I've heard it said that children form their first impressions of what God is like from their parents. Like most things we teach our kids, it's more about how we live and treat them than about what we say.
For example, I can say with my mouth that God is love and has grace for sinners, but if I also use that mouth to yell at and shame C for every perceived infraction and inconvenience I might feel she causes me, it might hinder her experiential understanding of that love and grace that I gave lip service to.
I want to do my best to faithfully represent God's character to my daughter and any other children I may have in the fuure with both my words and my actions.
So the question then is, what aspects of God's character can I imitate as a parent? What kind of parent is He? How does God respond to disobedience from His children?
Is God full of wrath and vengeance, looking for the slightest excuse to zap us with punishment?
Hundreds of years of history recorded in the Old Testament show us just the opposite. God is slow to anger, abounding in love. God warns and pleads and woos and relents at the least sign of repentance.
Christ's sacrifice on the cross is the ultimate unfolding of divine lovingkindness, mercy and grace.
God has every right to condemn and judge us or even to just leave us wallowing in the pain and agony we inflict upon ourselves, but instead, Christ came to take that judgment and set us free of the consequences of our sin.
God corrects, reproves and issues invitations to "Come let us reason together."
I've experienced this personally. During my my junior and senior year of college, I turned my back on the legalistic harsh taskmaster version of God I'd been exhausing myself striving to follow. God slowly wooed me to a deep understanding of his grace and lovingkindness.
That summer I lived in Youngstown, OH working as an intern at the copy desk of the local paper. God placed a longing in my heart for spiritual things that led me to stop the radio on a Christian station with grace-filled messages, a longing that led me to try to find a church to attend one Sunday. There a wonderful family welcomed me warmly and adopted me as an honorary family member for the summer. At the same time, a dear friend from college kept up a correspondence by mail with me. Her letters shone with gentle gratitude for God's goodness and grace that was contagious.
Yet I didn't immediately repent. I was entangled in a sexual relationship, and I wasn't ready to give it up. In fact, I went further off track, moving in with my partner the summer after college and reading up on zen Buddhism and other new age philosophies.
Fast forward a few months, when the relationship inevitably fell apart. God reached out to me through His people again. Instead of the expected judgment and I told you sos from my parents, they reminded me of the parable of the Prodigal Son, reminded me of the depth of God's grace and encouraged me that to come back to the faith.
By this point, I was once again living far from home, alone in a strange city. This time, I was in Miami, FL for graduate school. Again I felt the almost irresistable urge to find a church, and again I was adopted into the community. Though I still had some bad habits of partying, drunkenness and casual sex, God was patient with me. He led me to a small group Bible study and in the context of those deeper relationships, He started to heal my hurts and teach me more about His love. The more I understood his love, the more my bad habits became distasteful to me and fell away as naturally as a scab falling off when a wound is healed.
During that time, I did feel conviction from the Holy Spirit that was at times uncomfortable (though agonizing guilt and shame and lies of the enemy that I was damned for all eternity with no hope of redemption even if I repented were more often felt). Changing my lifestyle and breaking old habits and healing the wounds, some of which I had inflicted on myself, was painful at times.
In all this, God did not punish me. He even spared me some of the natural consequences of my actions. It was his kindness that ultimately led me to repentance.
That experience and others that followed so profoundly altered and deepened my understanding of grace that it touches every part of my life. It is a grace I must share and extend to others. I want everyone, but in particular my child, to understand and experience the depth and heighth and breadth of God's unfathomable grace.
Showing posts with label biblical foundation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label biblical foundation. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Thoughts on Authority and Servant Leadership
Dr. James Dobson and Gary Ezzo are two current proponents of authoritarian parenting, a way of thinking which implies that parents must maintain their authority and use punishment to discipline away any perceived challenges to that authority by their children. (For a specific commentary on problems with Dobson, see Dare to Disciple; for problems with Ezzo, see ezzo.info).
I've been wondering lately what would become of us if God held that view of authority for Himself. After all, He is the ultimate authority, and we are all His children. We challenge His authority every day in myriad small and big ways, "in thought, word and deed, by what we have done and by what we have left undone" to quote the Lutheran liturgy I grew up saying on Sundays.
The answer is clear: as the liturgy goes on to say, "we justly deserve your [that is, God's] present and eternal punishment."
And yet, as the hymn in Philippians 2 beautifully states,
God did not consider his authority something to be grasped, but humbly came to earth to save us and show us a better way to live. Could it be that God's will for my use of parental authority then may be different than the vision put forth by authoritarian parenting experts?
Yes, in fact, Jesus instructed his followers to use servant leadership in Matthew 20:
Servant Leadership Parenting?
Positive Parenting requires a servant attitude. It can seem like more work to get off my butt and make it happen by setting my child up for success and helping her comply when necessary. By contrast, punitive parenting experts offer visions of quick compliance to commands the parent issues from across the room (whether it works out that way in reality is another matter).
Crystal Lutton, in her article "Manager or Leader?" explains:
Regardless of whether you want to keep punishment in your toolbox or not, every parent can benefit from learning positive parenting techniques to help eliminate that punitive/permissive swing.
Reflecting Feelings as Servant Leadership
I'm currently going through a book discussion group on How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. Chapter One is about helping children deal with their feelings by simply acknowledging them, without denying them or downplaying them, or even giving advice or excessive pity.
We have a chance to practice this skill every night at bedtime. For example, last night C threw herself to the floor in tears because the bathroom door had been closed when she wanted it to be open. To us it seemed like no big deal, and it was almost comical that she was so upset about something so trivial.
We could respond by trying to hush her and saying, "Whether the door is open or closed is not important enough to cry over." But experience has shown that a response like that only increases her upset and our frustration.
We could respond by rushing to open the door and cater to her wish. Experience has shown that at bedtime when she is tired, she will often then be upset that the door is open, or find another thing to fuss about.
Our best response is to say "You wanted the door open, and Daddy closed it. You are upset that the door is closed." And let her finish having her feelings about it while we are there offering calm and loving support. Often, fits over trivial things are just an outlet for a child to express a bigger, scarier frustration (see Patty Wipfler's Hand In Hand Parenting fr more on this).
Yes, it takes a servant leader's heart to take the time to see what my child really needs, to admit that although it seems trivial to me, it is important to her for some reason, and to take the time to be present with her and allow the fruits of the Spirit to be made manifest in my relationship with her.
I've been wondering lately what would become of us if God held that view of authority for Himself. After all, He is the ultimate authority, and we are all His children. We challenge His authority every day in myriad small and big ways, "in thought, word and deed, by what we have done and by what we have left undone" to quote the Lutheran liturgy I grew up saying on Sundays.
The answer is clear: as the liturgy goes on to say, "we justly deserve your [that is, God's] present and eternal punishment."
And yet, as the hymn in Philippians 2 beautifully states,
5 In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:
6 Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
7 rather, he made himself nothing
by taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
8 And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
by becoming obedient to death—
even death on a cross! (Philippians 2:5-8, New International Version)
God did not consider his authority something to be grasped, but humbly came to earth to save us and show us a better way to live. Could it be that God's will for my use of parental authority then may be different than the vision put forth by authoritarian parenting experts?
Yes, in fact, Jesus instructed his followers to use servant leadership in Matthew 20:
Servant Leadership Parenting?
25 Jesus called them together and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. 26 Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, 27 and whoever wants to be first must be your slave— 28 just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” (Matthew 20:25-28, New International Version)
Positive Parenting requires a servant attitude. It can seem like more work to get off my butt and make it happen by setting my child up for success and helping her comply when necessary. By contrast, punitive parenting experts offer visions of quick compliance to commands the parent issues from across the room (whether it works out that way in reality is another matter).
Crystal Lutton, in her article "Manager or Leader?" explains:
When first learning about Grace-Based Discipline (GBD) many people ask this question, “Does it work?” My answer has become, “What do you want it to do?”Of course punishing children is unpleasant work, and is usually not a "once and done" situation where a child will never repeat the behavior they were punished for ever again. No matter the teaching or training technique, children need repetition. So, because teaching takes repetition and punishing children is unpleasant, it often happens that parents who lack positive discipline tools swing to the permissive (a word I'm using here to mean saying something but then not enforcing it) side of parenting until they get so fed up that they become angry and perhaps harsher in punishment than they may have been otherwise.
Parents who are stuck in the management style of running their home will find themselves frustrated with implementing GBD. It is easier to smack your child than to stop what you’re doing and help them work through a conflict. It is easier to send your child to their room to “think about it” than it is to implement active listening and reflect feelings. It is easier to yell at your child than to go to them and make something happen. If you want to remain a manager in your home you will likely prefer the punitive methods because they are easier and create a false sense of having well-managed your home. After all, you did something about it.
Regardless of whether you want to keep punishment in your toolbox or not, every parent can benefit from learning positive parenting techniques to help eliminate that punitive/permissive swing.
Reflecting Feelings as Servant Leadership
I'm currently going through a book discussion group on How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. Chapter One is about helping children deal with their feelings by simply acknowledging them, without denying them or downplaying them, or even giving advice or excessive pity.
We have a chance to practice this skill every night at bedtime. For example, last night C threw herself to the floor in tears because the bathroom door had been closed when she wanted it to be open. To us it seemed like no big deal, and it was almost comical that she was so upset about something so trivial.
We could respond by trying to hush her and saying, "Whether the door is open or closed is not important enough to cry over." But experience has shown that a response like that only increases her upset and our frustration.
We could respond by rushing to open the door and cater to her wish. Experience has shown that at bedtime when she is tired, she will often then be upset that the door is open, or find another thing to fuss about.
Our best response is to say "You wanted the door open, and Daddy closed it. You are upset that the door is closed." And let her finish having her feelings about it while we are there offering calm and loving support. Often, fits over trivial things are just an outlet for a child to express a bigger, scarier frustration (see Patty Wipfler's Hand In Hand Parenting fr more on this).
Yes, it takes a servant leader's heart to take the time to see what my child really needs, to admit that although it seems trivial to me, it is important to her for some reason, and to take the time to be present with her and allow the fruits of the Spirit to be made manifest in my relationship with her.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
A Stand for Truth
2 Timothy 2:24-25
A servant of the Lord must not quarrel but must be kind to everyone, be able to teach, and be patient with difficult people. Gently instruct those who oppose the truth. Perhaps God will change those people’s hearts, and they will learn the truth.
In this passage, Paul is exhorting Timothy in how to properly react to false teachers. In this morning's sermon, Pastor John used it to illustrate a point about standing for truth in a world that prefers spin, hype and illusion.
God used it to speak to me about a particular truth, one about Biblical parenting.
If false teachers are to be treated kindly and patiently and instructed gently, how much more should I be kind, patient and gentle with my child? If it's God's job to change the hearts of false teachers, then it stands to reason that it is God's job to change my child's heart.
Yet there are some who claim that spanking is ordained by God, that spanking is necessary to effect change in a child's heart.
Does that argument hold up in light of the hundreds of verses in the Bible that tell us how to treat others? Jesus made it clear that we are to love (exhibit the fruit of the Spirit toward) not only our friends and family, but also our enemies and enemies of God.
Let's be blunt. Spanking is hitting a smaller and weaker person. It is a violent act.
It is only through verbal gymnastics that one can argue that a violent response is a kind, patient or gentle response to child, no matter how disobedient, immature or inconvenient their behavior.
Children are fully human and are not in a separate category or an exception to the verses that tell us how God wants us to treat our fellow man.
But what of the six "rod" verses in Proverbs? Don't they command corporal punishment?
First consider the source and style of writing. Proverbs is a book of poetry and wisdom, where many if not most of the sayings are meant to create a picture rather than be taken literally. Therefore they must be interpreted in light of the rest of Scripture, particularly plain verses of instruction such as those found in Paul's epistles.
In light of the many verses urging us to kindness, gentleness and patience, and the type of literature and context, isn't it reasonable to could it be that the "rod" in the verses is a metaphor for authority rather than a literal implement to be used as a weapon of violence?
For more thoughts on the biblical arguments against spanking, please visit Why Not Train a Child, particularly the series Spanking is NOT God's Will, and Dare to Disciple.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Encouragement through Discouraging Times
I have so much to be thankful for. So much that is going well: my physical and emotional health are better since going gluten free. I completed revisions of my novel and am getting great feedback from beta readers. I have a beautiful daughter, terrific husband. My garden is thriving, and the caring for the baby chicks I bought this week and planning for their housing has become a very fun family project.
And yet, there are a few areas where I can tend to get discouraged.
Trying to conceive our second child, for instance. Woke up this morning to the evidence that we will have to keep trying.
Another is my husband's efforts to build an insurance business. He's working hard, talking to lots of people, but his efforts are slow to bear fruit.
And, last but not least, the daily grind of the small tasks of household management and mothering provide plenty of fodder for discouragement. The bed needs to be made ... again. The toddler made a mess ... again. My firm and kind response to a typical toddler behavior wasn't a miracle cure ... she's still a toddler and I need to provide that same kind and firm response the next time it happens, even if it's minutes later.
It's easy to lose focus and get tired and discouraged!
I love how God speaks through others to deliver a word to us right when we need to hear it.
This morning's sermon drew from 1 Kings 19. Elijah just finished the battle on Mount Carmel with the prophets of Baal. God won, and for a brief moment it looked like the people's hearts and even Ahab's heart might be turning back toward God. Then, Jezebel puts out a death warrant for Elijah and he runs for his life.
From the highest high he goes to the lowest low, a fugitive alone out in the wilderness, praying to God that his life would end now.
As James says, I'm of like nature or like passion with Elijah. How many times have I been in the same place, sitting under my figurative broom tree, having a pity party because things didn't turn out like I planned, feeling alone in my efforts. My lament is similar to his: "I've had it!" "I give up!" "I'm the only one doing XYZ! Doesn't anyone help out around here?" "Is this really what you want Lord if there's no fruit?"
That kind of discouragement comes when I focus on my own efforts and my own expectations of what results those efforts should yield. It comes when I despise the small things and think I'm ready to move on to bigger things.
God's response is to Elijah is so tender, so gentle. He sends the angel of the Lord to touch, feed, and minister to Elijah. He graciously shows Elijah that indeed he is not alone in serving Him.
God has called me to be faithful with the small things he's given me. To love my husband body and soul and accept whatever children He blesses us with in His time. To pray for, encourage and support my husband as he builds his business and make it possible for him to focus on that by how I manage my share of the household work. To do my part and trust God to do His part.
That truly encouraged me this morning, and I share it here to solidify it in my own heart and in the hope it may encourage someone else.
And yet, there are a few areas where I can tend to get discouraged.
Trying to conceive our second child, for instance. Woke up this morning to the evidence that we will have to keep trying.
Another is my husband's efforts to build an insurance business. He's working hard, talking to lots of people, but his efforts are slow to bear fruit.
And, last but not least, the daily grind of the small tasks of household management and mothering provide plenty of fodder for discouragement. The bed needs to be made ... again. The toddler made a mess ... again. My firm and kind response to a typical toddler behavior wasn't a miracle cure ... she's still a toddler and I need to provide that same kind and firm response the next time it happens, even if it's minutes later.
It's easy to lose focus and get tired and discouraged!
I love how God speaks through others to deliver a word to us right when we need to hear it.
This morning's sermon drew from 1 Kings 19. Elijah just finished the battle on Mount Carmel with the prophets of Baal. God won, and for a brief moment it looked like the people's hearts and even Ahab's heart might be turning back toward God. Then, Jezebel puts out a death warrant for Elijah and he runs for his life.
From the highest high he goes to the lowest low, a fugitive alone out in the wilderness, praying to God that his life would end now.
As James says, I'm of like nature or like passion with Elijah. How many times have I been in the same place, sitting under my figurative broom tree, having a pity party because things didn't turn out like I planned, feeling alone in my efforts. My lament is similar to his: "I've had it!" "I give up!" "I'm the only one doing XYZ! Doesn't anyone help out around here?" "Is this really what you want Lord if there's no fruit?"
That kind of discouragement comes when I focus on my own efforts and my own expectations of what results those efforts should yield. It comes when I despise the small things and think I'm ready to move on to bigger things.
God's response is to Elijah is so tender, so gentle. He sends the angel of the Lord to touch, feed, and minister to Elijah. He graciously shows Elijah that indeed he is not alone in serving Him.
God has called me to be faithful with the small things he's given me. To love my husband body and soul and accept whatever children He blesses us with in His time. To pray for, encourage and support my husband as he builds his business and make it possible for him to focus on that by how I manage my share of the household work. To do my part and trust God to do His part.
That truly encouraged me this morning, and I share it here to solidify it in my own heart and in the hope it may encourage someone else.
Friday, April 29, 2011
52 Tools Cards: Distract and Redirect
I've been pondering the best way to go through the tool cards. I took notes on Single Dad Brad's experience and what he thought he'd do differently.
So, I've decided to go semi-randomly through the deck, starting with ones that seem most applicable to life with a 2.5 year old. I'll offer my thoughts and understanding of the tool, or share an experience with one I used a lot during a given week.
Today's card is Distract and Redirect. I've heavily relied on this tool during the early toddler years.
The underlying principle is this:
Tool for Self-Discipline
For example, say you want to break a bad habit, maybe snacking too much. When you have the urge to snack, simply telling yourself not to snack keeps the focus on snacking. "Don't snack, don't snack, don't SNACK," your brain thinks. Eventually you give in, eat a snack and kick yourself for your lack of willpower. More effective is choosing ahead of time what you will do instead of snacking, preferably something incompatible with snacking or that distracts you from your desire to snack. Suck on sugar free candy. Get a drink of water. Keep your hands busy with a craft. Go for a short walk. Read a book to your child.
Another way to think about it
What happens when you read:
Don't think about pink elephants!
Did you think about them? Why? I told you not to! You likely did think about them because your brain processes the phrase "pink elephants" and starts picturing them before it even gets around to noticing the "don't" part of the sentence.
If even adult brains have this issue, it's doubly true for young children who think very concretely.
Don't is a more abstract concept than do. Saying "don't" puts the focus on the undesired action.
All negative commands can be better understood and more readily followed if rephrased as a positive.
Simply put, don't say don't! Tell children what you want them TO do.
With very young children (preverbal toddlers), distraction is often enough. Become the tickle monster and scoop them away from the TV. Their short attention spans will quickly forget about the desired/forbidden object and you can consider how to change the environment to set your child up for success in the future so the issue isn't a constant battle (knob covers for the TV, move TV higher, get rid of the TV!)
And even with older children, there are times that words aren't necessary at all, and may even be counterproductive, especially during oppositional phases (like two and a half!). During those times, you may find another Positive Discipline tool, such as Act Without Words, gets better results.
There are so many creative ways the Distract and Redirect concept can be applied! I'd love to hear about your experiences with this tool in the comments!
So, I've decided to go semi-randomly through the deck, starting with ones that seem most applicable to life with a 2.5 year old. I'll offer my thoughts and understanding of the tool, or share an experience with one I used a lot during a given week.
Today's card is Distract and Redirect. I've heavily relied on this tool during the early toddler years.
The underlying principle is this:
Instead of saying "don't," redirect to a "do."It reflects a truth oft repeated in our culture, and its a Biblical principle as well. As the old song goes, "Accentuate the positive." Becky Bailey says in Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline, "What you focus on, you get more of." Phillipians 4:8: "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things."
Tool for Self-Discipline
For example, say you want to break a bad habit, maybe snacking too much. When you have the urge to snack, simply telling yourself not to snack keeps the focus on snacking. "
Another way to think about it
What happens when you read:
Don't think about pink elephants!
Did you think about them? Why? I told you not to! You likely did think about them because your brain processes the phrase "pink elephants" and starts picturing them before it even gets around to noticing the "don't" part of the sentence.
If even adult brains have this issue, it's doubly true for young children who think very concretely.
Don't is a more abstract concept than do. Saying "don't" puts the focus on the undesired action.
All negative commands can be better understood and more readily followed if rephrased as a positive.
Simply put, don't say don't! Tell children what you want them TO do.
| Instead Of | Try Saying |
| "Don't touch the TV knobs!" | "You may play with the blocks." (and lead them away from the TV to the blocks) |
| "No hitting!" | "Gentle touches." (and guide their hand to demonstrate what you mean) |
| "No standing in the shopping cart." | "Stay on your bottom." (and help them sit down) |
With very young children (preverbal toddlers), distraction is often enough. Become the tickle monster and scoop them away from the TV. Their short attention spans will quickly forget about the desired/forbidden object and you can consider how to change the environment to set your child up for success in the future so the issue isn't a constant battle (knob covers for the TV, move TV higher, get rid of the TV!)
And even with older children, there are times that words aren't necessary at all, and may even be counterproductive, especially during oppositional phases (like two and a half!). During those times, you may find another Positive Discipline tool, such as Act Without Words, gets better results.
There are so many creative ways the Distract and Redirect concept can be applied! I'd love to hear about your experiences with this tool in the comments!
Monday, April 11, 2011
Parenting to Sleep: a Spiritual Discipline
James 1:2-4 says:
Anyone who has parented a baby or toddler to sleep knows there are naps and nights when it can rightly be categorized as a trial!
Yet, it is a trial I have chosen and continue to choose to submit to and endure because of the belief that it is the right way to honor God’s command to love my neighbor as myself and treat the least of these as if they were Jesus.
From the first day I met my precious daughter, God gave me a mama heart that told me to respond to her cries and soothe her to sleep rather than leave her to cry alone and give up when she realizes no one is coming to help her.
She may not have explicit memory of these years, but my loving and (mostly) consistent response will build for her a foundation of trust all the same.
God saw fit to bless me with a daughter that has trouble falling asleep and staying asleep. She fits the definition of a “spirited” or “high-needs” baby.
Dr. Sears offers 31 tips for nighttime parenting. He also explains why high-need children sleep differently than others. In the article, he suggests waiting for the "limp limb sign" before putting baby down and sneaking away.
Did you catch that last sentence? "This is just one of the many facets of baby-care that teaches parents patience." Boy does it ever!
Over the past 2.5 years of parenting my little C to sleep, I've been humbled over and over again as I realize just how impatient and selfish I am. C is so sensitive, that if I am at all eager to "escape" and relax with my husband or go accomplish one of the many things on my to-do list (even if it's just to catch up on Gentle Christian Mothers!), she can feel the tension in my body and will go on alert too. It is not until I am fully present with her, relaxed in the moment, submitting myself to the discipline of stillness, patience and self-sacrifice that she too will relax and allow herself to fall asleep.
There are a few times in particular when I find it difficult to be patient and fully relax.
One is when I'm facing a deadline for my work-at-home job recording textbooks for visually disabled students. To avoid undue background noise, I can only do my recording while C is asleep or not in the house. The times when it goes well and I can fully relax are the times when I pray something like this, "God, you know how much work I have to get done, but I am a parent first. I trust that you will make time for me to meet my other commitments if I am faithful in helping this precious girl you've given me get the sleep she needs." And you know what? He always comes through for me.
The times when I fail the most are the times when I am feeling irritable, tired and entitled to some space and time to myself. Those are the times when God opens my eyes to how much I am like the snake that Roy Hession describes in his book, The Calvary Road.
Lately, nap times in particular have been more and more of a struggle. C is perhaps approaching the time when she will give up naps. She at least would like to skip it and stay awake as not to miss a minute of all the fun and interesting things the world holds for a toddler. But I know based on her behavior when she does not have one how much she really does need to sleep or at least to rest for a few hours each day.
In the past few months, I have become more and more controlling in my efforts to help her sleep. I wanted to rush her through the process by forbidding any wiggles, or anything that I perceived as her fighting sleep and thereby daring to keep me away from what I wanted to be doing instead. My work-at-home job is done for the season, so these were purely selfish pursuits I was being denied.
So I started doing some things I'm not proud of. I've told her if she couldn't stop herself from moving her body so sleep could come find her, I'd help her, and I held her in a gentle but firm bear hug while she screamed and struggled to get away. While this can be a gentle technique, I was using it punitively and her reaction told me it was scary for her and yet I persisted. When I let her go, she was compliant and ready to sleep, but it was far from the peaceful transition to sleep that I want for her to have. Another time I got so angry with her that I had to leave the room to stop myself from physically hurting her. While I calmed myself down, she screamed hysterically behind the door. When I calmed down enough to return, again she was exhausted and ready to sleep. Regrettably, I started falling back on these techniques to get her to sleep. Not exactly consciously, but it seemed to happen more and more often that she'd either be screaming because I was holding her down or screaming because I had left the room to control my anger.
One of those times happened while my husband was home last weekend. C prefers to have both parents there while she transitions to sleep if we are both available, so he was in her room with us. She flopped around the bed, asked for water, asked to go potty, kicked the rail of her bed, asked for covers, kicked off covers, asked to be held, climbed out of my lap, asked me to lay down with her, refused to lay down herself ad nauseum. All while yawning and rubbing her eyes. She needed sleep, and I told myself she was fighting sleep on purpose. I thought, "I'm not putting up with this anymore," and "She can't get away with this," and got locked into forcing her to hold still and stop talking. I only succeeded in riling her up. Seeing C's distress and my rising temper, my husband insisted that I leave the room.
While I was gone, the Holy Spirit impressed on my heart how wrong I was and had been to be so controlling and angry. I did not like how I was treating my child and it needed to stop.
Stopping this unkind behavior and selfish thoughts has not been easy and I still have failures. C is still having a particularly rough time transitioning to sleep. Daily I must face the struggle to choose to be the worm instead of the snake. To choose to trust God to fulfill my desires to be elsewhere in His timing. To choose to submit to the task at hand and be fully present in the moment. To choose to stop the self-talk that agitates and embitters me against my daughter, and instead choose new thoughts and attitudes that enjoy the moment for what it is: precious time with a girl that is growing so fast.
The rewards of faithfulness have been great:
On one succesful night, we went through our bedtime routine and got to the point where we were in C's room and all that was left was for her to go to sleep. I sat in the chair by her bed where we nurse. She climbed off her bed and into my lap, and started talking and asking questions. Rather than insisting she stay on her bed, or shushing her and saying it was time for sleep, I engaged in a low key conversation with lots of snuggles and kisses. She got down out of my lap and turned the nightlight off and then on again, and came right back. She climbed up, nuzzled her head to my chest and fell fast asleep. I held her for a moment, then gently put her down on her bed and left the room.
Another night, I sat on her bed with her while my husband sat on the chair. After a few minutes of snuggling and quiet talking, she moved to her dad. In the past I would have insisted she stay on the bed and gotten into a physical struggle to keep her there. Instead I watched to see what she would do. She gave her daddy a hug and kiss, then snuggled down into his arms and fell asleep. It was a precious moment to witness, and one I would have missed had I tried to over-control the situation instead of trusting my God and the instincts and abilities He gave my daughter.
And yet, the struggle still continues, and I could use your prayers, dear reader.
Last night, it took 90 minutes for her to finally drift off to sleep. She was tired, even laying still, but just the sight of her open eyes began to anger me, and I had to turn my face away and ask God to help me die to my self once more. Today I felt I had to leave the room to control my anger again, but I came back more quickly than before. I am so grateful that Grace is for mamas too.
God is using her struggles with sleep to draw out and show me the ugly places where my heart still needs work to be conformed to the likeness of Christ. It is a daily opportunity to make the choice to take up my cross and follow Him who laid down his life for me.
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
Anyone who has parented a baby or toddler to sleep knows there are naps and nights when it can rightly be categorized as a trial!
Yet, it is a trial I have chosen and continue to choose to submit to and endure because of the belief that it is the right way to honor God’s command to love my neighbor as myself and treat the least of these as if they were Jesus.
From the first day I met my precious daughter, God gave me a mama heart that told me to respond to her cries and soothe her to sleep rather than leave her to cry alone and give up when she realizes no one is coming to help her.
She may not have explicit memory of these years, but my loving and (mostly) consistent response will build for her a foundation of trust all the same.
God saw fit to bless me with a daughter that has trouble falling asleep and staying asleep. She fits the definition of a “spirited” or “high-needs” baby.
Dr. Sears offers 31 tips for nighttime parenting. He also explains why high-need children sleep differently than others. In the article, he suggests waiting for the "limp limb sign" before putting baby down and sneaking away.
Don't hurry. Trying to hurry your baby off to sleep is doomed to fail because babies go to sleep differently than adults. In the early months, in order to reach a state of deep sleep, babies need to go through a 20 to 30 minute stage of lighter sleep. If you try to put babies down and sneak away during this light sleep stage, many will wake up. You need to continue your ritual until you are certain baby is in a deep sleep. Here's how to tell: Watch baby's face and limbs. If baby's mouth is still grimacing or showing "sleep grins," his eyelids are fluttering, and his arms are flexed with hands in fists, baby is still in the state of light sleep. Once baby's face is expressionless, eyes and mouth are still, limbs dangle and hands are wide open (we call this the limp-limb sign), chances are baby has entered deep sleep, and you can put baby down on his back and quietly creep away. This is just one of the many facets of baby-care that teaches parents patience.
Did you catch that last sentence? "This is just one of the many facets of baby-care that teaches parents patience." Boy does it ever!
Over the past 2.5 years of parenting my little C to sleep, I've been humbled over and over again as I realize just how impatient and selfish I am. C is so sensitive, that if I am at all eager to "escape" and relax with my husband or go accomplish one of the many things on my to-do list (even if it's just to catch up on Gentle Christian Mothers!), she can feel the tension in my body and will go on alert too. It is not until I am fully present with her, relaxed in the moment, submitting myself to the discipline of stillness, patience and self-sacrifice that she too will relax and allow herself to fall asleep.
There are a few times in particular when I find it difficult to be patient and fully relax.
One is when I'm facing a deadline for my work-at-home job recording textbooks for visually disabled students. To avoid undue background noise, I can only do my recording while C is asleep or not in the house. The times when it goes well and I can fully relax are the times when I pray something like this, "God, you know how much work I have to get done, but I am a parent first. I trust that you will make time for me to meet my other commitments if I am faithful in helping this precious girl you've given me get the sleep she needs." And you know what? He always comes through for me.
The times when I fail the most are the times when I am feeling irritable, tired and entitled to some space and time to myself. Those are the times when God opens my eyes to how much I am like the snake that Roy Hession describes in his book, The Calvary Road.
Those who have been in tropical lands tell us that there is a big difference between a snake and a worm, when you attempt to strike at them. The snake rears itself up and hisses and tries to strike back – a true picture of self. But a worm offers no resistance, it allows you to do what you like with it, kick it or squash it under your heel – a picture of true brokenness.
Lately, nap times in particular have been more and more of a struggle. C is perhaps approaching the time when she will give up naps. She at least would like to skip it and stay awake as not to miss a minute of all the fun and interesting things the world holds for a toddler. But I know based on her behavior when she does not have one how much she really does need to sleep or at least to rest for a few hours each day.
In the past few months, I have become more and more controlling in my efforts to help her sleep. I wanted to rush her through the process by forbidding any wiggles, or anything that I perceived as her fighting sleep and thereby daring to keep me away from what I wanted to be doing instead. My work-at-home job is done for the season, so these were purely selfish pursuits I was being denied.
So I started doing some things I'm not proud of. I've told her if she couldn't stop herself from moving her body so sleep could come find her, I'd help her, and I held her in a gentle but firm bear hug while she screamed and struggled to get away. While this can be a gentle technique, I was using it punitively and her reaction told me it was scary for her and yet I persisted. When I let her go, she was compliant and ready to sleep, but it was far from the peaceful transition to sleep that I want for her to have. Another time I got so angry with her that I had to leave the room to stop myself from physically hurting her. While I calmed myself down, she screamed hysterically behind the door. When I calmed down enough to return, again she was exhausted and ready to sleep. Regrettably, I started falling back on these techniques to get her to sleep. Not exactly consciously, but it seemed to happen more and more often that she'd either be screaming because I was holding her down or screaming because I had left the room to control my anger.
One of those times happened while my husband was home last weekend. C prefers to have both parents there while she transitions to sleep if we are both available, so he was in her room with us. She flopped around the bed, asked for water, asked to go potty, kicked the rail of her bed, asked for covers, kicked off covers, asked to be held, climbed out of my lap, asked me to lay down with her, refused to lay down herself ad nauseum. All while yawning and rubbing her eyes. She needed sleep, and I told myself she was fighting sleep on purpose. I thought, "I'm not putting up with this anymore," and "She can't get away with this," and got locked into forcing her to hold still and stop talking. I only succeeded in riling her up. Seeing C's distress and my rising temper, my husband insisted that I leave the room.
While I was gone, the Holy Spirit impressed on my heart how wrong I was and had been to be so controlling and angry. I did not like how I was treating my child and it needed to stop.
Stopping this unkind behavior and selfish thoughts has not been easy and I still have failures. C is still having a particularly rough time transitioning to sleep. Daily I must face the struggle to choose to be the worm instead of the snake. To choose to trust God to fulfill my desires to be elsewhere in His timing. To choose to submit to the task at hand and be fully present in the moment. To choose to stop the self-talk that agitates and embitters me against my daughter, and instead choose new thoughts and attitudes that enjoy the moment for what it is: precious time with a girl that is growing so fast.
The rewards of faithfulness have been great:
On one succesful night, we went through our bedtime routine and got to the point where we were in C's room and all that was left was for her to go to sleep. I sat in the chair by her bed where we nurse. She climbed off her bed and into my lap, and started talking and asking questions. Rather than insisting she stay on her bed, or shushing her and saying it was time for sleep, I engaged in a low key conversation with lots of snuggles and kisses. She got down out of my lap and turned the nightlight off and then on again, and came right back. She climbed up, nuzzled her head to my chest and fell fast asleep. I held her for a moment, then gently put her down on her bed and left the room.
Another night, I sat on her bed with her while my husband sat on the chair. After a few minutes of snuggling and quiet talking, she moved to her dad. In the past I would have insisted she stay on the bed and gotten into a physical struggle to keep her there. Instead I watched to see what she would do. She gave her daddy a hug and kiss, then snuggled down into his arms and fell asleep. It was a precious moment to witness, and one I would have missed had I tried to over-control the situation instead of trusting my God and the instincts and abilities He gave my daughter.
And yet, the struggle still continues, and I could use your prayers, dear reader.
Last night, it took 90 minutes for her to finally drift off to sleep. She was tired, even laying still, but just the sight of her open eyes began to anger me, and I had to turn my face away and ask God to help me die to my self once more. Today I felt I had to leave the room to control my anger again, but I came back more quickly than before. I am so grateful that Grace is for mamas too.
God is using her struggles with sleep to draw out and show me the ugly places where my heart still needs work to be conformed to the likeness of Christ. It is a daily opportunity to make the choice to take up my cross and follow Him who laid down his life for me.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Does God Sometimes Say No to Good Things? Yes!
Does God Sometimes Say No to Good Things? Yes!
This was Pastor John's sermon title at Calvary Chapel Tulare a few Sundays ago, and the same passage of scripture was the subject of this week's womens' Bible study at Tulare Community Church. Do you think God is trying to tell us something?
The scripture in question is 2 Samuel 7, when David decides that it would be a good idea to build a temple for God. After all, it doesn't seem right for David to have a spectacular cedar palace while the Ark of the Covenant representing God's presence in the midst of the people resides in a mere tent. David had a vision and perhaps his heart ran ahead of his head in wanting to make it come true.
Sounds like a good plan. Except that God had given specific instructions to keep the Ark in a tabernacle (which actually offers some beautiful symbolism, see below), and never requested anything different.
David at least runs the plan by Nathan, God's prophet and David's advisor. Nathan hears the plan and immediately says, "Sounds good to me, God has been with you so far so I don't see why he won't bless this too."
Note that Nathan doesn't actually check with God, just guesses what God's answer would be based on past experience of God blessing David.
God sets them straight right away, speaking to Nathan that very night. "Go tell David I never asked for a temple. One will be built, but it won't be built by you, that is not your purpose."
So even though David had a vision to do something great for God, and the vision was clear and maybe even right, God said it wasn't his to complete. Although he did get to participate in the preparation and gathering of supplies.
Tabernacling With Us
If all the pagan nations surrounding Israel built magnificent temples and shrines to reflect the majesty and power of gods they worshiped, why did God instruct Israel to house the Ark in a humble tent made of animal skins?
First, there could never be an earthly structure magnificent enough to adequately reflect the glory of He who says that "Heaven is my throne and earth is my footstool."
Second, I think God wanted to tell us something about who He is and His heart for us. He doesn't want to be off, immovable, removed and isolated in a distant inaccesible temple. The tabernacle was mobile, and was always set up in the midst of Israel as they traveled from place to place, reflecting God's desire to be with us, to dwell in our midst, and foreshadowing the incarnation of Christ and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit in believers.
Today, each believer is His "tabernacle", housing the presence of God in our mobile, mortal skin. And even today, those with a heart for God sometimes jump the gun and let our hearts run ahead of our heads. Wisdom calls for us to submit our plans to God and wait on the Lord for confirmation before rushing ahead.
A Different, Greater Blessing
God doesn't just say no to David and stop there. He tells David of the blessings in store. "No, you won't build a me a house, but I will build you a house. I will give you rest from your enemies, your son will build the temple, and your kingdom will last forever." David saw the first part of the prophecy come true in his lifetime, the second in Solomon's lifetime, and the third is fulfilled in Christ.
David responds with awe and grateful acceptance to God's no. Not a hint of bitterness or demanding his own way. Perhaps it was easier for him because God showed him he blessings he would receive instead. But we too have promises from God that "he will work all things together for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose."
Just like David had to take God's promises of different blessings on faith, and trust fully in God's sovereignty, so do we. When God says no to one of our good ideas, He doesn't always spell out for us what we will be doing instead or where it will lead, but we know he has only the best in store for us.
Examples from My Life
A few years after DH and I got married, before C came along, we had a vision to commit ourselves to a year of volunteer ministry. We researched all the options, but doors closed and it became clear that even though it was a noble idea, it wasn't God's plan for us at that point in our lives.
Of late, the call is to add to our family. Whether through a live birth or adoption or foster care, I don't know yet. This is a good desire. Children are blessing, and ministry to orphans is described by James as pure and faultless religion.
But just because it is good doesn't give me a right to it or mean it is God's plan for me. The clear answer right now is to wait. After our loss in October, we are still trying to conceive again. I started researching adoption/foster care and found that to start the process we need a stable source of income. Right now DH only has a temporary job and has otherwise been out of work for almost a year, and the insurance agency he is working to start is growing but too slowly to count as a source of income.
We are waiting on God for the answer.
I know and trust that whatever it is, whether both doors eventually open, only one does, or they both stay firmly shut, he has a purpose for us, and the blessings to be found on the path he puts us on will be far beyond whatever I could imagine.
In the meantime, like David stockpiling supplies for the temple, I will do what I can to advocate for children and support ministry to orphans.
This was Pastor John's sermon title at Calvary Chapel Tulare a few Sundays ago, and the same passage of scripture was the subject of this week's womens' Bible study at Tulare Community Church. Do you think God is trying to tell us something?
The scripture in question is 2 Samuel 7, when David decides that it would be a good idea to build a temple for God. After all, it doesn't seem right for David to have a spectacular cedar palace while the Ark of the Covenant representing God's presence in the midst of the people resides in a mere tent. David had a vision and perhaps his heart ran ahead of his head in wanting to make it come true.
Sounds like a good plan. Except that God had given specific instructions to keep the Ark in a tabernacle (which actually offers some beautiful symbolism, see below), and never requested anything different.
David at least runs the plan by Nathan, God's prophet and David's advisor. Nathan hears the plan and immediately says, "Sounds good to me, God has been with you so far so I don't see why he won't bless this too."
Note that Nathan doesn't actually check with God, just guesses what God's answer would be based on past experience of God blessing David.
God sets them straight right away, speaking to Nathan that very night. "Go tell David I never asked for a temple. One will be built, but it won't be built by you, that is not your purpose."
So even though David had a vision to do something great for God, and the vision was clear and maybe even right, God said it wasn't his to complete. Although he did get to participate in the preparation and gathering of supplies.
Tabernacling With Us
If all the pagan nations surrounding Israel built magnificent temples and shrines to reflect the majesty and power of gods they worshiped, why did God instruct Israel to house the Ark in a humble tent made of animal skins?
First, there could never be an earthly structure magnificent enough to adequately reflect the glory of He who says that "Heaven is my throne and earth is my footstool."
Second, I think God wanted to tell us something about who He is and His heart for us. He doesn't want to be off, immovable, removed and isolated in a distant inaccesible temple. The tabernacle was mobile, and was always set up in the midst of Israel as they traveled from place to place, reflecting God's desire to be with us, to dwell in our midst, and foreshadowing the incarnation of Christ and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit in believers.
Today, each believer is His "tabernacle", housing the presence of God in our mobile, mortal skin. And even today, those with a heart for God sometimes jump the gun and let our hearts run ahead of our heads. Wisdom calls for us to submit our plans to God and wait on the Lord for confirmation before rushing ahead.
A Different, Greater Blessing
God doesn't just say no to David and stop there. He tells David of the blessings in store. "No, you won't build a me a house, but I will build you a house. I will give you rest from your enemies, your son will build the temple, and your kingdom will last forever." David saw the first part of the prophecy come true in his lifetime, the second in Solomon's lifetime, and the third is fulfilled in Christ.
David responds with awe and grateful acceptance to God's no. Not a hint of bitterness or demanding his own way. Perhaps it was easier for him because God showed him he blessings he would receive instead. But we too have promises from God that "he will work all things together for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose."
Just like David had to take God's promises of different blessings on faith, and trust fully in God's sovereignty, so do we. When God says no to one of our good ideas, He doesn't always spell out for us what we will be doing instead or where it will lead, but we know he has only the best in store for us.
Examples from My Life
A few years after DH and I got married, before C came along, we had a vision to commit ourselves to a year of volunteer ministry. We researched all the options, but doors closed and it became clear that even though it was a noble idea, it wasn't God's plan for us at that point in our lives.
Of late, the call is to add to our family. Whether through a live birth or adoption or foster care, I don't know yet. This is a good desire. Children are blessing, and ministry to orphans is described by James as pure and faultless religion.
But just because it is good doesn't give me a right to it or mean it is God's plan for me. The clear answer right now is to wait. After our loss in October, we are still trying to conceive again. I started researching adoption/foster care and found that to start the process we need a stable source of income. Right now DH only has a temporary job and has otherwise been out of work for almost a year, and the insurance agency he is working to start is growing but too slowly to count as a source of income.
We are waiting on God for the answer.
I know and trust that whatever it is, whether both doors eventually open, only one does, or they both stay firmly shut, he has a purpose for us, and the blessings to be found on the path he puts us on will be far beyond whatever I could imagine.
In the meantime, like David stockpiling supplies for the temple, I will do what I can to advocate for children and support ministry to orphans.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Grace is for Mamas
I had a really bad day on Monday. It was the first day of my period (first one since my recent miscarriage), so I was already very on edge.
C and I had a good morning, baking pumpkin bread and starting laundry, and a good lunchtime and early afternoon, playing outside with leaves.
Then we came inside. C needed to nap. I nursed her at the keyboard and she never quite fell asleep enough for me to put her down. She wiggled and wanted to pat me. I was feeling very touched out. I needed a physical and mental break from her, and I didn't get it.
The late afternoon was pretty rough on both of us. I feeling tired by then, but couldn't sit down without C wanting to climb on me or nurse. The clutter in my house was another irritant, and since I had to be up anyway, I felt compelled to start cleaning.
But C didn't want me to clean. C wanted to play. She wanted a snack. Fine. But, being a two year old who didn't get her nap, she started losing it over every. little. thing. And when she wasn't screeching, she was getting into something, hindering and undoing my cleaning progress. I quickly lost patience with her.
I have lots of gentle, positive discipline tools in my toolbox. I could have involved her in my cleaning efforts and made it a game. I could have redirected her away from the offlimits things to something truly appealing. I could have suggested we sit and read a book together to fill her cup with the attention she was clearly asking for. I could have turned to playful parenting and make us both laugh and smile and reset the rapidly souring mood. I could have declared that we both needed a break and vegged out with her in front of a movie. I could have taken us back outside, or on a ride to visit a store or a relative.
I forgot and/or chose not to use any of those tools. Instead, I got more and more locked in to what I was doing. I was seeing red and yelling a lot. I did some redirection, but with an angry voice and forceful hands. I also had punitive vindictive thoughts, such as "Why should I turn this into a fun moment when she is giving me such a hard time?!?"
Anger kept building.
I started dinner. Thoughtlessly, I chose one of the more involved recipes on my week's meal plan, one that involved peeling potates and dicing onions.
C persisted in trying to get my attention. When she wouldn't stop turning off the dishwasher I'd just started and then switched to pulling things out of the drawers, I got fed up. I told her since she couldn't control herself, I would help her by putting her some place where she couldn't get to the dishwasher. I hauled her to her room and shut the door on her, leaving her screaming to be let out. I finished peeling the potatoes before returning to open the door.
When I let her out I gave her a little speech about why she had been in there and then gave her a perfunctory hug.
That sort of reset things for a while but all too soon we were right back where we started.
Not too much later I was putting away the laundry in my bedroom. When I had my back turned, she started pulling the clothes I had just put away out of the drawers. I was so angry I felt like I was going to lose control and physically hurt her. I carried her quickly to her bedroom, yelling all the while. I slammed the door behind her again (with her screaming again, of course). I needed to get away from her to keep her safe and calm myself down.
Her continued wailing behind the door broke my heart and infuriated me all at the same time. I flung the door open and grabbed her into a tight hug, fearing that if I let her go I would really hurt her. She clung to me. In my arms she felt so small, so scared. In so many ways still just a baby. My intense anger melted away, but the irritation remained.
I called DH and asked him to hurry home because things weren't going well. Somehow C and I managed to survive until Daddy came to the rescue with a fresh batch of patience and energy.
So, does this bad day mean that positive discipline/grace-based discipline (GBD for short) is an idealistic theory that doesn't work in real life?
Not at all.
I can think of so many extenuating factors that contributed to this situation. C is teething 2 year molars and they hurt her quite a bit. On top of that, with Halloween and family birthdays, I've been letting C have dairy recently, "as a treat." She's intolerant to it and it makes her feel bad: itchy skin, upset tummy, poor sleep which all gives her a resultant shorter fuse. Finally, there had been too much time between lunch and dinner and C didn't have much of a snack, so she (and probably I as well) had low blood sugar on top of everything. C is an extrovert, and a cold had kept us home alone for the past week or so. She was asking for my attention and to connect with me, and I didn't give it, partly out of spite. Did I mention I'm hormonal/PMSing/grieving?
So much of GBD is about being proactive, setting up our children (and ourselves) for success.
This is a day when I was reactive. I became the scary, shaming parent I am trying so hard not to be. I really blew it.
I'm so grateful grace is for mamas too.
I told this whole sad story to DH when he got home, wondering aloud if I am cut out for this, and he said, "You're a wonderful mother, everyone has bad days." He shows me grace.
As I told the story to him, I realized I owed C an apology. I got down on her level and said I was sorry for losing control and scaring her. She gave me a hug. She shows me grace.
Out of the ashes of that bad day, there are a few positive things: I was able to model humility and how to apologize to C. I've renewed my efforts to keep C and me on a dairy-free diet. I'm also working on building more structure into our days for both our sakes.
Not the first time and not the last time we will need to live out the verse our family chose as a parenting theme verse at C's baby dedication:
C and I had a good morning, baking pumpkin bread and starting laundry, and a good lunchtime and early afternoon, playing outside with leaves.
Then we came inside. C needed to nap. I nursed her at the keyboard and she never quite fell asleep enough for me to put her down. She wiggled and wanted to pat me. I was feeling very touched out. I needed a physical and mental break from her, and I didn't get it.
The late afternoon was pretty rough on both of us. I feeling tired by then, but couldn't sit down without C wanting to climb on me or nurse. The clutter in my house was another irritant, and since I had to be up anyway, I felt compelled to start cleaning.
But C didn't want me to clean. C wanted to play. She wanted a snack. Fine. But, being a two year old who didn't get her nap, she started losing it over every. little. thing. And when she wasn't screeching, she was getting into something, hindering and undoing my cleaning progress. I quickly lost patience with her.
I have lots of gentle, positive discipline tools in my toolbox. I could have involved her in my cleaning efforts and made it a game. I could have redirected her away from the offlimits things to something truly appealing. I could have suggested we sit and read a book together to fill her cup with the attention she was clearly asking for. I could have turned to playful parenting and make us both laugh and smile and reset the rapidly souring mood. I could have declared that we both needed a break and vegged out with her in front of a movie. I could have taken us back outside, or on a ride to visit a store or a relative.
I forgot and/or chose not to use any of those tools. Instead, I got more and more locked in to what I was doing. I was seeing red and yelling a lot. I did some redirection, but with an angry voice and forceful hands. I also had punitive vindictive thoughts, such as "Why should I turn this into a fun moment when she is giving me such a hard time?!?"
Anger kept building.
I started dinner. Thoughtlessly, I chose one of the more involved recipes on my week's meal plan, one that involved peeling potates and dicing onions.
C persisted in trying to get my attention. When she wouldn't stop turning off the dishwasher I'd just started and then switched to pulling things out of the drawers, I got fed up. I told her since she couldn't control herself, I would help her by putting her some place where she couldn't get to the dishwasher. I hauled her to her room and shut the door on her, leaving her screaming to be let out. I finished peeling the potatoes before returning to open the door.
When I let her out I gave her a little speech about why she had been in there and then gave her a perfunctory hug.
That sort of reset things for a while but all too soon we were right back where we started.
Not too much later I was putting away the laundry in my bedroom. When I had my back turned, she started pulling the clothes I had just put away out of the drawers. I was so angry I felt like I was going to lose control and physically hurt her. I carried her quickly to her bedroom, yelling all the while. I slammed the door behind her again (with her screaming again, of course). I needed to get away from her to keep her safe and calm myself down.
Her continued wailing behind the door broke my heart and infuriated me all at the same time. I flung the door open and grabbed her into a tight hug, fearing that if I let her go I would really hurt her. She clung to me. In my arms she felt so small, so scared. In so many ways still just a baby. My intense anger melted away, but the irritation remained.
I called DH and asked him to hurry home because things weren't going well. Somehow C and I managed to survive until Daddy came to the rescue with a fresh batch of patience and energy.
So, does this bad day mean that positive discipline/grace-based discipline (GBD for short) is an idealistic theory that doesn't work in real life?
Not at all.
I can think of so many extenuating factors that contributed to this situation. C is teething 2 year molars and they hurt her quite a bit. On top of that, with Halloween and family birthdays, I've been letting C have dairy recently, "as a treat." She's intolerant to it and it makes her feel bad: itchy skin, upset tummy, poor sleep which all gives her a resultant shorter fuse. Finally, there had been too much time between lunch and dinner and C didn't have much of a snack, so she (and probably I as well) had low blood sugar on top of everything. C is an extrovert, and a cold had kept us home alone for the past week or so. She was asking for my attention and to connect with me, and I didn't give it, partly out of spite. Did I mention I'm hormonal/PMSing/grieving?
So much of GBD is about being proactive, setting up our children (and ourselves) for success.
This is a day when I was reactive. I became the scary, shaming parent I am trying so hard not to be. I really blew it.
I'm so grateful grace is for mamas too.
I told this whole sad story to DH when he got home, wondering aloud if I am cut out for this, and he said, "You're a wonderful mother, everyone has bad days." He shows me grace.
As I told the story to him, I realized I owed C an apology. I got down on her level and said I was sorry for losing control and scaring her. She gave me a hug. She shows me grace.
Out of the ashes of that bad day, there are a few positive things: I was able to model humility and how to apologize to C. I've renewed my efforts to keep C and me on a dairy-free diet. I'm also working on building more structure into our days for both our sakes.
Not the first time and not the last time we will need to live out the verse our family chose as a parenting theme verse at C's baby dedication:
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Assigning positive intent
The 13th chapter of First Corinthians famously defines some attributes of love.
The New Living Translation reads:
A love that is not irritable, that keeps no record of wrongs, is a love that assigns positive intent to others' actions.
For example, imagine you are driving down the freeway, and someone cuts you off. Two possible reactions would be:
Jesus told us through the parable of the sheep and the goats that how we treat even the least of these is important to him. Therefore, I would argue that babies and children should be assigned positive intent as much as anyone else.
When a baby cries, positive intent says that the baby is trying to communicate a need, whether that be to be held, fed, changed, or just paid attention. But there are some that would claim that baby is trying to manipulate its parents.
When a toddler doesn't comply, positive intent says the toddler lacks impulse control and needs more help and closer supervision. But there are some who label the toddler as defiant and prescribe a spanking or time out to teach them a lesson.
When a very young child doesn't tell the truth, positive intent says that "words as magic" is a stage of cognitive development and the child honestly believes that by saying something he makes it true. Asking "Is that the truth, or just the truth like you wish it was?" and not asking questions we already know the answer to is a simple way to teach the value of truth. But there are some who would call that child a liar who must be punished.
Assigning positive intent doesn't mean justifying antisocial or unwanted behavior or letting the child "get away with it." It simply means we don't rile up our own emotions with unnecessary labels and negative assumptions. We can then deal calmly, firmly and kindly with the child and situations that arise.
The New Living Translation reads:
1Cr 13:4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud
1Cr 13:5 or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged.
1Cr 13:6 It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.
1Cr 13:7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
A love that is not irritable, that keeps no record of wrongs, is a love that assigns positive intent to others' actions.
For example, imagine you are driving down the freeway, and someone cuts you off. Two possible reactions would be:
- "How dare he! Some people are so selfish and rude. It's a dog eat dog world and I have to stand up for myself." Maybe you chase the offender down in a case of road rage. Or you don't but spend the rest of the drive feeling irritated. Maybe your driving becomes a little more aggressive without you noticing.
- "He must be in a hurry. Maybe he didn't see me. I hope he gets where he's going safely." And you easily forget the incident and return to driving.
Jesus told us through the parable of the sheep and the goats that how we treat even the least of these is important to him. Therefore, I would argue that babies and children should be assigned positive intent as much as anyone else.
When a baby cries, positive intent says that the baby is trying to communicate a need, whether that be to be held, fed, changed, or just paid attention. But there are some that would claim that baby is trying to manipulate its parents.
When a toddler doesn't comply, positive intent says the toddler lacks impulse control and needs more help and closer supervision. But there are some who label the toddler as defiant and prescribe a spanking or time out to teach them a lesson.
When a very young child doesn't tell the truth, positive intent says that "words as magic" is a stage of cognitive development and the child honestly believes that by saying something he makes it true. Asking "Is that the truth, or just the truth like you wish it was?" and not asking questions we already know the answer to is a simple way to teach the value of truth. But there are some who would call that child a liar who must be punished.
Assigning positive intent doesn't mean justifying antisocial or unwanted behavior or letting the child "get away with it." It simply means we don't rile up our own emotions with unnecessary labels and negative assumptions. We can then deal calmly, firmly and kindly with the child and situations that arise.
Monday, August 23, 2010
More Thoughts on Torah and Food
Just before we packed up from Southern California and moved to Central California, I read something that made me reconsider what I wrote previously. Namely this: that although God's word is valid at all times, there have always been parts that apply differently to different people. For example, there were restrictions that applied to Levites that didn't apply to the average Israelite, and there were restrictions that applied to men that didn't apply to women. Just as at the cross there is neither male nor female and yet there are definitely still differences and different roles for the genders in this world, so too it could be argued that although there is in one sense no distinction between Jew nor Gentile at the cross, in another sense there are still different callings/different roles.
I can still take a high view of the Old Testament without attempting to live out parts that were not meant for me.
So, seafood is still expensive and I'm not rushing out to try rabbit or snake or snail, but I am using up the ham we have for lunch meat and not stressing about it at all. One could say I fasted from it for a time but no longer feel led to do so.
I can still take a high view of the Old Testament without attempting to live out parts that were not meant for me.
So, seafood is still expensive and I'm not rushing out to try rabbit or snake or snail, but I am using up the ham we have for lunch meat and not stressing about it at all. One could say I fasted from it for a time but no longer feel led to do so.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Discipline of Rest
There was a time in my life when God's law seemed burdensome, condemning and impossible. Lately though I've been seeing it as good, as God's instructions for our best life.
Along the way, I've been learning about Biblical holidays and feasts. How beautiful it is that they point to Christ! (This website is a good overview). I'm interested in doing something this year to mark them -- to join in divine history and celebrate God's creative and saving action in the past, present and future.
The next major feast is the Feast of Trumpets (September 8 this year).
But I don't have to wait until then to start celebrating one of God's days.
Every week, there is an opportunity to keep the fourth commandment to remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy.
But what would that look like?
I don't want to get caught up in a bunch of rabbinical laws or other forms of legalism.
I like this list of 10 simple principles over at The Sabbath Manifesto. I like the idea of a "Family Fun Day" where we relax and reconnect together and make a point to talk about and enjoy God and his creation.
Tonight I think I'll light some candles around 7:45. Maybe we'll go to a park or the beach as a family tomorrow. Keep the TV and computer off. Visit family. Enjoy a quiet day of rest.
Along the way, I've been learning about Biblical holidays and feasts. How beautiful it is that they point to Christ! (This website is a good overview). I'm interested in doing something this year to mark them -- to join in divine history and celebrate God's creative and saving action in the past, present and future.
The next major feast is the Feast of Trumpets (September 8 this year).
But I don't have to wait until then to start celebrating one of God's days.
Every week, there is an opportunity to keep the fourth commandment to remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy.
But what would that look like?
I don't want to get caught up in a bunch of rabbinical laws or other forms of legalism.
I like this list of 10 simple principles over at The Sabbath Manifesto. I like the idea of a "Family Fun Day" where we relax and reconnect together and make a point to talk about and enjoy God and his creation.
Tonight I think I'll light some candles around 7:45. Maybe we'll go to a park or the beach as a family tomorrow. Keep the TV and computer off. Visit family. Enjoy a quiet day of rest.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Baby Dedication
This morning we are dedicating Pookaloo at our church. We've chosen Ephesians 4:32 as our parenting theme verse:
Do you know what has the biggest influence on most people's view of God? Their relationship with their parents (and fathers especially). As parents, we want to teach to our daughter that God is a God of redemption and second chances, not only in our words, but in the way we treat her and each other.
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Do you know what has the biggest influence on most people's view of God? Their relationship with their parents (and fathers especially). As parents, we want to teach to our daughter that God is a God of redemption and second chances, not only in our words, but in the way we treat her and each other.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Two Foundational Verses for my Gentle Parenting Decision
"Do unto others as you would have them do to you." Luke 6:31
and
"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the
least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'" Matthew 25:40
The Gentle Christian Mothers Statement of Parenting Beliefs is excellent food for thought and reflection as well.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)