Heart Failure to Transplant: Words of Hope

The following was posted to my CaringBridge journal on Oct. 10, 2014

In a previous entry I mentioned the devotional booklet I've been reading. I think I called it Word of Truth but the actual name is Words of Hope. Here's a link https://woh.org/word/devotionals/


October's devotionals have been going through the Exodus story and today's lesson involved Jethro advising Moses that he couldn't manage the people alone and that he needed to ask for help and delegate his responsibilities. Reading that really helped reaffirm me today in my course to ask for help and accept help and came just at a time when I needed that reassurance.


See, this morning i walked 2.5 miles, carrying Elliott part of the way. This is good for me because the slow walk maintains my fitness level, and the sunshine, fresh air and time with friends lifts my spirits.


Shortly after I returned home, Polly came and cleaned my bathrooms. And it was hard to watch that happen because my inner voice told me I could and should be able to do that for my family. Although I was tired and needed to rest from the morning's walk, I busied myself with tidying things up elsewhere in the house while she worked, again carrying Elliott because he fussed when I put him down. I continued like that until Zachary asked to nurse and I finally let myself feel how much I needed the break to just sit and snuggle my boys, and did so.


I hadn't read the devotional yet at that point. I wonder how differently I would have felt about Polly cleaning while I seemingly did nothing (I'm still learning that taking care of my body and children is not nothing even if it doesn't have an immediate obviously productive result) if I had read Jethro's advice first thing this morning.

Recommended Parenting Books

A new friend today asked if I had a list of parenting book recommendations on my blog.

I didn't ... so I'm making one!

Each of the following books has been useful in my parenting journey (sorted aby author):

• The Your X Year Old series (Ames and Ilg) 
• Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline (Becky Bailey) 
• Touchpoints (T. Berry Brazelton) 
• Mothering Your Nursing Toddler (Norma Jane Bumgarner)  
• The Mission of Motherhood (Sally Clarkson) 
• How to Parent (Fitzhugh Dodson)
• How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk (Faber and Mazlish)
• Siblings Without Rivalry  (Faber and Mazlish)
• Raising Your Spirited Child (Mary Sheedy Kurcinka)  
• Positive Discipline (Jane Nelsen) 
• The Fussy Baby Book (Dr. Sears) 
• The Discipline Book (Dr. Sears)
• Families Where Grace is in Place (Jeff VanVonderen)

A song about therapy

I love "What Do You Hear In These Sounds" by Dar Williams. 

Watch the video:


Here are the lyrics:

What Do You Hear In These Sounds
Words and music by Dar Williams

I don't go to therapy to find out if I'm a freak
I go and I find the one and only answer every week
And it's just me and all the memories to follow
Down any course that fits within a fifty minute hour
And we fathom all the mysteries, explicit and inherent
When I hit a rut, she says to try the other parent
And she's so kind, I think she wants to tell me something,
But she knows that its much better if I get it for myself...

And she says
Oooooooh,aaaaaaah, What do you hear in these sounds?
And... Oooooooh,aaaaaaah
What do you hear in these sounds?????

I say I hear a doubt, with the voice of true believing
And the promises to stay, and the footsteps that are leaving
And she says "Oh", I say "What?"...she says "Exactly",
I say"What, you think I'm angry
Does that mean you think I'm angry?"

She says "Look, you come here every week
With jigsaw pieces of your past
Its all on little soundbytes and voices out of photographs
And that's all yours, that's the guide, that's the map
So tell me, where does the arrow point to?
WHO INVENTED ROSES?"
and.......
{ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/d/dar-williams-lyrics/what-do-you-hear-in-these-sounds-lyrics.html }

Oooooooh,aaaaaaah
What do you hear in these sounds?
And...Oooooooh,aaaaaaah
What do you hear in these sounds?????

And when I talk about therapy, I know what people think
That it only makes you selfish and in love with your shrink
But Oh how I loved everybody else
When I finally got to talk so much about myself............

And I wake up and I ask myself what state I'm in
And I say well I'm lucky, cause I am like East Berlin
I had this wall and what I knew of the free world
Was that I could see their fireworks
And I could hear their radio

And I thought that if we met, I would only start confessing
And they'd know that I was scared
They'd would know that I was guessing
But the wall came down and there they stood before me
With their stumbling and their mumbling
And their calling out just like me...and...

Oooooooh,aaaaaaah, The stories that nobody hears...and...
Oooooooh,aaaaaaah, and I collect these sounds in my ears...and
Oooooooh,aaaaaaah, that's what I hear in these sounds...and...
Oooooooh,aaaaaaah, that's what I hear in these.....
that's what I hear in these sounds!

52 Tool Cards: Back Talk

The headline of this tool card is:

Don't back talk back

What is back talk? Every parent probably has a slightly different definition. For some very strict parents, it may be anything other than a "Yes, ma'am," delivered with a sincere smile. For others, it's questioning a command, responding with a rude attitude. Rolling eyes, a contemptuous tone of voice, sassiness or bossiness all can trigger a reflex reaction in parents of "How dare you speak to me that way!"

In reading Nurture Shock, I learned that kids learn this type of relational aggression from watching adults interact, and from television programming where characters talk to each other unkindly.

Jane Nelsen notes that speaking rudely back only creates a "power struggle or revenge cycle." We as parents have the power to break the cycle.
When a child speaks rudely, it's important to keep our cool and model an alternative way of handling things.

Some suggestions from Ms. Nelsen:

1) Validate feelings. "Sounds like you are really angry."
2) Take responsibility for your part. "I realize I talked disrespectfully to you by sounding bossy or critical."
3) Let's take some time to calm down until we can be respectful.

I asked for other suggestions from my wise mama friends and here's a summary of their feedback:

• Provide an alternative script for how to kindly communicate their disagreement or question and say, "try again."
• Ashley Van Otterloo of Simple Gifts suggests to ask them if they meant to sound angry ... kids who are immature in their communication and testing out the power of words need our guidance and feedback.
• In the case when the negative language persists, Ashley follows up by saying "You're out of control of your mouth. I'm going to leave now, to help you keep from being hurtful/unkind."

Related reading:

• Dulce de Leche shares her personal experience as a back-talking child.
• Ask Moxie's summary of Chapter 7: The Science of Teen Rebellion from Nurture Shock covers a relevant point: kids who argue with their parents see it as good for the relationship and you may want to read her summary of Chapter 9: Plays Well With Others as well.

Asking "Is this Punitive?" is missing the point

Need to read and re-read this post on Gentle Christian Mothers.

A Stand for Truth

2 Timothy 2:24-25
A servant of the Lord must not quarrel but must be kind to everyone, be able to teach, and be patient with difficult people. Gently instruct those who oppose the truth. Perhaps God will change those people’s hearts, and they will learn the truth.

In this passage, Paul is exhorting Timothy in how to properly react to false teachers.  In this morning's sermon, Pastor John used it to illustrate a point about standing for truth in a world that prefers spin, hype and illusion.

God used it to speak to me about a particular truth, one about Biblical parenting.

If false teachers are to be treated kindly and patiently and instructed gently, how much more should I be kind, patient and gentle with my child?  If it's God's job to change the hearts of false teachers, then it stands to reason that it is God's job to change my child's heart.

Yet there are some who claim that spanking is ordained by God, that spanking is necessary to effect change in a child's heart.

Does that argument hold up in light of the hundreds of verses in the Bible that tell us how to treat others?  Jesus made it clear that we are to love (exhibit the fruit of the Spirit toward) not only our friends and family, but also our enemies and enemies of God. 

Let's be blunt.  Spanking is hitting a smaller and weaker person.  It is a violent act.

It is only through verbal gymnastics that one can argue that a violent response is a kind, patient or gentle response to child, no matter how disobedient, immature or inconvenient their behavior. 

Children are fully human and are not in a separate category or an exception to the verses that tell us how God wants us to treat our fellow man.  

But what of the six "rod" verses in Proverbs?  Don't they command corporal punishment?

First consider the source and style of writing.  Proverbs is a book of poetry and wisdom, where many if not most of the sayings are meant to create a picture rather than be taken literally.  Therefore they must be interpreted in light of the rest of Scripture, particularly plain verses of instruction such as those found in Paul's epistles.

In light of the many verses urging us to kindness, gentleness and patience, and the type of literature and context, isn't it reasonable to could it be that the "rod" in the verses is a metaphor for authority rather than a literal implement to be used as a weapon of violence?

For more thoughts on the biblical arguments against spanking, please visit Why Not Train a Child, particularly the series Spanking is NOT God's Will, and Dare to Disciple.

New Series: 52 Tool Cards in 52 Weeks

Today I received a pack of 52 Positive Discipline Parenting Tool Cards based on Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson. 

Since there are 52 cards, I will be looking at one per week, looking for opportunities to apply it to discipline situations, and reporting the results back here.   As appropriate, I may also discuss my thoughts on the tool from a Christian perspective.

The cards are in the box alphabetically.  I'm trying to decide if I should go through them in order or shuffle the deck and pick at random each week. 

Look for the first edition in this space within the week!

A great overview of positive discipline

I stumbled upon the Essential Parenting blog today and really love this post that gives a great overview of what positive discipline is and how it differs from more tradtional shame and control based approaches.

Positive discipine uses Vygotsky's concept of scaffolding: enabling a child to exhibit more mature behavior than they naturally are capable of until they mature to a point where that behavior becomes their own.  In other words, setting up for success. 

Or as the blog puts it the goal of positive discipline is

to help the brain and mind of the child reach full maturity not through punishments and rewards used in a way that manipulates the child toward a particular behavior, but rather through a process of helping the child understand the rules and roles of the culture while simultaneously helping them to remain regulated and interested in choosing “the right thing.”

Gentle Discipline Blogs

Check out these three posts:

Dare to Disciple's A Wonderful Life
I too always enjoy housework and cooking more when I include C.  She likes to dump and stir ingredients.  She likes to put away clean silverware.  She likes to help move laundry from the hamper to the washer, from washer to the dryer and from the dryer to the laundry basket.  She likes to sweep and will get out the broom (or a whisk, tee hee) on her own.

To Parent as One Who Has Been Richly Forgiven's Story of John Law and John Grace
A clear presentation of the concept of a grace that doesn't lower the standard but instead helps to achieve the high standard.

Hand in Hand Parenting's piece on Holiday Meltdowns
Explains why tantrums and meltdown happen more frequently during the holiday season and what to do about it -- these seven words say it all: "Hold the limit and love the child."

Guest post: 12 - 30 months, or "What happened to my sweet baby?"

I'm honored to have the following guest post from Ashley Van Otterloo, mother of three lively and charming daughters. 

Take it away Ashley!


So. Let's talk toddlers.

It's really common, as the parent of a budding toddler, to feel a little "duped" by any easy-parenting fantasies you held previously, or completely steamrolled by the realization that gentle parenting (and ANY parenting) is really long, really hard, often thankless work.

While creating a loving bond with our tiny babies, it's easy to imagine that our little one and ourselves will enjoy the euphoria of "togetherness" forever, and that baby will seamlessly become an equally agreeable child, in sync with our every idea. Even if a baby has been high needs or cried a lot, we might look forward to easier time of it once they get older and less colicky/clingy.

For many mothers, including myself, 12mo-2.5 years is a HUGE reality check about what it means to be a parent. I discovered very fast that my daughter is and forever will be her own person, with her own ideas, her own hopes, her own God-given bent and personality...that is often in contrast/conflict with mine! What a RUDE awakening!

It was a time that I spent much time in prayer, realizing the weight of the task I was about to undertake: leading an individual gently and thoughtfully through childhood, and realizing that *I* was now the adult in her life that she looked to for protection, instruction and nurture. Despite any cranky moods, unfairness, and challenge that the commitment brought me, I was committed to being her mom! What a HUGE paradigm shift this was for me!

In light of what I've gleaned from my limited experience (this is our 3rd time around), and from observations of emotional trends that tend to happen at this age, I thought I'd compile a little list that might be helpful for a mama navigating this for the first (or second, third, fourth...) time!

Things that make this time unique:

Differentiation (Mama and me are different!):
From 12 months, babies begin a fantastic journey of finding their own place in the world, as they no longer view themselves an extension of mommy! This means exploration; fuzzy, emotional opinions of their own; unique ideas; lots of experimenting with behaviors and words. This age can be charming, funny, busy and exhausting for parents!

New experimental expressions like the infamous "NO!!!" are healthy, but can take some adjusting to emotionally, especially if your background (like mine) was a punitive/permissive paradigm. It can take a while to find a balance between allowing for individual expression and enforcing healthy boundaries.


Need for reassurance:
The flip side of differentiation is need for nurture! Babies this age often get overwhelmed by their own ability to stray from mama, and from the sheer new volume of stimulation and information at their fingertips! While they're struggling to get down and explore their world, they also need plenty of cuddling, loving, direction and reassurance!


Increased Mobility:
If you have a child this age, this point is obvious. Childproofing, wise choices in playdate location, lots of redirecting and on-feet time for parents is a hallmark of this busy phase!


Changing lifestyle:
Up until this point, it's easy enough to tote along little Rex or Regina in a stroller or sling, and friends are generally happy to see your little bundle of cuteness. Once toddling is reached, however, things like eating and the bowling alley become more challenging. (Sometimes challenging is a laughable understatement! ) You're now responsible for making sure the boundaries of others are honored, AND setting your little one up for successful behavior by providing appropriate place to explore. If your social life is mostly composed of single or childless friends, this experience will likely be even more obvious.

For extroverted or social couples, this can be especially challenging, and it may take time and patience to reinvent your social support system in a way that nurtures you and provides a safe, successful environment for your child. The work put into it is always satisfying! Don't give up, and be patient with yourself and your spouse as you navigate these new waters.


Changing sibling relationships:
For toddlers with older siblings, this is often an age of discovering rivalry (and relationship!). Different children with different needs and opinions about things require lots of involvement and navigation of physical boundaries from parents (especially in the very early years! ) The baby is all of a sudden more interesting and, sometimes, more scary. The inner Mama Bear that is awoken when one child hurts another can leave you feeling wild and breathless sometimes.

If your toddler is the older child, this is often a very rattling emotional time for mama! Feelings of betraying your toddler with another pregnancy, worry that you won't have enough resources to go around, feelings of annoyance that they won't mature more quickly, feelings of being overwhelmed by the needs of TWO small people can be daunting. It's a great time to take a deep breath and ask yourself what your child is actually capable of (and not what you WISH he/she were capable of), and trouble-shoot from there.


Body changes for mama:
Most women notice changes in their bodies or, at very least, the amount of time/energy that can be devoted to self-image or self care after the infant year! This can contribute to deconstruction of the way we view ourselves, and tends to lend an emotional intensity to our reactions to increasing demands on our energy and patience.

Remembering that people who feel good behave better will help. Pick a hobby or pursuit you love. Call a girlfriend. Hand your toddler off to your spouse or a trusted loved on for a couple of hours. Taking care of ourselves (even if it's just half an hour in the tub every week to unwind and soak out the stress) isn't selfish. It's prudent.


Need for increased body boundaries, but continued need for nurture:
While being an attached parent, it's often healthy and useful to recognize that there are age-appropriate times to gradually set limits on our children's access to our bodies (nursing boundaries, need for personal space sometimes). This can look different for every parent/child, according to individual needs. It's also important to recognize that while setting boundaries and limits, we can honor the fact that our toddlers are still very small and very much babies who continue to need some level of physical reassurance. As in all things, a healthy balance for everyone can be struck.


Discipline choices take a central role:
This is a sorting out time for most parents in the area of discipline philosophy. Toddlerhood is where the proverbial rubber meets the road. The realization that parenting and reinforcing the same boundary over and over can be HARD sets in, and many mothers previously delighted with Gentle Discipline can feel disillusioned. (It is, after all, a lot easier to imagine being gentle with a cooing baby than with a mobile baby who has their own set of needs and opinions! )

Parenting isn't easy. It takes committment, time, patience, repetition, and a commitment to strive for teaching and instilling of love for the long haul. It takes *time* and energy, and there are no easy solutions when cultivating compassion, kindness and character.

It's also an age where the decision has to be reached to become educated and confident in your OWN parenting choices, and to grow rather thick skin from the flurry of advice that's bound to come your way. Others often have strong opinions about how we should parent our own children. I've found that with family, it's good to take a no-nonsense approach, and simply "out" myself as a proactive, gentle mother, and make it clear that my parenting choices aren't up for discussion. I do the same with close friends. This isn't forceful or rude; it's taking on the appropriate role of authority and protector in your precious child's life, and making the boundary of your place as Parent clear.

Much of parenting is donning a flame-proof attitude about the decisions you prayerfully and thoughtfully make, and then standing your ground, and surrounding yourself with those who will at least be respectful of your choices. It's a time when you step out of a follower role yourself, and become a leader for your children.

One last point: It helps to remember that a lot of the annoying behaviors that come with certain ages and phases are just that: phases. Children generally mature out of them, just with passing of time and consistent, gentle reinforcement of boundaries. :rock (Really, they do. It's like magic. ) To be sure, each new phase brings with it it's own set of unique and what often appear to be bizarre behaviors. Read up on ages and stages...Ames and Ilg's "Your Two Year Old" is a great place to start.


I challenge each mom to pray and ask God to help her to fall in love with THIS child that you've been given. Not the child you imagined you had, not the child you expected, not the child you wish you had. Ask the Holy Spirit to wind your heart around what it is that makes this specific child's personality fantastic and capable, and then commit to pouring your effort into nurturing that. It's a beautiful journey, if hectic and crazy sometimes, and one that's worth the walking!

Mothering Your Nursing Toddler

Today I borrowed this book from the La Leche League library.  I highly recommend it!

Overview of Gentle Discipline by a fellow mommy blogger

I loved this post and wanted to share. So much good stuff there.

Especially this:

I suppose it's the rampant teaching that discipline starts at birth and you have to control every thing and "keep your baby in line" or your baby will grow to be a child who rules you.

That's a lie, well the second part is.

But yes, discipline does start at birth,

Yet you brought me out of the womb; you made me trust in you even at my mother's breast(Psalm 22:9)

We can't learn every thing we need for life unless we trust. We can't grow up confident and able to stand up in the world and what it throws at us unless we feel secure.

Teaching a baby that you are always there is discpline.

Responding to Infant's Needs

This article about infant-led sleep is worth checking out.

Helping Kids Manage Their Impulses

I've really enjoyed and learned a lot from this two-post series by Ash of Simple Gifts where she talks about how she goes about teaching her kiddos to gradually increase their impulse control through games and the activities of daily life.

Part I

Part II

Advocate versus Adversary

LOVE this blog post by Sally Clarkson! I'm so glad I don't have to be at war with Pookaloo or be her policeman.

I don't have to pretend to be the Holy Spirit and externally impose behaviors that look like fruit.

I'm her teacher, model, coach, advocate, comforter and a signpost on her walk of life that points to the grace and mercy of Jesus Christ.

p.s. Someone in the comment section of Sally's blog recommends the book "Shepherding a Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp. I very emphatically DO NOT recommend that book's approach as it does not fall within the definition of gentle or grace-based discipline, but rather is one of the "formula" books that leads to an adversarial relationship.

Father's Love Letter

Last night our Bible study talked about Romans 12:1 in the context of worship. How we are to worship God with our whole lives, and not just for a prescribed time on Sundays or even just a special quiet time during the day.

Today I was thinking about the following verse, Romans 12:2

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will.

We are to renew our minds by filling it with truth. Meditating on who God is and who we are in Him.

At another Bible study on Tuesday, I was introduced to the Father's Love Letter. It's a paraphrase of many of the Bible's great verses on God's passionate, intimate love for us, written like a personal letter. There are so many great truths there that I needed to be reminded of.

• That God has every day of my life written in His book and knows all the times and seasons. We may not know where we will be living in a month or three months, but He does.
• That God can do more for us than we can possibly imagine. Building a business as an insurance agent in some ways seems risky, but we have been diligently seeking His will and if this is it, he will be the best business partner we could ask for.
• That He comforts us in our troubles. I don't have to pretend that this situation isn't stressful or that I'm completely at peace. Like David in the Psalms, and Jesus in the garden, I can cry out to God in the pain of this uncertainty and receive comfort.

Five Reasons Not to Say Good Job

Wow. I knew to offer praise for specific actions from this article on the inverse power of praise by Po Bronson. I thought I was doing well.

But after reading Alfie Kohn's article, I realized that I do use praise in a manipulative way still. I feel like I can never let Pookaloo's success or helpfulness go unremarked, and it could be that I'm one of those described by Mr. Kohn who:

secretly or unconsciously ... believe it was a fluke. If children are basically evil, then they have to be given an artificial reason for being nice (namely, to get a verbal reward).

"Quiet Time" for Mothers

I'm participating in a six week spiritual foundations study through our church. Day 2 encourages us to pick a 30 minute block of time for Quiet Time each day.

Quiet Time, or rather, my lack of one -- or at least one meeting the ideal criteria -- has frequently been a source of guilt in my life.

Before Pookaloo came along, I wasn't the most faithful keeper of a quiet time, but I did read Scripture regularly, participated in Bible studies and mostly kept up with any assigned homework. I'd use prayer journals. My spiritual practice was eclectic, and intermittent, but regular in the sense that I kept going back to it even if I'd miss days here and there.

Since she came along, my pattern has changed again. I so rarely have time alone or time that is just for me that I've felt as though a set aside time with God is impossible. Reading this blog post, however, makes me realize that I'm still practicing God's presence in my eclectic, intermittent way, and that there are ways to enrich and deepen that even though it seems impossible to find 30 minutes of "uninterrupted" time.

Truly freeing and encouraging to me to read this today. Even the comments were helpful, since it let me know that I'm certainly not alone in this!

Sticking with Gentle Discipline

I found this blog post by DrMomma, where she addresses potential obstacles to sticking with gentle discpline and strategies to overcome those obstacles, extremely encouraging.

I really liked this quote especially:

It is a continuum, and children can benefit from each and every movement toward the gentler, more compassionate side, and away from the punitive, confrontational side.

Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline

I just finished this book and highly recommend it. The ideas for disciplining ourselves as parents before we turn to our children with related tools and techniques are powerful but require a bit of a paradigm shift. At the end of the book is a seven-week program to help make that shift.

Dr. Bailey has divided self-control into seven aspects.

1. Power of Attention -- We reinforce behavior by paying attention to it, even by saying "Don't". Better to stop and think of what you want the children TO do, then tell them that in clear, assertive language.
2. Power of Love -- choose to see the best in others and assume they have a positive intent or misguided goal behind their actions, then help them find more socially acceptable ways to get what they want
3. Power of Acceptance -- don't wear yourself out or rev yourself up thinking about how things SHOULD be. As Dr. Bailey says, "This moment is as it is" -- so relax, and stay present by noticing concrete details
4. Power of Perception -- Our feelings follow our thoughts and our internal dialogue. Pay attention to what your thinking or telling yourself, and if it's not helpful, change it. Especially watch for blaming language.
5. Power of Intention -- Choose to see and use conflict and misbehavior as an opportunity to teach
6. Power of Free Will -- recognize that just as no one can "make" you do anything, the only person you can really change is yourself. Instead of asking how you can "make" your child do what you want, think in terms of how to help them be more likely to choose to cooperate.
7. Power of Unity -- Be on our children's side instead of taking opposing positions in a battle of wills, and nourish your connection through play and encouragement

Similarly, there are seven tools or techniques that she highlights:

1. Maintain your composure.
2. Be assertive, clearly and directly stating the limit or what you want done, and using physical gestures to demonstrate or assistance to make it happen.
3. Offer choices, but make it two different ways to do what you want done rather than a choice between doing it or not.
4. Encourage by describing concretely what your children do and providing a "virtue" tag. For example, "You put away the dishes without a reminder. That was helpful."
5. State the goal the child was trying to acheive with their misbehavior, why their action doesn't work/isn't acceptable and what to do instead. "You wanted the crayon now, so you hit your brother. Hitting hurts, you may not hit. Instead, say, may I have the crayon?"
6. Empathize by describing what you see their body doing, what you hear them saying, and how it seems to you they might feel.
7. Consequences follow poor choices and are intended/designed to teach rather than make the child feel bad. Lectures, rescuing and overly punitive responses all reduce the child's ability to fully feel the consequence of their choices.