This was posted to my CaringBridge journal on Jan 15, 2015:
Monday we got set up with Kaweah's Private Home Care, and starting Tuesday have had a home care aide here with me to help with the boys and housework from 7:30 to 3:30 each day. A woman from my church named Judy, my mother-in-law Brenda and our faithful friend Polly have been filling in the gaps so that I am never alone with the kids.
Monday I also received the call from Cedars-Sinai to let me know that I've been officially listed with the United Network of Organ Sharing (UNOS) as a Status 1B. They feel based on my petite size that I could get an organ offer any time now.
This week has had many challenges and adjustments for everyone. Adam has risen to the challenge and shouldered so much of the responsibility for my care and the care of the kids and has really done admirably in keeping his patience and a good attitude through it all. Your prayers are felt and appreciated in this area as in all other aspects of this journey.
Elliott and Zachary are adjusting well to the abrupt weaning all considered, but both have had rough moments and tears, particularly around nap times and bedtimes. I'm talking them and me through it, acknowledging out loud that this is a big change for all of us, that it is hard and sad and OK to cry and miss it, and that it will get better as we learn new ways to relate to one another.
Weaning brings shifts in hormones which is making me all the more emotional. Tears have been very near the surface since yesterday afternoon. I miss my babies even though they are right here. Just typing those words makes the tears start again. And that is OK. I'm not scared of my sadness and I know it will end/lessen. I don't need anyone to talk me out of it or cheer me up or pity me, just to reflect my feelings and offer hugs.
This morning I decided at the last minute to go to MOPS after all. It wiped me out, but it was so good to get to make a craft, get some real-life hugs and talk about my situation and about everything but my situation. The boys were able to stay home with the home care aide, and I got a ride there and back.
I have three upcoming appointments. First a trip to Fresno for a blood draw and dressing change for my PICC line on Friday afternoon. Next a phone appointment on January 20 with a nurse from the heart failure team at Kaiser Santa Clara to check how I'm faring, and finally a phone appointment with Dr. Weisshaar on February 5.
When I was discharged from the hospital last week, I was told that they (they being the heart failure/transplant cardiologists at Kaiser and Cedars-Sinai) want to be very vigilant going forward for the least sign that I'm declining further so that if I do they can admit me to the hospital at Cedars-Sinai to wait for transplant as a 1A. Either of the two follow up phone appointments could be triggers for that decision depending on how I am doing.
In light of that and the prediction from the Cedars-Sinai transplant coordinator that I could get a call any time as a 1B, I've been working on contingency plans. What do I need to have packed in advance. What happens if the call comes at this time or that time, who will watch the kids, how will transportation work, and so on.
My original gut feeling when transplant was discussed was that our family should stay together as much as possible. Then as we began to discuss it more, it seemed to make sense to have Charlotte stay with George and Brenda so she could continue going to school up here and Zachary and Elliott would go to stay with my parents. It would potentially minimize disruption to Charlotte's routine. It would make it easier on my mom to only care for the two boys.
But looking at it now that the separation is a real imminent possibility, I can't bear the thought of Charlotte being left behind and separated from the rest of us. Yes she could visit, but she's only six, and I think that is too young to live apart from me, her dad and siblings except for visits for the whole two to three months that I am in the hospital and required to live in Southern California while I'm recovering post-transplant. I feel even more strongly that our family needs to stay together.
Temporary remote independent study through her current charter school (Valley Life) is a possibility. We could also take her out and transfer her to a school in Southern California, but that would mean losing her spot at VLCS.
Anyway, I talked it over with Adam last night and he agreed that we could make it work for Charlotte to come with us. Then I talked to my mom this afternoon and she said it is totally fine for Charlotte to come stay there with the boys. She suggested that maybe another relative or friend who lives nearby in Orange County can have Charlotte come over regularly to do school work if we go the independent study route.
God's perfect timing and plan are all coming together...
Showing posts with label breastfeeding. Show all posts
Showing posts with label breastfeeding. Show all posts
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Monday, January 5, 2015
Heart Failure to Transplant: Curly and Zolvie
The following was posted to my CaringBridge journal on Jan 10, 2015:
Curly and Zolvie came home from the hospital with me. They are my new constant companions. They brought a lot of stuff with them that has taken over our guest room. Like any guests, they are requiring us to change our habits and routines somewhat to accommodate them.
Curly is the Curlin brand IV pump that continuously infuses dopamine into my PICC line. I can carry the pump and bag of dopamine in my hand, or I can strap them into a bag that straps around my waist. One of the most dangerous side effects of continuous dopamine is that it can make the user more prone to fatal arrythmias or sudden cardiac arrest. That's why Zolvie, The Zoll brand Life Vest, came along too. Zolvie stands by ready to shock my heart back into normal rhythm or to get it to start beating again. The vest looks a little like a backwards bra. Four electrodes in the band monitor my heart rate, and there is a pocket for one of the "therapy pads" of the defibrillator. The back panel holds two more "therapy pads" between my shoulder blades. The vest is connected to an external monitor and battery pack with a handy cross-body strap. The electrodes and therapy pads can be disconnected from the vest so it can be machine washed and dried periodically. They sent me home with two vests and will mail me one more to make the laundry burden a little less demanding.
Together Curly and Zolvie add about 10 pounds to my dry weight. That's only the beginning of the changes they bring and represent. My heart failure has already placed some limits on my activities, and in a way Curly and Zolvie just make those limits more definable and salient.
These limitations change almost everything!
There will likely be some growing pains as we try to figure out what will work, and big feelings as we grieve the way things used to be.
However, there are many positives to the situation too!
Curly and Zolvie came home from the hospital with me. They are my new constant companions. They brought a lot of stuff with them that has taken over our guest room. Like any guests, they are requiring us to change our habits and routines somewhat to accommodate them.
Curly is the Curlin brand IV pump that continuously infuses dopamine into my PICC line. I can carry the pump and bag of dopamine in my hand, or I can strap them into a bag that straps around my waist. One of the most dangerous side effects of continuous dopamine is that it can make the user more prone to fatal arrythmias or sudden cardiac arrest. That's why Zolvie, The Zoll brand Life Vest, came along too. Zolvie stands by ready to shock my heart back into normal rhythm or to get it to start beating again. The vest looks a little like a backwards bra. Four electrodes in the band monitor my heart rate, and there is a pocket for one of the "therapy pads" of the defibrillator. The back panel holds two more "therapy pads" between my shoulder blades. The vest is connected to an external monitor and battery pack with a handy cross-body strap. The electrodes and therapy pads can be disconnected from the vest so it can be machine washed and dried periodically. They sent me home with two vests and will mail me one more to make the laundry burden a little less demanding.
Together Curly and Zolvie add about 10 pounds to my dry weight. That's only the beginning of the changes they bring and represent. My heart failure has already placed some limits on my activities, and in a way Curly and Zolvie just make those limits more definable and salient.
- I can't drive.
- I can't be alone with the kids.
- I can't pick up or carry the kids, or anything heavier than 5-10 pounds with my left arm which has the PICC line.
- I can't let the kids use my left arm as a pillow as they like to do when we are snuggling.
- I had to abruptly wean the boys from breastfeeding and no longer have that as a tool for comforting, quieting or settling them to sleep.
These limitations change almost everything!
- Morning routines
- Diaper changes
- Feeding Elliott
- Naptime routines
- Bedtime routines
- Sleep locations
There will likely be some growing pains as we try to figure out what will work, and big feelings as we grieve the way things used to be.
However, there are many positives to the situation too!
- Adam and I are working closely together to manage the care and maintenance of Curly and Zolvie. Acts of service and quality time are some of our top love languages and so we feel more in love and connected than ever.
- There are still many many things I CAN still do with no or minor adjustments to how I accomplish them.
- I was going to have to wean anyway because of the immunosuppresant drugs I'd be taking after transplant, and I'd rather be coping with the effects of weaning now than at the same time I'm recovering from open heart surgery!!
- I'm now going to be listed as a status 1B, and am looking at a much reduced wait time, possibly a few months or less. I could have a new heart before Elliott is a year old!
Heart Failure to Transplant: Inotropes After All
The following post went up on my CaringBridge journal on Jan 5, 2015:
On Monday I had a regularly scheduled follow up with Dr Weisshaar, my main cardiologist at Kaiser. We were able to have the appointment by video chat, to save me the stress of travel.
During the appointment we discussed how I have been doing. In essence, we came to the same conclusion that the ER doctor at Kaweah did. I am slowly declining . I get tired more quickly, and take longer to recover. I'm having more payback days.
Dr. Weisshaar was concerned about this because she doesn't want me to lose so much capacity or muscle mass before I am transplanted that I have a hard time recovering.
She explained that as a Status 2 priority Type O candidate, I could be facing a wait time of up to two years due to the shortage of organ donors. The only way to get a transplant sooner is to move up to a higher priority status level.
Quick review of the status levels: Status 1A means that a person is in the hospital and urgently needs a transplant. 1b is for those who can stay at home, but are on invasive external support like a left ventricular assist device or continuous IV medication. Status 2 is everyone else who needs a heart transplant.
She said there were two ways for me to be upgraded to the next level, status 1b. The long shot way is we could petition the national organ transplant organization and ask that they make an exception and categorize me as 1B, just because I'm declining quickly. Or two, we could start me on IV medication which automatically gives me 1B status.
I agreed to the second plan, and Polly who has been helping me with the house and kids, drove me up to Santa Clara on Tuesday morning.
When we arrived at the heart failure clinic, they informed us that there were no beds available, and to come back after 3 o'clock once more patients had been discharged. So Polly and I had a very pleasant afternoon in Santa Clara and environs. First, we went to a very good Mexican restaurant and enjoy a long leisurely lunch. Then we drove down El Camino Real through Sunnyvale and mountain view, and headed south on Highway 85 and back east on homestead. Homestead took us right past apples news office complex under construction in Cupertino. We finished off our afternoon enjoying decaf mocha frappuccinos on the patio at Starbucks.
Back at the clinic bed finally became available and the room was clean and ready for me by 530 or so. They started me on the dopamine through a regular IV.
I began running a low grade fever probably related to engorgement, and also became nauseated which may be a side effect of the dopamine. After a dose of Zofran I felt much better. However I did not sleep well that night between discomfort of engorgement and a nagging cough from the tail end of a cold.
The next morning I was visited by Dr. Nishime and a Fellow from Stanford during rounds. She prescribed cough syrup with codeine to help me rest. It kicked in right away and I slept from 10 to 2. Around 4 o'clock, the technician came to put in my PICC line.
I declined the cough syrup with codeine the next time it was offered but took it again at bedtime. I slept from 10 to two again, and woke up coughing when this syrup for us. Wore off. I was awake for about an hour after that calming down my cough, relieving some of my engorgement, and getting my vital signs checked. Just before 3 I took a second dose of syrup with codeine and slept hard until 715.
Then this morning I found out that there was some miscommunication between Cedars-Sinai and Kaiser, and I have not been placed on the list yet, pending the results of the additional testing requested. So I got an emergency appointment at the Women's Clinic in the medical office side to have the Pap smear completed. Normally pap smear results take 1 to 2 weeks to process, but the OBGYN said she would see if she could get it expedited for us. The other tests have already been completed.
Not being listed yet just means that I have not been accruing wait time. How long a candidate has been waiting is one of the factors that goes into determining who is offered available organs. I know God has control of the timing regardless, so this does not bother me.
Everything is on track for me to be discharged tomorrow after they fit me with a life vest (external defibrillator) and teach Adam and I everything we need to know about the continuous IV pump.
During the appointment we discussed how I have been doing. In essence, we came to the same conclusion that the ER doctor at Kaweah did. I am slowly declining . I get tired more quickly, and take longer to recover. I'm having more payback days.
Dr. Weisshaar was concerned about this because she doesn't want me to lose so much capacity or muscle mass before I am transplanted that I have a hard time recovering.
She explained that as a Status 2 priority Type O candidate, I could be facing a wait time of up to two years due to the shortage of organ donors. The only way to get a transplant sooner is to move up to a higher priority status level.
Quick review of the status levels: Status 1A means that a person is in the hospital and urgently needs a transplant. 1b is for those who can stay at home, but are on invasive external support like a left ventricular assist device or continuous IV medication. Status 2 is everyone else who needs a heart transplant.
She said there were two ways for me to be upgraded to the next level, status 1b. The long shot way is we could petition the national organ transplant organization and ask that they make an exception and categorize me as 1B, just because I'm declining quickly. Or two, we could start me on IV medication which automatically gives me 1B status.
I agreed to the second plan, and Polly who has been helping me with the house and kids, drove me up to Santa Clara on Tuesday morning.
When we arrived at the heart failure clinic, they informed us that there were no beds available, and to come back after 3 o'clock once more patients had been discharged. So Polly and I had a very pleasant afternoon in Santa Clara and environs. First, we went to a very good Mexican restaurant and enjoy a long leisurely lunch. Then we drove down El Camino Real through Sunnyvale and mountain view, and headed south on Highway 85 and back east on homestead. Homestead took us right past apples news office complex under construction in Cupertino. We finished off our afternoon enjoying decaf mocha frappuccinos on the patio at Starbucks.
Back at the clinic bed finally became available and the room was clean and ready for me by 530 or so. They started me on the dopamine through a regular IV.
I began running a low grade fever probably related to engorgement, and also became nauseated which may be a side effect of the dopamine. After a dose of Zofran I felt much better. However I did not sleep well that night between discomfort of engorgement and a nagging cough from the tail end of a cold.
The next morning I was visited by Dr. Nishime and a Fellow from Stanford during rounds. She prescribed cough syrup with codeine to help me rest. It kicked in right away and I slept from 10 to 2. Around 4 o'clock, the technician came to put in my PICC line.
I declined the cough syrup with codeine the next time it was offered but took it again at bedtime. I slept from 10 to two again, and woke up coughing when this syrup for us. Wore off. I was awake for about an hour after that calming down my cough, relieving some of my engorgement, and getting my vital signs checked. Just before 3 I took a second dose of syrup with codeine and slept hard until 715.
Then this morning I found out that there was some miscommunication between Cedars-Sinai and Kaiser, and I have not been placed on the list yet, pending the results of the additional testing requested. So I got an emergency appointment at the Women's Clinic in the medical office side to have the Pap smear completed. Normally pap smear results take 1 to 2 weeks to process, but the OBGYN said she would see if she could get it expedited for us. The other tests have already been completed.
Not being listed yet just means that I have not been accruing wait time. How long a candidate has been waiting is one of the factors that goes into determining who is offered available organs. I know God has control of the timing regardless, so this does not bother me.
Everything is on track for me to be discharged tomorrow after they fit me with a life vest (external defibrillator) and teach Adam and I everything we need to know about the continuous IV pump.
Monday, November 17, 2014
Heart Failure to Transplant: Inotrope or No?
I posted this to my CaringBridge journal on Nov 17, 2014:
This is how I spend a large portion of each day. Snuggling my boys, meeting their needs while I rest.
I'm thankful for this wonderful ability. I think I would need a lot more help caring for these guys without it.
Tuesday the 25th of November I will find out what the heart failure/transplant team recommends as far as whether I need to go on continuous IV infusion of inotropic drugs that are not compatible with breastfeeding.
Needless to say, I am praying they are not necessary.
I emailed Dr. Weisshaar this morning with some questions about the risk and benefit of those drugs so I can make the best decision about whether to accept them if they are recommended.
When I went to the hospital last weekend, I thought it was most likely the end of my breastfeeding journey, and I felt ready to accept that. So it was an unexpected blessing to have this additional time with my boys. And now I'm not so ready to accept the possibility.
I think a big part of the difference in my attitude stems from what I heard in the hospital about the drugs perhaps not being as beneficial in diastolic heart failure as they are in systolic heart failure, and of the high risk of fatal arrhythmias.
If I'm weighing pros and cons, on the pro side IV inotropes have a possibility for improving my quality of life in terms of exercise tolerance and energy level in the short term, and will put me at a higher priority on the transplant list. On the con side, I'll have to stop breastfeeding, I will have the hassle of a permanent IV including trying to keep small children from yanking it, I'll have a risk of infection, I'll have the risk of fatal arrhythmia and other negative side effects that could shorten my life.
Right now the cons are winning in my mind, so it will take the very strong recommendation by the heart failure/transplant team to get me to accept inotropes.
I'm thankful for this wonderful ability. I think I would need a lot more help caring for these guys without it.
Tuesday the 25th of November I will find out what the heart failure/transplant team recommends as far as whether I need to go on continuous IV infusion of inotropic drugs that are not compatible with breastfeeding.
Needless to say, I am praying they are not necessary.
I emailed Dr. Weisshaar this morning with some questions about the risk and benefit of those drugs so I can make the best decision about whether to accept them if they are recommended.
When I went to the hospital last weekend, I thought it was most likely the end of my breastfeeding journey, and I felt ready to accept that. So it was an unexpected blessing to have this additional time with my boys. And now I'm not so ready to accept the possibility.
I think a big part of the difference in my attitude stems from what I heard in the hospital about the drugs perhaps not being as beneficial in diastolic heart failure as they are in systolic heart failure, and of the high risk of fatal arrhythmias.
If I'm weighing pros and cons, on the pro side IV inotropes have a possibility for improving my quality of life in terms of exercise tolerance and energy level in the short term, and will put me at a higher priority on the transplant list. On the con side, I'll have to stop breastfeeding, I will have the hassle of a permanent IV including trying to keep small children from yanking it, I'll have a risk of infection, I'll have the risk of fatal arrhythmia and other negative side effects that could shorten my life.
Right now the cons are winning in my mind, so it will take the very strong recommendation by the heart failure/transplant team to get me to accept inotropes.
Saturday, November 8, 2014
Heart Failure to Transplant: His Eye Is On The Sparrow
I posted the following to my CaringBridge journal on Nov 8, 2014:
... And I know He cares for me.
Just here at Kaiser Santa Clara being monitored for now, and reflecting on the small ways God shows his care for me.
Last night the medical transport/ambulance arrived around 11:30 to take me up here.
I had packed my hand pump/Medela kit from the last time I was hospitalized in April, but had forgotten to bring bottles with it. We forgot to ask at Kaiser in Fresno too. About halfway up I began to get uncomfortably full and wanted to pump. I shifted my weight and sat up.
Jen, the EMT riding in the back of the ambulance with me, asked if there was anything I needed. I hesitated, thinking there was no way they'd have baby bottles in the ambulance, but when she persisted I asked.
"Actually, I do! I'm a pumping mom too and I have an extra bottle you can use."
Such kindness. :)
Then this morning after I caught up on my sleep my meager looking low-sodium, gluten free, dairy free breakfast came in. The nurse asked if I'd like her to check if they had some cereal. I asked for Chex, which she said they didn't usually have.
Seconds later she came back with Honey Nut Chex!
:)
... And I know He cares for me.
Just here at Kaiser Santa Clara being monitored for now, and reflecting on the small ways God shows his care for me.
Last night the medical transport/ambulance arrived around 11:30 to take me up here.
I had packed my hand pump/Medela kit from the last time I was hospitalized in April, but had forgotten to bring bottles with it. We forgot to ask at Kaiser in Fresno too. About halfway up I began to get uncomfortably full and wanted to pump. I shifted my weight and sat up.
Jen, the EMT riding in the back of the ambulance with me, asked if there was anything I needed. I hesitated, thinking there was no way they'd have baby bottles in the ambulance, but when she persisted I asked.
"Actually, I do! I'm a pumping mom too and I have an extra bottle you can use."
Such kindness. :)
Then this morning after I caught up on my sleep my meager looking low-sodium, gluten free, dairy free breakfast came in. The nurse asked if I'd like her to check if they had some cereal. I asked for Chex, which she said they didn't usually have.
Seconds later she came back with Honey Nut Chex!
:)
Monday, October 20, 2014
Heart Failure to Transplant: Rainy Days and Mondays
On Monday, Oct 20, 2014 I posted the following to my CaringBridge journal:
Rainy days and Mondays never get me down actually. I love the rain (wish this was a rainy day!), and Monday is the start of a brand new week. What could be bad about that?
I had a better night sleep last night than I have had in a few days. I woke up this morning breathing a little easier as well.
I walked for 2 miles with some friends this morning. My dear friend Corrie offered to go to Costco for me to get eggs and bread so I don't have to wear myself out doing that.
So I've been puttering around here at home, tidying up a bit in each room. And now I'm taking a much needed break rocking and nursing my sweet baby through a nap.
Zachary is having a hard time with weaning. I have started limiting him to three times a day and not at all at night and he really is having a lot of big feelings about it. I am keeping the limit in place while telling him I see his upset and saying I'm sad too and we can rock and be sad together if he wants. Or sometimes when he is mad I tell him I know how much he liked nursing and how hard it is to have to change that.
Other than the emotion, one of the reasons weaning Zachary is hard on me is because now he has more freedom to get into things while I'm nursing Elliott. For example just now he climbed up on the counter, got into my spice cupboard and poured out the whole canister of allspice and a whole canister of poultry seasoning and mixed them together in a mug.
Good thing he likes to run the stick vacuum.
I'm listening to a playlist on Spotify called baby shower for Eli. I found it when I was pregnant with Elliott, and its a really great mix of songs. Just now The Carpenters song Close to You was on. And it's funny because I was singing that to my kids in bed this morning, along with silly motions.
I really enjoy singing. If I could do one thing and know I would not fail, it might just be to be entertainer who sings for a living.
That got me thinking, that I could maybe make videos of myself singing. I even made one but then deleted it because I didn't like how ill I looked.
I might try again...
UPDATE:
Rainy days and Mondays never get me down actually. I love the rain (wish this was a rainy day!), and Monday is the start of a brand new week. What could be bad about that?
I had a better night sleep last night than I have had in a few days. I woke up this morning breathing a little easier as well.
I walked for 2 miles with some friends this morning. My dear friend Corrie offered to go to Costco for me to get eggs and bread so I don't have to wear myself out doing that.
So I've been puttering around here at home, tidying up a bit in each room. And now I'm taking a much needed break rocking and nursing my sweet baby through a nap.
Zachary is having a hard time with weaning. I have started limiting him to three times a day and not at all at night and he really is having a lot of big feelings about it. I am keeping the limit in place while telling him I see his upset and saying I'm sad too and we can rock and be sad together if he wants. Or sometimes when he is mad I tell him I know how much he liked nursing and how hard it is to have to change that.
Other than the emotion, one of the reasons weaning Zachary is hard on me is because now he has more freedom to get into things while I'm nursing Elliott. For example just now he climbed up on the counter, got into my spice cupboard and poured out the whole canister of allspice and a whole canister of poultry seasoning and mixed them together in a mug.
Good thing he likes to run the stick vacuum.
I'm listening to a playlist on Spotify called baby shower for Eli. I found it when I was pregnant with Elliott, and its a really great mix of songs. Just now The Carpenters song Close to You was on. And it's funny because I was singing that to my kids in bed this morning, along with silly motions.
I really enjoy singing. If I could do one thing and know I would not fail, it might just be to be entertainer who sings for a living.
That got me thinking, that I could maybe make videos of myself singing. I even made one but then deleted it because I didn't like how ill I looked.
I might try again...
UPDATE:
OK, I did it! I made a video of me singing, "The Beat Goes On" by Sonny and Cher. Seemed appropriate...
The sound cuts in and out, sorry about that.
Very fun to make though! Hope it's somewhat enjoyable to watch/listen too. ;p
Friday, October 10, 2014
Heart Failure to Transplant: Words of Hope
The following was posted to my CaringBridge journal on Oct. 10, 2014
In a previous entry I mentioned the devotional booklet I've been reading. I think I called it Word of Truth but the actual name is Words of Hope. Here's a link https://woh.org/word/devotionals/
October's devotionals have been going through the Exodus story and today's lesson involved Jethro advising Moses that he couldn't manage the people alone and that he needed to ask for help and delegate his responsibilities. Reading that really helped reaffirm me today in my course to ask for help and accept help and came just at a time when I needed that reassurance.
See, this morning i walked 2.5 miles, carrying Elliott part of the way. This is good for me because the slow walk maintains my fitness level, and the sunshine, fresh air and time with friends lifts my spirits.
Shortly after I returned home, Polly came and cleaned my bathrooms. And it was hard to watch that happen because my inner voice told me I could and should be able to do that for my family. Although I was tired and needed to rest from the morning's walk, I busied myself with tidying things up elsewhere in the house while she worked, again carrying Elliott because he fussed when I put him down. I continued like that until Zachary asked to nurse and I finally let myself feel how much I needed the break to just sit and snuggle my boys, and did so.
I hadn't read the devotional yet at that point. I wonder how differently I would have felt about Polly cleaning while I seemingly did nothing (I'm still learning that taking care of my body and children is not nothing even if it doesn't have an immediate obviously productive result) if I had read Jethro's advice first thing this morning.
In a previous entry I mentioned the devotional booklet I've been reading. I think I called it Word of Truth but the actual name is Words of Hope. Here's a link https://woh.org/word/devotionals/
October's devotionals have been going through the Exodus story and today's lesson involved Jethro advising Moses that he couldn't manage the people alone and that he needed to ask for help and delegate his responsibilities. Reading that really helped reaffirm me today in my course to ask for help and accept help and came just at a time when I needed that reassurance.
See, this morning i walked 2.5 miles, carrying Elliott part of the way. This is good for me because the slow walk maintains my fitness level, and the sunshine, fresh air and time with friends lifts my spirits.
Shortly after I returned home, Polly came and cleaned my bathrooms. And it was hard to watch that happen because my inner voice told me I could and should be able to do that for my family. Although I was tired and needed to rest from the morning's walk, I busied myself with tidying things up elsewhere in the house while she worked, again carrying Elliott because he fussed when I put him down. I continued like that until Zachary asked to nurse and I finally let myself feel how much I needed the break to just sit and snuggle my boys, and did so.
I hadn't read the devotional yet at that point. I wonder how differently I would have felt about Polly cleaning while I seemingly did nothing (I'm still learning that taking care of my body and children is not nothing even if it doesn't have an immediate obviously productive result) if I had read Jethro's advice first thing this morning.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
End of an Era
I weaned my little C this week, after 2.75 years.
When I got pregnant, I knew I wanted to breastfeed. Information I learned in breastfeeding classes through Kaiser Permanente strengthened my commitment to give C breast milk exclusively during the first 6 months of her life, and continue to nurse at least for one year as recommended by the American Academy of Pediatrics.
When I made those milestones, I realized that one year was an arbitrary number. C still needed to nurse and it was a pleasant and beneficial part of our relationship. I set my sights on the two years of nursing as recommended by the World Health Organization.
During that second year of breastfeeding, the relationship changed a little. It was a little less pleasant at times, a little less enjoyable. Whenever I had a discomfort, I would set a new limit and harmony would be restored to our relationship. And I kept in mind that two year goal.
Well, two years turned out to be a rather arbitrary number as well. C didn't suddenly lose interest in nursing just because she had celebrated a birthday. I briefly cut her way back in anticipation of complete weaning, but her intense clinginess and other signs of anxiety let me know that she just wasn't ready for that.
I read Mothering Your Nursing Toddler and drew encouragement to keep going. I enjoyed reading the sweet stories of children who self-weaned when they were ready, and thought I'd like to know what C's story would be.
So, I gave her greater access to nursing again for a few months. Then I again got frustrated with our relationship, and wondered if it were affecting my fertility negatively (we have been trying to conceive our second child for a year now). So, I cut her back to three times a day (wake up, nap time and bedtime). This time she readily accepted the limit without repercussions.
Over the past few weeks, though, I realized that even that had become too much for me. I felt ready to have my body back to myself. For a variety of reasons, nursing was increasingly uncomfortable for me. I thought about how in nature, mother animals push away their young who are ready to be weaned. Maybe my body was telling me something worth listening to. At the same time, I noticed that C was showing more signs of readiness for weaning. Sometimes I would offer and she would refuse because something more interesting was going on, and sometimes on very rare occasions she would just forget about it all together.
Somehow when I thought about mother-led weaning, I assumed to be done right, it had to be gradual, or at least have a lot of preparation and talk before hand.
And yet, when I came to the realization that I was ready to wean while nursing C at bedtime the other night, I just wanted it to be done. I told her right then that we were going to say goodbye to nursing. I explained that we wouldn't nurse in the morning, or at nap time or at bedtime, but that she could ask me for cuddles and snuggles whenever she needed them.
The next morning I reminded her no nursing and she protested and tried to pull up my shirt a few times. I held firm and offered to snuggle and hold her hand. She settled for that and went back to sleep.
Later that morning after breakfast, we were talking about babies. She said, "I not baby anymore." (not words I've used with her at all)
I said, "Yes, you're growing up in lots of ways. You don't use diapers anymore and you don't nurse anymore."
She said, "Yeah, I'm getting bigger!" and went off happily to play.
Could it be that easy?
Not exactly.
She has continued to ask to nurse periodically, and has had varied responses to my refusal.
Mid-morning that first day, she just climbed in my lap and started lifting my shirt. I said, "Remember, we don't nurse anymore."
She said without missing a beat, "Can I have a snack instead?"
At lunch time that first day, she tried lifting my shirt again and this time when I said no she wasn't so easy going about it. She actually pounded my chest to show her frustration.
I put her down and said, "I can't let you hit me, but it is OK to be sad and mad about no more nursing because you really liked it." She came back to my lap for snuggles. I wondered how nap time would go, but we just lay down together and not nursing wasn't even an issue.
Bedtime would be the real test, I thought. She did ask and I said no. She threw herself on the floor in tears, and I thought that perhaps we'd both benefit from a bit more formal end, so I told her she could hug and kiss my boobs and say goodbye. She laid her head across both sides of my chest and gave the sweetest little pecks through my shirt.
Instead of trying to get her to sleep in her own bed in her own room, though, I just had her start out with us that night. I kind of figured she would need the extra reassurance, and it was already 10 by the time we were getting her down.
The second day, she asked every few hours or so. She cried in my arms about it once when I said no, but not hard or long. I kept reminding her that we can snuggle and play together instead of nursing whenever she wants to be close to me. I told her now she can ask for "lovie bug time" or "mommy time" instead of nursing, and by the end of the day she had caught on to that. Bedtime the second night, we let her start off in our bed again, but transferred her to her own room after she fell asleep.
Yesterday was the third day. She continued to ask to nurse, but quickly rephrased her question to request mommy time instead each time. Bedtime, we were going to start off in our room, but she said she'd rather be in her own bed.
My emotions throughout this have been mixed. At first, when she was seemingly taking it so well, I was relieved and yet felt like saying, "Wait! Come back!" at the same time. It was definitely bittersweet. When we did our more formal goodbye to nursing I felt more closure about it. She's doing well with it, but not completely forgotten about it either.
I have no regrets about nursing her as long as I did. I love breastfeeding, and hope to nurse my next child whenever he or she comes along as well.
Weaning her this way has been a great opportunity to practice limits with empathy, to exercize my ability to be both kind and firm. I feel good about how I handled it in a way that respects both of us. I'd like to believe that this is a good example of gentle discipline and positive parenting in action. :)
When I got pregnant, I knew I wanted to breastfeed. Information I learned in breastfeeding classes through Kaiser Permanente strengthened my commitment to give C breast milk exclusively during the first 6 months of her life, and continue to nurse at least for one year as recommended by the American Academy of Pediatrics.
When I made those milestones, I realized that one year was an arbitrary number. C still needed to nurse and it was a pleasant and beneficial part of our relationship. I set my sights on the two years of nursing as recommended by the World Health Organization.
During that second year of breastfeeding, the relationship changed a little. It was a little less pleasant at times, a little less enjoyable. Whenever I had a discomfort, I would set a new limit and harmony would be restored to our relationship. And I kept in mind that two year goal.
Well, two years turned out to be a rather arbitrary number as well. C didn't suddenly lose interest in nursing just because she had celebrated a birthday. I briefly cut her way back in anticipation of complete weaning, but her intense clinginess and other signs of anxiety let me know that she just wasn't ready for that.
I read Mothering Your Nursing Toddler and drew encouragement to keep going. I enjoyed reading the sweet stories of children who self-weaned when they were ready, and thought I'd like to know what C's story would be.
So, I gave her greater access to nursing again for a few months. Then I again got frustrated with our relationship, and wondered if it were affecting my fertility negatively (we have been trying to conceive our second child for a year now). So, I cut her back to three times a day (wake up, nap time and bedtime). This time she readily accepted the limit without repercussions.
Over the past few weeks, though, I realized that even that had become too much for me. I felt ready to have my body back to myself. For a variety of reasons, nursing was increasingly uncomfortable for me. I thought about how in nature, mother animals push away their young who are ready to be weaned. Maybe my body was telling me something worth listening to. At the same time, I noticed that C was showing more signs of readiness for weaning. Sometimes I would offer and she would refuse because something more interesting was going on, and sometimes on very rare occasions she would just forget about it all together.
Somehow when I thought about mother-led weaning, I assumed to be done right, it had to be gradual, or at least have a lot of preparation and talk before hand.
And yet, when I came to the realization that I was ready to wean while nursing C at bedtime the other night, I just wanted it to be done. I told her right then that we were going to say goodbye to nursing. I explained that we wouldn't nurse in the morning, or at nap time or at bedtime, but that she could ask me for cuddles and snuggles whenever she needed them.
The next morning I reminded her no nursing and she protested and tried to pull up my shirt a few times. I held firm and offered to snuggle and hold her hand. She settled for that and went back to sleep.
Later that morning after breakfast, we were talking about babies. She said, "I not baby anymore." (not words I've used with her at all)
I said, "Yes, you're growing up in lots of ways. You don't use diapers anymore and you don't nurse anymore."
She said, "Yeah, I'm getting bigger!" and went off happily to play.
Could it be that easy?
Not exactly.
She has continued to ask to nurse periodically, and has had varied responses to my refusal.
Mid-morning that first day, she just climbed in my lap and started lifting my shirt. I said, "Remember, we don't nurse anymore."
She said without missing a beat, "Can I have a snack instead?"
At lunch time that first day, she tried lifting my shirt again and this time when I said no she wasn't so easy going about it. She actually pounded my chest to show her frustration.
I put her down and said, "I can't let you hit me, but it is OK to be sad and mad about no more nursing because you really liked it." She came back to my lap for snuggles. I wondered how nap time would go, but we just lay down together and not nursing wasn't even an issue.
Bedtime would be the real test, I thought. She did ask and I said no. She threw herself on the floor in tears, and I thought that perhaps we'd both benefit from a bit more formal end, so I told her she could hug and kiss my boobs and say goodbye. She laid her head across both sides of my chest and gave the sweetest little pecks through my shirt.
Instead of trying to get her to sleep in her own bed in her own room, though, I just had her start out with us that night. I kind of figured she would need the extra reassurance, and it was already 10 by the time we were getting her down.
The second day, she asked every few hours or so. She cried in my arms about it once when I said no, but not hard or long. I kept reminding her that we can snuggle and play together instead of nursing whenever she wants to be close to me. I told her now she can ask for "lovie bug time" or "mommy time" instead of nursing, and by the end of the day she had caught on to that. Bedtime the second night, we let her start off in our bed again, but transferred her to her own room after she fell asleep.
Yesterday was the third day. She continued to ask to nurse, but quickly rephrased her question to request mommy time instead each time. Bedtime, we were going to start off in our room, but she said she'd rather be in her own bed.
My emotions throughout this have been mixed. At first, when she was seemingly taking it so well, I was relieved and yet felt like saying, "Wait! Come back!" at the same time. It was definitely bittersweet. When we did our more formal goodbye to nursing I felt more closure about it. She's doing well with it, but not completely forgotten about it either.
I have no regrets about nursing her as long as I did. I love breastfeeding, and hope to nurse my next child whenever he or she comes along as well.
Weaning her this way has been a great opportunity to practice limits with empathy, to exercize my ability to be both kind and firm. I feel good about how I handled it in a way that respects both of us. I'd like to believe that this is a good example of gentle discipline and positive parenting in action. :)
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