52 Tool Cards: Decide What You Will Do

Jane Nelsen writes:

Decide what you will do, instead of engaging in power struggles.  

1) Plan what you will do and notify in advance.
2) Follow through on your plan with kindness and firmness 

To me, this tool is synonymous with having and modeling healthy boundaries to my child.

It's also a natural part of setting C up for success, as I talk through situations in advance with her and coach her on what choices she can make and how I will respond.

For example, when I take C shopping these days, before we go in I usually talk through my expectations for behavior in the store and how I will respond when those expectations aren't met.  

"C, the rules for the store are that you stay close to Mommy, and to look with our eyes but not our hands.  If you have trouble using your self-control to stay close to Mommy or look only with your eyes, I will help you by putting you in the cart."

The majority of the time, she does end up in the cart before the end of the shopping trip.  Sometimes that is because she got tired and asked to get in.  Sometimes it is because I followed through on my stated boundary after she ran away or grabbed something.  But as her impulse control gets stronger, she is spending more and more time out of the cart during shopping trips.

When we're done with the shopping trip, C often wants to climb into her car seat by herself, but also gets distracted and can dawdle, like any three year old.

I might say, "C, I want you to climb in your seat while I'm putting the groceries in the car.  I will help you finish getting in your seat when all the groceries are in the car."

Sometimes "help" means picking her up and putting her in her seat.  Sometimes it means playful parenting such as counting while she races into her seat, or pretending that I'm very excited that it's "my turn" to put her in (which makes her giggle and do it before I have a chance so she can hear me pretend I'm very sad that I didn't get a turn this time).  Sometimes it just means fastening the buckles because she is already in the seat.

Perhaps C is asking to watch a movie and her toys are strewn all across the living room.  I might say, "I will start the movie when we finish tidying up."

Perhaps C wants to walk next door to see her grandparents, but she is stark naked.  I might say, "You may go to see Pake and Beppe when you are dressed.  Let me know if you need help."  She might go dress herself, she might bring me clothes to help dress her, or she might find something else to do.  

As I write it out, I see that "deciding what I will do" has a lot in common with logical consequences.  

52 Tool Cards Double Feature: Act Without Words and One Word

Act Without Words
My understanding of this tool card is that when it is necessary to firmly enforce boundaries, there are times when it will be best for the me as the parent to follow through on what I say I will do without a lot of "I told you so"s or lectures or even any commentary at all.

The example on the card is to pull over if the kids fight while I am driving and not continue until they have quieted down.  The idea being that I would have explained before starting the trip that I can't drive safely with too much commotion from the back seat and will pull over if necessary.

However, my daughter is an only child for a few more months, so this situation doesn't directly apply to me.  I wondered in what other situations Act Without Words would be effective.

So, I looked up some other bloggers' experience with this tool card.  On the Positive Discipline blog, there are more examples of how to use it that are age appropriate for my 3.5 year old daughter, such as simply walking over and taking her hand to remove her from something she shouldn't be getting into or doing.

I liked the quote from the parent who tried Acting Without Words for her young son:

“I know actions without words won’t work all the time, but this day sure helped me realize how important it is to at least get close enough to see the white in his eyes before I talk—and then to use more action and fewer words.”

 Another blogger expressed some concern about this tool's potential to veer into the silent treatment here.  What do you think?

One Word
An alternative approach is to use one-word reminders of previous agreements and household rules.  The temperament of the child and parent as well as tone of voice and body language used will make all the difference in how this is received.  The intent is to make it a kind reminder, not a harsh command or shaming statement from a drill-sergeant.

Putting the Tools Into Practice
I can easily imagine using these tools in my home now.  If C kicks off her shoes and leaves them where they fall, I can remind her quickly that they need to be picked up and put in her shoe bucket by using one of these two tools.  I could either put my arm around her and guide her back to the shoes and point to them with a smile (Act Without Words), or I could say "Shoes" or "Shoe bucket" (One Word).

In a way, these tools are each shorthand for the Mirror tool card.  Instead of saying, "I see shoes that need to go in the shoe bucket," which C has heard umpteen times, I can show faith that she knows what to do and provide a simple visual reminder with silent signals or one word.