Heart Failure to Transplant: Fear and Trembling

I wrote the following for my CaringBridge journal in the wee hours of Oct 17, 2014:

I woke up short of breath.

I don't know if that's the reason I woke up. Maybe Elliott stirring beside me or something else woke me up.

But it's there. I must let my doctor know because it could mean things are getting worse.

I have been weeping on and off since reading the heart transplant packet.

I am scared.

Scared that I might not make it, that my children will be left motherless. Is there anything sadder than a motherless child?

I'm weeping again.

I hate that I have this condition for my own sake but even more for the pain and distress it is causing and will cause my family and friends.

I'm scared, of the possibility that I will make it to transplantation, but still not live long enough to see my children grow up.

My previous entries weren't lies, and they weren't sugar coated. I really do feel hopeful positive and trusting quite a bit of the time. It's my baseline.

But there are dark nights of the soul. There are big emotions that go with this big news. I will allow myself to feel and share them so they will not overwhelm me or turn to bitterness or depression. They will not last. I will move through them.