Gratitude: Focus on the Positive

I had my second therapy appointment today. My therapist suggested that I shift my focus to the positive and good things when I'm feeling down. Sounds like a no-brainer suggestion but I definitely needed the reminder.

So, here's a list of positive things that I'm grateful for.

• My husband.  He is kind and gentle and sarcastic and hard-working.  He loves to serve and help out people in need.  He gives awesome massages.  He's always on my team and I love working on projects with him.  He listens and communicates pretty well and humbly accepts constructive criticism if I give it.  He loves musicals and going to the theater and traveling.  I love to spend time with him.
• My daughter.  She is a delight, from the top of her golden halo of curls to the bottom of her grubby little feet that sometimes kick us in our sleep.  She is sensitive, charming, imaginative, funny, determined, energetic, and bright.  She's friendly and says hi to everyone.  She catches on quickly and loves to be helpful.  We have fun together and it's a joy to be her mama.
• My husband's fabulous family. They are warm and loving and kind and have embraced me fully as one of their own.  I treasure the close relationships I'm developing with my mother-in-law and sisters-in-law and aunts-in-law. I'm blessed to live so close to them and see them all the time.
• A place to live and food on the table.  God has richly provided for all our needs since my husband lost his job last year.
• My new life in the country. I look out my window and see bunnies or birds in our field.  I have the opportunity to raise chickens and just started getting my first eggs in the past week!  I had my first vegetable garden and enjoyed squash and lettuce and tomatoes and onions and corn and strawberries I grew myself.  My neighbors have horses and goats and cows that I can enjoy visiting and not have to take care of!
• New friends.  I've been welcomed into this new community and have met some really wonderful people that I like and like me back, and I meet more all the time.  Connecting to women through online communities is a different but also valuable part of my social life.
• Old Friends.  Social networking has helped me keep in touch with and build even deeper relationships with dear women I knew in college as we share the ups and downs of marriage and joys and trials of motherhood.
• Breastfeeding. My body's ability to feed and grow a beautiful baby into a toddler was empowering and healed some body image issues for me and increased my confidence as a mother.  It has been a source of connection to other women as well and may be a source of a new purpose for advocacy and involvement in this season of my life.
• Creativity.  Whether it's making up a song to help with parenting or telling C silly stories or improvising a meal from ingredients I have on hand or writing this blog or drawing or painting or crafting or knitting or crocheting or sewing or playing the piano or putting together a fun outfit, my creativity is part of who God made me to be, and to paraphrase Eric Liddell, when I'm creative, I feel his pleasure.

Discipline of Asking for Help

I've had quite a year.  Actually, the run of stressful life events begins back in February 2010 when DH lost his job.  In May 2010, C was run over by a van and survived.  In July 2010, my father-in-law collapsed and broke his leg and we found out he had colon cancer (since completely eradicated, praise God).  The leg required surgery and the surgical wound became infected with MRSA, which is still lingering a year later.  In August 2010, we completed a short sale on our condominium in Southern California and relocated 200 miles north to the San Joaquin Valley.  In October 2010, we lost our precious baby.  Last month, I found out my dear grandmother has Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS) or Lou Gehrig's disease and may only have a year to live.  Meanwhile, DH has been working crazy long hours to try to build an insurance agency from the ground up.

The stress and grief has brought some old patterns of negative thinking back to the surface,  and depression and anxiety have been rearing their ugly heads in my life.  I've been coping by zoning out online and getting angry and resentful with DH, which along with the long hours, has been hard on the connection of our marriage.

DH and I had a big discussion a few weeks ago that cleared the air between us and we are feeling more in love and connected again.

But I recognize that I need more help to learn to cope with all that life has thrown at me in healthy ways.

Last week I attended a Celebrate Recovery meeting, and plan to go back this week.  There I was confronted with something I haven't wanted to acknowledge or think about: I've been angry with God and have been pushing Him away.

Reconciling with DH and opening back up to God as my first source of comfort and strength has made an enormous difference.

But I know it is not enough.  There is still work to be done.  I want to finish the work I began and get healing for the old hurts and broken places that have been neglected and worked around over the years.

So I'm going to seek one-on-one counseling as well.  It's been a discouraging process.  The first therapist who called me back set an appointment and then cancelled it when she realized her case load was too heavy.  I made more calls and didn't hear back for almost a week. Finally, yesterday, one called me back and I have an appointment for Monday at 3:30.  I liked her over the phone, and I'm hopeful that we can work well together.

As always, I'm still a pearl in the oyster, still one of God's works in progress.

Assigning positive intent

The 13th chapter of First Corinthians famously defines some attributes of love.

The New Living Translation reads:

1Cr 13:4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud

1Cr 13:5 or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged.

1Cr 13:6 It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.

1Cr 13:7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

A love that is not irritable, that keeps no record of wrongs, is a love that assigns positive intent to others' actions.

For example, imagine you are driving down the freeway, and someone cuts you off. Two possible reactions would be:

1. "How dare he!  Some people are so selfish and rude.  It's a dog eat dog world and I have to stand up for myself."  Maybe you chase the offender down in a case of road rage.  Or you don't but spend the rest of the drive feeling irritated.  Maybe your driving becomes a little more aggressive without you noticing.
2. "He must be in a hurry.  Maybe he didn't see me.  I hope he gets where he's going safely." And you easily forget the incident and return to driving. 

As you can see from the different outcomes in the two examples, assigning positive intent to others is a healthy mental habit as well as a fulfillment of God's command to love others.

Jesus told us through the parable of the sheep and the goats that how we treat even the least of these is important to him. Therefore, I would argue that babies and children should be assigned positive intent as much as anyone else.

When a baby cries, positive intent says that the baby is trying to communicate a need, whether that be to be held, fed, changed, or just paid attention. But there are some that would claim that baby is trying to manipulate its parents.

When a toddler doesn't comply, positive intent says the toddler lacks impulse control and needs more help and closer supervision. But there are some who label the toddler as defiant and prescribe a spanking or time out to teach them a lesson.

When a very young child doesn't tell the truth, positive intent says that "words as magic" is a stage of cognitive development and the child honestly believes that by saying something he makes it true. Asking "Is that the truth, or just the truth like you wish it was?" and not asking questions we already know the answer to is a simple way to teach the value of truth. But there are some who would call that child a liar who must be punished.

Assigning positive intent doesn't mean justifying antisocial or unwanted behavior or letting the child "get away with it." It simply means we don't rile up our own emotions with unnecessary labels and negative assumptions. We can then deal calmly, firmly and kindly with the child and situations that arise.

Cognitive Self-Therapy for Writer's Block

Cognitive therapy has been one of God's tools for healing me from depression, anxiety, insecurity and low self esteem. It's an effective method to clear away lies and replace them with freeing truth.

For each negative statement that I tend tell myself when I decide not to write, I'll examine it to identify what the underlying errors in thinking are and replace it with more positive and helpful thoughts.

Hopefully reading the results of this exercise will be helpful to you in your stuck areas, whether or not you're a writer.

A. Writing is a waste of time because nothing I write will ever be good enough to be published.

Cognitive Errors
“Nothing” is overgeneralization & all-or-nothing thinking. “Ever be good enough” is fortune telling – I don’t know how much potential I have if I worked at it, and I don’t know what publishers are looking for/might be looking for in the future.

Task-Oriented Positive Statements
If I enjoy writing, then it’s a valid hobby and the pleasure it gives is an end in itself. Publication is a goal for some people but it doesn’t have to be my goal. The more I write, the more likely I am to improve – how will I ever know how good I can be unless I keep trying? There are many different venues for publication if I do want my words to be read by others.



B. My writing is amateurish and silly, so what’s the point?

Cognitive Errors
Labeling, overgeneralization.

Task-Oriented Positive Statements
I’m a beginner at creative writing; so it’s to be expected that it’s a skill I need to hone. Some of my product shows potential, and I can work improving the rest. If I don’t get the ideas down on paper, there will be nothing to improve.



C. I won’t get all the details right, and I’ll look foolish.

Cognitive Errors
Labeling, all or nothing thinking, fortune telling.

Task-Oriented Positive Statements
I’m only human, so of course I will make factual and other types of errors. That’s what peer review is for. There is no shame in making an honest mistake and then correcting it. Drafts don’t have to be perfect. What’s more, even published novels have a few errors in them!



D. My writing won’t be realistic enough.

Cognitive Errors
Fortune telling, labeling.

Task-Oriented Positive Statements
Who’s defining how realistic is realistic enough? How realistic I want my writing to be can be a matter of subjective taste. I can write something fanciful if I wish, or something gritty. I can experiment with different styles.



E. My writing is too melodramatic.

Cognitive Errors
Labeling.

Task-Oriented Positive Statements
How much melodrama to include in a story is a matter of subjective taste. If I decide it’s too melodramatic for me, I can tone it down in revisions.



F. I don’t understand human nature well enough to write a great book.

Cognitive Errors
Labeling. Jumping to conclusions.

Task-Oriented Positive Statements
Again, how much understanding is enough? Like any human being, my understanding of my fellow man can always be improved. All I can do is write what I know and see as honestly as possible.

Who says my writing has to be great anyway? The only criteria is that I enjoy producing it and that someone enjoy reading it. Not all the literature in the world qualifies as great, but someone enjoys reading most of it.



G. The result of my efforts must be the Great American Novel, otherwise it’s a waste of time.

Cognitive Errors
Should statement

Task-Oriented Positive Statements
Who says? Do I think that writers of genre novels are all wasting their time?



H. There are thousands of writers who are better than me.

So what? It’s not a competition. I can enjoy the process of writing even if the results never get me anything more than appreciation from a small circle of friends or online readers.



I. Writing takes time away from my wifely/motherly duties.

Cognitive Errors
All or nothing thinking.

Task-Oriented Positive Statements
I can budget my time appropriately. It could be argued that NOT writing stifles my creativity and depresses me / makes me less of myself, which makes me a less effective wife and mother.



J. Writing isolates me from others.

Cognitive Errors
All or nothing thinking.

Task-Oriented Positive Statements
I can budget my time appropriately. Writing can isolate at times, but I can also take steps to ensure I maintain real and virtual connections with others.



K. I can’t finish the novel I started and it would be cheating to start another one without finishing the first.

Cognitive Errors
Should statement

Task-Oriented Positive Statements
Who says? This is a self-imposed rule and no one will care if I break it. My first effort served a purpose – if nothing else, I learned things about myself and my writing through the process. I can pick it up again if I wish, or I can start something new. It’s up to me.



L. It’s too late to get started on another book; I’m already 30.

Task-Oriented Positive Statements
This idea of a time limit is entirely arbitrary. I’m not doing this as a job, but as something I enjoy. There’s no deadline for pursuing a hobby. Besides, who says I have to write a book? I can write a short story instead if I want; it’s up to me.



M. I’ve procrastinated so long that now I’ll never catch up.

Cognitive Errors
Fortune telling, all or nothing thinking

Task-Oriented Positive Statements
There is no deadline other than what I set for myself. “Catch up” is meaningless.



N. I’m not strong enough to handle criticism.

Cognitive Errors
Labeling.

Task-Oriented Positive Statements
I am plenty strong and I am working on the areas of my life where I still am overly vulnerable to criticism. Past mistakes don’t predict future results.



O. I’m still too needy for approval, I don’t have the self-discipline to write in a vacuum and too much feedback puts me off course.

Cognitive Errors
Labeling, How needy is too needy? Self-discipline is created through practice; it’s not a permanent state.

Task-Oriented Positive Statements
This statement may be partially true, but it also assumes that I can‘t learn from my past mistakes. I can practice self-discipline or I can use techniques like these to better deal with the criticism/advice I may receive so that I don’t get unduly swayed by others’ opinions.



P. I’ll get bored of the project before I finish it.

Cognitive Errors
Fortune telling.

Task-Oriented Positive Statements
First, the project only has to be as long as I want it to be. Even if I decide to work on a novel, maybe I will get bored, maybe I won’t. If it’s something I’m doing for fun, then there’s no shame in putting it aside when I am no longer enjoying it, and returning to it later as I wish. On the other hand, if I’m not enjoying it because of unrealistic expectations, I can deal with those too.



R. If I do succeed, it might be a fluke that I can never duplicate. Why set myself up for future failure?

Cognitive Errors
Fortune telling. Disqualifying the positive.

Task-Oriented Positive Statements
Why assume failure before I begin? And why should I attribute the result of hard work and skill to a fluke? Assuming that I can succeed once, then I have the potential to succeed again if I put in the same effort.



S. I’m basically too lazy to do as much work as is required to improve.

Cognitive Errors
Labeling, fortune telling.

Task-Oriented Positive Statements
Motivation follows effort. Taking a break doesn’t mean I’m lazy. I made choices to pursue other goals and hobbies. If I want to pick up writing again, I can. It’s only a hobby; I can put in as much or as little effort as I desire as long as it’s still fun. It will be very rewarding to know I put in all the work required to acquire new skills and improve existing ones.