Heart Failure to Transplant: Locus of Control

I posted the following to my CaringBridge journal on Nov 23, 2014:

Part of the psychological testing I've had to do as part of the pre-transplant workup included a locos of control questionnaire.  The instructions were to indicate how strongly I agreed or disagreed with statements like "I'm to blame when my condition gets worse and get all the credit when my condition improves," or "Whether my condition improves or gets worse depends on my doctors," or "Whether my condition improves or gets worse is a matter of fate."

It turns out that I tend to have an internal locus of control, taking too much credit and blame for everything that happens to me and around me.  In reality, I need a healthy balance of all three: taking responsibility for my own role, assigning proper responsibility to others for their actions, and properly recognizing God's providence under in and through it all.

This morning as I lay in bed before getting up, I was pondering this in relation to the inner turmoil that I shared yesterday I've been experiencing this week. 

Putting those negative feelings into words cleared the way for me to think about them more objectively, and I've identified a few sources that they sprung from.  First of all, staying up too late and having interrupted nights of sleep with sick children is a significant contributor.  I also can't discount the influence of the natural and expected grieving/processing that had to occur as part of the advance directive/end-of-life planning type decisions I considered this week.

But third and most important, I identified a shift in my locus of control that threw the delicate balance off kilter.  I've been taking too much credit and blame again. 

Back in September, when I first heard the words "Stage C Heart Failure" and understood the chronic nature of my diagnosis, a friend responded to my news by sharing her perspective on healing.  Essentially, it's a hyperfulfillment perspective that says that since Jesus conquered sin and death, that Christians today should never experience disease, but if they do and don't then experience miraculous healing, it's because of insufficient or incorrect belief.

That really upset me at first, and similar to the past few days, when I considered her words, I felt unsettled and uncomfortable from a emotional, mental and spiritual perspective.  To move out of that discomfort, I did some research the theology of healing, and God blessed me by leading me to some wonderful, balanced articles on the subject which reminded me that He has a whole healing arsenal and HE IS my healer and will choose the method best for me! 

The hyperfulfillment theology of healing puts the focus on how much I believe or how correctly I believe, which ironically takes my eyes off Jesus and the hinders my ability to say, "though he slay me, yet will I trust him."  It provokes anxiety and despair because it tries to assign me credit and blame for things that are not actually in my control. 

This morning I was reminded of that situation and my responses because I think I'm in the same place again, and my unsettled discomfort has the same root cause: a disruption in the balance of my locus of control away from the healthy understanding of what I can control, what others are responsible for and what is in God's hands. 

Toward the end of this week, I watched a very thought provoking documentary called Origins that highlights the connection between the health of all of nature, and in particular the microbiome, and human health.  I also listened to a CD called Dead Doctors Don't Lie about the connection between human illness and deficiencies in essential nutrients, vitamins and minerals.

Very good and true information, but once again it subtly shifted my locus of control.  I started taking too much credit and blame, provoking anxiety and despair because if it's up to me and I can't do or be enough then.... what?

I praise God for bringing this all to mind and helping get my locus of control back in balance, which helps me cope much better with my new normal.  :)

Romans is one of my favorite books of the Bible.

This morning at church, Pastor Jeff used Romans 5:1-5 to discuss "growing into thanksgiving."  Toward the beginning of the sermon, he pointed out that verse 1 starts with a "therefore," and summarized what had come before. I glanced back through Romans 4 and the following verses about Abraham leapt off the page at me:

19 Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead—since he was about a hundred years old—and that Sarah’s womb was also dead. 20 Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, 21 being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.

To paraphrase:

"Without weakening in my faith, I will face the fact that my body is as good as dead--since my heart doesn't work properly--yet I will not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but will be strengthened in my faith and give glory to God, being fully persuaded that God has the power to do what he has promised!"

Amen!