It was such a relief to get a formal diagnosis and have a treatment plan and have hope that I might not have to struggle so much to stay organized and worry so much about making careless and costly mistakes or forgetting important things.
All day my mood was very positive all and I was much more patient and felt more connected to my kids, but how much was from the relief, how much from the time outside and how much from the CerefolinNAC remains to be seen.
I gave myself permission to be on the computer for an hour this morning to write this and do other work and leisure activities (for me a significant measure of how well treatment is working will be how much/easily I'm able to pull myself away from screens, in particular the internet).
Before beginning this treatment, I was spending so much effort trying to maintain focus/filter out distractions and organizing myself and accessing executive functions of my brain. I didn't realize exactly how much effort that took me to do until now that that effort is lessened.
Before when I walked through my house, I would see things that needed to be done EVERYWHERE, it was like I couldn't filter out anything, and it was overwhelming and exhausting. And I'd try to do too many things at once, fearing that I'd lose focus/drive and never come back to what I was doing. Like I'd walk around with two different things in my hand and try to pick up a third because now or never.
When I feel overwhelmed like that, I'd feel the pull to sit down and go online. To be in the zone where somehow I feel more in control and able to focus. Yes, I'd have lots of browser windows open at a time and follow lots of rabbit trails, but it was fun/calming.
Other times I'd feel trapped by the computer, by the pull to keep reading, click refresh, wanting to get up but also not able to.
I'm getting carpal tunnel symptoms in my mousing hand but the pain is not enough to dissuade me.
Does that sound like addiction? Just a coping mechanism for the ADHD? Hyperfocus? Some of all of it?
Like yesterday I read something in my MOPS magazine and thought I wanted to try it out and then later that day I did try it out.
My discipline was becoming so reactive. I’d read suggestions on positive parenting sites to set kids up for success by coaching and talking through social stories and setting expectations ahead of time and it sounded pie in the sky to me. It was like it was so hard to barely keep myself together that I didn’t have mental energy left for all of that.
All that to say I’m definitely feeling more confident about my choice of parenting style and ability to be the mom my kids need me to be.
I still have to finish packing and I have a feeling of dread like I’m going to forget something important like I always do.
So my suspects for my decline today:
1. My lunch of bunless hotdog with ketchup mustard and relish. Though I had planned to get water I impulsively filled my cup with Sierra Mist (and I've been low sugar and haven't had soda or HFCS in a while). I also had some of Curly-Q's Minute Maid light lemonade.
2. my lack of rest in the afternoon though I felt like I needed one
3. anxiety about the trip (though which came first chicken or egg, I wasn't feeling particularly anxious until this afternoon)
4. "that time of the month"
5. previous improvements have all been placebo effect in my head and this is it crashing down
6. some combination of the above
Went from there to Curly-Q's 'meet the teacher' day-before-school open house. At the open house, started feeling foggy and having trouble keeping track of Curly-Q and her excited antics. Started worrying that the challenging/difficult aspects of her personality will get her into trouble at school and leave her without any friends.
That night I went to a Pampered Chef party with my friends and felt super awesome and happy, but though I didn’t eat the gluten-y dessert I may still have had cross-contamination from the things I did eat.
After dropping Curly-Q off at school, I walked about 3 miles with some girlfriends, pushing Ziggy in the stroller. For a snack at the end of the walk I had some Enjoy Life fruit and seed mix, and one half of a small gluten free cracker before I remembered that I’m supposed to eat grain free. I may have also accidentally ingested some graham cracker crumbs that one of my friends gave to Ziggy.
This afternoon I’m feeling very tired. I’m also anxious and a little foggy.