Thoughts on Proverbs 31

Today's lesson at the women's Bible study I attend focused on the Proverbs 31 woman.  After doing my homework for the lesson I felt convicted, and maybe even a little condemned.  How can I live up to that high standard?

The small group discussion time encouraged me a little and helped me focus on the small ways that I am a Proverbs 31 woman in some aspects of my life.

Then for our large group time the leaders gave us a special treat.  They invited us into a room filled with tables each decorated with a specific theme representing different time periods of a woman's life.

One table had a centerpiece made up of a breast pump, diapers and baby food.  Another table had juice boxes and alphabet stickers.  There was a high school and college themed table, a wedding table, a traveling in retirement table, a 50th anniversary table and a "silver-haired sage" table.

As we noshed on our veggies, crackers, cheese and cupcakes, one of the leaders interviewed four women at four different stages of life about how they lived out Proverbs 31.

I came away encouraged and inspired instead of discouraged and condemned.

With the decorations and interviews, the leaders beautifully illustrated that Proverbs 31 is not necessarily a description of a single day in an ideal woman's life.  It is the sum of her activities through the various seasons of a long and productive life.

I especially loved that the verse on the baby stage table was "She gets up while it is still dark to prepare food for her family."  The baby and toddler years are a time for getting up in the night to tend to the needs of our little ones, whether that involves physically nourishing them with our breasts or a bottle, or the spiritual and emotional nourishment we give them each time we sacrifice sleep to be awake and present with them to soothe their hurts, fears, and sicknesses.

Dealing with Tears & Fears at Bedtime

In the past two weeks, C has hit the imagination explosion that characterizes many three-year-olds full force. It has been a delight to hear and watch her extended fantasy play.

And yet, as this article on Common Childhood Fears points out:

Children’s imagination becomes extremely active at ages three and four. Three and four year olds tend to be a very fearful group. Typical fears involve the dark, scary, noises, masks, TV monsters, animals, being alone, and burglars. They worry about being harmed by superhuman creatures.  Young children are egocentric and have difficulty discriminating between fantasy and reality. 

This has proven true as well.  Right around her third birthday about a month ago, we started helping C to fall asleep without us.  We'd do a bedtime routine, and stay by her bed for a little while to help her get settled, and then we'd have to "check on something."  She didn't fall asleep right away, and there were usually at least three ups and downs or requests for us to come back and help her with something before she drifted off, but it was peaceful and pleasant.

But since the imagination explosion, she is suddenly bursting into tears when we leave the room and has been saying she's scared or afraid.  After a few nights like this, I realized I needed to reevaluate if our routine was still meeting our family's needs.

Though it had been nice to be able to leave the room and check on things while C fell asleep mostly on her own, it was clear that being rigid about enforcing her being alone in the room at the moment sleep arrived wasn't meeting her emotional needs at this new stage in her development.

Her fears are absolutely real to her, and my presence with her to help her through them teaches her deeper lessons about unconditional love, my trustworthiness and availability to comfort her during hard times, and ultimately, provides a living lesson in God's constant comforting presence.

This morning C told me that she had a scary dream about a bear.  Tonight at bedtime she told me she was afraid the bear was going to come and stand outside her window.

Rather than discount her fear and be dismissive, for example by saying that it was silly to be afraid because the bear was only in her imagination, I took her seriously and walked her through brainstorming a solution that took advantage of the strength of her imagination.

"It would be scary for a bear to be outside your window," I said.  "What can we do to help the bear stay away?  I know!  What are bears scared of?  Let's think."

C and I tapped our chins as we thought of ideas.

"Pigs!" C exclaimed after a short time.

"Bears are scared of pigs, that's right," I replied as if she had just reminded me of this truth.  "So if that bear is coming, you can scare him away by making a noise like a pig.  Let's practice."

Then I pretended to be a silly-scary bear, complete with roars and hand-claws and exclamations of "I'm coming to get you!" in a funny voice.

"Oink! Oink!" C said with a grin.

I shrank back in exaggerated fear.  "Oh no! I didn't know there were any pigs here.  I'm scared of pigs!  I better run away!"

C giggled.

We repeated the game several times as we continued through the bedtime routine.

There's a show C likes to watch called Miffy.  Miffy is a bunny who is friends with pigs and bears.  The last time we played the bear-pig game, I said, "Wait! I'm Boris Bear!  Poppy Pig, I'm your friend, remember me?"

We talked about how some bears were nice, and maybe the bear outside her window was really Boris, and he wanted to be her friend too.

She still asked me to stay until she fell asleep.  I went and got my knitting, and watched her arm fall limp before I even finished a row of 28 stitches.

Scared Sleepless

Today C went swimming for the first time in almost a year. She wore floaties for the first time and greatly enjoyed brief stints of independence kicking and floating within arms' reach of one or both parents.

Then we had dinner poolside. C wanted to go back in the water, but we redirected her away from the edge. After everyone finished their dinner, we were getting ready to go and stood with C a few feet from the edge of the pool. She had her floaties off. She got past us and ran into the pool and straight off the edge of the step. She began to sink.

It was just like they say in all the "Signs of Drowning: Not What You Think"  articles and videos that have been shared on Facebook and elsewhere lately. She didn't splash or cry out. She was just sinking.

Thankfully DH reacted quickly and got her out seconds after she fell in. Terrified, she clung to me for reassurance. She kept saying, "I didn't like falling in."

At bedtime she was restless, still clinging to me. She would fall asleep but then awake with a startle response or a moan. Once she repeated, "I didn't like falling in," and then it struck me that she might be having flashbacks and bad dreams about the moment she went under.

C has never really been what most would call a "good sleeper", but waking that frequently was out of character for her. Tonight God blessed me with an extra measure of patience and understanding and I didn't lose my temper even though she disturbed my sleep. It probably helped that I knew exactly what was going on.

But there have been times when she sleeps just as poorly that I haven't been so patient, mostly because I couldn't identify a cause at that time.  If I tell myself that because I can't see a cause, she must just be "fighting sleep," I get more and more frustrated that she just won't cooperate and go to sleep already! 

On those days, I might assume she is "doing it on purpose," because the times she has fallen asleep easily shows that "she knows better."   That line of thinking leads me to respond with anger, impatience or even punishment.

But eventually an underlying cause always comes out. She gets sick the next day, or I notice swollen gums indicative of teething, etc.

I was reminded in some reading at Gentle Christian Mothers today to treat misbehavior (especially misbehavior that is a bit "out of character") as a symptom that prompts me to investigate potential underlying cause and then remedy it. The acronymn HALT is a good place to start:

Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired

For C, I've found that "Needs to Go Potty" and "Scared" are two others I could add to that list.

So, back to tonight. When I realized how scared she still was, I asked her if she had been having bad dreams. She said yes, and repeated that she didn't like falling in the pool. I got her up and took her potty (just in case that was contributing to the restlessness), and then when we got back in bed, I prayed with her, thanking Jesus for sending Daddy to her rescue and keeping her safe at the pool and asking him to protect her mind from any more bad dreams.

She snuggled up to me and I felt her relax and begin to breathe deeply in a way she hadn't since the incident at the pool. She quickly fell into a deep sleep.

Me, not so much.  I'm writing this post at 3 in the morning because I was having trouble sleeping too (some digestive problems, and also I was wound up with adrenaline from the close call and caffeine from all the ice tea I drank poolside).

I'm bound to be tired tomorrow.  I can use HALT on myself if I start getting impatient or cranky, and use some self-talk to coach myself through the rough parts of the day and make sure I grab a nap with C to stave off the late afternoon grumpy grouchies.

End of an Era

I weaned my little C this week, after 2.75 years. 

When I got pregnant, I knew I wanted to breastfeed.  Information I learned in breastfeeding classes through Kaiser Permanente strengthened my commitment to give C breast milk exclusively during the first 6 months of her life, and continue to nurse at least for one year as recommended by the American Academy of Pediatrics.

When I made those milestones, I realized that one year was an arbitrary number.  C still needed to nurse and it was a pleasant and beneficial part of our relationship.  I set my sights on the two years of nursing as recommended by the World Health Organization.

During that second year of breastfeeding, the relationship changed a little.  It was a little less pleasant at times, a little less enjoyable.  Whenever I had a discomfort, I would set a new limit and harmony would be restored to our relationship.  And I kept in mind that two year goal. 

Well, two years turned out to be a rather arbitrary number as well.  C didn't suddenly lose interest in nursing just because she had celebrated a birthday.  I briefly cut her way back in anticipation of complete weaning, but her intense clinginess and other signs of anxiety let me know that she just wasn't ready for that. 

I read Mothering Your Nursing Toddler and drew encouragement to keep going.  I enjoyed reading the sweet stories of children who self-weaned when they were ready, and thought I'd like to know what C's story would be.

So, I gave her greater access to nursing again for a few months.  Then I again got frustrated with our relationship, and wondered if it were affecting my fertility negatively (we have been trying to conceive our second child for a year now). So, I cut her back to three times a day (wake up, nap time and bedtime).  This time she readily accepted the limit without repercussions.  

Over the past few weeks, though, I realized that even that had become too much for me.  I felt ready to have my body back to myself. For a variety of reasons, nursing was increasingly uncomfortable for me.  I thought about how in nature, mother animals push away their young who are ready to be weaned.  Maybe my body was telling me something worth listening to.  At the same time, I noticed that C was showing more signs of readiness for weaning.  Sometimes I would offer and she would refuse because something more interesting was going on, and sometimes on very rare occasions she would just forget about it all together. 

Somehow when I thought about mother-led weaning, I assumed to be done right, it had to be gradual, or at least have a lot of preparation and talk before hand.

And yet, when I came to the realization that I was ready to wean while nursing C at bedtime the other night, I just wanted it to be done.  I told her right then that we were going to say goodbye to nursing.  I explained that we wouldn't nurse in the morning, or at nap time or at bedtime, but that she could ask me for cuddles and snuggles whenever she needed them.

The next morning I reminded her no nursing and she protested and tried to pull up my shirt a few times. I held firm and offered to snuggle and hold her hand. She settled for that and went back to sleep.

Later that morning after breakfast, we were talking about babies. She said, "I not baby anymore." (not words I've used with her at all)

I said, "Yes, you're growing up in lots of ways. You don't use diapers anymore and you don't nurse anymore."

She said, "Yeah, I'm getting bigger!" and went off happily to play.

Could it be that easy?

Not exactly. 

She has continued to ask to nurse periodically, and has had varied responses to my refusal.

Mid-morning that first day, she just climbed in my lap and started lifting my shirt. I said, "Remember, we don't nurse anymore."

She said without missing a beat, "Can I have a snack instead?"

At lunch time that first day, she tried lifting my shirt again and this time when I said no she wasn't so easy going about it. She actually pounded my chest to show her frustration.

I put her down and said, "I can't let you hit me, but it is OK to be sad and mad about no more nursing because you really liked it."  She came back to my lap for snuggles. I wondered how nap time would go, but we just lay down together and not nursing wasn't even an issue.

Bedtime would be the real test, I thought.  She did ask and I said no. She threw herself on the floor in tears, and I thought that perhaps we'd both benefit from a bit more formal end, so I told her she could hug and kiss my boobs and say goodbye. She laid her head across both sides of my chest and gave the sweetest little pecks through my shirt.

Instead of trying to get her to sleep in her own bed in her own room, though, I just had her start out with us that night. I kind of figured she would need the extra reassurance, and it was already 10 by the time we were getting her down.

The second day, she asked every few hours or so. She cried in my arms about it once when I said no, but not hard or long. I kept reminding her that we can snuggle and play together instead of nursing whenever she wants to be close to me. I told her now she can ask for "lovie bug time" or "mommy time" instead of nursing, and by the end of the day she had caught on to that. Bedtime the second night, we let her start off in our bed again, but transferred her to her own room after she fell asleep.

Yesterday was the third day.  She continued to ask to nurse, but quickly rephrased her question to request mommy time instead each time. Bedtime, we were going to start off in our room, but she said she'd rather be in her own bed.


My emotions throughout this have been mixed.  At first, when she was seemingly taking it so well, I was relieved and yet felt like saying, "Wait! Come back!" at the same time. It was definitely bittersweet.  When we did our more formal goodbye to nursing I felt more closure about it.  She's doing well with it, but not completely forgotten about it either. 

I have no regrets about nursing her as long as I did. I love breastfeeding, and hope to nurse my next child whenever he or she comes along as well.

Weaning her this way has been a great opportunity to practice limits with empathy, to exercize my ability to be both kind and firm. I feel good about how I handled it in a way that respects both of us. I'd like to believe that this is a good example of gentle discipline and positive parenting in action. :)

52 Tool Cards: Routines

This week, I had DH and C help me pull a card at random.  And the winner is... Routines!

Ugh. 

Routines?  Really?  Do I have to?

I resist routines.  I prefer spontaneity and take it as it comes.  Routine to me equals a rigid schedule, being on the clock.  That kind of routine means law and order, which brings out my perfectionism.  If there's a routine to follow, then I will know when I don't do it perfectly.  I can't do it perfectly, so why even try? 

Real logical right?

Let's see what the card actually says:

Help children create routine charts to encourage self-discipline.

Nothing too menacing there.  If I think of routines as a "flexible order of events," they're not so scary.  Let's go on:

1. Create routine charts WITH your child -- sounds doable, even fun!
2. Brainstorm tasks that need to be done (bedtime, morning, homework, etc.) -- This part sounds a little scary.  Do I write down what we actually do, or what I want to happen in an ideal world?
3. Take pictures of your child doing each task -- sounds really fun!
4. Let the routine chart be the boss: "What is next on your routine chart?" -- I've been doing something like this already when C gets out of the bath wanting to nurse.  "What do we still have to do before bed?" I ask.  "Pajamas, brush teeth, THEN we nurse."
5. Do not take away from feelings of capability by adding rewards.

The thing is, I have a 2.5 year old.  Like all children her age, she craves repetition and routine and so we sort of have routines and rituals in place already.  They may not be ideal, they may include some craziness, but they "work" insofar as we do get ready every morning and (eventually) get to sleep every night.  Like my house, my family isn't in perfect condition, but neither is it falling apart. 

Here's a glimpse of our current dinner/bedtime/nighttime/morning "routine" (what typically happens, but not always):

1. I get dinner made and put it to the side.  DH gets home late (around 8) from work, and C mostly refuses to eat formal dinner without him, but she'll ask for snacks while we wait.  By the time he gets home, she's no longer super hungry.
2. DH gets home and unwinds a bit while I actually put dinner on the table.
3. We all sit at the table and DH says it's time to pray before we eat.
4. C says she doesn't want to pray.
5. We start to pray without her.
6. C protests that she wanted to pray.
7. We start over and/or let her say a prayer.
8. Eat dinner.  C often doesn't want to eat, gets up and down from the table, climbs in my lap, plays with her food, says she's not hungry. 
9. With her food only half eaten, C announces she's ready for a bath and asks to ride on Daddy's back.
10. C rides on daddy's back like a horse or get a piggy back ride from mama to the bathroom.
11. C takes a long leisurely bath that involves more play than cleaning.
12. C climbs out of the bath and gets her towel. 
13. C asks to nurse. 
14. I remind C that she needs pajamas on and teeth brushed before she can nurse.
15. We get on pajamas.
16. C asks to nurse.
17. I remind C that we need to brush teeth before we nurse.
18. C protests that she is hungry and usually goes back to the table to get more dinner.
19. C finishes eating.
20. Brush teeth
21. Nurse
22. C insists on a hug and kiss goodnight from DH.
23. C insists on having DH refill her water cup (even if it's already full).
24. All three of us sit together in her darkened room while she winds down.  Sometimes we do a story or song at this point, sometimes I lay down with her, sometimes I hold her until she's asleep and then put her down.
25. We sneak out of her room somewhere between 9:30 and 10:30.
26. She wakes up some time between midnight and 2:00 a.m. and joins us in bed.
27. She wakes up again when the sun comes up and nurses back to sleep.
28. She wakes up again somewhere between 7:30 and 8:30 asking for breakfast and to go potty.
29. We get up for the day.
30. We eat breakfast in our pajamas.
31. We parents take turns getting ready and dressed.  At some point I help get C ready and dressed.
32. C and I go outside to water the garden and tend the chickens while DH finishes getting ready.
33. Wave goodbye to Daddy as he leaves for work.

I'm sure there is VAST room for improvement in this routine.  I believe C needs to be in bed earlier, but until DH's work schedule puts him home earlier, I'm not sure how to make that happen.  The few times I've tried, he arrives home in the middle of the routine and that winds her up/puts off bedtime, or she wakes up when he arrives home.  She needs her Daddy time!

I'd appreciate any help brainstorming ways to tweak this routine, or gentle suggestions of where I can better balance kind and firm.

Encouragement through Discouraging Times

I have so much to be thankful for.  So much that is going well: my physical and emotional health are better since going gluten free.  I completed revisions of my novel and am getting great feedback from beta readers.  I have a beautiful daughter, terrific husband.  My garden is thriving, and the caring for the baby chicks I bought this week and planning for their housing has become a very fun family project. 

And yet, there are a few areas where I can tend to get discouraged.

Trying to conceive our second child, for instance.  Woke up this morning to the evidence that we will have to keep trying.

Another is my husband's efforts to build an insurance business.  He's working hard, talking to lots of people, but his efforts are slow to bear fruit. 

And, last but not least, the daily grind of the small tasks of household management and mothering provide plenty of fodder for discouragement.  The bed needs to be made ... again.  The toddler made a mess ... again.  My firm and kind response to a typical toddler behavior wasn't a miracle cure ... she's still a toddler and I need to provide that same kind and firm response the next time it happens, even if it's minutes later.

It's easy to lose focus and get tired and discouraged!

I love how God speaks through others to deliver a word to us right when we need to hear it. 

This morning's sermon drew from 1 Kings 19.  Elijah just finished the battle on Mount Carmel with the prophets of Baal.  God won, and for a brief moment it looked like the people's hearts and even Ahab's heart might be turning back toward God.  Then, Jezebel puts out a death warrant for Elijah and he runs for his life. 

From the highest high he goes to the lowest low, a fugitive alone out in the wilderness, praying to God that his life would end now. 

As James says, I'm of like nature or like passion with Elijah.  How many times have I been in the same place, sitting under my figurative broom tree, having a pity party because things didn't turn out like I planned, feeling alone in my efforts.   My lament is similar to his:  "I've had it!" "I give up!"  "I'm the only one doing XYZ!  Doesn't anyone help out around here?" "Is this really what you want Lord if there's no fruit?"
   
That kind of discouragement comes when I focus on my own efforts and my own expectations of what results those efforts should yield.  It comes when I despise the small things and think I'm ready to move on to bigger things. 

God's response is to Elijah is so tender, so gentle.  He sends the angel of the Lord to touch, feed, and minister to Elijah.  He graciously shows Elijah that indeed he is not alone in serving Him. 

God has called me to be faithful with the small things he's given me.  To love my husband body and soul and accept whatever children He blesses us with in His time.  To pray for, encourage and support my husband as he builds his business and make it possible for him to focus on that by how I manage my share of the household work.  To do my part and trust God to do His part.

That truly encouraged me this morning, and I share it here to solidify it in my own heart and in the hope it may encourage someone else.

Parenting to Sleep: a Spiritual Discipline

James 1:2-4 says:

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

Anyone who has parented a baby or toddler to sleep knows there are naps and nights when it can rightly be categorized as a trial!

Yet, it is a trial I have chosen and continue to choose to submit to and endure because of the belief that it is the right way to honor God’s command to love my neighbor as myself and treat the least of these as if they were Jesus.

From the first day I met my precious daughter, God gave me a mama heart that told me to respond to her cries and soothe her to sleep rather than leave her to cry alone and give up when she realizes no one is coming to help her.

She may not have explicit memory of these years, but my loving and (mostly) consistent response will build for her a foundation of trust all the same.

God saw fit to bless me with a daughter that has trouble falling asleep and staying asleep.  She fits the definition of a “spirited” or “high-needs” baby. 

Dr. Sears offers 31 tips for nighttime parenting.  He also explains why high-need children sleep differently than others.  In the article, he suggests waiting for the "limp limb sign" before putting baby down and sneaking away.

Don't hurry. Trying to hurry your baby off to sleep is doomed to fail because babies go to sleep differently than adults. In the early months, in order to reach a state of deep sleep, babies need to go through a 20 to 30 minute stage of lighter sleep. If you try to put babies down and sneak away during this light sleep stage, many will wake up. You need to continue your ritual until you are certain baby is in a deep sleep. Here's how to tell: Watch baby's face and limbs. If baby's mouth is still grimacing or showing "sleep grins," his eyelids are fluttering, and his arms are flexed with hands in fists, baby is still in the state of light sleep. Once baby's face is expressionless, eyes and mouth are still, limbs dangle and hands are wide open (we call this the limp-limb sign), chances are baby has entered deep sleep, and you can put baby down on his back and quietly creep away. This is just one of the many facets of baby-care that teaches parents patience.

Did you catch that last sentence? "This is just one of the many facets of baby-care that teaches parents patience."  Boy does it ever! 

Over the past 2.5 years of parenting my little C to sleep, I've been humbled over and over again as I realize just how impatient and selfish I am.  C is so sensitive, that if I am at all eager to "escape" and relax with my husband or go accomplish one of the many things on my to-do list (even if it's just to catch up on Gentle Christian Mothers!), she can feel the tension in my body and will go on alert too.  It is not until I am fully present with her, relaxed in the moment, submitting myself to the discipline of stillness, patience and self-sacrifice that she too will relax and allow herself to fall asleep. 

There are a few times in particular when I find it difficult to be patient and fully relax. 

One is when I'm facing a deadline for my work-at-home job recording textbooks for visually disabled students.  To avoid undue background noise, I can only do my recording while C is asleep or not in the house.  The times when it goes well and I can fully relax are the times when I pray something like this, "God, you know how much work I have to get done, but I am a parent first.  I trust that you will make time for me to meet my other commitments if I am faithful in helping this precious girl you've given me get the sleep she needs."   And you know what?  He always comes through for me.

The times when I fail the most are the times when I am feeling irritable, tired and entitled to some space and time to myself.  Those are the times when God opens my eyes to how much I am like the snake that Roy Hession describes in his book, The Calvary Road.

Those who have been in tropical lands tell us that there is a big difference between a snake and a worm, when you attempt to strike at them. The snake rears itself up and hisses and tries to strike back – a true picture of self. But a worm offers no resistance, it allows you to do what you like with it, kick it or squash it under your heel – a picture of true brokenness.  

Lately, nap times in particular have been more and more of a struggle.  C is perhaps approaching the time when she will give up naps.  She at least would like to skip it and stay awake as not to miss a minute of all the fun and interesting things the world holds for a toddler.  But I know based on her behavior when she does not have one how much she really does need to sleep or at least to rest for a few hours each day. 

In the past few months, I have become more and more controlling in my efforts to help her sleep.  I wanted to rush her through the process by forbidding any wiggles, or anything that I perceived as her fighting sleep and thereby daring to keep me away from what I wanted to be doing instead.  My work-at-home job is done for the season, so these were purely selfish pursuits I was being denied.

So I started doing some things I'm not proud of.  I've told her if she couldn't stop herself from moving her body so sleep could come find her, I'd help her, and I held her in a gentle but firm bear hug while she screamed and struggled to get away.  While this can be a gentle technique, I was using it punitively and her reaction told me it was scary for her and yet I persisted.  When I let her go, she was compliant and ready to sleep, but it was far from the peaceful transition to sleep that I want for her to have.  Another time I got so angry with her that I had to leave the room to stop myself from physically hurting her.  While I calmed myself down, she screamed hysterically behind the door.  When I calmed down enough to return, again she was exhausted and ready to sleep.  Regrettably, I started falling back on these techniques to get her to sleep.  Not exactly consciously, but it seemed to happen more and more often that she'd either be screaming because I was holding her down or screaming because I had left the room to control my anger. 

One of those times happened while my husband was home last weekend.  C prefers to have both parents there while she transitions to sleep if we are both available, so he was in her room with us.  She flopped around the bed, asked for water, asked to go potty, kicked the rail of her bed, asked for covers, kicked off covers, asked to be held, climbed out of my lap, asked me to lay down with her, refused to lay down herself ad nauseum.  All while yawning and rubbing her eyes.  She needed sleep, and I told myself she was fighting sleep on purpose.  I thought, "I'm not putting up with this anymore," and "She can't get away with this," and got locked into forcing her to hold still and stop talking.  I only succeeded in riling her up.  Seeing C's distress and my rising temper, my husband insisted that I leave the room. 

While I was gone, the Holy Spirit impressed on my heart how wrong I was and had been to be so controlling and angry.  I did not like how I was treating my child and it needed to stop. 

Stopping this unkind behavior and selfish thoughts has not been easy and I still have failures.  C is still having a particularly rough time transitioning to sleep.  Daily I must face the struggle to choose to be the worm instead of the snake.  To choose to trust God to fulfill my desires to be elsewhere in His timing.  To choose to submit to the task at hand and be fully present in the moment.  To choose to stop the self-talk that agitates and embitters me against my daughter, and instead choose new thoughts and attitudes that enjoy the moment for what it is: precious time with a girl that is growing so fast. 

The rewards of faithfulness have been great:

On one succesful night, we went through our bedtime routine and got to the point where we were in C's room and all that was left was for her to go to sleep.  I sat in the chair by her bed where we nurse.  She climbed off her bed and into my lap, and started talking and asking questions.  Rather than insisting she stay on her bed, or shushing her and saying it was time for sleep, I engaged in a low key conversation with lots of snuggles and kisses.  She got down out of my lap and turned the nightlight off and then on again, and came right back.  She climbed up, nuzzled her head to my chest and fell fast asleep.  I held her for a moment, then gently put her down on her bed and left the room.

Another night, I sat on her bed with her while my husband sat on the chair.  After a few minutes of snuggling and quiet talking, she moved to her dad.  In the past I would have insisted she stay on the bed and gotten into a physical struggle to keep her there.  Instead I watched to see what she would do.  She gave her daddy a hug and kiss, then snuggled down into his arms and fell asleep.  It was a precious moment to witness, and one I would have missed had I tried to over-control the situation instead of trusting my God and the instincts and abilities He gave my daughter.


And yet, the struggle still continues, and I could use your prayers, dear reader. 

Last night, it took 90 minutes for her to finally drift off to sleep.  She was tired, even laying still, but just the sight of her open eyes began to anger me, and I had to turn my face away and ask God to help me die to my self once more.  Today I felt I had to leave the room to control my anger again, but I came back more quickly than before.  I am so grateful that Grace is for mamas too.

God is using her struggles with sleep to draw out and show me the ugly places where my heart still needs work to be conformed to the likeness of Christ.  It is a daily opportunity to make the choice to take up my cross and follow Him who laid down his life for me.