Putting on the Armor of God

This summer I've been participating in Priscilla Shirer's Armor of God study.  On page 99, Priscilla poses the question:

How did the enemy take advantage of an upsetting, unexpected, chaotic event or circumstance to gain access to your life?

Well, I had a heart transplant 17 months ago.

It all happened quickly.  April 2014 I gave birth to my third baby and a week later was admitted to the hospital with congestive heart failure due to a genetic condition that I had been told wasn't very serious and most likely wouldn't be a problem.  Six months later, I learned that I needed a heart transplant to save my life.  Our family had to temporarily move four hours south to live with my parents a few months later as I waited for and recovered from the transplant.  Then we moved back and have been struggling to find the "new normal" since then.

How's that for an upsetting, unexpected and chaotic event or circumstance?

Those days of heart failure were hard to be sure, but at the same time, it was a beautiful time in my life.  I felt loved, supported, at peace and so very close to God.  It was pretty easy to be heavenly minded when the physical body was declining daily and rapidly.

My post transplant spiritual life has been rocky by comparison,

In the months after my transplant, I was recovering physical wellness, regaining energy, regaining strength almost daily.  I was on an emotional high, so happy and grateful to be alive.  I felt so very much better and could hardly believe there was any limit to how much better I could feel.  It seemed within reason that I was going to be "normal" very soon.

Hello, pride.

God had felt so near.  But slowly, He felt farther away.  Who moved?  That would be me.

Old struggles I thought were resolved cropped back up.  From my high school and college days, God had slowly and painstakingly brought me out of perfectionism, legalism, and the bad habit of measuring myself by my accomplishments or comparing myself to others.  In the past 17 months, I let those snares entangle me again.  I struggled mightily to meet my own expectations and the perceived expectations of others, and despaired when I failed.

Why couldn't I keep up? Maybe I was just lazy.... Maybe I needed to push myself harder.  Maybe I just needed better systems and strategies..  I pushed myself and berated myself for not being able to do and accomplish as much as I thought I should be able to do.

All along, the real and biggest problem was that my focus had moved off of Christ and onto myself, to my struggles and circumstances.  I felt irritable, short-tempered, selfish, restless, unbalanced, uncentered. I was half in denial about the limitations living with a transplant places on me, while also resenting those limitations at the same time.

The enemy had used his usual tactics of deception and hitting at my weak points to pull me down to be sure.


I missed the first three weeks of the Armor of God study due to serving at VBS and needing to get my blood drawn to verify my medicine levels.  Last week I went back through the first few weeks of lessons to catch up.

God's word does not return void and it came at just the right time to rescue me from the pit I had fallen back into.  It opened my eyes to the reality of the enemy and the way he works, but more importantly, reminded me about my spiritual identity and spiritual resources.

With a refreshed and renewed understanding of who I am in Christ, I've been able to better come to grips with the truth of my physical reality as well.

I'm accepting the fact that living with a transplant is like living with a chronic illness or condition.  This new level of acceptance sparked curiosity, and I set out to find out as much as I can about the whats and whys of limits.

Here's what I learned:

Although my new heart works so much better than my old thick, stiff, failing one did, it has specific limitations because of the nerve connections that were severed when the heart was transplanted.

The vagus nerve is the most efficient way for the body to adjust heart rate and blood flow as needed to accommodate for changes in activity level, body position, and external temperature.  But God designed a back-up plan: hormones from the adrenal gland.

But there is a catch: The hormonal pathways my body now uses to adjust my heart rate and blood flow is much slower to turn on and shut off than the nearly instant adjustments the nervous system can make.

As a result, I "feel the burn" sooner when exercising or doing heavy housework, and have more soreness afterward that lingers longer than it otherwise might .  Getting up from a seated or squatting position quickly causes momentary low blood pressure and dizziness, which can be bothersome when picking things up off the floor for example.  If I let myself get too cold, it seems to take forever for me to feel warm again,  More bothersome to me is how much lower my stamina is and longer my recovery time is when the weather is hot.


That is part of the terrain I am traversing.  Other features of my terrain are room for improvement in communication with my wonderful husband who has to work longer hours than I'd like, three active and intense children including a daughter with behaviors on the autism spectrum (we are in the midst of evaluations for a diagnosis) ... those are other features of my terrain.

God is with me, and has not left me helpless or defenseless in the face of these circumstances.  He has blessed me with every spiritual blessing in the heavenlies, but I have to activate them. Richard A. Burr came up with a clever acronym: Prayer Releases All Your Eternal Resources.

Asking for what I need with gratitude relieves anxiety and promotes peace.  I can cast my cares on Him because he cares for me.        

God has been faithful and good through it all.  Here are a few ways he has provided and blessed me:

In my search for truth, I was led to a website for Christians with chronic illness: Rest Ministries.  There I found beautiful words of vulnerability and dependence on God in the midst of suffering.  The prayer cards they offer for download there have been helpful to me as well.

A sibling rivalry e-course by Connected Families we started last month is equipping our family with practical ways to use the shoes of peace in our family relationships.

These months have not been wasted.  Some of what seemed like backward movement may have been necessary to clear the way for new growth in the future.  Certainly, the process of re-evaluating who I am has led to a better certainty and understanding of my gifts and callings.  Creative communication and teaching along with hospitality, which I share with my husband, round out my top three.

This blog is one way to live out my calling.  Opening my home to host La Leche League meetings starting next month is another.  And last but certainly not least, my husband and I will be exercising our shared gift of hospitality by welcoming an exchange student into our family for the coming school year.

I'll be back soon to share more about my journey and what I'm learning from God's graceful discipline.

Simplicity

In 2010 I wrote the following intending to post it on this blog:

Our 700SF 1BR/1BA condo is listed for sale. It goes up on the MLS tomorrow, and our agents are coming by to take pictures. Although prices are still depressed compared to the 2006 inflated levels, there is buying activity going on, and we're expecting a lot of showings.

All that to say that we've been working hard for the past 10 days or so on "staging" our place for sale. Besides rearranging and removing some furniture, the primary activities of staging have been extreme decluttering.

We rented a 5'x10' storage unit to keep all the stuff until we're ready for it again.

Rather than a feeling of sacrifice, I've been surprised to find the functioning of our day to day lives has not been significantly different without the items in storage. In fact, I love the way our house feels without them. If it is so extraneous, it makes me wonder why I've been holding on to it? Why did I live in such a cramped way just for the sake of hoarding things I might need someday when we might live in larger quarters?

Our bedroom is the first room to be absolutely finished. I love to be in there. It feels cool, relaxing and spacious. 

I'm very encouraged to continue allowing the Holy Spirit to build the discipline of simplicity into our lives.

In February this year, we packed up to move in with my parents while I waited for a heart transplant. Enough clothes for eaxh of ua for a week or so, a basket of toys for the kids.

Once again, I wondered if I could live with such a "barebones" inventory in this situation, why do we have so much more in our day-to-day lives?

Yet I forgot the lesson all too quickly.

We will be returning home in a week or so.  While we've been gone, I started thinking of all the things I'd like to acquire and add to my possessions.

Coming across this old post has reminded me of the joy of simple living and to pursue it as a spiritual discipline.

Heart Failure to Transplant: My Heart is His

The heart condition I mentioned in There is too much to 'splain... took a bit of a turn for the worse in September, and I grappled with coming to terms with the full extent of my diagnosis.  I posted details of that at my new CaringBridge site.

This morning I woke up early and felt drawn to look at my copy of Jesus Calling, and as it often does, today's entry hit me right where I am, especially this portion:

Instead of regretting or resenting the way things are, thank Me in all circumstances. Trust Me and don't be fearful; thank Me and rest in My sovereignty.

At the bottom of the entry are three Bible verses, including 1 Peter 5:6-7.  I got out my Bible and a notebook that was handy.

I opened the notebook and found some journal entries and notes from 2011 when I was pregnant with Zachary, and rediscovered a structure for quiet time that had been taught to me by Kenton Beshore, the senior pastor at Mariners Church. 

It uses 3 four-letter acronyms: PERS, SOAP and ACTS.

I am a PERSon... how am I doing?
Physically?
Emotionally?
Relationally?
Spiritually?

I answered each of those questions, thinking mainly about yesterday and this morning, and identified that although I had a good day physically, some anxiety, loneliness and self-pity had crept in, as well as disconnection in my relationships.

Then I turned to the cleansing SOAP of God's word:
Scripture
Observation
Application
Prayer

For the Scripture I wanted to use 1 Peter 5:7, cast all your anxiety on the Lord, but I "accidentally" turned to 1 Peter 1:5-6:

This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, ⁵ who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. ⁶ In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.

For the Observation portion, I just restated the Scripture in my own words, and wrote about how in general it related to the Jesus Calling message to be thankful and trust in all circumstances.

For the Application, I made the observations more personal, reflecting on what I specifically needed to do in light of that...namely, to thank God for my heart condition.

For the Prayer, I chose to follow the ACTS model:
Adoration
Confession
Thanks
Supplication

I praised Jesus as Lord of All and the Healer, I confessed my self-absorption and fear.  Then I did the hard, strange part and thanked Him for my cardiomyopathy, for my heart failure, for my difficulty breathing.  What is there to be thankful for about that? 

It makes the truth that God gives me breath and life very real and immediate.  It presses me to trust and depend on Him more than ever.  It limits my ability to do everything I want to do so I need to seek Him more for wisdom and discernment about what He would have me be doing.  Not only do I feel the need of my Savior all the more, but having been forced to slow down because of my condition, I have time and space in my life to respond to his invitations to seek Him. 

After writing out those praises, confessions and thanks, the Supplications I made were quite different than what I would have said had I started my prayer with a request. 

I'm thankful that God woke me up early this morning to spend that time with Him, that He reminded me of PERS, SOAP and ACTS.  I share it because I hope it might be useful for your own quiet times with Father, Son and Spirit.

Thoughts on Proverbs 31

Today's lesson at the women's Bible study I attend focused on the Proverbs 31 woman.  After doing my homework for the lesson I felt convicted, and maybe even a little condemned.  How can I live up to that high standard?

The small group discussion time encouraged me a little and helped me focus on the small ways that I am a Proverbs 31 woman in some aspects of my life.

Then for our large group time the leaders gave us a special treat.  They invited us into a room filled with tables each decorated with a specific theme representing different time periods of a woman's life.

One table had a centerpiece made up of a breast pump, diapers and baby food.  Another table had juice boxes and alphabet stickers.  There was a high school and college themed table, a wedding table, a traveling in retirement table, a 50th anniversary table and a "silver-haired sage" table.

As we noshed on our veggies, crackers, cheese and cupcakes, one of the leaders interviewed four women at four different stages of life about how they lived out Proverbs 31.

I came away encouraged and inspired instead of discouraged and condemned.

With the decorations and interviews, the leaders beautifully illustrated that Proverbs 31 is not necessarily a description of a single day in an ideal woman's life.  It is the sum of her activities through the various seasons of a long and productive life.

I especially loved that the verse on the baby stage table was "She gets up while it is still dark to prepare food for her family."  The baby and toddler years are a time for getting up in the night to tend to the needs of our little ones, whether that involves physically nourishing them with our breasts or a bottle, or the spiritual and emotional nourishment we give them each time we sacrifice sleep to be awake and present with them to soothe their hurts, fears, and sicknesses.

More on DYT and a Mental Health Progress Report

A friend of mine blogged today about her own journey with Dressing Your Truth, how she found out about it and how it has impacted her at a level so much deeper than just dressing and feeling beautiful.

Check out Part 1 and Part 2!

Part One has a great overview of what Dressing Your Truth is, and Part Two goes into how understanding her nature and dressing accordingly has created some aha! moments for her.

This is one of my favorite sections:

I am not a "textbook" Type 1 - what I call bouncy balls and fireworks. Rather, I describe my energy as "a dreamer, head in the clouds" energy. It is still a very light, airy, full of ideas energy - but it also has a soft, gentle, graceful element to it. Think Belle in Disney's Beauty & the Beast. Thinking of it in that way allowed me to start to truly accept and embrace this part of my nature in a way I hadn't been able to before.

I love that!  The way she expresses her bright animated energy is influenced by a secondary soft subtle energy which makes it not quite as in your face as the Type One description sounds at first.  I didn't believe I could be a Type 1 because I didn't feel extroverted and loud and flashy enough.  But I'm my own kind of Type 1!  Although I loved the comparison to Belle, but my mind instantly went to another of my favorite fictional heroines, Anne of Green Gables!

I have to say since purging my closet of the black clothes and dark shaded/rich golden colors and bringing out and wearing my clothes with colors that pop, I've felt more me than I have in years.  The excitable bouncy clapping singing dancing joyful sublime silly whimsical me!  It may sound strange, but just changing the way I dress and accepting my bright animated nature has been deeply healing for me.  I don't have to censor myself and be more "grown up" or serious or somber than I am.  I don't have to beat myself up for not being someone else.

This is only one facet of my recovery from depression and anxiety.  Going public with my problem was one important step.  Deleting doomsday-type websites from my favorites and blogroll is another.  Meditating on Scripture and going through Celebrate Recovery to keep my focus on Christ as my source of hope and truth is the foundation of my recovery. 

All those intersected on Thursday.  One of my favorite verses is Zephaniah 3:17, and at a friend's suggestion I meditated on it Thursday night while singing "Revelation Song" at Celebrate Recovery.  God gave me a vision of me worshiping in the Throne Room and Him delighting in me living as who I was meant to be, and tears flowed and a burden of fear and anger lifted off my heart.

And, in the midst of it all, God is showing me a new path for me to embrace my passion for breastfeeding advocacy.  But that's another story for another blog post.

Encouragement through Discouraging Times

I have so much to be thankful for.  So much that is going well: my physical and emotional health are better since going gluten free.  I completed revisions of my novel and am getting great feedback from beta readers.  I have a beautiful daughter, terrific husband.  My garden is thriving, and the caring for the baby chicks I bought this week and planning for their housing has become a very fun family project. 

And yet, there are a few areas where I can tend to get discouraged.

Trying to conceive our second child, for instance.  Woke up this morning to the evidence that we will have to keep trying.

Another is my husband's efforts to build an insurance business.  He's working hard, talking to lots of people, but his efforts are slow to bear fruit. 

And, last but not least, the daily grind of the small tasks of household management and mothering provide plenty of fodder for discouragement.  The bed needs to be made ... again.  The toddler made a mess ... again.  My firm and kind response to a typical toddler behavior wasn't a miracle cure ... she's still a toddler and I need to provide that same kind and firm response the next time it happens, even if it's minutes later.

It's easy to lose focus and get tired and discouraged!

I love how God speaks through others to deliver a word to us right when we need to hear it. 

This morning's sermon drew from 1 Kings 19.  Elijah just finished the battle on Mount Carmel with the prophets of Baal.  God won, and for a brief moment it looked like the people's hearts and even Ahab's heart might be turning back toward God.  Then, Jezebel puts out a death warrant for Elijah and he runs for his life. 

From the highest high he goes to the lowest low, a fugitive alone out in the wilderness, praying to God that his life would end now. 

As James says, I'm of like nature or like passion with Elijah.  How many times have I been in the same place, sitting under my figurative broom tree, having a pity party because things didn't turn out like I planned, feeling alone in my efforts.   My lament is similar to his:  "I've had it!" "I give up!"  "I'm the only one doing XYZ!  Doesn't anyone help out around here?" "Is this really what you want Lord if there's no fruit?"
   
That kind of discouragement comes when I focus on my own efforts and my own expectations of what results those efforts should yield.  It comes when I despise the small things and think I'm ready to move on to bigger things. 

God's response is to Elijah is so tender, so gentle.  He sends the angel of the Lord to touch, feed, and minister to Elijah.  He graciously shows Elijah that indeed he is not alone in serving Him. 

God has called me to be faithful with the small things he's given me.  To love my husband body and soul and accept whatever children He blesses us with in His time.  To pray for, encourage and support my husband as he builds his business and make it possible for him to focus on that by how I manage my share of the household work.  To do my part and trust God to do His part.

That truly encouraged me this morning, and I share it here to solidify it in my own heart and in the hope it may encourage someone else.

Parenting to Sleep: a Spiritual Discipline

James 1:2-4 says:

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

Anyone who has parented a baby or toddler to sleep knows there are naps and nights when it can rightly be categorized as a trial!

Yet, it is a trial I have chosen and continue to choose to submit to and endure because of the belief that it is the right way to honor God’s command to love my neighbor as myself and treat the least of these as if they were Jesus.

From the first day I met my precious daughter, God gave me a mama heart that told me to respond to her cries and soothe her to sleep rather than leave her to cry alone and give up when she realizes no one is coming to help her.

She may not have explicit memory of these years, but my loving and (mostly) consistent response will build for her a foundation of trust all the same.

God saw fit to bless me with a daughter that has trouble falling asleep and staying asleep.  She fits the definition of a “spirited” or “high-needs” baby. 

Dr. Sears offers 31 tips for nighttime parenting.  He also explains why high-need children sleep differently than others.  In the article, he suggests waiting for the "limp limb sign" before putting baby down and sneaking away.

Don't hurry. Trying to hurry your baby off to sleep is doomed to fail because babies go to sleep differently than adults. In the early months, in order to reach a state of deep sleep, babies need to go through a 20 to 30 minute stage of lighter sleep. If you try to put babies down and sneak away during this light sleep stage, many will wake up. You need to continue your ritual until you are certain baby is in a deep sleep. Here's how to tell: Watch baby's face and limbs. If baby's mouth is still grimacing or showing "sleep grins," his eyelids are fluttering, and his arms are flexed with hands in fists, baby is still in the state of light sleep. Once baby's face is expressionless, eyes and mouth are still, limbs dangle and hands are wide open (we call this the limp-limb sign), chances are baby has entered deep sleep, and you can put baby down on his back and quietly creep away. This is just one of the many facets of baby-care that teaches parents patience.

Did you catch that last sentence? "This is just one of the many facets of baby-care that teaches parents patience."  Boy does it ever! 

Over the past 2.5 years of parenting my little C to sleep, I've been humbled over and over again as I realize just how impatient and selfish I am.  C is so sensitive, that if I am at all eager to "escape" and relax with my husband or go accomplish one of the many things on my to-do list (even if it's just to catch up on Gentle Christian Mothers!), she can feel the tension in my body and will go on alert too.  It is not until I am fully present with her, relaxed in the moment, submitting myself to the discipline of stillness, patience and self-sacrifice that she too will relax and allow herself to fall asleep. 

There are a few times in particular when I find it difficult to be patient and fully relax. 

One is when I'm facing a deadline for my work-at-home job recording textbooks for visually disabled students.  To avoid undue background noise, I can only do my recording while C is asleep or not in the house.  The times when it goes well and I can fully relax are the times when I pray something like this, "God, you know how much work I have to get done, but I am a parent first.  I trust that you will make time for me to meet my other commitments if I am faithful in helping this precious girl you've given me get the sleep she needs."   And you know what?  He always comes through for me.

The times when I fail the most are the times when I am feeling irritable, tired and entitled to some space and time to myself.  Those are the times when God opens my eyes to how much I am like the snake that Roy Hession describes in his book, The Calvary Road.

Those who have been in tropical lands tell us that there is a big difference between a snake and a worm, when you attempt to strike at them. The snake rears itself up and hisses and tries to strike back – a true picture of self. But a worm offers no resistance, it allows you to do what you like with it, kick it or squash it under your heel – a picture of true brokenness.  

Lately, nap times in particular have been more and more of a struggle.  C is perhaps approaching the time when she will give up naps.  She at least would like to skip it and stay awake as not to miss a minute of all the fun and interesting things the world holds for a toddler.  But I know based on her behavior when she does not have one how much she really does need to sleep or at least to rest for a few hours each day. 

In the past few months, I have become more and more controlling in my efforts to help her sleep.  I wanted to rush her through the process by forbidding any wiggles, or anything that I perceived as her fighting sleep and thereby daring to keep me away from what I wanted to be doing instead.  My work-at-home job is done for the season, so these were purely selfish pursuits I was being denied.

So I started doing some things I'm not proud of.  I've told her if she couldn't stop herself from moving her body so sleep could come find her, I'd help her, and I held her in a gentle but firm bear hug while she screamed and struggled to get away.  While this can be a gentle technique, I was using it punitively and her reaction told me it was scary for her and yet I persisted.  When I let her go, she was compliant and ready to sleep, but it was far from the peaceful transition to sleep that I want for her to have.  Another time I got so angry with her that I had to leave the room to stop myself from physically hurting her.  While I calmed myself down, she screamed hysterically behind the door.  When I calmed down enough to return, again she was exhausted and ready to sleep.  Regrettably, I started falling back on these techniques to get her to sleep.  Not exactly consciously, but it seemed to happen more and more often that she'd either be screaming because I was holding her down or screaming because I had left the room to control my anger. 

One of those times happened while my husband was home last weekend.  C prefers to have both parents there while she transitions to sleep if we are both available, so he was in her room with us.  She flopped around the bed, asked for water, asked to go potty, kicked the rail of her bed, asked for covers, kicked off covers, asked to be held, climbed out of my lap, asked me to lay down with her, refused to lay down herself ad nauseum.  All while yawning and rubbing her eyes.  She needed sleep, and I told myself she was fighting sleep on purpose.  I thought, "I'm not putting up with this anymore," and "She can't get away with this," and got locked into forcing her to hold still and stop talking.  I only succeeded in riling her up.  Seeing C's distress and my rising temper, my husband insisted that I leave the room. 

While I was gone, the Holy Spirit impressed on my heart how wrong I was and had been to be so controlling and angry.  I did not like how I was treating my child and it needed to stop. 

Stopping this unkind behavior and selfish thoughts has not been easy and I still have failures.  C is still having a particularly rough time transitioning to sleep.  Daily I must face the struggle to choose to be the worm instead of the snake.  To choose to trust God to fulfill my desires to be elsewhere in His timing.  To choose to submit to the task at hand and be fully present in the moment.  To choose to stop the self-talk that agitates and embitters me against my daughter, and instead choose new thoughts and attitudes that enjoy the moment for what it is: precious time with a girl that is growing so fast. 

The rewards of faithfulness have been great:

On one succesful night, we went through our bedtime routine and got to the point where we were in C's room and all that was left was for her to go to sleep.  I sat in the chair by her bed where we nurse.  She climbed off her bed and into my lap, and started talking and asking questions.  Rather than insisting she stay on her bed, or shushing her and saying it was time for sleep, I engaged in a low key conversation with lots of snuggles and kisses.  She got down out of my lap and turned the nightlight off and then on again, and came right back.  She climbed up, nuzzled her head to my chest and fell fast asleep.  I held her for a moment, then gently put her down on her bed and left the room.

Another night, I sat on her bed with her while my husband sat on the chair.  After a few minutes of snuggling and quiet talking, she moved to her dad.  In the past I would have insisted she stay on the bed and gotten into a physical struggle to keep her there.  Instead I watched to see what she would do.  She gave her daddy a hug and kiss, then snuggled down into his arms and fell asleep.  It was a precious moment to witness, and one I would have missed had I tried to over-control the situation instead of trusting my God and the instincts and abilities He gave my daughter.


And yet, the struggle still continues, and I could use your prayers, dear reader. 

Last night, it took 90 minutes for her to finally drift off to sleep.  She was tired, even laying still, but just the sight of her open eyes began to anger me, and I had to turn my face away and ask God to help me die to my self once more.  Today I felt I had to leave the room to control my anger again, but I came back more quickly than before.  I am so grateful that Grace is for mamas too.

God is using her struggles with sleep to draw out and show me the ugly places where my heart still needs work to be conformed to the likeness of Christ.  It is a daily opportunity to make the choice to take up my cross and follow Him who laid down his life for me.

Faithful in the Small Things

In the women's Bible study we are going through the life of David.  Recently the topic was David's sins of lust and adultery with Bathsheba and murder of Bathsheba's husband Uriah. 

THE STORY
The interesting thing about David's sin is that it all started when he wasn't where he should have been.  Instead of going out to battle with his men, he decided to stay home.  Such a little thing.  No harm in taking a break every once in a while, but then again, there is a time for everything. 

Then he took an afternoon nap on his roof and when he woke up, caught the glimpse of Bathsheba he wasn't meant to have.  He then made a choice to prolong the look or continue to keep it in his minds' eye.  Such little things.  One look, one thought, one fantasy ... no big deal, right?

Except he kept thinking about her, and decided he had to know who she was.

Even when he was told she was married to Uriah, one of his most loyal men, he disregarded that information and ordered her to be brought to him.  He slept with her, and when they found out she was pregnant, he tried to cover up by bringing Uriah home from the battle.  When Uriah's sense of duty kept at the palace and away from his wife, David got him drunk and tried again.  When that didn't work, David sent him on his way with orders to his commander to send Uriah and others on an unnecessarily dangerous mission, one that meant almost certain death for the whole squad.  

How different things might have been if David had only gone to battle!  Or, if he had chosen to avert his eyes and put the image of Bathsheba out of his mind the moment he accidentally saw her.  Temptation to sin is best avoided all together.  If it is unavoidable or one simply hasn't effectively avoided it in a given instance, the next best thing is to "flee" either literally or mentally.  

APPLICATION
Likewise for me.  How often does a simple decision to put something off, to procrastinate, to rest a little now, lead to unneded stress later, stress that causes me to become irritable and feel annoyed with or resentful of my husband and daughter?  

And once the irritation is upon me, it really is up to me to choose what to do with those thoughts and feelings.  I can either fan the spark of irritation until it becomes anger and rage and unkind words and actions, or I can stamp out the spark as soon as I see it and replace it with the loving kind and gentle thoughts words and actions.

My choice to be faithful to the small things I have to do blesses my family and myself.  This simple idea of being faithful in the small things has energized me this week and given me courage to tackle some tasks that sometimes seem overwhelming.

OTHER EXAMPLES
"Daily" "Quiet" Time with God
I don't want to be legalistic about this but a concentrated time of reflection has been missing from my life and I decided to add it back in.  It isn't exactly daily. Thursday and Friday last week and today I've done this over breakfast, but I missed Saturday and Sunday when I was out of town visiting family.  It isn't exactly quiet. C sits next to me and chatters while she eats her breakfast, and I am frequently interrupted.  But I've been using lack of consistency and inability to have true quiet as excuses long enough.  I will choose to be faithful to this small thing, one day at a time. 

I've been using a method I learned at Mariners Church -- journaling about yesterday, asking God to reveal insights, then reading a portion of Scripture and looking for one thing I can apply that day, then writing out a prayer using the ACTS acronym. 

Housework
Doing things as I see they need to be done versus putting them off until later is the big thing here.  Reminding myself when it feels like a chore that it is a way to bless my family. 

Diet
Keeping strictly to the dairy free diet that C and I require, and not giving in to temptation to cheat "just this once" as a treat.  Starting a gluten free diet that I'm hoping will help me with some IBS-like symptoms and general fatigue and brain fog (Today is day 1 ... planning to evaluate after 30 days).

Discipline of Rest

There was a time in my life when God's law seemed burdensome, condemning and impossible. Lately though I've been seeing it as good, as God's instructions for our best life.

Along the way, I've been learning about Biblical holidays and feasts. How beautiful it is that they point to Christ! (This website is a good overview). I'm interested in doing something this year to mark them -- to join in divine history and celebrate God's creative and saving action in the past, present and future.

The next major feast is the Feast of Trumpets (September 8 this year).

But I don't have to wait until then to start celebrating one of God's days.

Every week, there is an opportunity to keep the fourth commandment to remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy.

But what would that look like?

I don't want to get caught up in a bunch of rabbinical laws or other forms of legalism.

I like this list of 10 simple principles over at The Sabbath Manifesto. I like the idea of a "Family Fun Day" where we relax and reconnect together and make a point to talk about and enjoy God and his creation.

Tonight I think I'll light some candles around 7:45. Maybe we'll go to a park or the beach as a family tomorrow. Keep the TV and computer off. Visit family. Enjoy a quiet day of rest.

Life without Fear?

"We're taking a survey on this week's attendance cards: what's your greatest fear?" the pastor asked.

I listed some on a blank piece of paper so that DH could review them and check off his, and I'd write that down.

• lose a child
• lose a spouse
• lose health
• lose job
• bankruptcy
• business failure
• natural disaster
• war
• unknown

He ultimately picked job loss/bankruptcy as his biggest fear. Mine would probably be lose a child.

Interesting.

We are currently experiencing what it is like to go through extended job loss. Bankruptcy is out of the picture for now, but still could be a possibility.

We recently got a scare of what it could be like to lose a child. (Still praising God for his merciful protection and healing).

And, through it all, God has been faithful. God's people have been His hands and feet of love, support, and generosity. I am still his beloved daughter.

My pen got itching to write and the following spilled out:

In light of those profound fears, why should I cower before such petty concerns as

• whether the work I put into my writing will turn out to be a waste of time
• whether my writing is "good enough"
• what people will think of me

If some of our worst fears have come true, and we are still safe in God's hands, how much more can I trust him to take bold steps? Whom then shall I fear?

Why let melancholy dim my outlook?

Why stay isolated and inward fearing loss of approval/reputation/image when nothing can separate my from God's love?

Any pain and sadness that comes from failure or tragedy will be all too real, but it will fade compared to the weight of eternity and God's power and his enduring grace and love.

I'm free to love with ABANDON!

The adventure waits ...

We're about to embark ...

We're already on our way ...

I will not shirk from hard work.

There are no guarantees of results or success, but I'm done wasting my
potential because of Fear, Timidity and Hopelessness. I choose Purpose,
Discipline, Commitment, Courage and HOPE!

Bold words. Inspiring words!

They filled me with warmth, light and joy as I wrote them, and I sang with abandon as the message on Joshua and courage drew to a close.

And then, I had another more sobering thought:

Fear isn't just an emotion.

It's a habit.

It's a collection of automatic responses and defense mechanisms.

It will truly take becoming a living sacrifice by daily renewing my mind to start to live as though I have no fear.

I think I'll start by meditating on/memorizing Joshua 1:9 (click the link for other translations, Amplified version below):

Have not I commanded you? Be strong, vigorous, and very courageous. Be not afraid, neither be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

Simplicity

Our 700SF 1BR/1BA condo is listed for sale. It goes up on the MLS tomorrow, and our agents are coming by to take pictures. Although prices are still depressed compared to the 2006 inflated levels, there is buying activity going on, and we're expecting a lot of showings.

All that to say that we've been working hard for the past 10 days or so on "staging" our place for sale. Besides rearranging and removing some furniture, the primary activities of staging have been extreme decluttering.

We rented a 5'x10' storage unit to keep all the stuff until we're ready for it again.

Rather than a feeling of sacrifice, I've been surprised to find the functioning of our day to day lives has not been significantly different without the items in storage. In fact, I love the way our house feels without them. If it is so extraneous, it makes me wonder why I've been holding on to it? Why did I live in such a cramped way just for the sake of hoarding things I might need someday when we might live in larger quarters?

DSC03559
Originally uploaded by Sierdsmama

Our bedroom is the first room to be absolutely finished. I love to be in there. It feels cool, relaxing and spacious.


I'm very encouraged to continue allowing the Holy Spirit to build the discipline of simplicity into our lives. When we finally get our stuff out of storage and have the ability to go through it and make decisions about what we need, what we like and what can go, I hope I can remember what it was like to be in my pristine bedroom and make wiser choices.

Father's Love Letter

Last night our Bible study talked about Romans 12:1 in the context of worship. How we are to worship God with our whole lives, and not just for a prescribed time on Sundays or even just a special quiet time during the day.

Today I was thinking about the following verse, Romans 12:2

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will.

We are to renew our minds by filling it with truth. Meditating on who God is and who we are in Him.

At another Bible study on Tuesday, I was introduced to the Father's Love Letter. It's a paraphrase of many of the Bible's great verses on God's passionate, intimate love for us, written like a personal letter. There are so many great truths there that I needed to be reminded of.

• That God has every day of my life written in His book and knows all the times and seasons. We may not know where we will be living in a month or three months, but He does.
• That God can do more for us than we can possibly imagine. Building a business as an insurance agent in some ways seems risky, but we have been diligently seeking His will and if this is it, he will be the best business partner we could ask for.
• That He comforts us in our troubles. I don't have to pretend that this situation isn't stressful or that I'm completely at peace. Like David in the Psalms, and Jesus in the garden, I can cry out to God in the pain of this uncertainty and receive comfort.

"Quiet Time" for Mothers

I'm participating in a six week spiritual foundations study through our church. Day 2 encourages us to pick a 30 minute block of time for Quiet Time each day.

Quiet Time, or rather, my lack of one -- or at least one meeting the ideal criteria -- has frequently been a source of guilt in my life.

Before Pookaloo came along, I wasn't the most faithful keeper of a quiet time, but I did read Scripture regularly, participated in Bible studies and mostly kept up with any assigned homework. I'd use prayer journals. My spiritual practice was eclectic, and intermittent, but regular in the sense that I kept going back to it even if I'd miss days here and there.

Since she came along, my pattern has changed again. I so rarely have time alone or time that is just for me that I've felt as though a set aside time with God is impossible. Reading this blog post, however, makes me realize that I'm still practicing God's presence in my eclectic, intermittent way, and that there are ways to enrich and deepen that even though it seems impossible to find 30 minutes of "uninterrupted" time.

Truly freeing and encouraging to me to read this today. Even the comments were helpful, since it let me know that I'm certainly not alone in this!

A Great Sermon on Parenting

This wonderful sermon by Tom Atchinson of Fox Valley Church is part of a series. I found a link to it on the Gentle Christian Mothers message board. It ties in perfectly with the theme of my blog: how God disciplines/teaches us and how we in turn are to discipline/teach our children.

It's long and has a few interesting tangents. I hope you can find time to listen and get as much out of it as I did.


Here's just one of the many nuggets of wisdom that I found really worthwhile:

Ask yourself, is the spirit of God working in your son or daughter?

Pastor Tom says we can be assured that the answer is yes, regardless of whether or not they are a believer, since Scripture says that the Holy Spirit is convicting the world of sin, righteousness and judgment, and he works to draw every believer closer to the Father. Our job is to discern and then get in line with what God is already doing in their hearts.

Faded Faith

This article by Roxanne Wieman from the September/October issue of RELEVANT Magazine contains a lot of wisdom.

Here are some of my favorite nuggets:

pg. 55:

It's easy to look back at the good times and feel like it was the forms – the activities – that made those times what they were and want to reengage them. ... "The danger is that your relationship with God can move into a relationship with religion rather than God," ... To try and recreate the spiritual high by recreating the activities of that time can lead to frustration, burnout and legalism – ultimately decaying your relationship with God. ... "You'll be the last to discover the ritual is empty and you're doing it alone – God has moved on – because we have elevated the practice over his presence."

pg. 56:

"If you care [about your relationship with God], then you need to embrace the instruments of spontaneity and structure – side-by-side. The sustainability of spiritual practices in our life hinges on the harmony of these two perspectives."

pg. 57:

When we recognize God is part of – and working in – every area of our life, we rely on Him more and seek Him more often, not waiting until or relying on those prescribed forms of connecting. Nor are we so quick to think we're failing in our relationship because we haven't had a good "quiet time" in months.

Some disciplines come easier than others

I'd say that study is the discipline that comes most naturally to me. I like to research, think critically, learn and ponder, and I was doing it even before I knew it was a spiritual discipline that I'm "supposed to" do.

Meditation and prayer may not come as naturally, but are fairly comfortable once I get started as long as I remember that there's not necessarily a "right" way to do them.

But fasting? THAT is hard for me. Almost unthinkable. I have to confess, the whole time I was reading the chapter on fasting, I was looking for a loophole. Do I really have to stop eating or give anything up? I'm breastfeeding, so I don't really have to add fasting to my spiritual life, right? It's not an actual COMMAND, so I'm not a bad Christian if I don't do it, right?

God, I confess that although Jesus said, "WHEN you fast rather than IF you fast," I have a stubborn and rebellious heart and greedy body that can't bear to think about deprivation. Even the thought of a partial fast or restricted diet is hard for me. You know that even though I'm pretty severely lactose intolerant, I still am known to consume dairy products or dishes with milk in them and just deal with the consequences. If you want me to fast, please give me the desire, conviction and discipline to do so. Amen.

Discipline

In some ways, I don't have a lot of self-discipline. My life has never been regimented or orderly. I like to do things a little differently each time, and on top of that I have a strong tendency toward daydreaming and forgetfulness.

So, sometimes the phrase spiritual discpline rankles me.

When I was younger, I was always feeling guilty for not praying enough, not studying enough, not being good enough period. I was looking to myself and my works or approval from some outside source for value and a feeling of "right-ness" with God. If I could just do "it" -- whatever the discipline or self-help method of the day was -- as prescribed, my life would be better.

It never worked, and always left me empty, exhausted from striving and wondering if it was even possible to please God or get that feeling of "right-ness".

What is discpline? Is it punishment? The root word discpile rules out that interpretation. To be a disciple is to be an apprentice, to be a trainee, to be guided. No, discipline and punishment are not equivalent.

So what is discpline or should I better ask what are THE discplineS? Are they habits? Are they required acts of service and devotion that prove how Christian we are? Are they chores or drudgery?

The best I can understand it and put it into words, the disciplines are the way we live out practice and deepen our faith. They are dynamic, give and take, unique to every person yet common to man ways of expressing our love to God and receiving His love for us. This abundant life is strong, but yet it is fragile and vulnerable to overexamination, striving and pride. In a way, life with God has an uncertainty principle that makes it difficult to measure or talk about directly.

I've noticed that, for me at least, the moment I begin to try to nail the discplines down and define them, there is a risk of introducing pride. Pride will choke the life blood and turn the disciplines into burdens, dead works and drudgery. In a word, legalism. Perhaps the danger is in thinking the description of one person's experience is a prescription rather than an inspiration for your own journey? Or to presume to reduce to rules on paper what was always meant to be a dance?

In Richard Foster's The Celebration of the Disciplines, he outlines and discusses four inward disciplines (meditation, prayer, fasting, study), four outward disciplines (simplicity, solitude, submission and service) and four corporate disciplines (confession, worship, guidance and celebration). I've read his chapters on inward disciplines and the first outward discipline, and I'd like to share my thoughts on them here along with the later chapters as I read them. This is a work that needs to be savored, digested and discussed.

Prayer -- where I started from

In my family the only prayer ever modeled for us was the trite recitation of the old Lutheran favorite when we sat down together at meals. We’d holler and jostle around the table, but when my father said, “Let’s pray,” suddenly we’d settle down and say in a sing-song cadence:

Come Lord Jesus
Be our guest
And let thy gifts to us be
blest
Amen

And then we would dig in. The fact that we could talk to God was pretty much forgotten about until the next day when we would all sit down to dinner again. There were rules and exceptions though. If we ate out, no prayer. If my dad were out of town on a business trip and my mom just made us kids macaroni and cheese or pancakes for dinner because it was easier, well there might not be a prayer then either.

I might be exaggerating a little. It’s not like there weren’t other times when we prayed.

At church, toward the end of the service, the pastor would get up and face the altar and intone formal prayers that always began with lofty phrases such as “Almighty and everlasting God, since…” and when he got to the part when he said, “Lord in your mercy” we could respond with “hear our prayer.” Finally he would wrap up with the line, “as you taught us to pray” and we as a congregation would launch into a recitation of the Lord’s Prayer, always in the same sing-song voice as we said our Come Lord Jesus. When I started kindergarten at the Lutheran School, we also learned some short prayers written by Martin Luther that we would say during the weekly Wednesday chapel service or perhaps at the beginning of the school day.

And that was my whole understanding of what prayer was in a nutshell: formal words brought out and used at specific times, under the leadership of a parent, teacher or pastor. The concept of personal prayer was utterly foreign to me, and even today it is still difficult to discipline myself to do. Writing in my journal to God is the most natural way for me to pray.