Heart Failure to Transplant: There is too much to 'splain, I will sum up...

This line from The Princess Bride seems appropriate.  I've taken a very long break from posting because so much has been going on in my life. 

Once this summary is out of the way, my plan is to start posting again the little musings I have about the intersection between my relationship with God as grace-giving Father and how I live as His daughter, especially in the context of parenting and homemaking. 

So, in no particular order:

In the early spring, my almost six-year-old daughter was diagnosed with ADHD, mild gross motor delays and mild sensory quirks that aren't severe enough to require professional occupational therapy.  We started her on Ritalin, 5mg once per day and it helped her tremendously with focus on her school work and helping her be a more flexible resilient participant in social situations.

On Good Friday, I gave birth to a healthy baby boy.  A week later I was readmitted to the hospital with double pneumonia and congestive heart failure.  I stayed in the hospital three days.  Recovery was slow and nearly four months later I'm only now getting to the point where my energy levels feel back to normal for me.  I was blessed to have two mother's helpers come a few times a week in May, and with amazing support from my church family and MOPS friends.  My underlying heart condition is a little more serious than I previously thought and not only am I recommended not to have more pregnancies, but I may need to have a pacemaker or defibrillator implanted eventually.

I finally started on anti-depressants.  I'm currently taking 50 mg of Zoloft which has made a world of difference.  I like my husband and children again instead of constantly feeling a low level of irritation and resentment toward them.  My brain's executive functions have returned and I have ideas and can carry them out.  I feel like writing again.  I feel comfortable at home instead of restless and wanting to escape through the internet or too many activities in the community.  I don't overanalyze every social encounter and can just relax and enjoy the company of people around me.  My spiritual life has reawakened too, no longer feeling flat and cold and distant.

In October, we moved to a new house in town and almost a year later as I heal and regain strength and energy and as my depression, anxiety and ADHD symptoms gradually lift, I've really started to enjoy and improve in my role as homemaker.  I've been able to reorganize things, start routines and set up systems that make our family life run more smoothly and keep the house at a level of tidiness and cleanliness that is comfortable for living and conducive to fun and creativity

I feel like each of these areas could spawn many detailed posts of their own, and perhaps that is a good challenge for me.  This fall, I will blog at least once per week (oftener if inspiration strikes), delving into a specific aspect or thought triggered by reading through this summary. 

When I was depressed early in my married life, one of the internal messages I had to overcome was that I had nothing to say.  I overcame that by beginning to post blogs on Myspace and eventually by starting this blog.  Then there were periods when my brain fog and exhaustion made impossible to turn the swirling grey into black and white words. 

Life has rhythms and cycles.  A pearl in an oyster is formed not all at once, but layer by layer.  One season of growth in my life is ending and another beginning.  The previous season was inward and quiet, but this one is bursting out to be shared.  Isaiah 43:18-19 seems very appropriate:

“Forget about what’s happened;
    don’t keep going over old history.
Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new.
    It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it?
There it is! I’m making a road through the desert,
    rivers in the badlands." (The Message)

God is doing something new in me, in my family, in my community and in the world.

"Trust Me"

In early August, I had a dream.  In the dream, a friend told me not to be scared, that I would have "a September baby."  When I had that dream I realized that even though I'd been hoping and praying each month to be pregnant again, part of me also drew a sigh of relief when it didn't happen.  No pregnancy meant no risk of miscarriage.  I began to work through that fear in the month that followed.

On September 4 a few days before I was expecting my period, I had a little spotting that seemed to taper off.  Implantation bleeding?  I wondered.  After three negative home pregnancy tests, my period started full force on September 7.   

I shared this story with my therapist.  She encouraged me that in order to get pregnant I would have to work on letting go of my anxiety around getting pregnant.  By hoping too much, anxiously worrying and fretting over every twinge and sign my body gave me, I actually created stress that made the environment of my body less hospitable to life.  

My hyper-focus on getting pregnant ironically made getting pregnant less likely.  

She advised me to shift my focus to simply enjoying spending time with my husband and let things happen more naturally.  I took what she said to heart.  

Toward the end of September, I noticed some changes in my body.  I was getting up to pee in the middle of the night.  My breasts were getting bigger and my nipples were a darker pink.  Based on the 9/7 date for the start of my last cycle, I wasn't expecting my period until October 2, but based on how I felt I decided to test on September 29.  (9/29 was the day my period would have been due based on the 9/4 start date, and looking back, I think I should have counted 9/4 as the first day of my last menstrual period all along).  

While I was performing the test, C walked in to the bathroom.

"Is God sending our baby back?" she asked.

I said that I didn't know yet.

C sat down on the bathroom floor and started mumbling to herself.  I didn't realize she was praying until she stood up and said "Amen." 

"God said yes!" she announced.

I looked down at the test.

I could barely see a second pink line.  Was I imagining it?  Was it wishful thinking?

A test later that day showed a darker second line and I dared to believe that yes, I am pregnant.

In the weeks since then, I've swung between confidence that I will certainly meet this baby in June and a sense of doom that another miscarriage is inevitable.

I held my breath as I passed the 5 week mark where I lost Audrey Hope last year.  When that day came and went, I went to a clinic to have the pregnancy confirmed and the doctor said she wanted to schedule a pap smear and an ultrasound "to confirm viability and dates."  She told me to come back in two weeks.

The days leading up to the appointment were the most stressful yet.  I imagined worst case scenarios.  Maybe the ultrasound would show an ectopic pregnancy.  Maybe the baby had stopped growing but my body didn't know it yet.  

I'd shared the news of my pregnancy with friends and family early on to get prayer support.  I'd asked everyone I could think of for prayer for this ultrasound and my own peace.

By the Thursday morning of the appointment, the prayers for peace had done their work.  My anxieties and fears had (mostly) melted away and I felt excited to see the little heartbeat.

When we were called back, a nurse took my blood pressure and weight and had me pee in a cup.  Then she led us to an office.  She said she had some questions before we saw the doctor.  One of her first questions was, "Do you have an appointment for a pap and dating ultrasound?" 

I was confused. Wasn't that what I was there for?  No; that day's appointment was an intake interview and blood tests.  Apparently there had been some miscommunication with the original doctor.  The pap is now scheduled for November 11, and there may or may not be an ultrasound at that point.

After the initial disappointment of not getting to see the baby as I had hoped dissipated, I began to wonder why God had answered the prayers this way.  

The clear answer was a simple: "Trust Me."

So as of today, October 31, I'm exhausted all the time.  I pee all the time.  I'm frequently hungry but get full after just a few bites.  I'm experiencing food aversions and nausea and heartburn more intense than I remember from my pregnancy with C.  

I'm eight weeks and one day pregnant and grateful for every day.

God's Discipline

I've heard it said that children form their first impressions of what God is like from their parents. Like most things we teach our kids, it's more about how we live and treat them than about what we say.

For example, I can say with my mouth that God is love and has grace for sinners, but if I also use that mouth to yell at and shame C for every perceived infraction and inconvenience I might feel she causes me, it might hinder her experiential understanding of that love and grace that I gave lip service to.

I want to do my best to faithfully represent God's character to my daughter and any other children I may have in the fuure with both my words and my actions.

So the question then is, what aspects of God's character can I imitate as a parent? What kind of parent is He? How does God respond to disobedience from His children?

Is God full of wrath and vengeance, looking for the slightest excuse to zap us with punishment?

Hundreds of years of history recorded in the Old Testament show us just the opposite. God is slow to anger, abounding in love. God warns and pleads and woos and relents at the least sign of repentance.

Christ's sacrifice on the cross is the ultimate unfolding of divine lovingkindness, mercy and grace.

God has every right to condemn and judge us or even to just leave us wallowing in the pain and agony we inflict upon ourselves, but instead, Christ came to take that judgment and set us free of the consequences of our sin.

God corrects, reproves and issues invitations to "Come let us reason together."

I've experienced this personally. During my my junior and senior year of college, I turned my back on the legalistic harsh taskmaster version of God I'd been exhausing myself striving to follow. God slowly wooed me to a deep understanding of his grace and lovingkindness.

That summer I lived in Youngstown, OH working as an intern at the copy desk of the local paper. God placed a longing in my heart for spiritual things that led me to stop the radio on a Christian station with grace-filled messages, a longing that led me to try to find a church to attend one Sunday. There a wonderful family welcomed me warmly and adopted me as an honorary family member for the summer. At the same time, a dear friend from college kept up a correspondence by mail with me. Her letters shone with gentle gratitude for God's goodness and grace that was contagious.

Yet I didn't immediately repent. I was entangled in a sexual relationship, and I wasn't ready to give it up. In fact, I went further off track, moving in with my partner the summer after college and reading up on zen Buddhism and other new age philosophies.

Fast forward a few months, when the relationship inevitably fell apart. God reached out to me through His people again. Instead of the expected judgment and I told you sos from my parents, they reminded me of the parable of the Prodigal Son, reminded me of the depth of God's grace and encouraged me that to come back to the faith.

By this point, I was once again living far from home, alone in a strange city. This time, I was in Miami, FL for graduate school. Again I felt the almost irresistable urge to find a church, and again I was adopted into the community. Though I still had some bad habits of partying, drunkenness and casual sex, God was patient with me. He led me to a small group Bible study and in the context of those deeper relationships, He started to heal my hurts and teach me more about His love. The more I understood his love, the more my bad habits became distasteful to me and fell away as naturally as a scab falling off when a wound is healed.

During that time, I did feel conviction from the Holy Spirit that was at times uncomfortable (though agonizing guilt and shame and lies of the enemy that I was damned for all eternity with no hope of redemption even if I repented were more often felt). Changing my lifestyle and breaking old habits and healing the wounds, some of which I had inflicted on myself, was painful at times.

In all this, God did not punish me. He even spared me some of the natural consequences of my actions. It was his kindness that ultimately led me to repentance.

That experience and others that followed so profoundly altered and deepened my understanding of grace that it touches every part of my life. It is a grace I must share and extend to others. I want everyone, but in particular my child, to understand and experience the depth and heighth and breadth of God's unfathomable grace.

A Stand for Truth

2 Timothy 2:24-25
A servant of the Lord must not quarrel but must be kind to everyone, be able to teach, and be patient with difficult people. Gently instruct those who oppose the truth. Perhaps God will change those people’s hearts, and they will learn the truth.

In this passage, Paul is exhorting Timothy in how to properly react to false teachers.  In this morning's sermon, Pastor John used it to illustrate a point about standing for truth in a world that prefers spin, hype and illusion.

God used it to speak to me about a particular truth, one about Biblical parenting.

If false teachers are to be treated kindly and patiently and instructed gently, how much more should I be kind, patient and gentle with my child?  If it's God's job to change the hearts of false teachers, then it stands to reason that it is God's job to change my child's heart.

Yet there are some who claim that spanking is ordained by God, that spanking is necessary to effect change in a child's heart.

Does that argument hold up in light of the hundreds of verses in the Bible that tell us how to treat others?  Jesus made it clear that we are to love (exhibit the fruit of the Spirit toward) not only our friends and family, but also our enemies and enemies of God. 

Let's be blunt.  Spanking is hitting a smaller and weaker person.  It is a violent act.

It is only through verbal gymnastics that one can argue that a violent response is a kind, patient or gentle response to child, no matter how disobedient, immature or inconvenient their behavior. 

Children are fully human and are not in a separate category or an exception to the verses that tell us how God wants us to treat our fellow man.  

But what of the six "rod" verses in Proverbs?  Don't they command corporal punishment?

First consider the source and style of writing.  Proverbs is a book of poetry and wisdom, where many if not most of the sayings are meant to create a picture rather than be taken literally.  Therefore they must be interpreted in light of the rest of Scripture, particularly plain verses of instruction such as those found in Paul's epistles.

In light of the many verses urging us to kindness, gentleness and patience, and the type of literature and context, isn't it reasonable to could it be that the "rod" in the verses is a metaphor for authority rather than a literal implement to be used as a weapon of violence?

For more thoughts on the biblical arguments against spanking, please visit Why Not Train a Child, particularly the series Spanking is NOT God's Will, and Dare to Disciple.

Support Adoption & Maybe Win an iPad

I have a heart for orphans and for adoption. Still waiting on the Lord to know if it's His will for us to adopt at some point or just support orphans and adoption in a more general way. In the meantime, I'll support the efforts of others to adopt.

IveyRock at Your Wild and Precious Life will be traveling to Eastern Europe on May 30th as part of the process to adopt siblings Max and Lena through Reece's Rainbow. To raise the remaining funds they need in the short time remaining, they're hosting an iPad giveaway. Check out the details at http://iveyrock.wordpress.com/2011/05/04/ipad-giveaway/

Never Forget His Faithfulness

Just over a year ago, I almost lost my daughter in a vehicle vs. pedestrian accident in a driveway.

I shared some of the immediate raw emotion from that here.


Today, all eight of the two-week-old chicks I've been raising were killed by my dog. I sobbed uncontrollably when I found them and as I worked with my husband to clean up the scene.

Was my reaction way out of proportion to the cause? After all, they were just chickens.

I'm wondering if something more is going on. Could it be that in a way I'm processing leftover emotion from last year's trauma through this?

Whatever the case, this small tragedy is an excellent reminder to look back and praise God once again for preventing an unthinkable tragedy by saving C's little life last year.

What grace that I got to enjoy another twelve months watching her grow, hearing her learn to talk and sing, hear her say "I love you" and ask for hugs and kisses. Three hundred and sixty five more days of nursing her at my breast, cuddling her to sleep and waking up beside her every morning.

Praise the Lord whose lovingkindness endures forever!!

I think I will publish the story of her accident and recovery in this space in the coming days so others may know of what He did for us.

Faithful in the Small Things

In the women's Bible study we are going through the life of David.  Recently the topic was David's sins of lust and adultery with Bathsheba and murder of Bathsheba's husband Uriah. 

THE STORY
The interesting thing about David's sin is that it all started when he wasn't where he should have been.  Instead of going out to battle with his men, he decided to stay home.  Such a little thing.  No harm in taking a break every once in a while, but then again, there is a time for everything. 

Then he took an afternoon nap on his roof and when he woke up, caught the glimpse of Bathsheba he wasn't meant to have.  He then made a choice to prolong the look or continue to keep it in his minds' eye.  Such little things.  One look, one thought, one fantasy ... no big deal, right?

Except he kept thinking about her, and decided he had to know who she was.

Even when he was told she was married to Uriah, one of his most loyal men, he disregarded that information and ordered her to be brought to him.  He slept with her, and when they found out she was pregnant, he tried to cover up by bringing Uriah home from the battle.  When Uriah's sense of duty kept at the palace and away from his wife, David got him drunk and tried again.  When that didn't work, David sent him on his way with orders to his commander to send Uriah and others on an unnecessarily dangerous mission, one that meant almost certain death for the whole squad.  

How different things might have been if David had only gone to battle!  Or, if he had chosen to avert his eyes and put the image of Bathsheba out of his mind the moment he accidentally saw her.  Temptation to sin is best avoided all together.  If it is unavoidable or one simply hasn't effectively avoided it in a given instance, the next best thing is to "flee" either literally or mentally.  

APPLICATION
Likewise for me.  How often does a simple decision to put something off, to procrastinate, to rest a little now, lead to unneded stress later, stress that causes me to become irritable and feel annoyed with or resentful of my husband and daughter?  

And once the irritation is upon me, it really is up to me to choose what to do with those thoughts and feelings.  I can either fan the spark of irritation until it becomes anger and rage and unkind words and actions, or I can stamp out the spark as soon as I see it and replace it with the loving kind and gentle thoughts words and actions.

My choice to be faithful to the small things I have to do blesses my family and myself.  This simple idea of being faithful in the small things has energized me this week and given me courage to tackle some tasks that sometimes seem overwhelming.

OTHER EXAMPLES
"Daily" "Quiet" Time with God
I don't want to be legalistic about this but a concentrated time of reflection has been missing from my life and I decided to add it back in.  It isn't exactly daily. Thursday and Friday last week and today I've done this over breakfast, but I missed Saturday and Sunday when I was out of town visiting family.  It isn't exactly quiet. C sits next to me and chatters while she eats her breakfast, and I am frequently interrupted.  But I've been using lack of consistency and inability to have true quiet as excuses long enough.  I will choose to be faithful to this small thing, one day at a time. 

I've been using a method I learned at Mariners Church -- journaling about yesterday, asking God to reveal insights, then reading a portion of Scripture and looking for one thing I can apply that day, then writing out a prayer using the ACTS acronym. 

Housework
Doing things as I see they need to be done versus putting them off until later is the big thing here.  Reminding myself when it feels like a chore that it is a way to bless my family. 

Diet
Keeping strictly to the dairy free diet that C and I require, and not giving in to temptation to cheat "just this once" as a treat.  Starting a gluten free diet that I'm hoping will help me with some IBS-like symptoms and general fatigue and brain fog (Today is day 1 ... planning to evaluate after 30 days).

Does God Sometimes Say No to Good Things? Yes!

Does God Sometimes Say No to Good Things? Yes!
This was Pastor John's sermon title at Calvary Chapel Tulare a few Sundays ago, and the same passage of scripture was the subject of this week's womens' Bible study at Tulare Community Church.  Do you think God is trying to tell us something?

The scripture in question is 2 Samuel 7, when David decides that it would be a good idea to build a temple for God.  After all, it doesn't seem right for David to have a spectacular cedar palace while the Ark of the Covenant representing God's presence in the midst of the people resides in a mere tent.  David had a vision and perhaps his heart ran ahead of his head in wanting to make it come true.

Sounds like a good plan.  Except that God had given specific instructions to keep the Ark in a tabernacle (which actually offers some beautiful symbolism, see below), and never requested anything different. 

David at least runs the plan by Nathan, God's prophet and David's advisor.  Nathan hears the plan and immediately says, "Sounds good to me, God has been with you so far so I don't see why he won't bless this too."

Note that Nathan doesn't actually check with God, just guesses what God's answer would be based on past experience of God blessing David.

God sets them straight right away, speaking to Nathan that very night.  "Go tell David I never asked for a temple.  One will be built, but it won't be built by you, that is not your purpose." 

So even though David had a vision to do something great for God, and the vision was clear and maybe even right, God said it wasn't his to complete.  Although he did get to participate in the preparation and gathering of supplies.

Tabernacling With Us
If all the pagan nations surrounding Israel built magnificent temples and shrines to reflect the majesty and power of gods they worshiped, why did God instruct Israel to house the Ark in a humble tent made of animal skins? 

First, there could never be an earthly structure magnificent enough to adequately reflect the glory of He who says that "Heaven is my throne and earth is my footstool." 

Second, I think God wanted to tell us something about who He is and His heart for us.  He doesn't want to be off, immovable, removed and isolated in a distant inaccesible temple.  The tabernacle was mobile, and was always set up in the midst of Israel as they traveled from place to place, reflecting God's desire to be with us, to dwell in our midst, and foreshadowing the incarnation of Christ and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit in believers. 

Today, each believer is His "tabernacle", housing the presence of God in our mobile, mortal skin.  And even today, those with a heart for God sometimes jump the gun and let our hearts run ahead of our heads.  Wisdom calls for us to submit our plans to God and wait on the Lord for confirmation before rushing ahead. 

A Different, Greater Blessing
God doesn't just say no to David and stop there.  He tells David of the blessings in store. "No, you won't build a me a house, but I will build you a house.  I will give you rest from your enemies, your son will build the temple, and your kingdom will last forever."  David saw the first part of the prophecy come true in his lifetime, the second in Solomon's lifetime, and the third is fulfilled in Christ.

David responds with awe and grateful acceptance to God's no.  Not a hint of bitterness or demanding his own way.  Perhaps it was easier for him because God showed him he blessings he would receive instead.  But we too have promises from God that "he will work all things together for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose." 

Just like David had to take God's promises of different blessings on faith, and trust fully in God's sovereignty, so do we.  When God says no to one of our good ideas, He doesn't always spell out for us what we will be doing instead or where it will lead, but we know he has only the best in store for us.

Examples from My Life
A few years after DH and I got married, before C came along, we had a vision to commit ourselves to a year of volunteer ministry.  We researched all the options, but doors closed and it became clear that even though it was a noble idea, it wasn't God's plan for us at that point in our lives. 

Of late, the call is to add to our family.  Whether through a live birth or adoption or foster care, I don't know yet.  This is a good desire.  Children are blessing, and ministry to orphans is described by James as pure and faultless religion.

But just because it is good doesn't give me a right to it or mean it is God's plan for me.  The clear answer right now is to wait.  After our loss in October, we are still trying to conceive again.  I started researching adoption/foster care and found that to start the process we need a stable source of income.  Right now DH only has a temporary job and has otherwise been out of work for almost a year, and the insurance agency he is working to start is growing but too slowly to count as a source of income. 

We are waiting on God for the answer.

I know and trust that whatever it is, whether both doors eventually open, only one does, or they both stay firmly shut, he has a purpose for us, and the blessings to be found on the path he puts us on will be far beyond whatever I could imagine.

In the meantime, like David stockpiling supplies for the temple, I will do what I can to advocate for children and support ministry to orphans.

Decisions Decisions

Our family is approaching a crossroads. We must decide where to live. Right now we are considering Southern California (where we are now) or Central California (where DH's family is). We really want to seek God's plan and go (or stay) as he directs.

The thing is, there really hasn't been a clear direction one way or the other. We initially thought up north was the clear option. Then DH started leaning more toward staying, which I was fine with. But in the past few weeks, I've been feeling a tug north again. DH has started to feel the same. But were our reasons godly? Are these feelings a message from God? How could we be sure? Have we been listening closely enough?

Then, this week I came across this blog by The Internet Monk that freed my thinking a bit on this.

He argues that there are 5 ways that God reveals his will.

1. Declarations and commands in scripture
2. Providence/life's circumstances
3. Authority figures and trusted advisors
4. Mystically through the Spirit
5. Signs, miracles and answered prayers

He points out that many Christians agonize over what God's will as a result of focusing too much on the 4th and 5th ways, overlooking the still small voice of the first three "ordinary" methods of revelation.

These two quotes in particular stood out:

If this makes sense, I reject the idea that God requires some superior effort on my part to be mystical in order to communicate his will to me.

and

I’m free, within the boundaries of following Jesus, loving God, loving neighbor and using my gifts and talents, to serve God wherever I believe is the best place for me. There is a process, but I can trust myself as a reliable means of knowing God’s will. Not perfect, but not to be ignored in favor of “signs.”

Finally, as I browsed through the 150+ comments to the blog entry, I came across these powerful lyrics by David Wilcox.

I'm done being "dead with deciding ... mourning the choices I'd lose." It's time to make the decisions. I trust that we will find, as Mr. Wilcox did, that:

Now as soon as I'm moving - my choice is good
This way comes through right where I prayed that it would
If I keep my eyes open and look where I should
Somehow all of the signs are in sight
If I hold it up to the light

Discipline of Rest

There was a time in my life when God's law seemed burdensome, condemning and impossible. Lately though I've been seeing it as good, as God's instructions for our best life.

Along the way, I've been learning about Biblical holidays and feasts. How beautiful it is that they point to Christ! (This website is a good overview). I'm interested in doing something this year to mark them -- to join in divine history and celebrate God's creative and saving action in the past, present and future.

The next major feast is the Feast of Trumpets (September 8 this year).

But I don't have to wait until then to start celebrating one of God's days.

Every week, there is an opportunity to keep the fourth commandment to remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy.

But what would that look like?

I don't want to get caught up in a bunch of rabbinical laws or other forms of legalism.

I like this list of 10 simple principles over at The Sabbath Manifesto. I like the idea of a "Family Fun Day" where we relax and reconnect together and make a point to talk about and enjoy God and his creation.

Tonight I think I'll light some candles around 7:45. Maybe we'll go to a park or the beach as a family tomorrow. Keep the TV and computer off. Visit family. Enjoy a quiet day of rest.

Life without Fear?

"We're taking a survey on this week's attendance cards: what's your greatest fear?" the pastor asked.

I listed some on a blank piece of paper so that DH could review them and check off his, and I'd write that down.

• lose a child
• lose a spouse
• lose health
• lose job
• bankruptcy
• business failure
• natural disaster
• war
• unknown

He ultimately picked job loss/bankruptcy as his biggest fear. Mine would probably be lose a child.

Interesting.

We are currently experiencing what it is like to go through extended job loss. Bankruptcy is out of the picture for now, but still could be a possibility.

We recently got a scare of what it could be like to lose a child. (Still praising God for his merciful protection and healing).

And, through it all, God has been faithful. God's people have been His hands and feet of love, support, and generosity. I am still his beloved daughter.

My pen got itching to write and the following spilled out:

In light of those profound fears, why should I cower before such petty concerns as

• whether the work I put into my writing will turn out to be a waste of time
• whether my writing is "good enough"
• what people will think of me

If some of our worst fears have come true, and we are still safe in God's hands, how much more can I trust him to take bold steps? Whom then shall I fear?

Why let melancholy dim my outlook?

Why stay isolated and inward fearing loss of approval/reputation/image when nothing can separate my from God's love?

Any pain and sadness that comes from failure or tragedy will be all too real, but it will fade compared to the weight of eternity and God's power and his enduring grace and love.

I'm free to love with ABANDON!

The adventure waits ...

We're about to embark ...

We're already on our way ...

I will not shirk from hard work.

There are no guarantees of results or success, but I'm done wasting my
potential because of Fear, Timidity and Hopelessness. I choose Purpose,
Discipline, Commitment, Courage and HOPE!

Bold words. Inspiring words!

They filled me with warmth, light and joy as I wrote them, and I sang with abandon as the message on Joshua and courage drew to a close.

And then, I had another more sobering thought:

Fear isn't just an emotion.

It's a habit.

It's a collection of automatic responses and defense mechanisms.

It will truly take becoming a living sacrifice by daily renewing my mind to start to live as though I have no fear.

I think I'll start by meditating on/memorizing Joshua 1:9 (click the link for other translations, Amplified version below):

Have not I commanded you? Be strong, vigorous, and very courageous. Be not afraid, neither be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

One Step at a Time

Our family has been facing uncertain times. For months before DH lost his job, we knew it was a possibility. We also knew that he wanted a career change. We had a desire to live closer to his family. We had a desire to live in a larger place that would allow us to grow our family.

All along, our prayer has not changed. We've prayed for wisdom, discernment and God's guidance for our next steps.

That prayer has slowly but surely been answered.

• DH lost his job.
• Unemployment isn't sufficient to cover the mortgage.
• DH hasn't had luck looking in his field, and decided to get his license to sell insurance.
• We listed our place for sale.
• We got an offer and submitted a short sale package to our lender.
• DH's parents lost their renters, opening the way for us to have affordable accommodations (that also happen to be bigger than our current ones AND closer to DH's family).

Now we're waiting for the next answer(s).

• Will DH be able to make a living as an insurance agent? Here, or up north?
• Will the lender accept our short sale, and if so when?
• If we are moving, what's the right timing for that?

Father's Love Letter

Last night our Bible study talked about Romans 12:1 in the context of worship. How we are to worship God with our whole lives, and not just for a prescribed time on Sundays or even just a special quiet time during the day.

Today I was thinking about the following verse, Romans 12:2

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will.

We are to renew our minds by filling it with truth. Meditating on who God is and who we are in Him.

At another Bible study on Tuesday, I was introduced to the Father's Love Letter. It's a paraphrase of many of the Bible's great verses on God's passionate, intimate love for us, written like a personal letter. There are so many great truths there that I needed to be reminded of.

• That God has every day of my life written in His book and knows all the times and seasons. We may not know where we will be living in a month or three months, but He does.
• That God can do more for us than we can possibly imagine. Building a business as an insurance agent in some ways seems risky, but we have been diligently seeking His will and if this is it, he will be the best business partner we could ask for.
• That He comforts us in our troubles. I don't have to pretend that this situation isn't stressful or that I'm completely at peace. Like David in the Psalms, and Jesus in the garden, I can cry out to God in the pain of this uncertainty and receive comfort.

Speaking in Tongues?

What do you make of this?

1. We went to lunch with a couple of older Christians who have been through a lot of had a lot of wisdom to share. In the context of another conversation they unexpectedly shared with us a story of hearing someone speak in tongues and being given the gift of interpretation. The gift of tongues as a private prayer language was also mentioned.
2. Three days later, my husband was reunited with a childhood friend who came to faith in Christ since they last met. As he gave his testimony, the friend shared that he has the gift of speaking in tongues as a private prayer language.

The fact that both conversationsoccured so close together and from completely unrelated sources give me pause. I think God might be saying something to my husband , to me or to us both.

I've personally never witnessed anyone speaking in tongues, but my husband has, and when he did someone with the gift of interpretation was also present and translated.

What are your thoughts about and experiences with this gift of the spirit?

Long Article on Christian Parenting Mistakes

Can the proper approach to parenting guarantee godly kids and prevent rebellion or significant struggles with sin in our children's lives?

Reb Bradley of Family Ministries discovered the answer is more negative than he hoped and reflects on things he might have done differently with his adult children in this article.

It is VERY long, so allow me to summarize the key point of each of the mistakes he lists:

1. Self-centered dreams (hopes for the children's and family's future that become a validation of us as parents or our source of significance)
2. Family as an idol (preoccupation with results and seeking security and sense of wellbeing from our success as parents rather than from God)
3. Emphasis on outward form (mistaking looking moral on the outside for having God's values on the inside ... I love his example of going to the grocery store to buy apples to tie on to your tree rather than letting them grow naturally with careful cultivation)
4. Tendency to judge (condescending and belittling those who don't hold our subjective standards and consequent defensiveness because of imagined judgment from others, resulting in kids who are judgmental, feel condemned and are turned off to God because of our legalism)
5. Over-dependence on authority and control (intimidating children into subjection rather than winning their hearts into submission, )
6. Over-reliance on sheltering (being more concerned with keeping out the bad than putting in the good, which may teach kids that Christianity is a religion of don'ts rather than a relationship with the living God, and failure to face temptations alongside our children so we can coach them through it and equip them to face it on their own eventually, not with the goal of merely surviving the world but of reaching the lost)
7. Formulaic parenting breaks down relationship (reliance on a formula or on performing the right steps rather than entering into the messiness of love, grace and dependence on God, which objectifies children, damages the depth of our relationship, loses their hearts and ability to be influenced and leaves only the ability to control the outside for a time)

Let me close with these powerful direct quotes from the article:

If we want to influence our children's hearts and not just their behavior, it will happen because of who we are, not what we do. We cannot simply implement loving actions in our homes -- we must truly love (1 Cor 13:3). We cannot merely recite Scripture to our families -- we must be those who look to the Word because it points to our wonderful Savior (John 5:39). And we especially cannot treat a spiritual activity such as prayer as a "discipline" or "principle" -- it must be a natural response of dearly beloved children of God pouring their hearts out to their Father in Heaven.

and

The best thing we can do to break away from a formulaic mentality and become a person of influence is to really grasp the grace of the gospel and live it out in our homes. For our children to see the beauty of the Savior in us we will need to find his beauty first. If we are not yet smitten with him, why do we think our children will be? We need to get to know the real Jesus.

Reading Reflections: Ragamuffin Gospel -- Chapter One (Part 2)

Manning goes on to reflect on how grace abounds, and the ability to believe, hope, love are all simply gifts, not

... rewards for our faithfulness, our generous disposition, or our heroic life of prayer.

It cannot be said enough or too much that we cannot and do not earn favor with God. We are like babies or little children who are completely helpless.

Grace is received through faith, but what is faith? Manning reminds us that it is more than simple belief in God's existence. It is rather a trust IN God, a matter of the heart.

Here is a summary of other key themes:

We are fully accepted, even and especially our failings.

A position of judgment and self-righteousness and denial of our own sin keeps us from the joyous awareness of forgiveness.

Following Christ is a process of sanctification. I am now a saint, but not yet made perfect. Real Christians can and do get "battered and briused by loneliness and failure" and real Christians do get "discouraged, uncertain, guilt-ridden."

Living as an integrated self with simple trust in and celebration of God's forgiveness for my failings is a message that God is reminding me of not only through this book, but from multiple sources.

For example, this morning's message at Pathways Church contained a warning against "hyperspirituality" or "self-help" approach to life with God that turns the Christian life into a seeking after a series of spiritual experiences or products that purports to give us step-by-step contained approaches to try to force and mimic what only God can do in his timing in an organic, whole-life way that seems rather messy by comparison.

In the Casa Teresa bible study we are about to begin the "Life's Healing Choices" small group study. I sat down today and started to read the companion magazine and found an article by Kay Warren with this powerful quote:

Some of you are living as cardboard cutouts of yourself, afraid to face reality and reveal the truth. Everyone around you knows that truth: you're a sinner who needs grace and forgiveness. You might as well come into the light of God's presence; nothing you've ever thought, said or done is hidden from him. He's known the truth about you from the very beginning, and it hasn't stopped him from dearly loving you. Once you know it, you, too, will experience peace and the freedom to give your real self to those you love.

Reading Reflections: Ragamuffin Gospel -- Chapter One (Part 1)

I received one of my books in the mail. Hooray! I'm starting to wonder where the others are ... but that's not the point of this post.

Today, I'd like to share some nuggets from Chapter One of Ragamuffin, titled "Something is Radically Wrong" and respond to them.

Put bluntly: the American Church today accepts grace in theory but denies it in practice ... Too many Christians are living in the house of fear and not in the house of love.

When I was in college I wrote a short story involving a statue of hands with keys dangling keys of salvation tauntingly just out of reach of grasping desperate fingers in an effort to express this very sense of "Something is Radically Wrong." I was one of those living in the house of fear, who heard about grace my whole life but didn't see it lived out or feel it in my soul. The underlying message of many sermons seemed to me to be, "By grace you have been saved ... now hurry up and get holy enough to deserve it."

As Manning goes on to say,

... "do-it-yourself" spirituality is the American fashion ... Though lip service is paid to the gospel of grace, many Christians live as it if its only personal discipline and self-denial that will mold the pefect me. The emphasis is on what I do rather than on what God is doing. In this curious process God is a benign old spectator in the bleachers who cheers when I show up for morning quiet time.

Fully accepting grace as truly God's unmerited favor that we didn't earn in the first place and can't possibly work hard enough to keep is absolutely freeing. Yet how many of us are still a little afraid of grace, afraid that if we emphasize it too much that we are offering others and ourselves a license to sin? We ask with Paul's rhetorical questioners, "What shall we say then, shall we go on sinning that grace may increase?" Too, who wants to admit that they are utterly broken, utterly helpless, utterly in need of a Savior? But that is the only way to true freedom. Blessed are the poor in spirit (those who acknowledge their spiritual poverty).

I love this passage of Manning's:

When I get honest, I admit I am a bundle of paradoxes.

I believe and I doubt,
I hope and get discouraged,
I love and I hate,
I feel bad about feeling good,
I feel guilty about not feeling guilty.
I am trusting and suspicious.
I am honest and I still play games

...

To live by grace means to acknowledge my whole life story, the light side and the dark. In admiting my shadow side I learn who I am and what God's grace means. As Thomas Merton put it, "A saint is not someone who is good but who experiences the goodness of God."

Faded Faith

This article by Roxanne Wieman from the September/October issue of RELEVANT Magazine contains a lot of wisdom.

Here are some of my favorite nuggets:

pg. 55:

It's easy to look back at the good times and feel like it was the forms – the activities – that made those times what they were and want to reengage them. ... "The danger is that your relationship with God can move into a relationship with religion rather than God," ... To try and recreate the spiritual high by recreating the activities of that time can lead to frustration, burnout and legalism – ultimately decaying your relationship with God. ... "You'll be the last to discover the ritual is empty and you're doing it alone – God has moved on – because we have elevated the practice over his presence."

pg. 56:

"If you care [about your relationship with God], then you need to embrace the instruments of spontaneity and structure – side-by-side. The sustainability of spiritual practices in our life hinges on the harmony of these two perspectives."

pg. 57:

When we recognize God is part of – and working in – every area of our life, we rely on Him more and seek Him more often, not waiting until or relying on those prescribed forms of connecting. Nor are we so quick to think we're failing in our relationship because we haven't had a good "quiet time" in months.

My Writer's Biography

Growing up, I always wanted to be a writer. At five I had a dog-eared notebook in which I penned one page epics with titles like “Mystery Martian and the Lost Glove.” My story about how the catfish got its whiskers represented the 5th grade class in the school anthology.

Schoolwork was always very easy for me, and the only reason I didn’t keep a 4.0 GPA was that I often “forgot” to do the homework. Throughout high school, I fought off boredom by scribbling down whimsical children’s stories or illustrations during my least favorite classes (physics and government).

Then, as graduation approached, my school chum Robert Chang challenged me to live up to my potential.

“For most people, placing 7th in their class is an accomplishment, but for you it’s just sad,” he said, half joking. “We both know you could have been valedictorian if you wanted to, Margaret. Think what would happen if you really applied yourself? There’s no reason why you can’t get straight “A”s from now on.”

I took his challenge seriously, which to my all-or-nothing mind meant no more daydreaming. Once college started, I put the kibosh on scribbling down story ideas in class. Other than a prayer journal that I used intermittently to process the daily onslaughts to my faith from the secular humanism that surrounded me, the ink stopped flowing for two years.

In my third year of college, my creativity enjoyed a brief resurgence, sparked by the creative writing and journalism courses that were part of my English major. My work got rave reviews from the professors. I worked as a summer intern at the copy desk of the Youngstown Vindicator, and even had two play reviews published with my byline. My last year at Muskingum, I allowed creativity back into my life. Having completed most of my graduation requirements, I chose only “fun” classes for my last two semesters of college, courses such as The History of Film, Lyric Theater and Introduction to Drawing in addition to my English classes. I worked as the copy editor of the campus newspaper, the senior section editor of the campus yearbook, and the editor in chief of the campus literary magazine.

Yet this success was clouded as my faith went into a tailspin. I became involved in an intense relationship with a subtly controlling man. He proposed within six weeks of our first meeting, and a few months later, I willingly gave him my virginity. Satan turned the conviction of the Holy Spirit into tremendous condemnation, guilt and shame. I had always wanted to live to please God, but now he seemed distant and demanding. By contrast, the prevailing culture of “an ye harm none, do as you will” on campus felt safe, sane and reasonable. I now welcomed the slings and arrows of my relativistic culture, taking comfort in them as I tried to redefine God in my own image. I couldn’t quite bring myself to believe there wasn’t a God, but I also couldn’t live with the judgment of the one I had grown up believing in. Maybe if what I had always believed about God and His ways wasn’t true, maybe I wasn’t a wretched human being.

That year was bittersweet. The enjoyment I gained from my involvement in the world of the arts was always tainted by the painful separation from my Creator. Too, I harbored an irrational belief that this burst of creativity was my last hurrah. I equated creativity and the arts with play, and after graduation I would have to give up such frivolous pursuits and be serious.

Too, despite the encouragement of my writing and art professors to further develop my skills and explore my talent, I feared deep down that I wasn’t good enough to make a living at it. Reinforcing that belief and playing on my fears, the boyfriend suggested I was best suited to go into business. Having pushed God out of my life, I let the man I loved become god to me and swallowed every word he said.

So, choosing money and financial security over passion, I enrolled in an MBA program at the University of Miami. The coursework didn’t challenge me mentally, and I once again began to daydream, sketching my fellow classmates or writing short stories rather than listen to the lecture.

“What am I doing here when my heart is so obviously somewhere else?” I wondered in the margins of my notes. I toyed with the idea of quitting, but then the boyfriend broke off our engagement with cruel, devastating words that shattered the last vestiges of my self-confidence.
My well of creativity dried up as I told myself “I have nothing to say worth hearing.”

I felt stuck. I believed it was too late to change course. I had gone $30,000 into debt to foot the bill of the first year of the MBA program, and I wasn’t about to give up that much money without walking away with a degree, even if it did cost me another $20,000. Feeling lost and hopeless, I partied with my fellow MBA students as an escape, overindulging in alcohol which occasionally led to casual sex.

Somewhere in those months, I started to go to church again. Someone I met through AOL Personals invited me to a Bible study at his house, and I attended faithfully. Hungry for God and community, I didn’t stay away even if I had sinned the night before. Slowly but surely, God drew me back to his side, and my hedonistic lifestyle began to lose its appeal.

After graduation in 2001, I entered the working world. The dot-com bubble had just burst, followed swiftly by the tragedy of 9/11, and I took whatever job I could get in the shaky employment market. An internship researching apartment sales for a prosperous team of brokers turned into full-time work, and I ended up working for five years as a Marketing Specialist for various commercial apartment brokers. An unexpected extra blessing, the job required a lot of writing and even some graphic design skills. Still, something was missing.

During Lent of 2003, I went through the 40 Days of Purpose curriculum with my church. Rick Warren’s insistence that I had been made for a purpose struck a chord. As the program drew to a close, my purpose became clear: I was to use my creative talents for God’s glory.

I plotted out an ambitious three-volume roman-a-clef or biography that would show God’s work in my life, but when I sat down to work on it further, found myself unable to write a single sentence. Paralyzed by self-doubt and a life-long tendency to procrastinate, I put the idea for my life’s work aside. With the long hours required by my job, I didn’t have much time to work on it anyway.

God continued to show me His love in extravagant ways until I finally understood that it wasn’t a matter of earning his love with my good works or lack of sin. He loved me so much he gave me His righteousness so we could be reconciled. On Easter morning, I chose to be baptized to solidify that fact in my mind.

God began to move in a mighty way in my life from that moment. He opened a path for me to leave Miami and return to my hometown in Southern California, where I met a gentle yet strong man who loves the Lord as I do. A year later, we were married. Eventually, after much prayer, we decided together that I would leave my high-stress job as a Marketing Specialist and go to work as a corporate proposal writer.

More importantly, God gave me courage to seek counseling to heal the lingering hurts from my past relationships and bad choices. As a result, I found my voice. In 2007 I began to write, with the goal of completing a novel by my 30th birthday. I didn't quite get there, but by the end of 2007, I had 60,000 words written of that novel I plotted out in 2003.

As most first drafts are, it’s quite messy and I'm currently stuck on how to complete it. It's also frustrating to see how rusty my writing skills became from lack of use. But although I have put that particular project on the shelf, writing is still part of my life. I've completed a children's story based on the healing of my dog's broken back, and I've brainstormed ideas for and even plotted out several other projects.

Last September I had precious baby girl. She is sensitive and spirited to say the least and it has taken much of my creative energy to nurture her and figure out ways to juggle career, motherhood and housekeeping.

That brings us up to today. I'm about to embark on a new era. The season for the proposal writing job has come to an end, and I am about to transition to life as a Work at Home Mom. I want to increase the role of writing in my life. I'm writing this blog, and will continue to do so. But I need more. The sheer joy of creative writing is beckoning to me. I want to imagine deeply and see what worlds emerge from my pen. I still believe God has a purpose for my life, to use my story (and stories!) for His glory.

Psalm vs. Antipsalm

Justin Taylor of Between Two Worlds pulled out some of the most impactful portions of an article by David Powlson called Sane Faith, Part 1.

Here's an excerpt from Dr. Powlson:

From Jesus' point of view, there are two fundamentally different ways of doing life. One way, you're connected to a God who's involved in your life. Psalm 23 is all about this: "The Lord is my shepherd ... and his goodness and mercy surely follow me all the days of my life." The other way, you're pretty much on your own and disconnected. Let's call this the antipsalm 23: "I'm on my own ... and disappointment follows me all the days of my life."

I've struggled with depression, low self-esteem, anxiety, excessive need for approval, selfishness and pride and can certainly recognize that many of the lowest points of my life were times where the antipsalm 23 more accurately described my mindset than Psalm 23.