It used to be that I could write out my thoughts and feelings better than I could talk about them. Lately that has not been the case. Over the weekend I had lots of good conversations with Adam and my parents about all sorts of topics, but when I come to sit here at my laptop and write about them it all seems muddled and I don't know where to start or how to phrase things to most clearly communicate the truth. There is a lot of both/and paradoxes in my life right now, and the nuances of how I feel are very difficult to capture. Spoken words are more ephemeral; written words seem too permanent to keep up with the swirl of thoughts and feelings I'm having.
Yet, I will try.
The truth is that God has given me tremendous faith and peace AND I also feel apprehension and concern. Both are true.
I'm scared that THE call will come (am I mentally ready? will something go wrong? how unpleasant/painful will recovery be? will I throw up?) and scared that THE call won't come (did we move down here too soon? will I get an infection while I wait?). Each day that passes without the call, I feel disappointed (another day of waiting, another day of hauling around Curly and Zolvie and struggling with unrelenting Fatigue) and relieved (another day without immunosuppression, another day without a new surgical scar, another day with my husband kids and parents before being separated from them in the hospital for a few weeks).
Each night when I go to bed, I wonder if this will be THE night. It's a prime time for big conflicting feelings bubble to the surface. Excitement (How much better will I feel? What things that are unthinkable now will be doable without a second thought?). Horror (chest sawed and pried open, a dead person's heart, put back together with staples, a giant scar, drainage tubes, catheter, drugs, drugs and more drugs to mitigate the side effects of drugs). Sadness (for things I am missing out on and my family is missing out on because of this situation, because some family out there will lose their loved one, in fact people die every day and some choose to donate organs and it's sad and beautiful at the same time). Gratitude. Peace. Hope. Surrender.
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