A song about therapy

I love "What Do You Hear In These Sounds" by Dar Williams. 

Watch the video:


Here are the lyrics:

What Do You Hear In These Sounds
Words and music by Dar Williams

I don't go to therapy to find out if I'm a freak
I go and I find the one and only answer every week
And it's just me and all the memories to follow
Down any course that fits within a fifty minute hour
And we fathom all the mysteries, explicit and inherent
When I hit a rut, she says to try the other parent
And she's so kind, I think she wants to tell me something,
But she knows that its much better if I get it for myself...

And she says
Oooooooh,aaaaaaah, What do you hear in these sounds?
And... Oooooooh,aaaaaaah
What do you hear in these sounds?????

I say I hear a doubt, with the voice of true believing
And the promises to stay, and the footsteps that are leaving
And she says "Oh", I say "What?"...she says "Exactly",
I say"What, you think I'm angry
Does that mean you think I'm angry?"

She says "Look, you come here every week
With jigsaw pieces of your past
Its all on little soundbytes and voices out of photographs
And that's all yours, that's the guide, that's the map
So tell me, where does the arrow point to?
WHO INVENTED ROSES?"
and.......
{ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/d/dar-williams-lyrics/what-do-you-hear-in-these-sounds-lyrics.html }

Oooooooh,aaaaaaah
What do you hear in these sounds?
And...Oooooooh,aaaaaaah
What do you hear in these sounds?????

And when I talk about therapy, I know what people think
That it only makes you selfish and in love with your shrink
But Oh how I loved everybody else
When I finally got to talk so much about myself............

And I wake up and I ask myself what state I'm in
And I say well I'm lucky, cause I am like East Berlin
I had this wall and what I knew of the free world
Was that I could see their fireworks
And I could hear their radio

And I thought that if we met, I would only start confessing
And they'd know that I was scared
They'd would know that I was guessing
But the wall came down and there they stood before me
With their stumbling and their mumbling
And their calling out just like me...and...

Oooooooh,aaaaaaah, The stories that nobody hears...and...
Oooooooh,aaaaaaah, and I collect these sounds in my ears...and
Oooooooh,aaaaaaah, that's what I hear in these sounds...and...
Oooooooh,aaaaaaah, that's what I hear in these.....
that's what I hear in these sounds!

Grace and Discipline in Marriage

The other day I came across this article about the six patterns of arguing which signal a couple's marriage may end in divorce identified by Dr. John Gottman.

DH and I had a pretty intense argument this weekend about our parenting choices.  I didn't come across this article until after the argument was mostly resolved, and it's interesting to look at it as a score sheet to see how we did and what room there is for improvement.

1. Harsh Startup
The inciting incident was fairly dramatic, but we both retreated to our corners quickly before too many hurtful words were said, and we didn't attempt to resolve things until later that night when we had both calmed down.

2. Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling
We each had complaints, but refrained from making personal attacks.  Probably the worst thing that happened is DH's tendency to get sarcastic and exaggerate to make his points.  I gave in and snarked back a few times before we calmed down again.

The argument resolved, or at least got us back to the point where we feel like we are on the same team, so we didn't really deal wih before we dealt with the other stages:

3. Flooding -- Where one partner's negativity overwhelms the other person, making them less able to engage in a meangingful discussion.
4. Body Language -- physical stress responses that go along with flooding, above
5. Failed Repair Attempts -- Earlier in the day, I apologized to DH for my part of the morning's drama.  He said obviously we needed to talk, but he wasn't ready at that moment. 
6. Bad Memories -- This is where the current negativity retroactively dirties all memories of the couple's history together. I've experienced this with other relationships, but thankfully not with DH!

Part of our argument was about our parenting choices.  There are some areas where I have done more research and practice than DH has.  While he thinks gentle discipline is noble, he's not completely made the paradigm shift I have.  He follows my lead for the most part in disciplining C, but there are times when he gets frustrated because he hasn't learned or practiced enough tools.  He said he probably needs to do more reading and learn more.

So, my first response to that was to want to flood him with materials.  Read this!  Watch this!  Discuss this with me!  We both got frustrated and he got a little defensive.

Grace-based living and healthy boundaries mean that I will choose to give DH space to learn at his own pace.  I can point him toward the materials but I'm not his teacher. 

Encouragement through Discouraging Times

I have so much to be thankful for.  So much that is going well: my physical and emotional health are better since going gluten free.  I completed revisions of my novel and am getting great feedback from beta readers.  I have a beautiful daughter, terrific husband.  My garden is thriving, and the caring for the baby chicks I bought this week and planning for their housing has become a very fun family project. 

And yet, there are a few areas where I can tend to get discouraged.

Trying to conceive our second child, for instance.  Woke up this morning to the evidence that we will have to keep trying.

Another is my husband's efforts to build an insurance business.  He's working hard, talking to lots of people, but his efforts are slow to bear fruit. 

And, last but not least, the daily grind of the small tasks of household management and mothering provide plenty of fodder for discouragement.  The bed needs to be made ... again.  The toddler made a mess ... again.  My firm and kind response to a typical toddler behavior wasn't a miracle cure ... she's still a toddler and I need to provide that same kind and firm response the next time it happens, even if it's minutes later.

It's easy to lose focus and get tired and discouraged!

I love how God speaks through others to deliver a word to us right when we need to hear it. 

This morning's sermon drew from 1 Kings 19.  Elijah just finished the battle on Mount Carmel with the prophets of Baal.  God won, and for a brief moment it looked like the people's hearts and even Ahab's heart might be turning back toward God.  Then, Jezebel puts out a death warrant for Elijah and he runs for his life. 

From the highest high he goes to the lowest low, a fugitive alone out in the wilderness, praying to God that his life would end now. 

As James says, I'm of like nature or like passion with Elijah.  How many times have I been in the same place, sitting under my figurative broom tree, having a pity party because things didn't turn out like I planned, feeling alone in my efforts.   My lament is similar to his:  "I've had it!" "I give up!"  "I'm the only one doing XYZ!  Doesn't anyone help out around here?" "Is this really what you want Lord if there's no fruit?"
   
That kind of discouragement comes when I focus on my own efforts and my own expectations of what results those efforts should yield.  It comes when I despise the small things and think I'm ready to move on to bigger things. 

God's response is to Elijah is so tender, so gentle.  He sends the angel of the Lord to touch, feed, and minister to Elijah.  He graciously shows Elijah that indeed he is not alone in serving Him. 

God has called me to be faithful with the small things he's given me.  To love my husband body and soul and accept whatever children He blesses us with in His time.  To pray for, encourage and support my husband as he builds his business and make it possible for him to focus on that by how I manage my share of the household work.  To do my part and trust God to do His part.

That truly encouraged me this morning, and I share it here to solidify it in my own heart and in the hope it may encourage someone else.

The disciplines of a healthy marriage

God has blessed me above and beyond what I could hope or imagine (see Ephesians 3:20) in many ways, but especially with the gift of my husband (here after referred to as DH).

He is a strong, gentle, romantic, hard working, loyal, loving man after God's own heart. He has a heart for serving others. As the old song says, we work with each other side by side, and we walk with each other hand in hand through this life.

I would say our marriage is basically strong, but we are going through a lot right now. DH lost his job about 6 weeks ago. He's been on three interviews, and we are still waiting to hear back on two of them. The one he has heard back from is an opportunity to be an insurance agent, which while a great opportunity and something he has longed to do, is scary because it means stepping out in faith to the unknown: building a business from scratch and living on commission.

A related issue that adds extra stress is the need to move. We can no longer afford our condo, and we would like to relocate somewhere closer to DH's family a few hours north of where we are now. We have listed our home for sale. We are working hard to get it ready to show, which is certainly a challenge with a toddler who either wants to get into everything or needs to be held! We have gotten calls and letters from our lender regarding our missed payment and that isn't much fun either.

If we go the route of insurance agency, which it is looking more and more like the longer we don't hear back from the other two interviews, we'll have to move in with family, either DH's parents or his bachelor youngest brother who happens to have a 3BR house. While I'm willing to do that for the greater good, I'm also not exactly looking forward to being a long-term guest in someone's home.

The eczema issue with Pookaloo has been stressful too. It's hard to see her like that, and it also can be draining and frustrating to deal with her extra fussiness/neediness and tantrums. We've also disagreed a bit about what approach to take to treatment.

As a result of all this, there have been a few more fights than usual. We're both dealing with the stress in our own ways and since we are both introverts, that means we're connecting a little less right now.

I'm finding that now more than ever it is important to be intentional and disciplined, if you will, about the things that have made our marriage great and will keep it healthy.

• Communication and honest sharing of feelings
• Humble hearts that are slow to anger, quick to apologize and quick to forgive
• Words of affirmation
• Small kindnesses
• Kisses, hugs, hand holding, just sitting together
• Turning away from the TV and computer and toward each other
• Taking walks together
• Laughter
• Sex