The following was posted to my CaringBridge journal Nov 22, 2014:
My sister asked me yesterday in a text message how I am coping with my new normal. I answered that it was tough question to answer in a text message.
I have good days and bad days physically. I have easy days and hard days emotionally, spiritually and mentally as well.
Since being home from the hospital, I'm having more good days physically. And yet in some ways I'm having a harder time with the emotional, spiritual and mental component, especially this past week.
I'm having a lot of feelings of unreality, that it's all a bad dream or mistake, I wish this situation would just go away, that there's no way my heart could be as sick as they are saying, feeling horrified at the prospect of the transplant and all it entails.
When I was in the hospital one of the doctors or other staff explained it as exchanging one disease for another. Cardiomyopathy and heart failure on the one hand, heart transplant and a lifetime of medications and significant side effects on the other.
Wednesday I had to wear a 24-hour Holter monitor and write down every symptom. It was eye-opening as to how many symptoms I really am having. And how limiting they are to my daily activities. That was anxiety-producing in and of itself.
I recognize now that I started having a bit of a pity party. Withdrawing into my own head, having a harder time staying present with my kids, feeling disconnected in general.
I think a big part of the negative feelings I'm having is not just worry about my own condition, but also worry about how it's affecting my family, and worst of all feeling less worthwhile because I'm less able to do the things I want to do. And I know that's a lie, but it's still there taunting me.
I know I have gifts to offer that don't rely on physical strength, but they do require me to have an outward other focus and that can be difficult when everybody wants to know how I'm doing and when I'm struggling with inner turmoil.
So good days and bad days. I don't have to be strong all the time. Processing these negative emotions is part of the journey.
Please don't try to fix me or cheer me up too quick, what I need is some empathy, reflective listening, love and gentle encouragement.
No comments:
Post a Comment
I welcome your comments and will publish and reply to them as soon as I am able in the midst of a busy mom schedule! Abusive, trolling or spam comments will not be published.