52 Tool Cards: Hugs

Children do better when they feel better, and so do you.  Hugs help us feel better.

This week I came across a sweet social story about a giraffe baby and mama over at Mama Psalmist.  She introduces it this way:

This is a story I've been telling Adelaide at bedtime.  I'm hoping that if I tell myself stories about a patient, calm mother who handles an unruly young one with grace, I might start to be just like that mama.

I read this story to C and it was an instant hit!

"Read it again!" C asked over and over.  Soon I had the basics of the story memorized and was able to tell it to her a few different times throughout the day without reading the blog.

And, it had the effect Mama Psalmist intended in encouraging me to be a more patient, calm mother.

At bedtime last night, C had a hard time.  She wanted Daddy to brush her teeth, she wanted Daddy to put on her pajamas, and circumstances did not allow Daddy to do it.  I calmly empathized with her while I continued moving her through the routine:

"You wanted Daddy to do it, and Mama is doing it.  I can see you are upset about that."

Her teeth were brushed, and her pajama top was on, but now she was so upset that her limbs were flailing and it would be difficult to get her diaper or pajama bottoms on without using excessive physical force.

I saw that I would need to help her calm down.  Then I remembered the story about Gertie the giraffe.

"Would you like mama to hold you until you feel better?" I offered.

She snuggled up on my lap, still crying.

Soon she had calmed down quite a bit.  She asked if she could wait until later to put her diaper on.  I decided this was reasonable.  We lay down and snuggled and she quickly fell asleep.  Before I left the room, I put her diaper and pajama bottoms on.

I think the bedtime routine could have been even more peaceful if I had remembered to offer to sit with her and help her calm down even earlier, when I first saw that she was getting upset and losing control of her emotions.

52 Tool Cards: Teach Children What to Do

The root word of discipline is "disciple" which means "to teach."  Effective teaching focuses on what TO do versus what not to do (see my previous posts on Distract and Redirect, Take Time For Training, Practice and Small Steps for more discussion of this concept and related ideas).

Instead of telling young children what NOT to do, teach them what they CAN do.  

Demonstrating the action along with the words is most effective.  For example, instead of "Don't hit," say "Gentle touches," while you take their hand and demonstrate.  Then reinforce the lesson by asking them to show you their gentle touches.

If you have a rule about not throwing balls in the house, then you can teach them what to do with the ball in the house instead of throwing it.  Perhaps rolling it on the floor is acceptable to you.  Show them how to roll it on the floor and play a few rounds of pass it back and forth to reinforce the lesson.

If the child later forgets and throws instead of rolls, do another round of reminding and practicing.  Or, you can say, "Looks like you're having trouble remembering to roll the ball instead of throw it.  How about we go outside together and throw for a while?"  Or put the ball away for the time being and redirect to a totally different activity.

Throwing is often a seemingly irresistible action to your child.  After all, toddlers have a strong drive to achieve developmental milestones and experiment with the world around them, and throwing is part of that.  So it might be a good idea to provide them something that they CAN throw indoors without the worry of breaking something.  Something not very aerodynamic may fit the bill, like a small bean bag or a lightweight foam ball.

52 Tool Cards: Understand the Brain

When people are upset, they access the fight/flight part of their brains.


1) Do not try to solve a problem when you or your child are upset.
2) Wait until after a cooling off period (positive time-out) when you can both access your rational brains.
3) Putting the problem on the family meeting agenda (or asking your child to) is another way to allow for a cooling off period.

This video illustrates this concept in a very memorable way.


The video talks more about how to use positive time-out as well.

If you want to learn more about the brain science underlying child development, you may want to check out this article by Melissa Healy published in the Los Angeles Times in 2009  that explains how the same lack of frontal cortex development that gives kids limited self-control is the key to their ability to learn rapidly in these early years, or this one from Parenting.com that explains the brain science behind toddler temper tantrums (take the punitive discipline advice with a grain of salt though).  Another article from PBS's FRONTLINE talks about adolescent brain development and how it may influence learning and behavior.

52 Tool Cards: Show Faith

When we show faith in our children they develop courage and faith in themselves.

I've been using this tool quite a bit in my parenting lately.

For example, last week I mentioned that C is a little bit bothered by Pake and Beppe's dog, Rosie.  Whenever we go outside, she says, "Carry me.  Rosie is going to lick me."

Sometimes I do carry her.  After all, she will be small and light enough to carry for only so long.

But other times, whether it's because I have my hands full or am feeling tired of picking up an almost 30 pound 3 year old that day or just want to help her build her courage and confidence, I'm encouraging her to walk.

We've talked through what will happen if Rosie licks her.  She will get wet.  She won't like it.  It will feel yucky.  And she will be okay.

We've talked through what she can do to stay away from Rosie.  She can walk quickly to the car before Rosie realizes we are outside.  She can tell Rosie "No" in a firm voice.

C is learning to dress and undress herself.  She has velcro shoes down pat.  She is better at putting on and taking off pants, shorts and skirts than she is at putting on and taking off tops and dresses.  Sometimes she gets in a mood where she doesn't want to try at all.  And increasingly, I'm stepping back and saying I have faith in her.  I tell her I know she can do it.  I may position the clothes in a way that makes it easier to figure out, and may talk her through it, but don't do it for her.  (Of course that is out the window if we're in a hurry!)

C has a little insert for the big toilet that she calls her "booster seat."  She likes me to get it down from the hook by the side of the toilet and put it on the seat for her.  But this week I decided that it is a job she can do herself.  I showed her how to do it, and talked her through how to lift it up off the hook before she pulls it toward herself.  Then I left it on the hook for her to get down.  She protested, but I said I had faith in her and left the bathroom.  And she did it (and knocked the lid off the toilet tank in the process).  Since then when she asks me to do it for her, I'm reminding her that she knows how and ask her to show me.  And she does it for herself.

52 Tool Cards: Curiosity Questions

The curiosity question tool card begins:

Asking instead of telling invites children to think and choose.

Examples given include:

"What do you need to do to be ready for school on time?"
"Oops! What do you need to do about the spilled milk?"
"How can you and your brother solve this problem?"

Since pulling this card this morning, I've noticed that this does not come naturally to me.  I thought I'd consciously choose a situation to give it a try.

We wanted to go over to visit with Pake and watch the finale of So You Think You Can Dance that he saved on the DVR for us.  C had bare feet, and the sidewalk in the Central Valley of California gets hot on an August day.  I wanted C to wear shoes so I wouldn't have to carry her between the houses.

"What do we put on our feet to go outside?" I asked her.  She stared blankly at me.

I repeated the question and pointed her at the shoes laying in the middle of the floor.  She still didn't respond.

"We put shoes on our feet before we go outside." I answered for her, and moved her toward the shoes.  She sat down as if to put them on.  I turned around to add this very story you are now reading to the blog.  When I turned back to her, she not only did not have her shoes on, she had taken her shorts and panties off!

"Why did you take your pants off?" I asked, curiously.

"The tag was poking me," she answered.

I said, "It looks like you need help to get your pants and shoes back on," and began helping her.

We headed out the door.  Though she had shoes on, C begged me to pick her up, saying she was afraid that her grandparent's dog, Rosie, would lick her.

I picked her up and carried her.  I tried another curiosity question.

"What do you think we can do to help you not be afraid of Rosie?" I asked.

"Stop her from licking me," she said.

"Hmm, let's put our thinking caps on and see if we can think of a way to stop Rosie from licking," I said.

Neither one of us could think of anything.  Suggestions welcome!

I wonder if C is a little bit young for curiosity questions, but I think it is a good habit to start.  Even if I have to answer my own questions and support it with other tactics for the time being.
 

A Day in the Life, Part 4

The "Rest" of our Day

We go to visit Pake and help him get his lunch.  C and I read the Sunday comics and play with a baby doll while Pake ate.  Then Pake says he is tired and C says she is tired too and wants to go home.  We cross the yard to our place.  It is nap time.

I planned to help C settle in for her nap.  But, IBS attacks and I urgently need to go.  I put C in her room, closed the door and say I will be right back.  I talk to her from the bathroom across the hall, but she is quite upset and cried hard for me to come back.  As soon as I can I do come back and rock her and help her calm down.  Finally she climbs on her bed and falls asleep.

*I probably should not have locked C in her room.  I was afraid she would get involved in something and we'd miss her naptime window.  Keeping her with me in the bathroom could have been another way to handle it.

From 3 to 4:45 she slept and I did my work at home textbook recording job.

When she wakes up C comes wandering out to find me and I hold her on my lap for a while.  She always has trouble transitioning from nap to awake. 

After about 20 minutes, I get up to started dinner.  C fusses because she still wants me to hold her.  I empathize with her and do hold her again as I can between tasks.  Around 5:30, we have to go help Pake get a bag of IV antibiotics out of the refrigerator and then we come right back home since there is a pot of water heating to boil in the stove.  I finish making dinner for both of us and we eat. 

Part way through dinner I feel silly and start talking like a robot.  I pretend that the robot doesn't know anything about human life and ask C lots of questions, like “what is a mama?” “What is an apple?”  “What do you do for bedtime?”  It was interesting to hear her answers.

C's definition of a mama:

A mama is really really really tall (reaches as high as she can), and I run (gets up from the table and runs a circle around the kitchen and comes back) and she catch me, and she cleans and I watch."

She tells the robot that at bedtime we brush and floss our teeth, put on pajamas, pants and a diaper and read a story. 

She requests I talk like a robot more as we finish eating and clean up after dinner together.  I ask her to show the robot where to go to brush teeth and we go together to the bathroom.  I ask her to show the robot how to brush teeth and floss teeth, and she does a better and more thorough job by herself than usual.  She then says it's time for a story.  In my robot voice I remind her she said pajamas and a diaper came before a story. 

She asks for a snack first, so we go back to the kitchen and she eats half an apple, a spoonful of peanut butter, and a bite of cantaloupe.

  

When she finishes the snack, she asks for me to read the books from the library.  I realize then that we left them at her grandparents’ house.  And, C still doesn't have pajamas or a diaper on.  I tell her to hurry up and get them on so we can go together to visit Pake and Beppe.  I tell her Beppe would be home from work. She cheerfully cooperates with me to get them on because she is excited to see her Beppe. 

I ask her to decide if we will stay 10 minutes or 15 minutes, and showed her I was setting a timer so we would know when to come back home.  She chose 15 minutes.*

*This is a new technique I came up with spur of the moment yesterday.  Going to Pake and Beppe's house can be an ordeal because it is hard to get C to leave.  She loves reading books with Beppe and playing with the special toys they have over there.  I'm happy with how well it worked and will use it again in the future.

Beppe wants to read C the books, and we have time for her to read three stories.  We say our goodnights and goodbyes just as the timer beeps to say the 15 minutes are up.

Back at our house, we climb in bed and read the stories again until it's too dark to read (around 8).

Then it is time to lay down and go to sleep.  But C can't or won't sleep.  Whether because of her later nap or because she's waiting for her Daddy to come home or a little of both, she just keeps flopping around the bed and never relaxing into sleep though I rub her back and sing songs and lay still and play dead.  Eventually, she starts saying, “I want my Daddy back.” 

At 8:55 I hear DH sneeze. C hasn't moved for a while so I think she may be asleep.  I shift my arm out from under her head.  A few moments later, C says, “What was that noise? Daddy sneezed?”  

I tell C I need to check on something and will be right back.  I go to find DH and tell him to go say goodnight to C and help her fall asleep.  He says he got home around 8 but didn’t want to rile her up by interrupting our routine.  

I think in the future, as long as she is awake, it will be better for him to come in.  I could almost feel her strain to keep awake so she could see him before falling asleep.  She was out within 15 minutes once he came in.

Go back and read Parts 1, 2, and 3

A Day in the Life, Part 3

The Library
We arrive at the library.  As I get C out of the car, I talk to her about the rules for the library, which are, “inside voices,” and “walk not run.”  I let her put the book we are returning into the slot and then we go to the children’s section.  She goes to look out the window and talk to a little girl while I use the digital card catalog to request a book on inter-library loan.

She says, “Hey, Mom!” in a voice to be heard from across the room.  I put my fingers to my lips to remind her to use an inside voice, and she repeated, “hey mom” in a quiet voice.  I moved to her side so she could talk to me without feeling like she needed to yell.  We go together to look at picture books and found two Eric Carle books she hadn’t seen before.  I'm getting hungry and want to go to lunch. 

“Do you want these?” I urge her.

“Yes!”

“Ok, let’s go check them out and go to Aero Dogs," I say, gathering our things to go.

“No, I don’t want those,” she quickly says and grabs the books out of my hand.

I know she likes those books.  What's going on?  It dawns on me that we hadn't been at the library that long and she may not be as ready to go as I am.  “Do you really not want them, or is it just that you want to stay longer at the library?” I asked.

“I want to stay longer,” she agrees.

“Ok, we can stay for ten more minutes and then still get these books.”

She starts playing with the wooden puzzles the library leaves out for kids, and I go back to the digital card catalog to look for a book that I could check out today.  She takes her puzzle across the room to a high table with a bar stool and starts talking to another older girl, and then she toddles across the room to get a puzzle for the older girl too.  When I'm ready to go look for my book, I go to the table.  

She isn't ready to come with me.  I suggest we put the puzzle together one more time and then go find Mama’s book.  She agrees.

I carry her on my hip, Eric Carle books in my other hand.  She is very interested in the library’s study rooms.  When we reach the Non-Fiction section, she gets down and goes back to the end of the aisle to look in the window of one of the study rooms. 

“Come here, mama, I want to show you something,” she says. 

I find my book and join her at the end of the aisle.  She tells me to look in the window at the study room.  I comply, then guide her with a hand on her back toward the checkout, but then she veers away to look at the desks and chairs we pass by.  She climbs in the chair and asked me to read her one of the Eric Carle books.  We read it twice through, and then I tell her it is time to go.  I ask her if she can help me push in the desk chairs.

Instead, she climbs under the desk and comes out the other side.  I walk around the other side and ask her to help me push in that chair instead. 

We start to head toward the checkout again, my hand on her back to guide her, but this time a copy machine draws her attention.  We look at it for a minute or so and then I pick her up and carry her on my hip as I head toward the checkout again.

She starts to fuss and try to wiggle down.  I set her down and get down at her level.  I tell her that it is time to go.  There is a sign that says to take crying children and cell phone calls outside.  I tell her about the sign, and say if she couldn’t calm herself down and cooperate with me while we checked out the books, we’ll have to leave the books there.

“But I want to stay longer!” she said.

I say, "It would be fun to stay longer, but that isn’t a choice right now.  It is time to leave.  You have a choice: You can choose to cooperate with me and then we can leave with our books, or you can choose to fight and then we have to leave without the books."

She calms down walks with me toward the checkout desk.  I direct her to a bench across from the desk where she can sit to wait. 

Lunch

After we check out, we go to lunch at Aero Dogs.  She wants me to hold her hot dog and feed it to her.  I do the first two bites and then show her how to hold it herself.  She acts as the unofficial welcoming committee as she says hi to all the customers and even asks some of them for their names.

I finish, and C is only halfway through her meal when DH shows up.  The owners of Aero Dogs are his insurance customers and he happened to have a meeting with them at this time, unbeknownst to me.

Our family spends some time chatting with the owner outside the restaurant.  C delights in going up and down the ramp to the platform in front of the plane’s ordering window. 

When it's time to go, I tell C we are going to go check on Pake (pronounced pah-kuh), which is what she calls DH’s dad.  She asks her Daddy for a hug and kiss goodbye.  He buckles her in and we drive off.

After a few blocks, she starts to fuss. “I wanted to wave goodbye to Daddy!  Let’s go back!” 

I empathize with her that she forgot to wave goodbye and then asked if she could blow Daddy a wave like she blows kisses.  From the back seat I hear her making blowing noises, and she is content the rest of the ride home.

Coming up: The Rest of our Day

Go back and read Part 1 or Part 2

A Day in the Life, Part 2

10:00 I put away laundry from yesterday in the bedroom while C continues playing in her room and DH sits at the dining table paying bills.  C comes in periodically to involve me or ask for help with her pretend play. 

10:15 I look for my brown flip flops that I misplaced yesterday and C helps me look.  "I know where they are!" she says, and runs for the shoe shelves in my closet.  Didn't find them, but while we’re at it I straighten my shoe shelves a little.  I tell C a different pair of shoes will work just as well and put them on.

10:20 I go to the kitchen and get a glass of water and take my vitamins and sit at the table with DH.  C brings over a puppet and asks me to make it talk to her.  It’s a dog puppet so I have it sing all the songs I can think of involving dogs: BINGO, How Much is that Doggy in the Window, Where or Where Has My Little Dog Gone?, A Great Big Dog Lives On My Street.

10:30 I fix a snack of orange and apple slices; DH is still paying bills.  While I’m fixing the snack, DH says “Here,” and tosses me a crumpled piece of paper from the bills for me to throw away.  

When I have my back turned, C says “Here” and throws my empty cup of water into the kitchen!  “Did Daddy set a bad example for you?” I say.

When we start eating our snack, I tell C in 15 minutes it will be time to go potty and find shoes so we are ready to leave for the library.

10:45 spend time on GCM and Facebook instead of getting C ready.  C goes back to playing in her room.  I hear some loud noises from her room that sound suspiciously like dumping out all her toys.

11:00 Decide to get off the computer to move C through the steps we need to get out the door.

I go into C’s room to find that she has indeed dumped out four bins of toys.  I tell her we need to tidy up before we go to the library and sit down to help her.  I do some of the work and hand her things to put away to keep her involved.

11:15 We go potty before heading out the door.  Instead of just pulling her pants down, C takes them all the way off and requests the skirt instead.  I help her put on the skirt.

11:20 DH is about to go too so C and I wait a little so we can all go out together and wave goodbye.  DH is getting a Band-Aid for a sore on his elbow and C requests one too.  He puts one on an old scab on her foot.  DH asks me if I will go to the post office for him while we are out, and I decide to take a stained and torn dress of C’s to the dry cleaners for cleaning and repair.

11:25 We make it out to the car.  As I’m buckling her in, C says she is hungry and asks for more apple slices.  I go inside to get them while DH finishes buckling her in and then sits in the car to talk to C until I get back.

11:30 C and I depart for our errands.  I listen to the radio for a while then C says, “Talk to me mama.” So I turn it off and talk about what we’ll be doing on our errands.  I tell her that first we’ll go to the post office, then the dry cleaners and then the library.  We go over it several times with many questions why about each step followed with questions why to each answers.  Whenever I get tired of answering “why?” I say, “What do you think?” or “What did mama say?” 

We drive by the mailboxes outside the post office and drop the bills in the slot.  On the way to the dry cleaners, we pass by Aero Dogs, a hotdog stand in an old silver airplane that some friends of ours just took over.  I ask C if she’d like to stop there for lunch.  "First we’ll go to the library, then Aero Dogs for lunch!” I say.

“No, first the dry cleaners,” she corrects me.

At the dry cleaners, I carry C in and rest her butt on the counter and keep my arms around her while I talk to the clerk.  While we’re waiting for the clerk to check with the seamstress if she can handle our requested repair, C pushes her foot against my stomach, trying to get more space. 

“I don’t like you kicking me,” I say, “that hurts.”  I attempt to give her space and move out of range of her foot while still keeping a hold of her on the counter.

“I’m not kicking. I’m pushing you with my foot,” she replies, and pushes with her foot one more time to demonstrate or get more space.

“When you push with your foot it is called kicking, and it hurts,” I say.  I take her off the counter and put her on my hip to change the situation.    

I decide I will let her get down.  I say, “You may walk around on this side of the counter,” and guide her back away from the entrance to the work area that she was curiously gaping at and walking toward.  “That is really interesting, isn’t it?” I say.  "Here, I'll hold you up so you can see better."  I pick her up again and talk with her for a little while about all the different types of clothes we see. 

The clerk comes back and takes my information and tells me the dress will be ready in a week.  I ask her if she can give me an estimate of the cost.  The clerk says it will be just a moment more while she looks it up. 

So I set C down again and she goes over to the two candy vending machines. “What’s this?” she asks.  

“Looks like candy,” I say.  She hasn't yet learned that money will get the candy out of the machine and doesn't know she can ask for it.  She does want to know the names of the types of candy, so I tell her.

Then the clerk tells me the price, which I think is fair, so we head out the door and get back in the car.

The whole drive to the library (all one block :p) C repeatedly asks me why we went to the dry cleaners and why the dress was dirty and needed to be fixed.  As soon as I finish answering she starts the series of questions again*.  

*I answered the questions straightforwardly but now looking back on it, it was our first trip to the dry cleaners.  Maybe she wanted to talk more about what she had seen there and "why" was the only way she knew to express her curiosity about questions like, "What happens at a dry cleaners?  How does it work?"

Next up ... Library and Lunch

or go back and read Part 1

A Day in the Life, Part 1

Ashley of TwentySixCats suggested the idea for this blog post.  Thanks Ashley!

The idea is just a no-holds-barred play-by-play of my day attempting to parent gently and non-violently using positive discipline tools.  Like most days, on August 10, 2011 there were shining moments where I was the parent I want to be and struggling moments where I    fumbled for the best way to respond.

Here we go! 

Waking and Breakfast

7:15 C wakes up in bed between DH and me.  Says she is hungry.  DH and I hold still and hope she goes back to sleep.  She does.

7:45 C wakes up again.  Says she is hungry and asks for breakfast.  She and DH get out of bed.  I stay in bed for another 10 minutes.  I overhear DH ask C if she wants the yellow bowl or the blue bowl this morning*  C takes off her pajamas to go potty and eats breakfast naked.

*C wasn't responding well to being presented with a choice at that point in her morning.  I think if I had been there I would have just picked a bowl for her and if she protested, then let her pick a different bowl.

8:00 I put away dishes from the dishwasher while C eats her cereal and DH checks email.  When I’m done with the dishwasher, I pour myself a bowl and join C at the table.  As I’m finishing up, she asks for a second bowl.  When we’re done, DH scrambles some eggs for himself.  I clean off the top of the refrigerator and find a mini-kite we had bought for C a few weeks ago.  She wants to put it together but the instructions have been lost.  She and DH try to figure it out while his eggs cook.  When she unravels the string and runs away, DH asks her to bring it back and I come from the kitchen to help her comply.  She wants to fly the kite now.  It’s not windy today.  We promise her we’ll take it to the beach with us on Saturday and put the kite away.

9:00 C and I discuss what we will do today. C wants to go roller skating (even though she’s never been) because she remembers we got passes for a local rink as part of a Groupon deal.  I look up their hours online.  They are open 1 to 4 today but open at 10 tomorrow, so we decide to go roller skating tomorrow and go to the library today.  We look for the library book that needs to be returned.  When we find it, C wants me to read it.  I say I will read once and then we will go get dressed so we can go to the library.

*Reading this, I wonder if maybe C and I would both benefit from more structure/routine to our days and weeks.  But then again, I resist that time and time again and prefer flexibility, spontaneity and go with the flow.

9:15 When I finish reading the story she asks me to read it again.  I remind her that it’s time to go get dressed.  We go to her room and I pick out panties and a dress for her.  When I start to put the dress over her head she pushes it away and protests that she doesn’t want to wear a dress today.  I pick out pants and a shirt instead. 

*With hindsight, I should have offered her a choice up front.  She is getting more particular about what she wears and having a say in it.

A Setback 

9:20 I prepare to take a shower and ask DH if he’d rather go first.  He tells me to go ahead.  While I’m in the shower, C gets a cup from the kitchen, climbs up on the bathroom counter and starts to play with water, getting her pants soaking wet in the process. 

*Aaargh!  I felt frustrated that DH let this happen while he was right there.

9:25 I get out of the shower and put on a towel. I say calmly that I am frustrated at having to get C dressed twice (both C and DH can hear me), then, still in my towel, take her to her room to get new panties and pants.  When I put her down, she runs away to the living room.  I go find her and put a pair of panties on her, then tell her that after I get dressed I will be back to help her put on the pants.  

*At this point I was starting to feel angry at her for "making a production out of" (a phrase from my family of origin, yikes) getting dressed, and told I'd be back to give myself some time to calm down and approach the situation with a fresh attitude.

9:30 I get dressed and sit down to start writing this day in the life report while DH is in the shower.  I still need to put pants on C, and at this point I'm procrastinating. I look up the hours of the library while I’m at the computer.  They don’t open until 11.

9:40 I still need to put pants on C.  DH is in his towel, playing puppets and dressups with C and going on an imaginary trip to Disneyland.  I suggest to C that if she gets dressed quickly she can go outside with me to tend the chickens, but she seems more interested in playing. I let her stay with DH and go outside and tend the chickens.

I Finally Get C Some Pants

9:50 When I get back inside, DH goes to get dressed and C continues playing pretend in her room alone.  I tidy up the kitchen and wipe down the outside of the refrigerator, then go find C and tell her it is time to put on some pants.  “Do you want to wear this blue skirt or these Dora pants?” I ask.

“Not yet,” she says.

“Now is a good time so you will be ready to go outside and wave to Daddy after he gets dressed.”

“Hold on*,” she says.  She is in the middle of playing with a set of makeup brushes.

*She says this in exactly the tone of voice DH and I use on her when we want her to give us a minute to respond to her requests.  Hmmm...

“OK, you can finish with the brushes and then it will be time to pick out pants.”

She finishes with the brushes and starts to move to pick out a new toy.  I gently touch her arm and guide her back to where I’m sitting with the two choices.  “You can choose this blue skirt or the Dora pants,” I say again.

“The pants fall down,” she says.

“That’s right, they were loose last time we wore them.  You can use the pants with a belt, or the skirt.  Which do you choose?”

“I want a belt,” she says.

“OK, let’s put the pants on first and then I’ll find the belt for you.”

She cooperates with getting the pants on.  I find the belt and then ask her to help hold her shirt and the long sparkly bead necklaces and fabric lei she is wearing out of the way while I thread the belt through the loops on her pants.  When we finish, I pull the belt tight and ask her if the pants feel like they will stay up now.  She says yes. 

“We got dressed.  Give me five.  Thanks for working together!” I say. 

Whew!  We got through our morning routine.  Coming up in Part Two ... getting out the door and running a few errands.

52 Tool Cards: Eye to Eye

Ever experienced this common scenario?

You’re on the couch, reading a magazine.  Or you’re in the middle of making dinner.  Either way, you’re busy and don’t want to stop what you’re doing. 

Meanwhile, across the room, your child is doing something you’d rather he not be doing. 

You don’t want to stop what you’re doing, so you yell instructions to your child from across the room.

Your child doesn’t respond.  He continues with what he was doing.

You feel frustrated.  Now you have to stop what you are doing and go help your child to stop the behavior.  You might feel angry and disrespected because your child didn’t listen.

Meanwhile, your child was so involved in what he was doing, that he didn’t really register what you yelled from across the room.  Yes, he knows you yelled something at him.  He may even be feeling disrespected and irritated at being yelled at, activating his instinctive counterwill.

Then again, because children’s brains work differently and more slowly than ours, he may not even have finished processing the content of your message yet, as he must before he can begin to respond.  

A third possibility is that, after living in a household where this scenario is repeated many times a day, he knows your action point won’t arrive until you actually come across the room.  To him, your yell is a warning shot and he can keep doing what he is doing until you actively intervene. 

As you can see and have likely experienced for yourself, yelling from across the room at a child is an exercise in frustration for both of you. 

The Eye to Eye tool card reminds us that respectful communication involves approaching a person closely enough to see their eyes before you begin to speak.

With very young children, it is even more helpful to get down onto their level and touch them on the shoulder before speaking.

Parenting involves many sacrifices.  It can be difficult to make the choice to stop what we are doing in order to approach our children this way, but it is worth it.  We are the ones with maturity and the greater ability to stop ourselves.  It is our responsibility to do that so that we can effectively help our children stop themselves from unwanted, unkind or dangerous behavior and teach them what TO do instead. 

So say tonight, you’re making dinner and your child is once again across the room, doing something you’d rather he not do.

Take a deep breath.   Acknowledge to yourself that you’d rather not have to stop making dinner, and then make the choice to stop.  Turn off the fire if necessary. 

Go to your child.  Get down to his level and touch him on the shoulder before you speak.  Make eye contact.  

When you do speak, notice how you naturally speak more softly, more respectfully when you can see his eyes. 

Then, state the boundary, provide the correction and redirect him to a different activity.  

Perhaps the best redirection of all is to involve him in helping you make dinner!

52 Tool Cards: Back Talk

The headline of this tool card is:

Don't back talk back

What is back talk? Every parent probably has a slightly different definition. For some very strict parents, it may be anything other than a "Yes, ma'am," delivered with a sincere smile. For others, it's questioning a command, responding with a rude attitude. Rolling eyes, a contemptuous tone of voice, sassiness or bossiness all can trigger a reflex reaction in parents of "How dare you speak to me that way!"

In reading Nurture Shock, I learned that kids learn this type of relational aggression from watching adults interact, and from television programming where characters talk to each other unkindly.

Jane Nelsen notes that speaking rudely back only creates a "power struggle or revenge cycle." We as parents have the power to break the cycle.
When a child speaks rudely, it's important to keep our cool and model an alternative way of handling things.

Some suggestions from Ms. Nelsen:

1) Validate feelings. "Sounds like you are really angry."
2) Take responsibility for your part. "I realize I talked disrespectfully to you by sounding bossy or critical."
3) Let's take some time to calm down until we can be respectful.

I asked for other suggestions from my wise mama friends and here's a summary of their feedback:

• Provide an alternative script for how to kindly communicate their disagreement or question and say, "try again."
• Ashley Van Otterloo of Simple Gifts suggests to ask them if they meant to sound angry ... kids who are immature in their communication and testing out the power of words need our guidance and feedback.
• In the case when the negative language persists, Ashley follows up by saying "You're out of control of your mouth. I'm going to leave now, to help you keep from being hurtful/unkind."

Related reading:

• Dulce de Leche shares her personal experience as a back-talking child.
• Ask Moxie's summary of Chapter 7: The Science of Teen Rebellion from Nurture Shock covers a relevant point: kids who argue with their parents see it as good for the relationship and you may want to read her summary of Chapter 9: Plays Well With Others as well.

52 Tool Cards: Practice

This card goes along with another we've already reviewed: Take Time For Training

I use this tool to help C succeed in social situations by practicing through play. For example, we use puppets to practice meeting someone new and starting a conversation and asking them their name.

We also practice taking turns with toys and how to respond when another child tries to grab her toy, and how to redirect herself when she feels like grabbing a toy another child has. How to ask, "May I have a turn?" and how she can respond if the child says yes or the child says no.

The tool card focuses on practicing things like daily routines. That's one I haven't tried yet. But I can see how it would be fun to do with C -- she loves to play pretend with putting her babies to bed and getting them back up, and it wouldn't be that hard to join her and direct the play a bit so it more closely resembles our daily routines.

52 Tool Cards: Kind AND Firm

I've written about the concept of being Kind AND Firm on this blog before.

As described by Dr. Laura Markham at Aha! Parenting, Positive discipline avoids extremes of marshmallow soft permissive parenting and harsh strict authoritarian parenting by striving to combine kindness and firmness.

To be kind means to validate feelings and show understanding.  It can be kind to offer a choice and allow your child freedom in "how" something gets accomplished. 

To be firm means to follow through on enforcing the boundary or making the request happen.

Using the word "and" in communicating with children instead of "but" can be helpful.

Here are some examples from the card:

1) I know you don't want to brush your teeth, AND we can do it together.

2) You want to keep playing, AND it is time for bed.  Do you want one story or two?

3) I love you, AND the answer is, "No."

The correct balance between kindness and firmness will vary for each child, and even for the same child at different phases of development and circumstances.  It is a dance that requires practice and like most of parenting, is best undertaken with a lot of prayer and requests for supernatural wisdom and discernment.

Scared Sleepless

Today C went swimming for the first time in almost a year. She wore floaties for the first time and greatly enjoyed brief stints of independence kicking and floating within arms' reach of one or both parents.

Then we had dinner poolside. C wanted to go back in the water, but we redirected her away from the edge. After everyone finished their dinner, we were getting ready to go and stood with C a few feet from the edge of the pool. She had her floaties off. She got past us and ran into the pool and straight off the edge of the step. She began to sink.

It was just like they say in all the "Signs of Drowning: Not What You Think"  articles and videos that have been shared on Facebook and elsewhere lately. She didn't splash or cry out. She was just sinking.

Thankfully DH reacted quickly and got her out seconds after she fell in. Terrified, she clung to me for reassurance. She kept saying, "I didn't like falling in."

At bedtime she was restless, still clinging to me. She would fall asleep but then awake with a startle response or a moan. Once she repeated, "I didn't like falling in," and then it struck me that she might be having flashbacks and bad dreams about the moment she went under.

C has never really been what most would call a "good sleeper", but waking that frequently was out of character for her. Tonight God blessed me with an extra measure of patience and understanding and I didn't lose my temper even though she disturbed my sleep. It probably helped that I knew exactly what was going on.

But there have been times when she sleeps just as poorly that I haven't been so patient, mostly because I couldn't identify a cause at that time.  If I tell myself that because I can't see a cause, she must just be "fighting sleep," I get more and more frustrated that she just won't cooperate and go to sleep already! 

On those days, I might assume she is "doing it on purpose," because the times she has fallen asleep easily shows that "she knows better."   That line of thinking leads me to respond with anger, impatience or even punishment.

But eventually an underlying cause always comes out. She gets sick the next day, or I notice swollen gums indicative of teething, etc.

I was reminded in some reading at Gentle Christian Mothers today to treat misbehavior (especially misbehavior that is a bit "out of character") as a symptom that prompts me to investigate potential underlying cause and then remedy it. The acronymn HALT is a good place to start:

Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired

For C, I've found that "Needs to Go Potty" and "Scared" are two others I could add to that list.

So, back to tonight. When I realized how scared she still was, I asked her if she had been having bad dreams. She said yes, and repeated that she didn't like falling in the pool. I got her up and took her potty (just in case that was contributing to the restlessness), and then when we got back in bed, I prayed with her, thanking Jesus for sending Daddy to her rescue and keeping her safe at the pool and asking him to protect her mind from any more bad dreams.

She snuggled up to me and I felt her relax and begin to breathe deeply in a way she hadn't since the incident at the pool. She quickly fell into a deep sleep.

Me, not so much.  I'm writing this post at 3 in the morning because I was having trouble sleeping too (some digestive problems, and also I was wound up with adrenaline from the close call and caffeine from all the ice tea I drank poolside).

I'm bound to be tired tomorrow.  I can use HALT on myself if I start getting impatient or cranky, and use some self-talk to coach myself through the rough parts of the day and make sure I grab a nap with C to stave off the late afternoon grumpy grouchies.

52 Tool Cards: Control Your Behavior

Jane Nelsen writes on this tool card:

Example is the best teacher.

Do you expect your children to control their behavior when you don't control your behavior?

This card hit home this week.

Between grieving the due date that just past and dealing with my period and a touch of the stomach flu, I started the week with a short fuse. My self-control for limiting my consumption of media and keeping up with household chores was at an all-time low and the internet sucked up far too much attention that C needed and wanted.

When she whined and acted up to get my attention, I snapped at her. Truth be told, I snapped at her about almost everything on Monday and Tuesday. Even when I wasn't yelling, I had a nasty impatient tone to my voice whenever I spoke to her. C dished it right back to me, and I started to feel like I didn't like being around her much, which just perpetuated the cycle.

The Holy Spirit began gently nudging me. Would I like it if someone spoke that way to me? How could I get my anger under control? I felt convicted but didn't change much.

On Wednesday, the Holy Spirit used the Carnival of Gentle Discipline to nudge me a little harder. Specifically, a post from Positive Parenting: Toddlers and Beyond, Mirror Mirror in My Bed. I saw myself in that post, and it was humbling.

Then later that morning I randomly selected a tool card to see what I would be blogging about this week ... and Control Your Behavior came up.

Okay, Holy Spirit, I got the message. I repented of my attitude and behavior right then.

The card continues:

Create your own special time-out area and let your children know when you need to use it. If you can't leave the scene, count to 10 or take deep breaths. When you make mistakes, apologize to your children.

I apologized to C the next time I caught myself using that nasty impatient tone. (It was easy to tell, because she was using it right back at me!)

I apologized to her for yelling and using a mean voice. "I don't like speaking like that to each other. Let's start over with kind, pleasant voices and words."

There is so much I know about parenting from reading, but putting it into practice is a different story. For example, I know that children are wired to learn by imitating models.

As Becky Bailey writes in Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline,

Yet we often demand that children acquire skills that we ourselves lack ... Parents yell, "Go to your room until you are in control of yourself." A mother grabs a toy that two preschoolers are tussling over and says "You know better than to grab toys from your friends. It's mine now!"

It's so easy to default to not controlling myself, to yell, to grab, to react blindly instead of thoughtfully and creatively responding to the situation at hand. On a related note, check out this humorous post from Demand EUPHORIA.

To succeed at gentle discipline demands personal growth on my part. My friend Dulce de Leche , in another post from this week's Carnival of Gentle Discipline put it so well:

At first when we decided to commit to gentle discipline, I only thought in terms of my children and their behavior. I had no idea how deeply it would change me. I have been forced to deal with a lot of things that I would have preferred to cover up. Things like pride. Anger. Unhealthy boundaries. Self-centeredness. I have had to do some major weeding in my own heart. And that is a very good thing. If spanking had been part of my parenting tool box, it would have been so easy for me to justify revenge on my children for not catering to my pride, for exposing my anger or impatience or even for not being convenient at times.

Being gentle can be very hard work! But I know from posts like Dulce's that the work is well worth it. I've already seen some fruit from our efforts, and can't wait to what more is in store!

52 Tool Cards: Limited Choices

This week's tool card is another one that gets a lot of use in our family.  Giving my words meaning with C means that I have to be willing to make it happen.  Limited choices is one way of making it happen that still gives her some control and gives her a chance to cooperate freely. 

Say it is time to leave the park, and she doesn't want to go.  Not leaving isn't a choice.  So I say, "We had fun at the park.  It is hard to leave.  Do you want to walk to the car or fly?" Or I might say, "Do you want to help me carry the ball or mommy's purse to the car?"

Say it is time to brush teeth, and she isn't interested.  I say, "It's time to brush your teeth.  Do you want to use your Dora toothbrush or your Winnie the Pooh toothbrush?"  Or I might say, "Do you want your turn first or should I take my turn first?"

Of course, she may not take the bait.  She may still say she does not want to leave or does not want to brush her teeth. 

In that case I say, "Staying is not a choice," or "Not brushing teeth is not one of your choices," and then I repeat what the choices are.

Jane Nelsen recommends adding "You decide," and giving the child a little space to make up their mind. 

Sometimes C offers her own choice.  At the park she may say, "I want to catch you," which means that I pretend to be running away from her toward the car complete with mock expressions of horror about how fast she is and how I hope I can get away.   Halfway there she might run ahead and say, "Now catch me!" 

I love that we are on the same team and she is free and empowered to come up with creative solutions to living within our family's boundaries.

Asking "Is this Punitive?" is missing the point

Need to read and re-read this post on Gentle Christian Mothers.

52 Tool Cards: Avoid Pampering

This week's tool card is Avoid Pampering. 

Here's my favorite quote from the card:

One of the greatest gifts you can give your children is to allow them to develop the belief, "I am capable."

So, the trick is, what is pampering and what is legitimate help?  It comes down to knowing my child.  When I decide whether help would be pampering, I have to keep in mind what are C's capabilities, both overall and under specific conditions.  What things can she do by herself all the time, and what things does she need a little scaffolding (ala Vygotsky's theory of the Zone of Proximal Development) to accomplish?

Just now, C is providing me the perfect real life example. 

She brought me a baby doll and asked me to help her take off its pajamas.  I know that she has taken off the pajamas by herself before without a problem.  But I also know that today she has a little bit of a cold and a lower tolerance for frustration. 

So I encouraged her.

"You want to undress your baby.  You're frustrated because it's not coming off easily this time.  Keep trying.  I know you can do it."

"Help me! Help me! I can't do it." she whined and started to cry.

I reminded her that I can't understand a whiny voice and to use her strong voice.

"Mama, will you please help me?" she said very pleasantly.

"How about I hold the baby steady so you can use two hands to get off the pajamas?"

She makes a half-hearted attempt at tugging on the pajamas. "I can't do it! Help me!"

"Here, use this hand to pull the baby's arm up and this hand to pull the sleeve down, like this.  See? You did it.  I bet you can figure out how to get the other sleeve off."

She fiddled with it for a minute and brought it back to me with another whiny, "I can't do it!  Help me!"

Another reminder to use a strong voice.

"Mama, can you please hold the baby again for me?"

I held it.  She tried again, but got mixed up and pushed the sleeve up and pulled the arm down.  I showed her again, without actually doing it, how to pull the sleeve down and the arm up and out.  She tried again and got the second sleeve off this time.

"You did it!  I bet you can figure out how to get the legs off yourself."

She ran off happily to play, and I got to enjoy listening to her sweet voice talking to her doll in imaginiative play while I finished writing this post. 

Fine Line Between Making it Happen and Impatience

I believe a big part of discipline in these early years is "getting off your butt" and "making it happen."  These two tools together teach C that my words have meaning. 
But lately I've been wondering if I'm giving C enough time to process my instruction before swooping in to make it happen.

For example, occassionally she takes off her shirt and drops it on the floor.  I want her to learn to put things in their proper place when she is done with them, and I want my house to be clean.  Bottom line: I want her to pick up the shirt.

I have a lot of options of how to accomplish that.  I can move to her and say, "Shirts go in the hamper.  Pick it up."

I could use a curiosity question and ask, "Where does your shirt belong?"

I can use playful parenting and say, "Oh no! Your shirt is lonely on the floor away from all its friends in the hamper! Let's help it find the right place!" 

Each of those techniques work sometimes.  By "work," I mean that she quickly and cheerfully puts the shirt in the hamper.  Maybe I need to refine that definition a little?

But more often, she doesn't react at all.  She stands there, not moving to pick up the shirt right away.  Other times she may respond by asking "Why?" or saying "I want the shirt to be lonely."

On days when I'm in a hurry or feeling irritable for any number of reasons, I then skip to "The shirt needs to be picked up.  You can choose to pick up the shirt yourself or I will help you do it."

Helping her do it sometimes involves holding her upside down and calling her my "baby vacuum."  She laughs and picks up the shirt. I take her to the hamper and we giggle together as she drops it in.

Helping her do it can mean I pick up the item and put it in her hand and guide her toward the hamper. 

Helping her do it can mean that I help her pick it up, hand over hand and carry her to the hamper and then open her hand so she drops it in.

Other times, I'm in such a hurry or feeling so impatient that I don't even give her a chance to participate.  Two seconds after I ask, if she hasn't started to move, I pick up the shirt and throw it in the hamper myself.   

"Wait! Wait!" she'll protest.  "That was my job!"

If time allows and I'm feeling patient, I might put the shirt down and give her another chance to pick it up.  Other times I will say, "You wanted a chance to pick up the shirt.  You can try again next time."  On really bad days, I might ignore her altogether, which means her protests will escalate into a tantrum.

So much of my response depends on how I'm talking to myself about my parenting and her behavior.  Do I interpret her delay in responding to me as a refusal to obey?  Or could it be that she is just taking longer than I expect to process what I said? 

When she changes her mind, do I view her as "contrary" or as exploring the meaning of opposites?

All that to say, when it comes down to it, I don't believe that happy is the only acceptable emotion and know that of course there will be times when making it happen elicits some big feelings from C no matter how patient and understanding I am.  But a still small voice is telling me that at least some of the time, the big feelings happen because I, out of impatience and selfishness, am exasperating her by not giving her enough time to respond.   

Thoughts and critiques welcome.

52 Tool Cards: Compliments

This weeks tool card is a warm and fuzzy one: compliments. 

Compliments and appreciations bring us closer together.

The key to an effective compliment or praise is that it be specific and focused on actions.

1. Instead of a general "Good job getting ready for school!" try

"I appreciate you quickly you got dressed and ready for school."

2. Instead of "You're a good friend," try

"I noticed how kindly you cared for Anna when she felt sad, I bet it helped her feel better."

Becky Bailey has a lot to say about noticing rather than praising in her book Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline. 

Telling a child you noticed something they did can be more powerful than saying you liked it or appreciated it, especially when you follow it up with a virtue tag, as in the following examples:

• I noticed you how you kept trying even though you were frustrated.  That showed persistence.
• I noticed that you picked all your toys without me asking.  That showed responsibility.
• I noticed you shared your toy with sister.  That was very generous.

Noticing this way reinforces the virtue behind the action, whereas saying you like something they did can inadvertently reinforce people-pleasing. 

Words have power.  What we say and how we say it matters. 

Verses to consider this week:
Ephesians 4:29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 

Ecclesiastes 10:12 Words from a wise man's mouth are gracious, but a fool is consumed by his own lips.

Colossians 4:6 Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.

1 Thessalonians 5:11 Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.