Putting on the Armor of God

This summer I've been participating in Priscilla Shirer's Armor of God study.  On page 99, Priscilla poses the question:

How did the enemy take advantage of an upsetting, unexpected, chaotic event or circumstance to gain access to your life?

Well, I had a heart transplant 17 months ago.

It all happened quickly.  April 2014 I gave birth to my third baby and a week later was admitted to the hospital with congestive heart failure due to a genetic condition that I had been told wasn't very serious and most likely wouldn't be a problem.  Six months later, I learned that I needed a heart transplant to save my life.  Our family had to temporarily move four hours south to live with my parents a few months later as I waited for and recovered from the transplant.  Then we moved back and have been struggling to find the "new normal" since then.

How's that for an upsetting, unexpected and chaotic event or circumstance?

Those days of heart failure were hard to be sure, but at the same time, it was a beautiful time in my life.  I felt loved, supported, at peace and so very close to God.  It was pretty easy to be heavenly minded when the physical body was declining daily and rapidly.

My post transplant spiritual life has been rocky by comparison,

In the months after my transplant, I was recovering physical wellness, regaining energy, regaining strength almost daily.  I was on an emotional high, so happy and grateful to be alive.  I felt so very much better and could hardly believe there was any limit to how much better I could feel.  It seemed within reason that I was going to be "normal" very soon.

Hello, pride.

God had felt so near.  But slowly, He felt farther away.  Who moved?  That would be me.

Old struggles I thought were resolved cropped back up.  From my high school and college days, God had slowly and painstakingly brought me out of perfectionism, legalism, and the bad habit of measuring myself by my accomplishments or comparing myself to others.  In the past 17 months, I let those snares entangle me again.  I struggled mightily to meet my own expectations and the perceived expectations of others, and despaired when I failed.

Why couldn't I keep up? Maybe I was just lazy.... Maybe I needed to push myself harder.  Maybe I just needed better systems and strategies..  I pushed myself and berated myself for not being able to do and accomplish as much as I thought I should be able to do.

All along, the real and biggest problem was that my focus had moved off of Christ and onto myself, to my struggles and circumstances.  I felt irritable, short-tempered, selfish, restless, unbalanced, uncentered. I was half in denial about the limitations living with a transplant places on me, while also resenting those limitations at the same time.

The enemy had used his usual tactics of deception and hitting at my weak points to pull me down to be sure.


I missed the first three weeks of the Armor of God study due to serving at VBS and needing to get my blood drawn to verify my medicine levels.  Last week I went back through the first few weeks of lessons to catch up.

God's word does not return void and it came at just the right time to rescue me from the pit I had fallen back into.  It opened my eyes to the reality of the enemy and the way he works, but more importantly, reminded me about my spiritual identity and spiritual resources.

With a refreshed and renewed understanding of who I am in Christ, I've been able to better come to grips with the truth of my physical reality as well.

I'm accepting the fact that living with a transplant is like living with a chronic illness or condition.  This new level of acceptance sparked curiosity, and I set out to find out as much as I can about the whats and whys of limits.

Here's what I learned:

Although my new heart works so much better than my old thick, stiff, failing one did, it has specific limitations because of the nerve connections that were severed when the heart was transplanted.

The vagus nerve is the most efficient way for the body to adjust heart rate and blood flow as needed to accommodate for changes in activity level, body position, and external temperature.  But God designed a back-up plan: hormones from the adrenal gland.

But there is a catch: The hormonal pathways my body now uses to adjust my heart rate and blood flow is much slower to turn on and shut off than the nearly instant adjustments the nervous system can make.

As a result, I "feel the burn" sooner when exercising or doing heavy housework, and have more soreness afterward that lingers longer than it otherwise might .  Getting up from a seated or squatting position quickly causes momentary low blood pressure and dizziness, which can be bothersome when picking things up off the floor for example.  If I let myself get too cold, it seems to take forever for me to feel warm again,  More bothersome to me is how much lower my stamina is and longer my recovery time is when the weather is hot.


That is part of the terrain I am traversing.  Other features of my terrain are room for improvement in communication with my wonderful husband who has to work longer hours than I'd like, three active and intense children including a daughter with behaviors on the autism spectrum (we are in the midst of evaluations for a diagnosis) ... those are other features of my terrain.

God is with me, and has not left me helpless or defenseless in the face of these circumstances.  He has blessed me with every spiritual blessing in the heavenlies, but I have to activate them. Richard A. Burr came up with a clever acronym: Prayer Releases All Your Eternal Resources.

Asking for what I need with gratitude relieves anxiety and promotes peace.  I can cast my cares on Him because he cares for me.        

God has been faithful and good through it all.  Here are a few ways he has provided and blessed me:

In my search for truth, I was led to a website for Christians with chronic illness: Rest Ministries.  There I found beautiful words of vulnerability and dependence on God in the midst of suffering.  The prayer cards they offer for download there have been helpful to me as well.

A sibling rivalry e-course by Connected Families we started last month is equipping our family with practical ways to use the shoes of peace in our family relationships.

These months have not been wasted.  Some of what seemed like backward movement may have been necessary to clear the way for new growth in the future.  Certainly, the process of re-evaluating who I am has led to a better certainty and understanding of my gifts and callings.  Creative communication and teaching along with hospitality, which I share with my husband, round out my top three.

This blog is one way to live out my calling.  Opening my home to host La Leche League meetings starting next month is another.  And last but certainly not least, my husband and I will be exercising our shared gift of hospitality by welcoming an exchange student into our family for the coming school year.

I'll be back soon to share more about my journey and what I'm learning from God's graceful discipline.

Heart Transplant to Recovery: Second Day

The following was posted to my CaringBridge journal on Feb 23, 2015:

Watched part of the Oscars last night, but fell asleep part way through. Woke up just long enough to hear who won best picture. Slept fitfully in the chair all night. It's much more comfortable to be in the chair up right then reclining because of the chest tubes.

A few minutes ago, they turned off the dobutamine which was supporting my heart function, so right now my heart is beating on its own. If the heart rate (above 90 BPM) and cardiac index (high 2s to low 3s) both stay within normal levels without the dobutamine they will remove the Swan catheter from my neck and help me walk around.

My white blood cell count was slightly elevated on my early morning labs, so they are running cultures from my blood and urine to see what the source might be. There's a chance is just inflammation from the steroids or surgery itself but if it is an infection they will want to nip it in the bud. My temperature is mostly normal 98-99.

I'm very hungry and thirsty. My whole thorax aches.

Dr. Ramzy the transplant surgeon stopped by to talk to me just now. He said he's very pleased with my progress and tell me my heart that I received is very young between 25 and 31 years old that's all the information he could give me right now without me submitting an information request to the transplant coordinators.

Heart Transplant to Recovery: First Day

The following posts were made by my husband on Feb 22, 2015:

Margaret was extubated at 10 pm and after briefly speaking with me went back to sleep. It is assumed there were no issues over night as I did not receive a call and they stated  they would call if there were any problems.  I am on my way to spend the day with her an if all goes well as it has been, they hope to move her from the ICU as early as tomorrow.  She will likely remain hospitalized for about a week.

—

After a good night Margaret was able to get up and be moved to the chair and she was awake for the morning, numbers that are being monitored remain good, the hope is that tomorrow the swan catheter in her neck which measures pulmonary function and right side of heart function comes out tomorrow, once it comes out she will be able to ambulate and be moved out of the ICU. Chest tubes which remain for drainage are causing pain and discomfort, we hope they are able to be removed on Tuesday.

—

She is also enjoying her 1st meal tonight.

Heart Failure to Transplant: The Wait is Over

February 21, 2015 is my transplant day. I posted some of these, my husband posted others:

A call came at 1:20 a.m. about a potential match, and now I'm here at Cedars-Sinai preparing to possibly go into the OR. The transplant surgeon is traveling to the donor's hospital to perform a visual inspection of the heart.

They will say go or no by 9:00, with surgery scheduled to begin at 9:30 if it is a go, but the whole thing may be called off if there is any problem with donor heart.

Am I ready? Is this it? Only God knows!  

—

The anesthesiologist just took me into the pre-op waiting area and went over the transplant procedure. He explained that it's a parallel process. They expect to get started around 10 by starting to sedate me. They won't be operating on the donor until I'm ready to go. They will check the heart and if it's okay they will bring it here by helicopter and begin the operation on me. He said once I go to the OR there is a 90 percent chance it will go forward and once they put me under its a 97 percent chance of going forward, so most likely this is it but we're still waiting and I'm very nervous.

—

This is Adam, Margaret's husband, she was rolled into the operating room at about 11am with surgery expected to start at about 11:45

—

Just got word surgery has officially begun.

—

The doctor said the surgery went well with no complications, the heart is beating well and she is now in the ICU, all numbers from everything they are monitoring are where they like them to be, the next 24-48 hours remain critical, thanks for praying.

Heart Failure to Transplant: There is too much to 'splain, I will sum up...

This line from The Princess Bride seems appropriate.  I've taken a very long break from posting because so much has been going on in my life. 

Once this summary is out of the way, my plan is to start posting again the little musings I have about the intersection between my relationship with God as grace-giving Father and how I live as His daughter, especially in the context of parenting and homemaking. 

So, in no particular order:

In the early spring, my almost six-year-old daughter was diagnosed with ADHD, mild gross motor delays and mild sensory quirks that aren't severe enough to require professional occupational therapy.  We started her on Ritalin, 5mg once per day and it helped her tremendously with focus on her school work and helping her be a more flexible resilient participant in social situations.

On Good Friday, I gave birth to a healthy baby boy.  A week later I was readmitted to the hospital with double pneumonia and congestive heart failure.  I stayed in the hospital three days.  Recovery was slow and nearly four months later I'm only now getting to the point where my energy levels feel back to normal for me.  I was blessed to have two mother's helpers come a few times a week in May, and with amazing support from my church family and MOPS friends.  My underlying heart condition is a little more serious than I previously thought and not only am I recommended not to have more pregnancies, but I may need to have a pacemaker or defibrillator implanted eventually.

I finally started on anti-depressants.  I'm currently taking 50 mg of Zoloft which has made a world of difference.  I like my husband and children again instead of constantly feeling a low level of irritation and resentment toward them.  My brain's executive functions have returned and I have ideas and can carry them out.  I feel like writing again.  I feel comfortable at home instead of restless and wanting to escape through the internet or too many activities in the community.  I don't overanalyze every social encounter and can just relax and enjoy the company of people around me.  My spiritual life has reawakened too, no longer feeling flat and cold and distant.

In October, we moved to a new house in town and almost a year later as I heal and regain strength and energy and as my depression, anxiety and ADHD symptoms gradually lift, I've really started to enjoy and improve in my role as homemaker.  I've been able to reorganize things, start routines and set up systems that make our family life run more smoothly and keep the house at a level of tidiness and cleanliness that is comfortable for living and conducive to fun and creativity

I feel like each of these areas could spawn many detailed posts of their own, and perhaps that is a good challenge for me.  This fall, I will blog at least once per week (oftener if inspiration strikes), delving into a specific aspect or thought triggered by reading through this summary. 

When I was depressed early in my married life, one of the internal messages I had to overcome was that I had nothing to say.  I overcame that by beginning to post blogs on Myspace and eventually by starting this blog.  Then there were periods when my brain fog and exhaustion made impossible to turn the swirling grey into black and white words. 

Life has rhythms and cycles.  A pearl in an oyster is formed not all at once, but layer by layer.  One season of growth in my life is ending and another beginning.  The previous season was inward and quiet, but this one is bursting out to be shared.  Isaiah 43:18-19 seems very appropriate:

“Forget about what’s happened;
    don’t keep going over old history.
Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new.
    It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it?
There it is! I’m making a road through the desert,
    rivers in the badlands." (The Message)

God is doing something new in me, in my family, in my community and in the world.

Untangling the Snarls

I've always loved untangling snarled necklace chains. I love the puzzle aspect and teasing out and loosening the knots and then watching it all unravel back to individual chains. 

Two weeks ago (when I started dressing my truth), I found three delicate chains stashed in the back of my jewelry box, so badly tangled that I'm still working on it even though I spend time every day loosening the knots.  I've made progress: one chain was set free, and the central knot that holds the remaining two together grows smaller at each session.

Untangling those necklaces is a good metaphor for what is going on with me internally lately too. The two one-on-one counseling sessions I've had, regular attendance at Celebrate Recovery, and four completed steps from David Burns' workbook "Ten Days to Self-Esteem," all have been working together as God's instruments to untangle snarls in my soul.  

What parts of my inner life represent the real me, the authentic being God created me to be?  What are mere cognitive distortions and negative thinking and coping mechanisms that I've lived with for so long that I began to believe they were the real me?  

It's been fascinating and rewarding journey, if a little painful in parts.

Dressing my truth as a bright and animated woman (in colors that pop, gold accessories among other things, started the first knot loosening.

When I started dressing my truth, it brought back a flood of positive memories from my childhood. I remembered the me that was full of enthusiasm and never short of ideas. 

I wrote silly short stories (like Mystery Martian and the Lost Glove, or How the Catfish Got Its Whiskers).  

I was an instigator and organizer of fun.  Once I wrote a script and rounded up my cousins to put on a Christmas pageant for our family (my youngest sister played baby Jesus!).  

I had business ideas. My sister and I made bookmarks with crayons and scrap paper from my dad's office.  Then I came up with the idea to go around the neighborhood selling them!  We even had a few customers in the little old neighbor ladies who thought we were adorable.

Yet somehow in my adult years, I started to see myself as boring and low energy and no fun.  I can't explain exactly why dressing in a bright, animated way validated and unleashed that part of me again, but somehow it did.  

That unraveled one set of knots.

Extreme self-consciousness and social phobias led me to believe that I'm an introvert.  But over the past few weeks, as my social anxiety has lessened and I find myself increasingly comfortable in social situations again, I'm finding that rather than being drained by them as an introvert would be, I'm actually energized by them!  

Last night I took a ginormous personality test over at SimpleMinds. And I although I've tested as INFJ or INFP in the past, last night I tested as Myers-Briggs ENFP, and it really resonated with me.

The ginormous test gave an Enneagram result too and came out with Type 4 (with a strong 3 wing). The Enneagram profile for a 4 says my driving motivation is needing to be unique and different, and the 3 in me needs to be admired and noticed.

I can see that in myself, and also see how when I'm unhealthy/depressed it gets turned upside down to "I'm so different that no one understands me or I'm so different that I'm missing out on something everyone else has," from the 4 and "I stand out like a sore thumb, everyone's watching me/judging me," from the 3.

Last night I was doing some reading about cognitive dissonance and rationalizations and confirmation bias that helped me to see how once I get started on those type of thoughts it's hard to stop.

For example, part of my social anxiety has been that when I see a group of women chatting, my default reaction would be to feel left out, and assume they have a closeness with each other that I can never have. I'm finally seeing the lie in that, and how my belief in that lie becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy (i.e. I hold back from joining the group, withdraw into myself and so of course never do get close to them).

Yet despite the behavior I've had based on those irrational beliefs, God has blessed me with many caring people in my life.  What mercy and grace!

I'm so full of hope in the possibilities for the future now that I'm beginning to see the old rationalizations and fears for what they are and know how to defeat them. Even though it is a battle, I will choose to live in truth .... the truth that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, am capable of loving and being loved. 

At the same time, I recognize that I'm at a danger point just now.  In 2006 I went through and recovered from an episode of depression/anxiety.  I even used the same workbook I'm using now.  I looked through it and noticed that back then I started but never completed Step 5 in the workbook, and the rest of it remains blank.  

I can remember putting aside part way through Step 5 because:

a) I was feeling much better by then (much like now), 

b) my brain had already rapidly made some of the connections the author was leading up to with the exercises (much like now) and it felt redundant to go through them when I already "got it"

c) the exercises started getting harder/less fun!

I completed Step 4 just last night.  As I looked ahead to see what Step 5 entailed, the same feelings about continuing that I had last time reemerged. But this time I don't want to let those feelings trick me into stopping recovery.

I need accountability to make it through this workbook, continue going to therapy and continue attending Celebrate Recovery. Telling this blog audience is one way to keep myself accountable.

I want to fully untwist and untangle my thinking and not let the snarls stay and get me all tangled up again in a few days, weeks, months or years!

More on DYT and a Mental Health Progress Report

A friend of mine blogged today about her own journey with Dressing Your Truth, how she found out about it and how it has impacted her at a level so much deeper than just dressing and feeling beautiful.

Check out Part 1 and Part 2!

Part One has a great overview of what Dressing Your Truth is, and Part Two goes into how understanding her nature and dressing accordingly has created some aha! moments for her.

This is one of my favorite sections:

I am not a "textbook" Type 1 - what I call bouncy balls and fireworks. Rather, I describe my energy as "a dreamer, head in the clouds" energy. It is still a very light, airy, full of ideas energy - but it also has a soft, gentle, graceful element to it. Think Belle in Disney's Beauty & the Beast. Thinking of it in that way allowed me to start to truly accept and embrace this part of my nature in a way I hadn't been able to before.

I love that!  The way she expresses her bright animated energy is influenced by a secondary soft subtle energy which makes it not quite as in your face as the Type One description sounds at first.  I didn't believe I could be a Type 1 because I didn't feel extroverted and loud and flashy enough.  But I'm my own kind of Type 1!  Although I loved the comparison to Belle, but my mind instantly went to another of my favorite fictional heroines, Anne of Green Gables!

I have to say since purging my closet of the black clothes and dark shaded/rich golden colors and bringing out and wearing my clothes with colors that pop, I've felt more me than I have in years.  The excitable bouncy clapping singing dancing joyful sublime silly whimsical me!  It may sound strange, but just changing the way I dress and accepting my bright animated nature has been deeply healing for me.  I don't have to censor myself and be more "grown up" or serious or somber than I am.  I don't have to beat myself up for not being someone else.

This is only one facet of my recovery from depression and anxiety.  Going public with my problem was one important step.  Deleting doomsday-type websites from my favorites and blogroll is another.  Meditating on Scripture and going through Celebrate Recovery to keep my focus on Christ as my source of hope and truth is the foundation of my recovery. 

All those intersected on Thursday.  One of my favorite verses is Zephaniah 3:17, and at a friend's suggestion I meditated on it Thursday night while singing "Revelation Song" at Celebrate Recovery.  God gave me a vision of me worshiping in the Throne Room and Him delighting in me living as who I was meant to be, and tears flowed and a burden of fear and anger lifted off my heart.

And, in the midst of it all, God is showing me a new path for me to embrace my passion for breastfeeding advocacy.  But that's another story for another blog post.

Discipline of Asking for Help

I've had quite a year.  Actually, the run of stressful life events begins back in February 2010 when DH lost his job.  In May 2010, C was run over by a van and survived.  In July 2010, my father-in-law collapsed and broke his leg and we found out he had colon cancer (since completely eradicated, praise God).  The leg required surgery and the surgical wound became infected with MRSA, which is still lingering a year later.  In August 2010, we completed a short sale on our condominium in Southern California and relocated 200 miles north to the San Joaquin Valley.  In October 2010, we lost our precious baby.  Last month, I found out my dear grandmother has Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS) or Lou Gehrig's disease and may only have a year to live.  Meanwhile, DH has been working crazy long hours to try to build an insurance agency from the ground up.

The stress and grief has brought some old patterns of negative thinking back to the surface,  and depression and anxiety have been rearing their ugly heads in my life.  I've been coping by zoning out online and getting angry and resentful with DH, which along with the long hours, has been hard on the connection of our marriage.

DH and I had a big discussion a few weeks ago that cleared the air between us and we are feeling more in love and connected again.

But I recognize that I need more help to learn to cope with all that life has thrown at me in healthy ways.

Last week I attended a Celebrate Recovery meeting, and plan to go back this week.  There I was confronted with something I haven't wanted to acknowledge or think about: I've been angry with God and have been pushing Him away.

Reconciling with DH and opening back up to God as my first source of comfort and strength has made an enormous difference.

But I know it is not enough.  There is still work to be done.  I want to finish the work I began and get healing for the old hurts and broken places that have been neglected and worked around over the years.

So I'm going to seek one-on-one counseling as well.  It's been a discouraging process.  The first therapist who called me back set an appointment and then cancelled it when she realized her case load was too heavy.  I made more calls and didn't hear back for almost a week. Finally, yesterday, one called me back and I have an appointment for Monday at 3:30.  I liked her over the phone, and I'm hopeful that we can work well together.

As always, I'm still a pearl in the oyster, still one of God's works in progress.