Unraveling Unhealthy Shame

Recently my ADHD became "Kaiser Official."  I had previously had it diagnosed by a psychiatrist based on conversations. This time, I went through a formal set of screening questions over the phone, and then completed a computer based test.

Anyway, since the more official diagnosis I've ravenously consumed Twitter threads, vigorously nodding, "me too!" at their anecdotes explaining what it is like to live with ADHD. I also searched out articles and resources designed to help ADHD adults work around the hindrances of dysregulated attention and live a full life.

The metaphor of one article in particular struck me and has been percolating since. It was "Who Drives Your Bus" by Bonnie Mincu of Thrive With ADD.   When my symptoms are really bothering me, I can be a Helpless Hannah. Much of the time, I'm a Steady Eddie, as I rely on the external supports I've developed over the years to make up for what I lack internally.

But I realized that it is Emotional Emma who tends to give me the most trouble. She is the one who

cringes in shame when she remembers the time she accidentally cut someone off and got yelled at in the middle of downtown. In fact, she’s avoided driving on that street ever since.

The key words are "cringes in shame" and "avoided."

It makes no real sense, but when I feel I’ve failed at something, I sometimes want to pretend it doesn’t exist. How irrational and ridiculous is that? I'm no better than a small child covering my eyes and thinking I've disappeared or plugging my ears and chanting "la la la I can't hear you!"

I’ve come to recognize the pattern, and the ways it does not serve me, in several areas of my life.

One area of impact is navigating the paperwork and administrative processes to access support for Charlotte and Elliott's autism. They are both clients of Central Valley Regional Center. As such, they are both eligible for "institutionally deemed" Medi-Cal to cover the co-pays for their therapies. All I had to do was gather the documentation and information needed, fill out the paperwork, set up an appointment and submit the application.

OK, to be fair, that was quite a lot to do. Those steps actually require a lot of executive function, and they were difficult for me. The process took me months each time. What would happen is that I'd get to certain point with their paperwork, set it aside, forget about it, and eventually find it again.

When I found the packet of papers, instead of diligently moving on to the next step and tracking down the missing information or document, I'd set it aside again. Each time I'd find the packet, I'd feel flooded with shame about taking so long, feeling defective for having so much trouble filling out the darn thing. Worse, my failure was costing us money we really needed for other things. Every week I didn't submit it was another week that co-pays for their therapies were piling up.

Not fully conscious of what I was doing, I'd once again I'd set the packet aside and pretend it didn't exist to avoid feeling that intense discomfort. The irony is the process took much longer because of all the time I wasted beating myself up over how long it was taking.

Another place I've noticed the pattern are in my fitness and weight loss efforts.

I'll start a program. The gimmick or novelty keeps me engaged and I do wonderfully, following the program to the tee. I'm a model student or patient or client.

Until I'm not. Until real life sets in and the novelty wears off and I slip away from model student territory. I usually tell myself I'm happy with my progress at that point, or that the program stopped working.

But looking at it through this new insight, I see that the program, whatever it is, becomes aversive to me. A painful reminder of my shame that I instinctively start seeking to avoid.

So there too, I see the same nonsensical, ironic pattern — I’m ashamed that I didn’t stick with the program so I’ll just avoid the program and pretend it doesn’t exist/interest me/work. And as a result I get even further away from sticking with the program and reaching my goals. I'll even tell myself that those goals weren't even really that important to me to begin with.

A benefit of finally being on proper medication for ADHD and the depression/anxiety I developed secondary to it, is that it clears my thoughts so I can see those unhealthy coping mechanisms.

I can see the sneaky lies of shame and how shame steals my joy and wastes my energy like wheels spinning in mud.



I wrote about these unhealthy patterns here to expose the shame to the light. Look, here is how I struggle and here is how I have failed and probably will fail again. Having expressed it, it loses some of its power over me.

Also I can laugh at this ShameCat: