Today C went swimming for the first time in almost a year. She wore floaties for the first time and greatly enjoyed brief stints of independence kicking and floating within arms' reach of one or both parents.
Then we had dinner poolside. C wanted to go back in the water, but we redirected her away from the edge. After everyone finished their dinner, we were getting ready to go and stood with C a few feet from the edge of the pool. She had her floaties off. She got past us and ran into the pool and straight off the edge of the step. She began to sink.
It was just like they say in all the "Signs of Drowning: Not What You Think" articles and videos that have been shared on Facebook and elsewhere lately. She didn't splash or cry out. She was just sinking.
Thankfully DH reacted quickly and got her out seconds after she fell in. Terrified, she clung to me for reassurance. She kept saying, "I didn't like falling in."
At bedtime she was restless, still clinging to me. She would fall asleep but then awake with a startle response or a moan. Once she repeated, "I didn't like falling in," and then it struck me that she might be having flashbacks and bad dreams about the moment she went under.
C has never really been what most would call a "good sleeper", but waking that frequently was out of character for her. Tonight God blessed me with an extra measure of patience and understanding and I didn't lose my temper even though she disturbed my sleep. It probably helped that I knew exactly what was going on.
But there have been times when she sleeps just as poorly that I haven't been so patient, mostly because I couldn't identify a cause at that time. If I tell myself that because I can't see a cause, she must just be "fighting sleep," I get more and more frustrated that she just won't cooperate and go to sleep already!
On those days, I might assume she is "doing it on purpose," because the times she has fallen asleep easily shows that "she knows better." That line of thinking leads me to respond with anger, impatience or even punishment.
But eventually an underlying cause always comes out. She gets sick the next day, or I notice swollen gums indicative of teething, etc.
I was reminded in some reading at Gentle Christian Mothers today to treat misbehavior (especially misbehavior that is a bit "out of character") as a symptom that prompts me to investigate potential underlying cause and then remedy it. The acronymn HALT is a good place to start:
Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired
For C, I've found that "Needs to Go Potty" and "Scared" are two others I could add to that list.
So, back to tonight. When I realized how scared she still was, I asked her if she had been having bad dreams. She said yes, and repeated that she didn't like falling in the pool. I got her up and took her potty (just in case that was contributing to the restlessness), and then when we got back in bed, I prayed with her, thanking Jesus for sending Daddy to her rescue and keeping her safe at the pool and asking him to protect her mind from any more bad dreams.
She snuggled up to me and I felt her relax and begin to breathe deeply in a way she hadn't since the incident at the pool. She quickly fell into a deep sleep.
Me, not so much. I'm writing this post at 3 in the morning because I was having trouble sleeping too (some digestive problems, and also I was wound up with adrenaline from the close call and caffeine from all the ice tea I drank poolside).
I'm bound to be tired tomorrow. I can use HALT on myself if I start getting impatient or cranky, and use some self-talk to coach myself through the rough parts of the day and make sure I grab a nap with C to stave off the late afternoon grumpy grouchies.
Showing posts with label cosleeping. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cosleeping. Show all posts
Friday, July 8, 2011
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
End of an Era
I weaned my little C this week, after 2.75 years.
When I got pregnant, I knew I wanted to breastfeed. Information I learned in breastfeeding classes through Kaiser Permanente strengthened my commitment to give C breast milk exclusively during the first 6 months of her life, and continue to nurse at least for one year as recommended by the American Academy of Pediatrics.
When I made those milestones, I realized that one year was an arbitrary number. C still needed to nurse and it was a pleasant and beneficial part of our relationship. I set my sights on the two years of nursing as recommended by the World Health Organization.
During that second year of breastfeeding, the relationship changed a little. It was a little less pleasant at times, a little less enjoyable. Whenever I had a discomfort, I would set a new limit and harmony would be restored to our relationship. And I kept in mind that two year goal.
Well, two years turned out to be a rather arbitrary number as well. C didn't suddenly lose interest in nursing just because she had celebrated a birthday. I briefly cut her way back in anticipation of complete weaning, but her intense clinginess and other signs of anxiety let me know that she just wasn't ready for that.
I read Mothering Your Nursing Toddler and drew encouragement to keep going. I enjoyed reading the sweet stories of children who self-weaned when they were ready, and thought I'd like to know what C's story would be.
So, I gave her greater access to nursing again for a few months. Then I again got frustrated with our relationship, and wondered if it were affecting my fertility negatively (we have been trying to conceive our second child for a year now). So, I cut her back to three times a day (wake up, nap time and bedtime). This time she readily accepted the limit without repercussions.
Over the past few weeks, though, I realized that even that had become too much for me. I felt ready to have my body back to myself. For a variety of reasons, nursing was increasingly uncomfortable for me. I thought about how in nature, mother animals push away their young who are ready to be weaned. Maybe my body was telling me something worth listening to. At the same time, I noticed that C was showing more signs of readiness for weaning. Sometimes I would offer and she would refuse because something more interesting was going on, and sometimes on very rare occasions she would just forget about it all together.
Somehow when I thought about mother-led weaning, I assumed to be done right, it had to be gradual, or at least have a lot of preparation and talk before hand.
And yet, when I came to the realization that I was ready to wean while nursing C at bedtime the other night, I just wanted it to be done. I told her right then that we were going to say goodbye to nursing. I explained that we wouldn't nurse in the morning, or at nap time or at bedtime, but that she could ask me for cuddles and snuggles whenever she needed them.
The next morning I reminded her no nursing and she protested and tried to pull up my shirt a few times. I held firm and offered to snuggle and hold her hand. She settled for that and went back to sleep.
Later that morning after breakfast, we were talking about babies. She said, "I not baby anymore." (not words I've used with her at all)
I said, "Yes, you're growing up in lots of ways. You don't use diapers anymore and you don't nurse anymore."
She said, "Yeah, I'm getting bigger!" and went off happily to play.
Could it be that easy?
Not exactly.
She has continued to ask to nurse periodically, and has had varied responses to my refusal.
Mid-morning that first day, she just climbed in my lap and started lifting my shirt. I said, "Remember, we don't nurse anymore."
She said without missing a beat, "Can I have a snack instead?"
At lunch time that first day, she tried lifting my shirt again and this time when I said no she wasn't so easy going about it. She actually pounded my chest to show her frustration.
I put her down and said, "I can't let you hit me, but it is OK to be sad and mad about no more nursing because you really liked it." She came back to my lap for snuggles. I wondered how nap time would go, but we just lay down together and not nursing wasn't even an issue.
Bedtime would be the real test, I thought. She did ask and I said no. She threw herself on the floor in tears, and I thought that perhaps we'd both benefit from a bit more formal end, so I told her she could hug and kiss my boobs and say goodbye. She laid her head across both sides of my chest and gave the sweetest little pecks through my shirt.
Instead of trying to get her to sleep in her own bed in her own room, though, I just had her start out with us that night. I kind of figured she would need the extra reassurance, and it was already 10 by the time we were getting her down.
The second day, she asked every few hours or so. She cried in my arms about it once when I said no, but not hard or long. I kept reminding her that we can snuggle and play together instead of nursing whenever she wants to be close to me. I told her now she can ask for "lovie bug time" or "mommy time" instead of nursing, and by the end of the day she had caught on to that. Bedtime the second night, we let her start off in our bed again, but transferred her to her own room after she fell asleep.
Yesterday was the third day. She continued to ask to nurse, but quickly rephrased her question to request mommy time instead each time. Bedtime, we were going to start off in our room, but she said she'd rather be in her own bed.
My emotions throughout this have been mixed. At first, when she was seemingly taking it so well, I was relieved and yet felt like saying, "Wait! Come back!" at the same time. It was definitely bittersweet. When we did our more formal goodbye to nursing I felt more closure about it. She's doing well with it, but not completely forgotten about it either.
I have no regrets about nursing her as long as I did. I love breastfeeding, and hope to nurse my next child whenever he or she comes along as well.
Weaning her this way has been a great opportunity to practice limits with empathy, to exercize my ability to be both kind and firm. I feel good about how I handled it in a way that respects both of us. I'd like to believe that this is a good example of gentle discipline and positive parenting in action. :)
When I got pregnant, I knew I wanted to breastfeed. Information I learned in breastfeeding classes through Kaiser Permanente strengthened my commitment to give C breast milk exclusively during the first 6 months of her life, and continue to nurse at least for one year as recommended by the American Academy of Pediatrics.
When I made those milestones, I realized that one year was an arbitrary number. C still needed to nurse and it was a pleasant and beneficial part of our relationship. I set my sights on the two years of nursing as recommended by the World Health Organization.
During that second year of breastfeeding, the relationship changed a little. It was a little less pleasant at times, a little less enjoyable. Whenever I had a discomfort, I would set a new limit and harmony would be restored to our relationship. And I kept in mind that two year goal.
Well, two years turned out to be a rather arbitrary number as well. C didn't suddenly lose interest in nursing just because she had celebrated a birthday. I briefly cut her way back in anticipation of complete weaning, but her intense clinginess and other signs of anxiety let me know that she just wasn't ready for that.
I read Mothering Your Nursing Toddler and drew encouragement to keep going. I enjoyed reading the sweet stories of children who self-weaned when they were ready, and thought I'd like to know what C's story would be.
So, I gave her greater access to nursing again for a few months. Then I again got frustrated with our relationship, and wondered if it were affecting my fertility negatively (we have been trying to conceive our second child for a year now). So, I cut her back to three times a day (wake up, nap time and bedtime). This time she readily accepted the limit without repercussions.
Over the past few weeks, though, I realized that even that had become too much for me. I felt ready to have my body back to myself. For a variety of reasons, nursing was increasingly uncomfortable for me. I thought about how in nature, mother animals push away their young who are ready to be weaned. Maybe my body was telling me something worth listening to. At the same time, I noticed that C was showing more signs of readiness for weaning. Sometimes I would offer and she would refuse because something more interesting was going on, and sometimes on very rare occasions she would just forget about it all together.
Somehow when I thought about mother-led weaning, I assumed to be done right, it had to be gradual, or at least have a lot of preparation and talk before hand.
And yet, when I came to the realization that I was ready to wean while nursing C at bedtime the other night, I just wanted it to be done. I told her right then that we were going to say goodbye to nursing. I explained that we wouldn't nurse in the morning, or at nap time or at bedtime, but that she could ask me for cuddles and snuggles whenever she needed them.
The next morning I reminded her no nursing and she protested and tried to pull up my shirt a few times. I held firm and offered to snuggle and hold her hand. She settled for that and went back to sleep.
Later that morning after breakfast, we were talking about babies. She said, "I not baby anymore." (not words I've used with her at all)
I said, "Yes, you're growing up in lots of ways. You don't use diapers anymore and you don't nurse anymore."
She said, "Yeah, I'm getting bigger!" and went off happily to play.
Could it be that easy?
Not exactly.
She has continued to ask to nurse periodically, and has had varied responses to my refusal.
Mid-morning that first day, she just climbed in my lap and started lifting my shirt. I said, "Remember, we don't nurse anymore."
She said without missing a beat, "Can I have a snack instead?"
At lunch time that first day, she tried lifting my shirt again and this time when I said no she wasn't so easy going about it. She actually pounded my chest to show her frustration.
I put her down and said, "I can't let you hit me, but it is OK to be sad and mad about no more nursing because you really liked it." She came back to my lap for snuggles. I wondered how nap time would go, but we just lay down together and not nursing wasn't even an issue.
Bedtime would be the real test, I thought. She did ask and I said no. She threw herself on the floor in tears, and I thought that perhaps we'd both benefit from a bit more formal end, so I told her she could hug and kiss my boobs and say goodbye. She laid her head across both sides of my chest and gave the sweetest little pecks through my shirt.
Instead of trying to get her to sleep in her own bed in her own room, though, I just had her start out with us that night. I kind of figured she would need the extra reassurance, and it was already 10 by the time we were getting her down.
The second day, she asked every few hours or so. She cried in my arms about it once when I said no, but not hard or long. I kept reminding her that we can snuggle and play together instead of nursing whenever she wants to be close to me. I told her now she can ask for "lovie bug time" or "mommy time" instead of nursing, and by the end of the day she had caught on to that. Bedtime the second night, we let her start off in our bed again, but transferred her to her own room after she fell asleep.
Yesterday was the third day. She continued to ask to nurse, but quickly rephrased her question to request mommy time instead each time. Bedtime, we were going to start off in our room, but she said she'd rather be in her own bed.
My emotions throughout this have been mixed. At first, when she was seemingly taking it so well, I was relieved and yet felt like saying, "Wait! Come back!" at the same time. It was definitely bittersweet. When we did our more formal goodbye to nursing I felt more closure about it. She's doing well with it, but not completely forgotten about it either.
I have no regrets about nursing her as long as I did. I love breastfeeding, and hope to nurse my next child whenever he or she comes along as well.
Weaning her this way has been a great opportunity to practice limits with empathy, to exercize my ability to be both kind and firm. I feel good about how I handled it in a way that respects both of us. I'd like to believe that this is a good example of gentle discipline and positive parenting in action. :)
Friday, May 13, 2011
52 Tool Cards: Routines
This week, I had DH and C help me pull a card at random. And the winner is... Routines!
Ugh.
Routines? Really? Do I have to?
I resist routines. I prefer spontaneity and take it as it comes. Routine to me equals a rigid schedule, being on the clock. That kind of routine means law and order, which brings out my perfectionism. If there's a routine to follow, then I will know when I don't do it perfectly. I can't do it perfectly, so why even try?
Real logical right?
Let's see what the card actually says:
Nothing too menacing there. If I think of routines as a "flexible order of events," they're not so scary. Let's go on:
Here's a glimpse of our current dinner/bedtime/nighttime/morning "routine" (what typically happens, but not always):
I'd appreciate any help brainstorming ways to tweak this routine, or gentle suggestions of where I can better balance kind and firm.
Ugh.
Routines? Really? Do I have to?
I resist routines. I prefer spontaneity and take it as it comes. Routine to me equals a rigid schedule, being on the clock. That kind of routine means law and order, which brings out my perfectionism. If there's a routine to follow, then I will know when I don't do it perfectly. I can't do it perfectly, so why even try?
Real logical right?
Let's see what the card actually says:
Help children create routine charts to encourage self-discipline.
Nothing too menacing there. If I think of routines as a "flexible order of events," they're not so scary. Let's go on:
- Create routine charts WITH your child -- sounds doable, even fun!
- Brainstorm tasks that need to be done (bedtime, morning, homework, etc.) -- This part sounds a little scary. Do I write down what we actually do, or what I want to happen in an ideal world?
- Take pictures of your child doing each task -- sounds really fun!
- Let the routine chart be the boss: "What is next on your routine chart?" -- I've been doing something like this already when C gets out of the bath wanting to nurse. "What do we still have to do before bed?" I ask. "Pajamas, brush teeth, THEN we nurse."
- Do not take away from feelings of capability by adding rewards.
Here's a glimpse of our current dinner/bedtime/nighttime/morning "routine" (what typically happens, but not always):
- I get dinner made and put it to the side. DH gets home late (around 8) from work, and C mostly refuses to eat formal dinner without him, but she'll ask for snacks while we wait. By the time he gets home, she's no longer super hungry.
- DH gets home and unwinds a bit while I actually put dinner on the table.
- We all sit at the table and DH says it's time to pray before we eat.
- C says she doesn't want to pray.
- We start to pray without her.
- C protests that she wanted to pray.
- We start over and/or let her say a prayer.
- Eat dinner. C often doesn't want to eat, gets up and down from the table, climbs in my lap, plays with her food, says she's not hungry.
- With her food only half eaten, C announces she's ready for a bath and asks to ride on Daddy's back.
- C rides on daddy's back like a horse or get a piggy back ride from mama to the bathroom.
- C takes a long leisurely bath that involves more play than cleaning.
- C climbs out of the bath and gets her towel.
- C asks to nurse.
- I remind C that she needs pajamas on and teeth brushed before she can nurse.
- We get on pajamas.
- C asks to nurse.
- I remind C that we need to brush teeth before we nurse.
- C protests that she is hungry and usually goes back to the table to get more dinner.
- C finishes eating.
- Brush teeth
- Nurse
- C insists on a hug and kiss goodnight from DH.
- C insists on having DH refill her water cup (even if it's already full).
- All three of us sit together in her darkened room while she winds down. Sometimes we do a story or song at this point, sometimes I lay down with her, sometimes I hold her until she's asleep and then put her down.
- We sneak out of her room somewhere between 9:30 and 10:30.
- She wakes up some time between midnight and 2:00 a.m. and joins us in bed.
- She wakes up again when the sun comes up and nurses back to sleep.
- She wakes up again somewhere between 7:30 and 8:30 asking for breakfast and to go potty.
- We get up for the day.
- We eat breakfast in our pajamas.
- We parents take turns getting ready and dressed. At some point I help get C ready and dressed.
- C and I go outside to water the garden and tend the chickens while DH finishes getting ready.
- Wave goodbye to Daddy as he leaves for work.
I'd appreciate any help brainstorming ways to tweak this routine, or gentle suggestions of where I can better balance kind and firm.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Flashback: A Blog I Wrote in October 2008
I wrote the following post on MySpace in October 2008 after one day of trying to follow advice from baby trainers who advocate putting a baby down drowsy so they will learn to fall asleep without you. I felt so disconnected from my wee girl that I knew it wasn't right for us and gave up in less than 24 hours.
Thoughts on Mothering & Finding a Style that Works for Us
Well, C is already four weeks old today. There's so much I could say and write about being a new mom, but I'm spending so much time caring for and enjoying C that not much time is left to digest and describe our process of getting to know one another.
I love being a mom. I love having my daughter look up at me with slightly crossed eyes as she tries to focus on my face. I love the closeness of nursing and knowing that I can give her exactly the nourishment and comfort she needs with parts of my body so marvelously designed by God for exactly that purpose. As frustrating as it is to have her fuss and cry, especially during the times when she is seemingly unable to fall asleep, I do love the aha moment when I find something that works to settle her down.
White noise works to soothe C most of the time. When she was brand new, shushing in her ear worked wonders, but recently I can't seem to be able to sustain it at a volume level that still works. Two days ago we hit the afternoon period when she tends to not want to sleep and to alternate between little fussy noises and all out crying. I put her in our Moby wrap and got out the vacuum cleaner, and she was out within minutes with an added benefit of clean carpets. Yesterday, I decided to try the same trick again and now I have clean carpets AND sucked away all the cobwebs and dust in the corners. Today, when she woke up crying after a very short nap, I helped her calm down and fall back asleep by drying my hair while standing next to her bassinet.
Sometimes though, the only thing that works is laying down to nurse and falling asleep together ... and it just occurred to me that in those times it is God's way of telling me, "no, you didn't really need to get (whatever it was) ....done ... what you really need right now is to rest, beloved daughter." What a very interesting thought... it just might be that in reality, a desire to stay awake because the world is just so interesting even when rest would be best is something that C and I have in common, and God is being a good parent to me just as I am being a mother to C.
Being a new mother, I sometimes feel at a total loss for what to do or what is best for my baby. So, I've solicited and received a lot of advice from other mothers about what kind of routine or style worked for them in raising their young ones. I've also done a lot of research on my own.
The majority of the moms I've spoken with have advocated the methods in the book "On Becoming Baby Wise," while one of my cousins really believes in the advice of Dr. Brazelton, and my Kaiser baby care classes seemed to lean toward the advice of Dr. Sears. Well, I haven't found a method that I want to follow 100%. Babywise and other schedule & sleep training methods seem to rigid and harsh to me, but on the other hand, a full-on commitment to attachment parenting ends up feeling too chaotic to me (that may just be my misguided application of it though?). My cousin gave me her Dr. Brazelton book "Touchpoints" and I do like his gentle "try to work toward a routine/schedule but adjust your approach to what baby tells you she needs and can handle" advice.
I've found that C and I do need a pattern to our day -- a loose order of events, if you will -- but not necessarily a strict schedule or rules to follow. I'm not going to stress if she eats at 7:00, 10:30, 1:00, 3:00, 5:00, 8:00, 11:00 and 3:30 one day and at 6:30, 9:30, 12:00, 2:00, 3:00, 6:00, 9:00, 10:30, and 2:30 the next.
C and I need principles, but I must balance the need for structure with the need for compassion all within the limits of what I can give. I'm not going to stress that I've ruined her for life if on the one hand she needs me to rock her or nurse her to sleep for now, or if on the other I'm in the shower and she wakes up from her nap crying and falls back asleep before I can get out of the shower and comfort her. I'm not going to legalistically follow the advice of any expert but instead prayerfully follow my God-given instincts and the cues C gives me.
And now she's been asleep for 3.5 hours and my milk is letting down and she's starting to stir ...
Yep, all signs tell me that it's time for me to stop writing and get ready to feed my precious baby girl. :) <3
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
peaceful parenting: Tackling Distress Tantrums with Brain Research
peaceful parenting: Tackling Distress Tantrums with Brain Research
Great information on tantrums can be found in this article. I'm finding though, that it is easier said than done to remain calm and be a peaceful presence when Pookaloo is screaming and I just WANT HER TO STOP!
For example, last night, she woke up and was in distress. I picked her up from her little toddler bed and cuddled her, which often settles her. Last night, she was restless and continually moved and intermittently cried out. (Why precisely is a mystery. She's still working on those lower molars. She has a runny nose which could be a new cold or could be allergies. She also turned out to have a wet diaper, see below.) I was still half asleep, and I didn't want to get out of bed, and I didn't want to nurse her in bed (something which is increasingly less comfortable as she gets more and more teeth).
At first, we were soothing. "Shh... relax, go back to sleep."
Then, we were irritated. "SHHH! Why don't you just RELAX and SLEEP!"
When she kept escalating, I got up. I discovered the soaked diaper and changed her. I took her out to the living room and started to let her nurse, but she was as restless and fitful at the breast as she had been off of it, and it was painful to me to have her pop on and off repeatedly.
I started wondering why I felt so angry and have been so easily irritated with Pookaloo this week. I asked God why, and the response came quick and convicting:So you don't have to feel other emotions you don't want to face: fear and helplessness.
- Fear. Of failing as a mother. Of failing as a wife. Of the unknown future and uncertainty surrounding Papa Bear's job. That the subtle tension and low-level bickering in our marriage will escalate or devolve and destroy our marriage. That I don't really know what I'm doing and will be found out.
- Helplessness. I can't do anything to make our future more certain (besides pray). I can't do anything to MAKE Pookaloo sleep well or grow faster (or slower!). I don't have control over anything but myself and there are many times when I don't even have self-control.
I cried harder, and so did Pookaloo. Papa Bear joined us and I said, "She needs so much and I feel helpless to satisfy her." He just gently touched my arm and listened as I continued crying and venting. Then he took Pookaloo in his arms. She writhed and cried harder. We gently touched her and murmured again and again that she was loved and safe until she finished crying and began to fall back asleep. We made it back to bed and had a reasonable good sleep the remainder of the night.
This morning, as I thought more about why I feel so emotional, it occured to me that it may be because I'm working my way through Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline. This reading has triggered some painful memories and started some deep emotional work in me.
Parenting is hard work. In some ways, I'm a double parent, because I'm re-parenting myself so I can be the parent Pookaloo needs and deserves.
Grace is the answer. I'm not perfect. God covers my shortcomings with his grace. In turn, I offer that grace to my daughter and husband.
Grace gives me the courage to try again today, and tomorrow and the next day and next ... Amen.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Thoughts on Cosleeping
Here are some articles I came across on cosleeping today.
http://drmomma.blogspot.com/2009/09/sleeping-with-your-baby.html
http://drmomma.blogspot.com/2009/09/how-stats-really-stack-up-cosleeping-is.html
http://drmomma.blogspot.com/2009/09/sleeping-with-your-baby.html
http://drmomma.blogspot.com/2009/09/how-stats-really-stack-up-cosleeping-is.html
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