I've had quite a year. Actually, the run of stressful life events begins back in February 2010 when DH lost his job. In May 2010, C was run over by a van and survived. In July 2010, my father-in-law collapsed and broke his leg and we found out he had colon cancer (since completely eradicated, praise God). The leg required surgery and the surgical wound became infected with MRSA, which is still lingering a year later. In August 2010, we completed a short sale on our condominium in Southern California and relocated 200 miles north to the San Joaquin Valley. In October 2010, we lost our precious baby. Last month, I found out my dear grandmother has Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS) or Lou Gehrig's disease and may only have a year to live. Meanwhile, DH has been working crazy long hours to try to build an insurance agency from the ground up.
The stress and grief has brought some old patterns of negative thinking back to the surface, and depression and anxiety have been rearing their ugly heads in my life. I've been coping by zoning out online and getting angry and resentful with DH, which along with the long hours, has been hard on the connection of our marriage.
DH and I had a big discussion a few weeks ago that cleared the air between us and we are feeling more in love and connected again.
But I recognize that I need more help to learn to cope with all that life has thrown at me in healthy ways.
Last week I attended a Celebrate Recovery meeting, and plan to go back this week. There I was confronted with something I haven't wanted to acknowledge or think about: I've been angry with God and have been pushing Him away.
Reconciling with DH and opening back up to God as my first source of comfort and strength has made an enormous difference.
But I know it is not enough. There is still work to be done. I want to finish the work I began and get healing for the old hurts and broken places that have been neglected and worked around over the years.
So I'm going to seek one-on-one counseling as well. It's been a discouraging process. The first therapist who called me back set an appointment and then cancelled it when she realized her case load was too heavy. I made more calls and didn't hear back for almost a week. Finally, yesterday, one called me back and I have an appointment for Monday at 3:30. I liked her over the phone, and I'm hopeful that we can work well together.
As always, I'm still a pearl in the oyster, still one of God's works in progress.