents must maintain their authority and use punishment to discipline away any perceived challenges to that authority by their children. (For a specific commentary on problems with Dobson, see Dare to Disciple; for problems with Ezzo, see ezzo.info).

I've been wondering lately what would become of us if God held that view of authority for Himself. After all, He is the ultimate authority, and we are all His children. We challenge His authority every day in myriad small and big ways, "in thought, word and deed, by what we have done and by what we have left undone" to quote the Lutheran liturgy I grew up saying on Sundays.

The answer is clear: as the liturgy goes on to say, "we justly deserve your [that is, God's] present and eternal punishment."

And yet, as the hymn in Philippians 2 beautifully states,

⁵ In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:
⁶ Who, being in very nature God,
   did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
⁷ rather, he made himself nothing
   by taking the very nature of a servant,
   being made in human likeness.
⁸ And being found in appearance as a man,
   he humbled himself
   by becoming obedient to death—
      even death on a cross! (Philippians 2:5-8, New International Version)

God did not consider his authority something to be grasped, but humbly came to earth to save us and show us a better way to live. Could it be that God's will for my use of parental authority then may be different than the vision put forth by authoritarian parenting experts?

Yes, in fact, Jesus instructed his followers to use servant leadership in Matthew 20:

Servant Leadership Parenting?

²⁵ Jesus called them together and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. ²⁶ Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, ²⁷ and whoever wants to be first must be your slave— ²⁸ just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” (Matthew 20:25-28, New International Version)

Positive Parenting requires a servant attitude. It can seem like more work to get off my butt and make it happen by setting my child up for success and helping her comply when necessary. By contrast, punitive parenting experts offer visions of quick compliance to commands the parent issues from across the room (whether it works out that way in reality is another matter).

Crystal Lutton, in her article "Manager or Leader?" explains:

When first learning about Grace-Based Discipline (GBD) many people ask this question, “Does it work?” My answer has become, “What do you want it to do?”
Parents who are stuck in the management style of running their home will find themselves frustrated with implementing GBD. It is easier to smack your child than to stop what you’re doing and help them work through a conflict. It is easier to send your child to their room to “think about it” than it is to implement active listening and reflect feelings. It is easier to yell at your child than to go to them and make something happen. If you want to remain a manager in your home you will likely prefer the punitive methods because they are easier and create a false sense of having well-managed your home. After all, you did something about it.

Of course punishing children is unpleasant work, and is usually not a "once and done" situation where a child will never repeat the behavior they were punished for ever again. No matter the teaching or training technique, children need repetition. So, because teaching takes repetition and punishing children is unpleasant, it often happens that parents who lack positive discipline tools swing to the permissive (a word I'm using here to mean saying something but then not enforcing it) side of parenting until they get so fed up that they become angry and perhaps harsher in punishment than they may have been otherwise.

Regardless of whether you want to keep punishment in your toolbox or not, every parent can benefit from learning positive parenting techniques to help eliminate that punitive/permissive swing.

Reflecting Feelings as Servant Leadership
I'm currently going through a book discussion group on How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. Chapter One is about helping children deal with their feelings by simply acknowledging them, without denying them or downplaying them, or even giving advice or excessive pity.

We have a chance to practice this skill every night at bedtime. For example, last night C threw herself to the floor in tears because the bathroom door had been closed when she wanted it to be open. To us it seemed like no big deal, and it was almost comical that she was so upset about something so trivial.

We could respond by trying to hush her and saying, "Whether the door is open or closed is not important enough to cry over." But experience has shown that a response like that only increases her upset and our frustration.

We could respond by rushing to open the door and cater to her wish. Experience has shown that at bedtime when she is tired, she will often then be upset that the door is open, or find another thing to fuss about.

Our best response is to say "You wanted the door open, and Daddy closed it. You are upset that the door is closed." And let her finish having her feelings about it while we are there offering calm and loving support. Often, fits over trivial things are just an outlet for a child to express a bigger, scarier frustration (see Patty Wipfler's Hand In Hand Parenting fr more on this).

Yes, it takes a servant leader's heart to take the time to see what my child really needs, to admit that although it seems trivial to me, it is important to her for some reason, and to take the time to be present with her and allow the fruits of the Spirit to be made manifest in my relationship with her.

Try Again

2011-05-23T14:22:00.000-07:00

Try again is a phrase I really love to use in my parenting (and self-talk as well). I realized it anew this afternoon when C climbed up into my lap and asked to nurse today while I was eating my lunch.

While our nursing relationship was on demand for much of her early life, these days I am limiting her to three times a day: morning at wake up, afternoon around lunch/nap time and between dinner and bedtime. She had gotten used to those limitations but when she had the stomach flu last week, I temporarily suspended them to help keep her hydrated and help her recover more quickly. This week, she's been testing to see what boundaries apply now by asking to nurse more often.

I reminded her of the three times she may nurse, and then said she may nurse once we finished our lunch. I said she was welcome to snuggle in my lap until I was finished eating.

She didn't like that answer and responded by trying to lift my shirt to help herself.

I took her hands away, held down my shirt hem, and repeated the limit and my offer that she may snuggle now while she waited for me to finish eating my lunch.

She didn't like that answer and kicked at my arm holding down the shirt.

"Kicking hurts," I said, and put her down out of my lap. "I will not let you hurt me." This is my consistent response when she kicks or hits out of frustration.

She cried briefly, then came back and said, "Try again?"

"You want to try snuggling again while you wait for mama to finish eating lunch?"

She nodded and I lifted her back into my lap.

I love that she has picked up on the phrase "try again." We use it with her often, probably most often in regards to scripting polite and kind words and tones to say things or make requests.

Those two words speak so much of grace and second chances. Two little words that both acknowledge a mistake was made, but instead of condemning to permanent failure, give hope for the future.

God's grace goes even beyond that though. Jesus didn't just die on the cross and rise again to propitiate our sins, give us a clean slate and then tell us to go out and try again to be perfect on our own. No, He went beyond what we could expect or imagine and made us new creations, and even sent the Holy Spirit to live in us and create fruit in our lives!

I aspire to follow that model in my parenting as well. When I say try again, I always am willing to help C comply or meet the standard. For example, if she speaks rudely, I offer a script for her to repeat instead. And when she is in the middle of a fit and can't repeat because that part of her brain in the is inaccessible in the midst of her emotional flood, I offer the script anyway and then treat her as though she had said the right words.

DH and I had a major conversation last night about our parenting and whether spanking needs to be in our toolbox. I told him that what I want for C is more than just not spanking her. I want to create a home where we are on the same team, where we are her coaches who teach her how to live and help her succeed. Where we make our words count by following through to make it happen. In a sense, offering punishment for disobedience makes disobedience an option ... for example, my niece has been known to decide that doing what she wants is worth the cost of whatever punishment my sister can dole out. I don't want disobedience to be an option. With gentle discipline, the only option is whether C will comply/obey independently or with our help.

DH said it's a lofty, noble vision that he wasn't sure he could always live up to in reality. He's not perfect, and neither am I. And that's the great thing about "try again." It's for us too. When we make mistakes, even if it comes to the point where he feels like spanking is his only option, that doesn't mean he's stuck parenting that way from then on. We will encourage each other to "try again" to break the old patterns ingrained in us from how we were parented. We will learn from our mistakes and set ourselves up for success just as much as we set up C for success.

Update on Routines Tool Card

2011-05-20T18:51:00.000-07:00

So, after some resistance on my part, I buckled down today and did the work necessary to prepare a routine chart.

The first step was to get fun craft supplies. Oversized white construction paper for rough drafts, and pink half-sheets of posterboard for the final incarnations.

Once we got everything home, I couldn't wait to jump right in and start working on it. I decided to start with our morning routine.

The first step was to brainstorm all the things we typically do in the mornings. I just wrote them randomly on a sheet construction paper, using different colored markers for fun. C scribbled on another piece of construction paper and told me she was making her "poo-teen."

As I wrote out the various tasks, opportunities for efficiencies popped out at me.

Then I wrote out several iterations of a schedule or order for completing the tasks.

This is my favorite plan:

Alarm goes off.
Everyone gets out of bed.
Daddy cooks breakfast and empties dishwasher while Mama helps bathe and dress.
Family eats breakfast together.
Everyone clears their own place and cooperates to load the dishwasher and clean up the kitchen.
Daddy takes a shower and gets dressed while Mama helps C brush teeth and do her hair.
Mama takes shower and dresses while Daddy plays with/reads to C.
Mama and C go outside to wave goodbye to Daddy as he leaves for work.
Mama and C tend chickens and water garden.

RULES: TV and Computer stay OFF until routine is complete!

I wrote it out on construction paper in colorful marker with cute little sketches to illustrate each step. We'll try to follow it for a few days and see what kinks need to be worked out before I commit it to the pink posterboard. I'd like to follow the advice of using photographs of C doing each step on the final chart.

I also did the brainstorming step for the evening routine, but need to talk it over with DH before finalizing a plan.

52 Tool Cards: Take Time for Training

2011-05-20T15:15:00.000-07:00

There are many times when children aren't meaning to disobey or be difficult but really truly do not understand what it is that we want from them.

We say something general like, "Now be good for Aunt Shirley." What does "be good" mean? We adults have a lifetime of experience to tell us what people generally mean when they say that phrase, but your toddler or young child lacks that experience, and also lacks the cognitive capability to consistently take abstract concepts and apply them to specific situations. "Listen to Aunt Shirley's words and do what she asks you to do," is better, but still pretty general.

God designed children to learn by doing, by working alongside their parents or caregivers.

(A side note: In other punitive parenting contexts, "training" means punishing your child when they make mistakes, usually with physical punishment. There are some who even advocate for putting your child in situations where they are bound to make mistakes--such as putting a tempting thing just out of reach and saying it is forbidden--and punishing them swiftly when they fall into the trap--say, slapping their hand if their impulse control falters and they reach for the forbidden object. Let's be clear -- that is NOT what training means in this context!)

Training here means teaching children life skills, step by step, as follows:

Kindly explain the task as you perform it, while your child watches.
Do the task together.
Have your child do it by herself while you supervise.
When she feels ready, let her perform the task on her own.

Sometimes I forget about this tool or tell myself I'm too busy in the moment, but whenever I remember to take time to show C how to do things at her level, it's always fun, and I'm always rewarded by seeing her joy and increased confidence.

For example, today C wanted to have a smoothie as a snack. Often I just go ahead and make one for her, but today, I decided to let her get involved so she can begin to learn this task.

I narrated my activities as I got the almond milk out of the refrigerator, the strawberries out of the freezer and the Magic Bullet parts out of the cupboard. She pulled up a stool and I helped her unscrew the cap on the milk and pour it into the cup. I opened the bag of strawberries and let her select some and place them in the cup. We talked about how many strawberries would fit in the cup with the milk. I helped her screw the Magic Bullet base onto the cup, and then showed her how she could push down on the cup to start the motor of the Magic Bullet. She had fun making it start and stop. Whenever it stopped, I asked her if she thought the smoothie was ready. We talked about how the strawberries needed to be all chopped up into the milk and to watch for the milk to turn pink with the strawberry juice.
She enjoyed drinking something she had helped to make. She is only 2.5 so won't be doing this task independently any time soon, but we can have fun at the "do the task together" phase, and I'll slowly give her more responsibility for the task until she is able to do all the actual tasks with my supervision, and then one day, make herself a smoothie completely independently.

More Thoughts on Biblical Parenting

2011-05-17T23:35:00.000-07:00

In a Facebook discussion of my Stand for Truth post, some common responses to the arguments I made in support of nonviolent Biblical parenting I presented came up, including:

Doesn't God punish sin?
If I don't spank, how will my child understand the seriousness of the consequences of disobedience, especially in dangerous situations?
What evidence is there that the rod verses should be treated metaphorically?

Divine Punishment vs. Grace
The wages of sin is death. All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God and rightly deserve death and eternal separation from God as our just punishment.

The amazing Good News of the Gospel is this: Christ took that punishment for us when he died on the cross and rose again. His sacrifice completely satisfied God's justice, so that Grace can be freely offered to all who believe on His name.

Through Christ's death and resurrection, God turned away His wrath and took upon Himself my sentence of punishment.

As the song goes, we are saved by "nothing but the blood of Jesus." I believe that his death and resurrection were completely sufficient, effective and powerful to not only redeem us, but to conquer death and propitiate the need for further punishment. Therefore, I do not feel it is necessary or right to inflict physical punishment on my child.

I believe children can be taught the severity of the problem of sin as they are cognitively capable of grasping such a concept without me striking their bodies with my hand or any other object. And, hopefully when they grow up with parents who live in grace toward them, they will be in a position to better understand the awesome Gospel message.

Another way to look at it: Like the parable of the unforgiving servant, it's as though I've been forgiven a debt of zillions of dollars. What right do I then have to extract a few pennies worth of justice from my child in the form of physical punishment?

Spanking for Danger Situations
The problem is that a child young enough to run into the street or touch a light socket, by virtue of where they are in terms of brain development, lacks impulse control ... and spanking doesn't give it to them. It may make them afraid to act, but it also might make them afraid of you so they run into danger. I believe that close supervision and preventative measures such as babyproofing until they gain the skills and reasoning necessary not to do those dangerous things is more effective than spanking and kinder too. In short, a child will outgrow certain behaviors whether we consistently spank or consistently respond in a gentler way, so why not choose the more peaceful way to respond?

For more on this, see Dare to Disciple "The Danger Dilemma"

Can We Take the Rod Verses Literally?
Let's say for arguments' sake that the six rod verses in Proverbs are meant to be taken literally. Even so, it must be taken into consideration that the original language, Hebrew, uses different words for different ages of child. Most importantly, the word for child used in the rod verses is "na'ar", the word for older child, teen or young man. Even if the verses mean to use a literal stick to literally beat a child, the verse is definitely not talking about disciplining a baby, toddler or young child.

More on this at Dare to Disciple's series "Spanking and Proverbs", in particular, Part 2. Another in- depth study can be found here.

52 Tool Cards: Routines

2011-05-13T14:33:00.000-07:00

This week, I had DH and C help me pull a card at random. And the winner is... Routines!

Ugh.

Routines? Really? Do I have to?

I resist routines. I prefer spontaneity and take it as it comes. Routine to me equals a rigid schedule, being on the clock. That kind of routine means law and order, which brings out my perfectionism. If there's a routine to follow, then I will know when I don't do it perfectly. I can't do it perfectly, so why even try?

Real logical right?

Let's see what the card actually says:

Help children create routine charts to encourage self-discipline.

Nothing too menacing there. If I think of routines as a "flexible order of events," they're not so scary. Let's go on:

Create routine charts WITH your child -- sounds doable, even fun!
Brainstorm tasks that need to be done (bedtime, morning, homework, etc.) -- This part sounds a little scary. Do I write down what we actually do, or what I want to happen in an ideal world?
Take pictures of your child doing each task -- sounds really fun!
Let the routine chart be the boss: "What is next on your routine chart?" -- I've been doing something like this already when C gets out of the bath wanting to nurse. "What do we still have to do before bed?" I ask. "Pajamas, brush teeth, THEN we nurse."
Do not take away from feelings of capability by adding rewards.

The thing is, I have a 2.5 year old. Like all children her age, she craves repetition and routine and so we sort of have routines and rituals in place already. They may not be ideal, they may include some craziness, but they "work" insofar as we do get ready every morning and (eventually) get to sleep every night. Like my house, my family isn't in perfect condition, but neither is it falling apart.

Here's a glimpse of our current dinner/bedtime/nighttime/morning "routine" (what typically happens, but not always):

I get dinner made and put it to the side. DH gets home late (around 8) from work, and C mostly refuses to eat formal dinner without him, but she'll ask for snacks while we wait. By the time he gets home, she's no longer super hungry.
DH gets home and unwinds a bit while I actually put dinner on the table.
We all sit at the table and DH says it's time to pray before we eat.
C says she doesn't want to pray.
We start to pray without her.
C protests that she wanted to pray.
We start over and/or let her say a prayer.
Eat dinner. C often doesn't want to eat, gets up and down from the table, climbs in my lap, plays with her food, says she's not hungry.
With her food only half eaten, C announces she's ready for a bath and asks to ride on Daddy's back.
C rides on daddy's back like a horse or get a piggy back ride from mama to the bathroom.
C takes a long leisurely bath that involves more play than cleaning.
C climbs out of the bath and gets her towel.
C asks to nurse.
I remind C that she needs pajamas on and teeth brushed before she can nurse.
We get on pajamas.
C asks to nurse.
I remind C that we need to brush teeth before we nurse.
C protests that she is hungry and usually goes back to the table to get more dinner.
C finishes eating.
Brush teeth
Nurse
C insists on a hug and kiss goodnight from DH.
C insists on having DH refill her water cup (even if it's already full).
All three of us sit together in her darkened room while she winds down. Sometimes we do a story or song at this point, sometimes I lay down with her, sometimes I hold her until she's asleep and then put her down.
We sneak out of her room somewhere between 9:30 and 10:30.
She wakes up some time between midnight and 2:00 a.m. and joins us in bed.
She wakes up again when the sun comes up and nurses back to sleep.
She wakes up again somewhere between 7:30 and 8:30 asking for breakfast and to go potty.
We get up for the day.
We eat breakfast in our pajamas.
We parents take turns getting ready and dressed. At some point I help get C ready and dressed.
C and I go outside to water the garden and tend the chickens while DH finishes getting ready.
Wave goodbye to Daddy as he leaves for work.

I'm sure there is VAST room for improvement in this routine. I believe C needs to be in bed earlier, but until DH's work schedule puts him home earlier, I'm not sure how to make that happen. The few times I've tried, he arrives home in the middle of the routine and that winds her up/puts off bedtime, or she wakes up when he arrives home. She needs her Daddy time!

I'd appreciate any help brainstorming ways to tweak this routine, or gentle suggestions of where I can better balance kind and firm.

A Stand for Truth

2011-05-08T14:32:00.000-07:00

2 Timothy 2:24-25
A servant of the Lord must not quarrel but must be kind to everyone, be able to teach, and be patient with difficult people. Gently instruct those who oppose the truth. Perhaps God will change those people’s hearts, and they will learn the truth.

In this passage, Paul is exhorting Timothy in how to properly react to false teachers. In this morning's sermon, Pastor John used it to illustrate a point about standing for truth in a world that prefers spin, hype and illusion.

God used it to speak to me about a particular truth, one about Biblical parenting.

If false teachers are to be treated kindly and patiently and instructed gently, how much more should I be kind, patient and gentle with my child? If it's God's job to change the hearts of false teachers, then it stands to reason that it is God's job to change my child's heart.

Yet there are some who claim that spanking is ordained by God, that spanking is necessary to effect change in a child's heart.

Does that argument hold up in light of the hundreds of verses in the Bible that tell us how to treat others? Jesus made it clear that we are to love (exhibit the fruit of the Spirit toward) not only our friends and family, but also our enemies and enemies of God.

Let's be blunt. Spanking is hitting a smaller and weaker person. It is a violent act.

It is only through verbal gymnastics that one can argue that a violent response is a kind, patient or gentle response to child, no matter how disobedient, immature or inconvenient their behavior.

Children are fully human and are not in a separate category or an exception to the verses that tell us how God wants us to treat our fellow man.

But what of the six "rod" verses in Proverbs? Don't they command corporal punishment?

First consider the source and style of writing. Proverbs is a book of poetry and wisdom, where many if not most of the sayings are meant to create a picture rather than be taken literally. Therefore they must be interpreted in light of the rest of Scripture, particularly plain verses of instruction such as those found in Paul's epistles.

In light of the many verses urging us to kindness, gentleness and patience, and the type of literature and context, isn't it reasonable to could it be that the "rod" in the verses is a metaphor for authority rather than a literal implement to be used as a weapon of violence?

For more thoughts on the biblical arguments against spanking, please visit Why Not Train a Child, particularly the series Spanking is NOT God's Will, and Dare to Disciple.

Hit by a Van, Part 2

2011-05-07T14:51:00.000-07:00

C lay very still on the gurney. One doctor commented that he hadn’t seen her move her right arm.

To our relief, she did move it shortly thereafter. One nurse put a neck brace on her and strapped her head, torso and legs to a board to keep her immobile, leaving only her arms free. Other nurses and a lab technician worked to draw blood and start an IV, which proved difficult and took several tries. A social worker covered her legs with a pink blanket from Project Linus. I started to read the little poem attached to the blanket but it drew tears to the surface again so I put it aside.

She was given 1.0 mg of morphine for the pain. They wheeled in a portable X-ray machine, and asked me to leave the room. I asked if I could have a lead apron and stay with her.

“Are you pregnant?” the technician asked.

“No,” I answered, grateful that although we started trying to conceive in the past month that God in his wisdom had not allowed us to be successful.

“They’re going to take pictures of your bones,” I explained to C. She had fallen asleep.

DH finally arrived. I buried my head in his chest and let some tears come. A social worker and a chaplain both came in to reassure us and pray. The X-rays were inconclusive so they wanted to do a CT scan to check for other internal injuries. I held C' hand, still asleep, as they wheeled her through a maze of hallways.

“How are you doing, mom?” the chaplain asked as we walked.

Feeling guilty,” I admitted.

“Oh, no. No, no, no,” he said with a kind smile. He said other gentle words that I wish I could remember. All I know is that they felt like an absolution.

The CT scan took quite some time. My lead apron felt heavy and kept slipping off my shoulders. C woke up part way through, fear in her eyes though she did not cry or speak. The machine was very loud and moved her back and forth as it scanned her body. I tried to keep things light by playing peekaboo with her around the edge of the machine when it took her out of my reach.

As we walked back through the maze of hallways, the chaplain asked “How’s Grandpa doing?”

For the first time I noticed that Pake was not with us. Beppe said he was in the waiting room, said it would be too hard on him to see her. I remembered the tears streaming down his face as we loaded C into the van, and the panic in his voice as we drove to the hospital. I wished for him to receive the same comfort I had.

A doctor came and told us that the CT scan showed bilateral pulmonary contusions, and a fractured pelvis with a hematoma which may or may not have been pressing on her bladder.

“She’s very lucky,” he said. “It could have been much worse.”

Because they didn’t know if the hematoma was actively bleeding, which would require surgery, they arranged for her to be transferred to a hospital with a Level 1 trauma center in Fresno, about 45 miles away.

The chaplain and social worker came back and asked if they could pray with us for C. Then the chaplain asked if Pake had seen C yet. No. The chaplain went to the waiting room and urged Pake to come in and see her before we left for Fresno. Pake did finally come in, looking stricken.

One of the EMTs, Johnny, was very kind. He explained everything that would happen during the ride to Fresno and what we could expect when we arrived.

They transferred her to a smaller gurney and we followed them as they wheeled her to the ambulance bay. As they loaded the gurney, I hugged DH, Pake and Beppe in turn.

“She’s going to be okay,” DH whispered.

Pake apologized. I said it wasn’t his fault.

Beppe prolonged our hug and said a quick prayer.

I climbed into the jump seat of the ambulance and put my hand on C’s head. She looked at me and signed water. I told her I was sorry but she had to wait to drink.

Fifteen minutes into our trip, the ambulance broke down.

We waited by the side of the road for more than 30 minutes waiting for a replacement ambulance to come pick us up. I nervously eyed the monitors that reported C's oxygen levels, breathing and heart rate. She remained stable. Hope grew when she tried to push away the oxygen and pull off her IV, and asked several more times for water.

DH had driven 100 miles an hour to the hospital, only to find that we weren’t there yet.

While he was driving, DH called our friends and family in Southern California. He had misunderstood and thought that C definitely required surgery. I later found out that the prayer request was passed on through phone calls and Facebook to thousands of people. As with any game of telephone, misinformation was added to the message. Some people heard that her legs were broken too, some people heard that her bladder was damaged.

The EMT in the second ambulance driver wasn’t quite so kind and reassuring as Johnny, and since the ambulance was larger, I couldn’t quite reach C from the jump seat. She went in and out of sleep during the remainder of the ride. We arrived and I held C’s hand again as we walked through the halls. DH finally found us.

At this point, I had been asked about what happened by every doctor and nurse we met, and even a CHP officer. I had told the story of what we were doing in the driveway and how I happened to turn my back on her so many times I lost count. Before my discussion with the chaplain I told it with an expectation of being found out. “Aha! So it was YOUR fault!” After his forgiving words, that fear diminished somewhat. As we kept vigil at C’s bedsde, I listened to my husband on the phone describing what happened. I felt his tender touches on my arms and back. It sank in that he didn’t blame me either.

I hoped again that Pake felt the same balm of forgiveness. Everyone we met asked how Grandpa was doing. He had stayed in the waiting room again.

Beppe came back to join us, technically exceeding the visitor limit. DH's youth pastor who happened to be driving through the area on his way back from the coast stopped by to comfort and pray with us.

C’s blood glucose spiked to over 200, but we were told that was an expected reaction to trauma. Her oxygen levels remained good as long as she had the mask on or near her face. They decided to take her off the immobilization board, but keep on the neck brace.

She was in and out of sleep. Suddenly I noticed her choking. I helped her turn over, and she vomited a small amount of reddish brown fluid. I shook uncontrollably with adrenaline and fear. Was this a sign she was getting worse?

One doctor said it was nothing to worry about and that he was surprised it hadn’t already happened, but others were concerned that it could signal an underlying brain injury. She was so sleepy and relatively non-responsive because of the morphine, so it was hard to see if she was exhibiting any other symptoms.

C had had a BM after the accident, but hadn’t urinated. They didn’t know if it was just because she hadn’t had anything other than a little bit of breastmilk to eat or drink since breakfast, or if the hematoma was putting pressure on her plumbing and keeping her from going. They put an adhesive bag on her to see if they could monitor her output without using a catheter. After almost three hours, there was only a dribble in the bag, so they had to go ahead and put in a catheter. The bag filled rapidly once the catheter was in.

After they took more x-rays and evaluated the CT scan from Kaweah, the attending doctor came and spoke to us. He explained said they had decided to admit her for observation at least overnight. He was very reassuring that it was just a precaution.

“Babies are resilient,” he said. “She’ll make a full recovery.”

One sign that her brain was working was that C continued to sign for water. I asked a nurse if it was possible to give her some.

No, because they still didn’t know if she would need surgery. The nurse glanced down and saw on the chart that C had been breastfeeding when we arrived at Kaweah. She told me that I probably wouldn’t be able to nurse her again for at least 24 hours. Did I have a pump? No. The nurse made arrangements to get one from Labor & Delivery.

When they finally found a room for us it was after 4:00 p.m. We followed C as she was wheeled upstairs. It took extra time because they found a private room for us, and even arranged for a private waiting room nearby where DH could sleep. The room was in the Burn Center section of the ICU.

As we were getting settled in, we asked how long to expect to be there, and what they were looking for in terms of readiness to go home. The lead doctor in the Burn Center was a little less reassuring than the ER doctor as he described all the worst case scenarios. There may be internal bleeding we missed and her pelvis could fill with blood, requiring surgery. The fractures may be in her growth plates and might cause deformities. They still wanted to be sure that there weren’t any brain injuries they had missed.

The nurse said that most often with this type of trauma, the child needed an MRI to rule out hidden spinal cord injuries before they would remove the neck brace. I was concerned about another test, this one where I wouldn’t be able to be right with her. Worry was for nothing, because not an hour later, one of the ER doctors came up and took off the neck brace, explaining that they were confident her upper body wasn’t involved in the accident at all.

Pake and Beppe headed home with a list of items to bring back to us the next morning.

C slept for a few hours, and DH and I sat next to her bed and talked about what had happened. We looked at all the text messages we received from people praying for us and praising God along with us. I let myself cry again, releasing more fear and guilt, and absorbing more acceptance and understanding from my spouse.

At midnight, I pumped for the first time since the accident. We set up the pull out chair next to C’s crib. DH headed to the private waiting room. Not long after he left, C became extremely uncomfortable, waking every 30 minutes or so crying out in pain. Earlier that afternoon, they had reduced her morphine to 0.5 mg per dose so that she would be more alert and responsive to assessments for brain injury.

She also continued to urgently request water, even pointing frantically to the clear liquid in the IV bag. It was so heartbreaking to have to say no to such a simple human need.

Around 1:00 a.m., the night shift nurse said it was okay if I held C. I cradled her in my arms for the next two hours or so. She only asked to nurse once, the first time since we arrived at the hospital. I was relieved not to have to refuse her more often, and yet sad that she didn’t want to. Finally the nurse suggested we up her morphine to 1.0 mg again. I agreed, and C slept in the crib for the next few hours while I rested fitfully beside her.

That morning I was very grateful for the thoughtfulness of the nurse who had arranged for me to have a breast pump.

By mid-morning, Pake and Beppe returned with our requested items. C clung to the baby doll and requested to watch her favorite DVD whenever she was awake. DH and I took turns eating and getting cleaned up.

Beppe said my mom had called and told her about some of the times I was hospitalized or treated in the ER as a baby and toddler. I had an eventful babyhood, with suspected spinal meningitis, a bout of pneumonia, and a dog attack. I’d heard all those stories before, but now had a renewed appreciation for my mom’s tender care of me through that trauma as I experienced the other side myself.

As the morning went on, we noticed that C’s face looked increasingly red and she scratched it continually, rubbing the skin raw. A side effect of the morphine, we were told. Sometimes she would use the back of her hand with the IV, and as a result had two deep scratches on her nose. I asked a nurse if we could put something softer over the IV tubing and tape to prevent further injury to her face, and she found some cotton mesh to wrap it.

Late Sunday afternoon, C was cleared to eat and drink. I asked her if she wanted to nurse. It was such a joy and relief for both of us to be connected again in that way. Then they brought in a hamburger, jello and applesauce for her to eat. She lit up at the sight of the food. For the first time since the accident, she became animated and chattering.

I tore the hamburger patty into bite-sized pieces and offered to feed her. She pushed my hand away and reached with her right hand (the one with the IV) to try to pick them up. I told her she could either eat with her left hand or let mama feed her. She stopped, looked at me for a moment, then picked her left hand out of her lap and started to feed herself!

Then she pointed to the cotton wrapped around her IV. “Sock,” she said, and giggled at her joke.

“Oh my! What is a sock doing on your hand?” I asked. She pointed and giggled again.

Immediately after she finished eating, she fell asleep in my arms, exhausted.

While I held her through her nap, a cleaning lady came in. She asked what happened. I told the story once again, but this time the similarity of our story to the tragedy Steven Curtis Chapman and his family experienced recently struck me. The lyrics to his song “Cinderella,” played in my head, and I began to cry again at how we almost lost her and the miracle that she was still in my arms.

The nurse said they were reducing her number of blood draws from every 6 hours to every 12 hours, and that we likely would be able to go home on Monday assuming she continued to eat and drink well.

When C was cleared to eat on Sunday, they had switched her pain management from morphine to Tylenol with codeine (T3). She took it with her lunch and seemed to tolerate it well. We gave it to her again at bedtime, and she slept well, even getting a long unbroken stretch from 10:30 p.m. to 5:30 a.m., when she was awakened by another challenging blood draw. After 45 minutes of trying to get blood to come through her IV, they gave up and took it from her arm instead.

Afterwards I nursed C, and they removed the IV since she had been eating and drinking so well, and since the line seemed to be blocked anyway. She started acting uncomfortable so we administered more T3. Shortly after that she asked for water. I held up a cup and put the straw in her mouth. She appeared to choke on the water and spit it back out. She made the same choking/gagging motion she had the day before, and I realized she was vomiting. I helped her sit up and it turned into projectile. For the rest of the morning, she couldn’t keep anything down, and there was renewed talk of brain injury and of finding a new place to restart IV fluids.

Meanwhile, her catheter had stopped working, but she appeared to be peeing around it. The doctors ordered it to be removed.

They gave her an injection of Zofran in her thigh, which helped. We decided that the T3 on an empty stomach was the culprit. She was obviously in pain, so we gave her another dose of codeine with her lunch. Whether it was the Zofran or having the T3 with food, her stomach stayed calm the rest of the day and we remained on the course toward discharge.

After the doctors held their rounds for the day, they gave us the official word that we were going to take her home that afternoon. A social worker helped us arrange follow up care for her in Orange County.

When she was discharged, they had me sit in an oversized wheelchair with C on my lap and wheeled us down to the car. C is normally ambivalent toward her car seat. Some days she fights getting into it and others she is indifferent. But that day she seemed delighted to be in her seat, in our car, driving away from the hospital. She renewed the animated chatter, pointing at all the sights for the first few miles. Then she fell asleep.

I couldn’t take my eyes off her. I couldn’t stop smiling through tears at my precious miracle baby.

On Wednesday's follow up appointment with her pediatrician, we found out that her lungs are healing well. At Friday's appointment with an orthopedic specialist, we were given permission to let her bear weight on her legs. On Saturday she walked for the first time after the accident, slowly with a limp, holding our hands for balance. Sunday, she took many steps unassisted and her limp was noticeably less. We see a pediatric orthopedist tomorrow morning.

Please join me in praising God for his merciful protection, the blessing of rapid healing, and for His amazing grace on us all.

The end!

52 Tool Cards: Limit Screen Time

2011-05-06T18:22:00.000-07:00

Last week I picked a tool card that I already understand and regularly apply. This week I decided to pick a more challenging tool card, one I really truly need to work on.

Limit Screen Time
Screen time is addictive and interferes with relationships.

1) For young children, be careful about using the TV as a babysitter.
2) Do not allow computers or TVs or cell phones in children's rooms.
3) Make agreements with children about how much TV, video games, texting adn internet time is reasonable.
4) Brainstorm fun alternative activities, that bring family members together.

Ouch.

I have a serious screen time addiction of my own, and have allowed C to develop one as well. I'll address each of the four points in turn:

1) I've definitely allowed the TV and computer to be a babysitter. When C was born I swore I wouldn't do this, but when she entered toddlerhood would sometimes let her watch a half-hour program while I made dinner. Then I started movie marathons somewhat out of necessity after I had my miscarriage in October and on sick days since then and and it's become a bad habit. C begs for movies, or favorite shows like Dora and Miffy and Angelina Ballerina. But screentime isn't just TV. Starting from the first days of her birth, I've used the computer to pass the time when she nurses or needs to be held through a nap. When C thinks of what it means to be an adult, she probably thinks it means sitting on your butt in a chair staring at a screen.

2) No TV, cell phone or computer in anyone's bedroom, so I'm ok on this point.

3) In order to make an agreement with C about how much screen time is reasonable for her, I need to decide how much is reasonable for me. I'm so often parked in front of the computer. It's definitely an addiction for me. At the same time, I'm a writer and a computer is a tool of the trade. I use the computer to work on my novel and to blog. I use the computer to connect with friends and family who I no longer live near and friends I only have met online. How much is too much? I don't have much self control or self discipline in this area. It seems like once I start I have a hard time stopping.

4) Brainstorm alternative activities ... I'm often successful staying off the computer in the morning if we spend time working on outside chores like chicken tending, weeding, or going to events out of the house (Bible study, play dates) or running errands. Where I generally fall is the afternoon and evening. C takes a nap and even if I don't end up holding her through it, I feel like I want to unwind too. Unwind = online for me. What else could I do instead during C's naps and after she is in bed at night?

Knit or crochet - I recently learned both skills and have two works in progress: a knit cardigan sweater for C and a crocheted blanket to donate to Project Linus
Clean the house?
Bible study/devotional time
Longhand writing exercises
Sketch
Sew
Bake
Start dinner

I also tend to get the itch to check in on email, facebook, Gentle Christian Mothers and other online places I hang out whenever I have some downtime ... like say I'm defrosting meat for dinner, I'll use the 5 minutes until the microwave dings to sit at the computer. For these times, what could I do instead?

Tidy up, declutter, clean
Read C a book
Get down on the floor and play with C

This is an area where I've sworn change before but failed. I honestly have no idea how to break the addiction short of giving away the darn things and disconnecting the internet.

Thoughts, commiseration, encouragement are welcome!

Support Adoption & Maybe Win an iPad

2011-05-05T09:17:00.000-07:00

I have a heart for orphans and for adoption. Still waiting on the Lord to know if it's His will for us to adopt at some point or just support orphans and adoption in a more general way. In the meantime, I'll support the efforts of others to adopt.

IveyRock at Your Wild and Precious Life will be traveling to Eastern Europe on May 30th as part of the process to adopt siblings Max and Lena through Reece's Rainbow. To raise the remaining funds they need in the short time remaining, they're hosting an iPad giveaway. Check out the details at http://iveyrock.wordpress.com/2011/05/04/ipad-giveaway/

Hit by a Van, Part 1

2011-05-04T16:49:00.000-07:00

May 1st, 2010. We were up visiting my in-laws so we could celebrate DH's nephew's birthday party.

C and I walked together in the front yard, waiting for everyone else to be ready.

My father-in-law, "Pake," went to pull the van out of the garage so we could load it up. I held C while the van was in motion. It came to a stop and I put her down so I could get the car seat from our back seat and install it in their van.

I heard a bump. C cried out.

I whirled around. Pake had pulled the van forward toward the house. C lay face down behind the right front tire. I ran to her and had her in my arms before I could even think about proper procedures or potential spinal cord injuries.

Pake scrambled out from the driver’s seat. “I thought you had her!” he cried.

I should have had her. It was my job to keep her safe and I put her down. How could I have let this happen? I should have known he wasn’t done moving the van.

Her cries were weak and anguished.

“We need to take her to the hospital,” Pake choked out.

My mind reeled, still not fully digesting what had happened. Hospital? Was it that bad? I didn’t see any blood. Maybe she was fine?

I tried to set her down in front of me so I could look her over. Her leg collapsed under her and she screamed in pain.

I snatched her back up and hugged her little body tighter to me. Her breath rattled in her chest. No, no, no. Something was wrong.

I found a bench to sit on. Arms wrapped tightly around her, tears falling into her soft halo of ringlets, praying that she wasn’t heavenbound. Not yet. Please, no.

Just last week DH had shared that the thing he most wanted me to change was to be more careful with our daughter. He’ll never forgive you for this, a cruel voice hissed in my mind.

DH's mom, "Beppe," came out to see what happened and we checked C from head to toe. An ugly red pattern traced a path up her left leg and across her lower back.

Tire marks. Oh, God! What chance did a twenty pound, twenty month old baby have against a more than two ton vehicle? What kind of mother was I to let this happen?

Beppe went inside the house to tell DH what had happened. DH had just gotten out of the shower and said we should leave without him.

Pake and I tried to get C into the van. My in-laws live out in the country, their house is set well back from the road and the nearest hospital had very limited services, so that an ambulance wasn’t a good option. She screamed when we tried to put her in the carseat.

“Just hold her,” Beppe said as she climbed in the front seat.

I cradled her in my arms and carefully fastened the seat belt around us. Tires screeched and we sped on our way to the Kaweah Delta Hospital.

I let C nurse for comfort during the ride. She would pull off to cry out in pain from time to time. Her eyelids fluttered and I saw the whites of her eyes. Was she going to sleep or losing consciousness?

Ahead a light was red. Pake slowed the van to a near stop as we approached the intersection. No one was coming.

“Just go,” Beppe urged. She turned to look at us. “She doesn’t look good.”

It was true. C’s cries had weakened further. She grunted with each breath. Her mouth had a bluish cast. I truly feared we were going to lose her.

Beppe called ahead to the hospital to let them know what happened and that we were on our way. She made other calls, asking friends and family for prayer, and making arrangements for someone else to pick up the food we were supposed to have delivered to my nephew’s birthday party.

One block from the hospital we hit another light. This time another car blocked us from breaking the law. I watched helplessly as the bluish cast around C's mouth spread.

When we arrived they ordered me to stop breastfeeding immediately. C began to cry weakly again. A nurse ushered us directly to a trauma room they had prepared.

We stripped off her clothes. Nurses weighed and measured her and attached electrodes and wires to measure her heart rate, pulse, oxygen level and respiratory rate. I heard someone say that her blood was only 87% saturated with oxygen.

They scrambled to find an oxygen mask that would fit her tiny little face. The white hospital gurney dwarfed her small body, now covered in tubes and wires.

Up to this point I had been crying uncontrollably, but suddenly I became aware that I needed to be strong for C. Tears dried and I gently stroked her hair and squeezed her hand. In a soft voice, I explained what was happening to her in the simplest and most reassuring terms I could muster.

Never Forget His Faithfulness

2011-05-04T16:10:00.000-07:00

Just over a year ago, I almost lost my daughter in a vehicle vs. pedestrian accident in a driveway.

I shared some of the immediate raw emotion from that here.

Today, all eight of the two-week-old chicks I've been raising were killed by my dog. I sobbed uncontrollably when I found them and as I worked with my husband to clean up the scene.

Was my reaction way out of proportion to the cause? After all, they were just chickens.

I'm wondering if something more is going on. Could it be that in a way I'm processing leftover emotion from last year's trauma through this?

Whatever the case, this small tragedy is an excellent reminder to look back and praise God once again for preventing an unthinkable tragedy by saving C's little life last year.

What grace that I got to enjoy another twelve months watching her grow, hearing her learn to talk and sing, hear her say "I love you" and ask for hugs and kisses. Three hundred and sixty five more days of nursing her at my breast, cuddling her to sleep and waking up beside her every morning.

Praise the Lord whose lovingkindness endures forever!!

I think I will publish the story of her accident and recovery in this space in the coming days so others may know of what He did for us.

Dulce de leche: Building Fences

2011-05-04T14:43:00.000-07:00

Hop on over to Dulce de Leche for thoughts on how to teach our kids healthy boundaries. I'm challenged by her wordsand hope you are too.
Dulce de leche: Building Fences

Encouragement through Discouraging Times

2011-05-01T17:15:00.000-07:00

I have so much to be thankful for. So much that is going well: my physical and emotional health are better since going gluten free. I completed revisions of my novel and am getting great feedback from beta readers. I have a beautiful daughter, terrific husband. My garden is thriving, and the caring for the baby chicks I bought this week and planning for their housing has become a very fun family project.

And yet, there are a few areas where I can tend to get discouraged.

Trying to conceive our second child, for instance. Woke up this morning to the evidence that we will have to keep trying.

Another is my husband's efforts to build an insurance business. He's working hard, talking to lots of people, but his efforts are slow to bear fruit.

And, last but not least, the daily grind of the small tasks of household management and mothering provide plenty of fodder for discouragement. The bed needs to be made ... again. The toddler made a mess ... again.  My firm and kind response to a typical toddler behavior wasn't a miracle cure ... she's still a toddler and I need to provide that same kind and firm response the next time it happens, even if it's minutes later.

It's easy to lose focus and get tired and discouraged!

I love how God speaks through others to deliver a word to us right when we need to hear it.

This morning's sermon drew from 1 Kings 19. Elijah just finished the battle on Mount Carmel with the prophets of Baal. God won, and for a brief moment it looked like the people's hearts and even Ahab's heart might be turning back toward God. Then, Jezebel puts out a death warrant for Elijah and he runs for his life.

From the highest high he goes to the lowest low, a fugitive alone out in the wilderness, praying to God that his life would end now.

As James says, I'm of like nature or like passion with Elijah.  How many times have I been in the same place, sitting under my figurative broom tree, having a pity party because things didn't turn out like I planned, feeling alone in my efforts.   My lament is similar to his: "I've had it!" "I give up!" "I'm the only one doing XYZ! Doesn't anyone help out around here?" "Is this really what you want Lord if there's no fruit?"

That kind of discouragement comes when I focus on my own efforts and my own expectations of what results those efforts should yield. It comes when I despise the small things and think I'm ready to move on to bigger things.

God's response is to Elijah is so tender, so gentle. He sends the angel of the Lord to touch, feed, and minister to Elijah. He graciously shows Elijah that indeed he is not alone in serving Him.

God has called me to be faithful with the small things he's given me. To love my husband body and soul and accept whatever children He blesses us with in His time. To pray for, encourage and support my husband as he builds his business and make it possible for him to focus on that by how I manage my share of the household work. To do my part and trust God to do His part.

That truly encouraged me this morning, and I share it here to solidify it in my own heart and in the hope it may encourage someone else.

52 Tools Cards: Distract and Redirect

2011-04-29T16:41:00.000-07:00

I've been pondering the best way to go through the tool cards. I took notes on Single Dad Brad's experience and what he thought he'd do differently.

So, I've decided to go semi-randomly through the deck, starting with ones that seem most applicable to life with a 2.5 year old. I'll offer my thoughts and understanding of the tool, or share an experience with one I used a lot during a given week.

Today's card is Distract and Redirect. I've heavily relied on this tool during the early toddler years.

The underlying principle is this:

Instead of saying "don't," redirect to a "do."

It reflects a truth oft repeated in our culture, and its a Biblical principle as well. As the old song goes, "Accentuate the positive."  Becky Bailey says in Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline, "What you focus on, you get more of." Phillipians 4:8: "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things."

Tool for Self-Discipline
For example, say you want to break a bad habit, maybe snacking too much. When you have the urge to snack, simply telling yourself not to snack keeps the focus on snacking. "~~Don't~~ snack, ~~don't~~ snack, ~~don't~~ SNACK," your brain thinks. Eventually you give in, eat a snack and kick yourself for your lack of willpower.  More effective is choosing ahead of time what you will do instead of snacking, preferably something incompatible with snacking or that distracts you from your desire to snack.  Suck on sugar free candy. Get a drink of water. Keep your hands busy with a craft.  Go for a short walk. Read a book to your child.

Another way to think about it
What happens when you read:

Don't think about pink elephants!

Did you think about them?  Why? I told you not to! You likely did think about them because your brain processes the phrase "pink elephants" and starts picturing them before it even gets around to noticing the "don't" part of the sentence.

If even adult brains have this issue, it's doubly true for young children who think very concretely.

Don't is a more abstract concept than do. Saying "don't" puts the focus on the undesired action.

All negative commands can be better understood and more readily followed if rephrased as a positive.

Simply put, don't say don't! Tell children what you want them TO do.

Instead Of	Try Saying
"Don't touch the TV knobs!"	"You may play with the blocks." (and lead them away from the TV to the blocks)
"No hitting!"	"Gentle touches." (and guide their hand to demonstrate what you mean)
"No standing in the shopping cart."	"Stay on your bottom." (and help them sit down)

With very young children (preverbal toddlers), distraction is often enough. Become the tickle monster and scoop them away from the TV. Their short attention spans will quickly forget about the desired/forbidden object and you can consider how to change the environment to set your child up for success in the future so the issue isn't a constant battle (knob covers for the TV, move TV higher, get rid of the TV!)

And even with older children, there are times that words aren't necessary at all, and may even be counterproductive, especially during oppositional phases (like two and a half!). During those times, you may find another Positive Discipline tool, such as Act Without Words, gets better results.

There are so many creative ways the Distract and Redirect concept can be applied! I'd love to hear about your experiences with this tool in the comments!

52 Tool Cards - Week 1: 3 Rs of Recovery

2011-04-22T16:47:00.000-07:00

Still not sure if I'll be going alphabetically through the cards or picking one at random, but thought the 3 Rs of Recovery was an appropriate starting place.

Let's face it. For most of us, positive parenting doesn't come naturally. Perhaps it wasn't what we were raised with. In the heat of the moment something negative comes out of our mouths and we cringe at how much we sound like our parents. It's so easy to default to the old ways.

Even for someone raised with positive parenting, mistakes will be made because we are human, and no human will achieve perfection this side of heaven.

So the question is not if you will make mistakes in relating to your children, but how can you best recover when a mistake is made.

Following the 3 Rs of Recovery teaches our children a foundational truth:

Making mistakes isn't as important as what we do about them.

The 3 Rs are:

Recognize
Reconcile
Resolve

I'll use a recent discipline situation I faced yesterday to illustrate. I was making gluten free german chocolate cupcakes and simultaneously preparing dinner. C wanted to help with the cupcakes. While I was busy at the stove with dinner, she got out a whisk, pulled over a stool, and reached toward the bowl to begin stirring. I was afraid she was going to make too big of a mess, but didn't want to stop what I was doing at the stove to help her. Instead I snapped at her.

"You may NOT stir. Get down right now!" I yelled.

"No, mama, don't talk like that!" she yelled at me.

"I don't like you yelling at me!" I yelled back.

A mistake had been made and we needed to recover before we could continue to work together. Enter the 3 Rs of Recovery. The tool card instructs that before working through the three steps, take time to cool off. In this case, the absurdity of yelling at her that I didn't want to be yelled at stopped me in my tracks and took the wind out of my sails. I was ready to move through the 3 Rs.

Recognize
This means the mistake, taking responsibility for it rather than trying to blame your child or other circumstances.

I owned to myself that I did not treat my daughter kindly or respectfully. I spoke to her in a way I would not like to be spoken to. Her desire to help was inconvenient to me, but not wrong, and there were other more mature ways I could have chosen to deal with it.

Reconcile
This means apologizing, letting your child know about the mistake, and asking for forgiveness.

I apologized to C for talking to her like that.

Resolve
This means to work together on a respectful solution.

I said, "You don't like it when I talk to you like that, and I don't like it when you talk to me like that. What can we do? How about we both use kind words and voices from now on?"

I also chose to let go of my fear of mess, embrace C's willingness to help and learn, and enjoy time baking with my daughter. When the cupcakes were baking, I took off her clothes and let her lick the bowl and get covered in chocolate batter, then popped her in the bathtub. The counter didn't take long to wipe down, and we ended the afternoon on a happy note.

There are so many respectful solutions, the only limit is imagination. Hindsight is 20/20 and I see other possibilities could have been:

Stop what I was doing, move to C's side and kindly but firmly instruct her to wait for me to be done with my tasks at the stove so we could stir the batter together. Make it happen by taking her down and putting away the stool.
Stop what I was doing, find something else for her to do and kindly but firmly redirect her to that. This could be a somewhat related task (put the cupcake papers in the pans) or a fun distraction (watch a video, play with a toy).
Delay baking until another time, either when C was already busy elsewhere or when I was not trying to multitask and was more prepared to involve her.

New Series: 52 Tool Cards in 52 Weeks

2011-04-15T20:49:00.000-07:00

Today I received a pack of 52 Positive Discipline Parenting Tool Cards based on Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson.

Since there are 52 cards, I will be looking at one per week, looking for opportunities to apply it to discipline situations, and reporting the results back here. As appropriate, I may also discuss my thoughts on the tool from a Christian perspective.

The cards are in the box alphabetically. I'm trying to decide if I should go through them in order or shuffle the deck and pick at random each week.

Look for the first edition in this space within the week!

Parenting to Sleep: a Spiritual Discipline

2011-04-11T14:58:00.000-07:00

James 1:2-4 says:

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

Anyone who has parented a baby or toddler to sleep knows there are naps and nights when it can rightly be categorized as a trial!

Yet, it is a trial I have chosen and continue to choose to submit to and endure because of the belief that it is the right way to honor God’s command to love my neighbor as myself and treat the least of these as if they were Jesus.

From the first day I met my precious daughter, God gave me a mama heart that told me to respond to her cries and soothe her to sleep rather than leave her to cry alone and give up when she realizes no one is coming to help her.

She may not have explicit memory of these years, but my loving and (mostly) consistent response will build for her a foundation of trust all the same.

God saw fit to bless me with a daughter that has trouble falling asleep and staying asleep. She fits the definition of a “spirited” or “high-needs” baby.

Dr. Sears offers 31 tips for nighttime parenting. He also explains why high-need children sleep differently than others. In the article, he suggests waiting for the "limp limb sign" before putting baby down and sneaking away.

Don't hurry. Trying to hurry your baby off to sleep is doomed to fail because babies go to sleep differently than adults. In the early months, in order to reach a state of deep sleep, babies need to go through a 20 to 30 minute stage of lighter sleep. If you try to put babies down and sneak away during this light sleep stage, many will wake up. You need to continue your ritual until you are certain baby is in a deep sleep. Here's how to tell: Watch baby's face and limbs. If baby's mouth is still grimacing or showing "sleep grins," his eyelids are fluttering, and his arms are flexed with hands in fists, baby is still in the state of light sleep. Once baby's face is expressionless, eyes and mouth are still, limbs dangle and hands are wide open (we call this the limp-limb sign), chances are baby has entered deep sleep, and you can put baby down on his back and quietly creep away. This is just one of the many facets of baby-care that teaches parents patience.

Did you catch that last sentence? "This is just one of the many facets of baby-care that teaches parents patience." Boy does it ever!

Over the past 2.5 years of parenting my little C to sleep, I've been humbled over and over again as I realize just how impatient and selfish I am. C is so sensitive, that if I am at all eager to "escape" and relax with my husband or go accomplish one of the many things on my to-do list (even if it's just to catch up on Gentle Christian Mothers!), she can feel the tension in my body and will go on alert too. It is not until I am fully present with her, relaxed in the moment, submitting myself to the discipline of stillness, patience and self-sacrifice that she too will relax and allow herself to fall asleep.

There are a few times in particular when I find it difficult to be patient and fully relax.

One is when I'm facing a deadline for my work-at-home job recording textbooks for visually disabled students. To avoid undue background noise, I can only do my recording while C is asleep or not in the house. The times when it goes well and I can fully relax are the times when I pray something like this, "God, you know how much work I have to get done, but I am a parent first. I trust that you will make time for me to meet my other commitments if I am faithful in helping this precious girl you've given me get the sleep she needs." And you know what? He always comes through for me.

The times when I fail the most are the times when I am feeling irritable, tired and entitled to some space and time to myself. Those are the times when God opens my eyes to how much I am like the snake that Roy Hession describes in his book, The Calvary Road.

Those who have been in tropical lands tell us that there is a big difference between a snake and a worm, when you attempt to strike at them. The snake rears itself up and hisses and tries to strike back – a true picture of self. But a worm offers no resistance, it allows you to do what you like with it, kick it or squash it under your heel – a picture of true brokenness.

Lately, nap times in particular have been more and more of a struggle. C is perhaps approaching the time when she will give up naps. She at least would like to skip it and stay awake as not to miss a minute of all the fun and interesting things the world holds for a toddler. But I know based on her behavior when she does not have one how much she really does need to sleep or at least to rest for a few hours each day.

In the past few months, I have become more and more controlling in my efforts to help her sleep. I wanted to rush her through the process by forbidding any wiggles, or anything that I perceived as her fighting sleep and thereby daring to keep me away from what I wanted to be doing instead. My work-at-home job is done for the season, so these were purely selfish pursuits I was being denied.

So I started doing some things I'm not proud of. I've told her if she couldn't stop herself from moving her body so sleep could come find her, I'd help her, and I held her in a gentle but firm bear hug while she screamed and struggled to get away. While this can be a gentle technique, I was using it punitively and her reaction told me it was scary for her and yet I persisted. When I let her go, she was compliant and ready to sleep, but it was far from the peaceful transition to sleep that I want for her to have.  Another time I got so angry with her that I had to leave the room to stop myself from physically hurting her. While I calmed myself down, she screamed hysterically behind the door. When I calmed down enough to return, again she was exhausted and ready to sleep.  Regrettably, I started falling back on these techniques to get her to sleep. Not exactly consciously, but it seemed to happen more and more often that she'd either be screaming because I was holding her down or screaming because I had left the room to control my anger.

One of those times happened while my husband was home last weekend. C prefers to have both parents there while she transitions to sleep if we are both available, so he was in her room with us. She flopped around the bed, asked for water, asked to go potty, kicked the rail of her bed, asked for covers, kicked off covers, asked to be held, climbed out of my lap, asked me to lay down with her, refused to lay down herself ad nauseum. All while yawning and rubbing her eyes. She needed sleep, and I told myself she was fighting sleep on purpose. I thought, "I'm not putting up with this anymore," and "She can't get away with this," and got locked into forcing her to hold still and stop talking. I only succeeded in riling her up. Seeing C's distress and my rising temper, my husband insisted that I leave the room.

While I was gone, the Holy Spirit impressed on my heart how wrong I was and had been to be so controlling and angry. I did not like how I was treating my child and it needed to stop.

Stopping this unkind behavior and selfish thoughts has not been easy and I still have failures. C is still having a particularly rough time transitioning to sleep. Daily I must face the struggle to choose to be the worm instead of the snake.  To choose to trust God to fulfill my desires to be elsewhere in His timing. To choose to submit to the task at hand and be fully present in the moment. To choose to stop the self-talk that agitates and embitters me against my daughter, and instead choose new thoughts and attitudes that enjoy the moment for what it is: precious time with a girl that is growing so fast.

The rewards of faithfulness have been great:

On one succesful night, we went through our bedtime routine and got to the point where we were in C's room and all that was left was for her to go to sleep. I sat in the chair by her bed where we nurse. She climbed off her bed and into my lap, and started talking and asking questions. Rather than insisting she stay on her bed, or shushing her and saying it was time for sleep, I engaged in a low key conversation with lots of snuggles and kisses. She got down out of my lap and turned the nightlight off and then on again, and came right back. She climbed up, nuzzled her head to my chest and fell fast asleep. I held her for a moment, then gently put her down on her bed and left the room.

Another night, I sat on her bed with her while my husband sat on the chair. After a few minutes of snuggling and quiet talking, she moved to her dad. In the past I would have insisted she stay on the bed and gotten into a physical struggle to keep her there. Instead I watched to see what she would do. She gave her daddy a hug and kiss, then snuggled down into his arms and fell asleep. It was a precious moment to witness, and one I would have missed had I tried to over-control the situation instead of trusting my God and the instincts and abilities He gave my daughter.

And yet, the struggle still continues, and I could use your prayers, dear reader.

Last night, it took 90 minutes for her to finally drift off to sleep. She was tired, even laying still, but just the sight of her open eyes began to anger me, and I had to turn my face away and ask God to help me die to my self once more. Today I felt I had to leave the room to control my anger again, but I came back more quickly than before.  I am so grateful that Grace is for mamas too.

God is using her struggles with sleep to draw out and show me the ugly places where my heart still needs work to be conformed to the likeness of Christ. It is a daily opportunity to make the choice to take up my cross and follow Him who laid down his life for me.